private CALLOUSED FINGERTIPS // midnightash

Sour coats her tongue. She knows well enough that it's not what she once thought it was - anxiety induced, Moonbeam had suggested. Grief, maybe, or maybe being overwhelmed by everything that had happened at once. Splashdance should've taken solace in the fact that she was growing thin with hunger, and not round with kittens, but instead she struggles beyond that. For it is a hard won realization that she does want kits, one day. When everything is perfect and right, she would love to be a mother and care for a litter just as her mothers did her. But...

Not with Midnightash. That much is clear.

She spoke to Robinheart and the young molly had shed light onto what Splashdance wanted to keep shrouded. Worries were spoken where they once lain spiky beneath her pelt - and she cannot unhear them. She looks at Midnightash as they walk, the moon making her lover downright beautiful... and she knows that this isn't something she can maintain anymore. Even if she must be alone, for her other bridge is burnt by the mottled she-cat's fiery command, she cannot remain in this shadow cast upon her.

Splashdance opens her maw, and fear swarms her throat instead. Her tongue remains limp and useless and she closes her jaw with a click of her teeth, eyebrows furrowing as she looks ahead. She swallows, suddenly not wanting this conversation, suddenly not wanting to confront and separate - to return home and tug apart their nest, to return that mating stone... Her heart hurts. Everything hurts. She's going to vomit -

"Midnightash -" she starts. Her tongue moves quicker than her mind and she's sharp with her inflection, halting in her stride immediately. She looks on to the russet-and-coal lead warrior, her lover, her friend... but someone who could not even use her for her own betterment. They were instruments in one another's dismantling, not recreation. Splashdance blinks away the tears in her eyes. "I can't do this anymore."

@MIDNIGHTASH
 
જ➶ There is a lot going on in her mind. Too much and she just wants it all to go away. Why not? She wants things to be wasy and comfortable. Tolerable. When troubles arise she thought they would stick together. She thought that Splash would hust listen to her but after her talk with Robin perhaps she is wrong. The world is foul in her mind. Her being wrong? That makes little sense to her. All it takes is just listening. Being obedient, understanding. But maybe she is always meant to be second class. It's always there. Always in her face and she tolerates the back stabbing with what she thought was grace. Maybe she should have done what she wanted, dug her claws into Pebbletail. Ugh, then that would make her a traitor and truth be told she doesn't want to hurt him. Despite it all she just wants Splash to stop looking at him. To smile when she sees her, to stop stammering as if she is going to smack her ridicule...her...

Her mind shifts back to her mother suddenly. Those same wants...she remembers feeling about her mother. Her ears pull back and she finds herself tasting bitter on her tongue. No. She cuts those thoughts off and twists her head slightly to stare at Splash as she speaks. Can't do this anymore? Her hackles tremble as she turns around fully, the moon dancing on the ink of the other's fur. For a moment she stares at her, stares at her beauty that is her's for the moment. Yet she also knows, like deadweight on her tongue that is has never really been completely her's. With no wandering eyes or romps behind her back. "What can you not do anymore? Pretend you actually care about me while you stare at Pebbletail?" Why not just cut to the chase.

She can't do it anymore and her eyes narrow. Yet what if she wants to keep their relationship going, dig her claws further in. Never let go of what is rightfully her's. "Why did you accept? Why did you say yes to me?!" She suddenly snaps almost viciously.
 
Splashdance flinches, a paw instinctively shifting her back and away from Midnightash. It's as if her admittance has broken something in the mottled lead, as if she had sewn them together with threads too thin and was simply waiting for them to snap. Her jaw tenses as the other accuses her of the obvious, her own gaze falling to her paws with guilt and shame. Her maw opens with a pitiful, "I do care about you, Middy. I -" but she can't say much more. The other edges on a frenzy, as if her mouth foams with the illness of a heartbreak. Her own chest trembles.

"Because - I thought I could love you!" she says, too quickly all before retracting it with, "No, no, I do love you, but we... we're not for each other..." She can't explain it. She can't parse the words to help the other understand - that Midnightash's fire does not warm her, but instead burns every morsel of flesh and fur she has. That she, Splashdance, only wanted to put out that flame, to douse it and create someone docile out of someone hardy and vigilant. They wanted to change each other entirely. They wanted to irreversibly ruin one another, tame and leash, and parade as if they, too, are not buckled and broken in the process. She can't say that. She cannot admit how far her own wrongdoings go.

Pity. Pity is what she drives towards. Her eyes mist with tears and she looks up again, "I can't... I don't want to hurt you. I never did. And - and I don't think you ever wanted to hurt me but - but you did...!" Splashdance recoils with the accusation her tongue lets loose, and she grinds her teeth. She takes another step back, testing the limits of their fated string, waiting for it to break.

"Pebbletail doesn't... Him and I..." she trails and tries, ears folding to her head. "He isn't a part of this. It's just... It's me, I'm trying to do the right thing for us." Splashdance can't hold the other's glare anymore. She cannot find level ground where their misdeads are equal, not when she's the narrator. The young lead looks on to her partner, who is splintering and bleeding before her. "I'm sorry, Middy. I'm so sorry."
 
જ➶ Her sharp gaze watches her take that step back. Her mind reeling with the thoughts of what may happen now. What could make her blood boil over and cause an eruption to become reality. Her muzzle is tight, now smile on them anymore. Too tense and almost wanting to turn into a snarl. She claims care, but her chest burns. Aches. What is happening to them now? "No, no, you don't...you don't..." Her gaze becomes narrowed as she says it on repeat, shaking her head. If she cared then this, whatever this is wouldn't be happening right now. Wouldn't be so painful in it's expression that she wants to lash out with every fiber of her being to get away.

But what makes her almost go off that teetering edge is her next words. Said quickly then tried to be fixed. "Could? You thought you could love me. What? What do you mean by that?! What was I? Something broken you thought you could fix, hm?! Something so terrible you thought you could make me better?!" Her teeth are snapping like a rabid animal because it feels like it's true but she doesn't want to admit that. Beaten and broken. No, no, no! Her head whips away then as it becomes so jagged and sharp in her mind. The visage of a woman who scorned her. No, not her. Yet she can't look at Splash now because of what she hears. She hurt her. It...it was for her own good, right? The lead feels like she is about to be sick.

Squeezing her eyes closed for a moment but she still can't look at her. She can't. Then she realizes that they both can't look at each other. It's funny and she watches her paws. Pebbletail has nothing to do with it. She highly doubts that. They can't keep away from each other. It's his fault too. She'll know if they become mates. She'll know he planned to steal her away from her. Time will tell but for now she finds she doesn't care. She doesn't have the energy to care about anythiny. What she wanted, what she craved has been stripped away like most things. Love. What a pathetic beggar's game. "Yeah...I bet you are. Really sorry. Bye Splashdance." Become a stranger to her now. Become nothing so that her heart doesn't fester and bleed. So that she can't see the wrongs that she did against her own clanmate, half clan or not.
 
  • Crying
Reactions: splashdance
The other's stammering only tells her that she's not doing right. That she's inflicting hurt where she's trying to assuage it entirely - that her efforts to put blame entirely on Midnightash are working and in return making her feel worse. The other shakes her head as she trails off, likely too trying to find the right words to say, instead of saying everything wrong like Splashdance had. However, the dark furred molly speaks too quickly, and her own correction does little to correct her words. Her (lover? Friend? What are they right now?) snaps again.

"Yes -" she squeaks, and then stronger, desperate, "Yes! I'm sorry -" but is she really? Splashdance feels as if she's only saying what she's supposed to, entirely disliking the amount of vitriol sent her way. She could handle it when it was impersonal, gifted by virtue of being an outsider. This time it is because she actually hurt Midnightash. And if she can help the other feel better by being a punching bag... she doesn't think she's much better doing anything else. "You aren't nice, Middy! I thought that - I thought if you liked me so much, you would stop being so... so... abusive!"

Everything in her stomach wants to empty. The apologies that fly off of her tongue thereafter feel like nothing more than necessary to stop the argument. But it's too late. The words they trade are not ones conducive to a kind and amicable discussion. They are not capable of coming to a conclusion together, not when the painful words they share still ring in their ears.

The other says goodbye.

Splashdance stares at her, tears in her eyes.

And leaves.​
 
  • Crying
Reactions: Twitchtail