make me understand [hyacinth]

Coldsnap

CAN YOU FEEL MY HEART?
Aug 1, 2022
115
10
18
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IM SCARED TO GET CLOSE AND I HATE BEING ALONE
I LONG FOR THE FEELING TO NOT FEEL AT ALL
THE HIGHER I GET, THE LOWER I SINK
I CAN'T DROWN MY DEMONS, THEY KNOW HOW TO SWIM



It hadn't taken long for word to spread. News of Hyacinths resignation swept through the clan as fast as wildfire, and it had only been a matter of time until it reach Coldsnaps ears. And true to his name something frigid swept through him, a cold, silent frustration born from a newfound doubt. What did this mean for Hyacinth? Why would she demote herself? It was troubling in a time when so many were already divided, and now he wasn't sure where the shecats loyalties sat.

And so once night had fallen and the chill of dark had claimed the land, Coldsnap slipped from camp on the heels of his old mentor as he spotted her take her leave. He could only assume she'd been hoping for some solitude on this night since Spiritpaw wasn't accompanying her, but if that was truly her plan then Coldsnap was about to throw a wrench into it.

"Heard you stepped down."he said as he fell into step beside her. The words were blunt as always, quick to get to the point, and he didn't bother to mask his disapproval. "Why?"

@hyacinthbreath




windclan warrior - male - 10 months - a large, dark grey tabby with yellow eyes

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♚ Solitude was impossible in WindClan; someone was always right around the corner in a clan full of night owls. Though, she was taking a short trip to her safeplace; sun-warmed pools, which were chilly and beginning to frost over in places. Though the cold hadn't hit harshly yet, the water was cold. No longer safe to soak in, though pretty to look at under the night's moon. Part of her knew that her clanmates wouldn't be happy with her resignation- she was brilliant at her job as a Lead Warrior, but she knew she wasn't ready for it. Not now.

The scent of Coldsnap hits her nose as she settles down next to a small pool of water, though she doesn't flinch- she was used to Coldsnap's temper at this point, to his rough exterior. She'd mentored him through it, after all. Hyacinthbreath lifts her head from the pool of crystal clear water, tail-tip twitching when he asks the question of the night. Why?

Her head lowers a bit, the encrusted scabbing of her new scar aching; a reminder of her failures. She gives the tom a bittersweet smile. "I wonder.." She mutters softly, a look of doubt in her eyes. Coldsnap was a cat who saw weakness in surrender, she had instilled that in him. "I suppose I chose family over power. My clan over power." She mumbles softly, a paw reaching out to dip itself into the pool of chilly water. "I hurt more cats than I needed to, being Lead Warrior. My loyalty to our Queen is unbreakable, but I can't put her over the cats of WindClan. My duty is to my people, to my family. Without them, WindClan is nothing."

Hyacinth rises from her haunches, circling Coldsnap in thought. "Why do you disagree with my decision, Coldsnap? Because it makes me weak?" She asks bluntly, expression leveled and cool. She was used to his temperament, but he looked up to her- learned from her own actions. It doesn't take a genius to know she was wrong.​
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Untitled327-20221103225234.png
IM SCARED TO GET CLOSE AND I HATE BEING ALONE
I LONG FOR THE FEELING TO NOT FEEL AT ALL
THE HIGHER I GET, THE LOWER I SINK
I CAN'T DROWN MY DEMONS, THEY KNOW HOW TO SWIM



He sat beside the pool, yellow eyes staring at his own reflection coldly. Did he like who he'd become? Had he become a cat that his parents would be proud of? He used to think that all that mattered was that he did his job and followed the rules, that he became powerful. And he'd done those things, had become formidable despite his age and knew he'd only spend the rest of his life piling up one accomplishment after another. But did those things even matter to him anymore?

His life had unintentionally been upended the night he followed Dandelionwish out of camp, back when Sootstar had first taken Kestraltalons eye as punishment for disrespecting her. And Coldsnaps eyes had been opened for the first time since the Great Battle. All the trauma that had closed off his heart - losing his parents, watching Briarstar let her cats leave, losing all his friends and siblings to the other clans after they decided they didn't want to stay in the marsh- it was like he'd been able to see right past it when the other tom was talking. And for one beautiful fucking moment he'd seen what he really wanted to become, had remembered the cat he used to be and the things that used to be important to him.

From that night forward Coldsnap had found himself torn between two lives;the one he led now where he drove everyone away, and the life he wanted, where he didn't have to be afraid to give a shit about the cats around him. And he was trying, Starclan had to know he was. He didn't want to hate everyone around him anymore, but he didn't know how to break the chains holding him back.

When he'd first joined the Moor Group after Sootstar led them away, back when he was just 'Cold', he'd thought it would be enough to follow the shecat. Because if they could drive away those that wouldn't show loyalty to her then that meant they could weed out those who weren't loyal in general. And that made it easy for a naive boy who'd been betrayed one too many times, cut things into black and white and gave him a reason to shove cat away when they didn't fall into what his definition of 'loyal' was.

But now he had no idea what to do or who to trust. Because Dandelionwish didn't bow to Sootstar, and yet Coldsnap couldn't question his loyalty to Windclan. Emberfang had been bull-headed and reckless, but she'd been trying to protect the others. And now Hyacinth was stepping away from their Leader as well, distancing herself from a position she had once been furious to hold because it wasn't close enough to her queens side. Mere months ago Hyacinth would have done almost anything to be Deputy, and now she didn't even want to be Lead Warrior.

She spoke of her family over power, of Windclan over Sootstar, and he was trying.

"Why do you disagree with my decision, Coldsnap? Because it makes me weak?"

"Because I don't understand!" he replied, claws flexing in frustration. "Loyalty to Windclan, loyalty to Sootstar and your family- shouldn't that all be the same thing?" he growled, tail lashing behind him where he sat as he continued glaring into the now rippling water that Hyacinth was toying with. "How am I supposed to know what to do or who to trust if we start seperating things like this?!"

He was starting to raise his voice, but he couldn't help it. This had been building in him since that night with Dandelion and it was beginning to get to point where Cold didn't know what to do with himself anymore. Who was he supposed to fight for? What was he supposed to fight for? Clan. Leader. Family. They were supposed to be the same thing. They used to be the same thing, back before all of this started and it was just the Marsh cats.



windclan warrior - male - 10 months - a large, dark grey tabby with yellow eyes

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Because I don't understand! Loyalty to Windclan, loyalty to Sootstar and your family- shouldn't that all be the same thing? She doesn't flinch when he raises his voice, turning her calm gaze back to the rippling water as she listened. She was never patient with Coldsnap because she wanted to prove to herself that she could make a warrior out of him, one worthy of Sootstar's praise. He was an extension of her own ego, and the realization makes her pelt hot with guilt. He was only a child. She shuts her eyes, a shuddering breath leaving her as she thinks of how to respond. "A close friend once told me something that made me think. When Sootstar is gone, when Duskfire is gone, who do we have left? Another Leader? Do we change our tune to that Leader, then? Destroy ourselves from within because one cat tells us to?" She asks softly, turning back to face Coldsnap. She levels her gaze with own, size be damned. "I was tired of being a voice to violence. We lost our medicine cat because we were threatened with war! War, Coldsnap! Dandelionwish is alone now because Sootstar gave in to a threat! From a Clan of starving cats! Pollenfur lost her mate, Honeytwist's kits lost their mother! I sat and watched a kit die because I believed it was right to follow her commands. I sent an apprentice to his death to prove himself, and only StarClan knows if Eventide is alive right now because of my decision." She hisses softly, shutting her eyes tightly. All she had done wrong, all she had blindly done in the name of adoration for their Queen.

Hyacinthbreath's tail wraps around her back leg, comforting herself- tears look like they're about to bubble up from violet hues, but she manages to shove it down in front of Coldsnap. "What is a Clan, if we destroy it from the inside? You talk about how we're divided? We're divided because cats are hurting, and people are speaking out! Do you want to end up another body on the ground, do you want to see Dandelionwish turn into something he's not? Loyalty be damned, I serve my people! My family! I don't want to hurt them anymore!" She shouts right back at him, shoving her face right into his own. She's hurt Leechpaw, and she can't forgive herself for it. "I chose my Queen over my clanmates, and I paid the stone-hard price!" She snapped out, fur along her spine rising; gritting her teeth against the anger.

Long ago, she would have done anything for Deputy. Duskfire was an anomaly amongst the candidates for Deputy, and she was angry about it. He wasn't a warrior by blood, but neither was she- so where did that leave her? She wasn't born from the Marsh, nor the Pines. When she had joined the Pine Group, she was already an older apprentice in age. When she witnessed the Great Battle, she witnessed bloodshed that could have been prevented. Could have..

"I am still a warrior," She takes a deep breath, steadying herself- her temper simmering down. "Whatever Sootstar deems is right, only StarClan can judge her. But the decisions of the past are blood-soaked and weeping in agony. I will not be the face of slaughter. My job is to keep my people safe, the only way to unify us is to make decisions that keep them away from danger. But I cannot do that as a beacon to Sootstar. I will change the tides from within, Coldsnap. You want to see us unified, standing as one in loyalty? Think about how you'd want to handle things, then. With getting rid of an experienced medicine cat long before her apprentice is ready to do his job alone? Refusing to heal kits just because they're not of WindClan? Making injured apprentices prove themselves just because they aren't WindClan born? What do you want, Coldsnap?"
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Last edited:
Untitled327-20221103225234.png
IM SCARED TO GET CLOSE AND I HATE BEING ALONE
I LONG FOR THE FEELING TO NOT FEEL AT ALL
THE HIGHER I GET, THE LOWER I SINK
I CAN'T DROWN MY DEMONS, THEY KNOW HOW TO SWIM


Anger. Its all he can feel because its all he ever lets himself feel, and now, when he desperately needs to feel anything but the fires of his rage, it's all his body wants to give him. He's been going from frigid numbness to scathing flames for so long that he doesn't know where the middle ground is anymore, lost in a swirling haze of smoke and mist. He's desperate for answers, for something that's tangible and surefire and not destined to disapear from his grasp like the smoke he's drowning in.

"So what the hell are you saying, Hyacinth?! That if we don't agree with our leader -the leader your fucking precious stars chose- that we should run them out? Kill them?" he snarled, practically spitting the word 'stars' from his lips as his true animosity toward them reared its ugly head. They could have come down and said anything the night of the great battle and the cats would have listened. But did they fix things? No. They encouraged the marsh group to rip itself apart, to divide the territory that had been theirs for lifetimes and to let their cats go off to join new homes. And yeah, a part of Coldsnap fucking hated them.

"I'm not saying she's perfect or that I agree with everything she's done, but she's our Boss Hyacinth. She's part of our clan. If we just start picking and choosing who we're loyal to based off what we like about them then whats the point of being a fucking clan to begin with? If I can just turn my back on someone for not agreeing with them then that makes all of this pointless!"

Why wasn't she understanding? Was it him? Was he not explaining it right? He wanted to scream his frustrations to the sky because he knew it had to be him. They couldn't all be wrong, could they? They can, whispered back something devilish, something hateful and hurt that had watched this same thing happen once before, when all of his siblings and friends had just abandoned him on the heels of the Great Battle, setting out for new clans and leaving him with nothing and nobody in the marshes.

All because they couldn't be loyal to the leader they had.

"What I want is for the clan to make up its fucking mind!" he snarled, but his volume seemed to taper off with Hyacinths, the anger still there but the aggression dulling itself. "Everyone complained, so Starclan gave them five fucking clans to choose from, let them tear apart my home so it could happen. And still, nobody can agree on anything! Nobody knows what to be loyal to or who to be loyal to, but nobody will actually do anything to change it. So you tell me what to do, Hyacinth. You were supposed to be my mentor, so then fucking do it. Tell me who to listen to and I'll do it. If it's not Sootstar, then who? Is it Duskfire? Dandelionwish? You?. And if its not any one cat then whats the point of having a Leader?!"

Something in him was breaking, cracking under an immense pressure he couldn't name. But it was familiar, horribly so, and he lurched to his feet in alarm as if standing would somehow slow it down or stop it.

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore." he mumbled, an admission that was more to himself than the shecat with him. He didn't know who to be or how to change, didn't know what he was supposed to be fighting for. Hyacinth had told him to look to himself, but how could he when the person he was, was someone he hated? The Coldsnap he was now would never make an admirable leader. He was too harsh, to impatient, to quick to pass judgement. And he was trying to change, he really was, but it wasn't the sort of thing that could happen over night. And it certainly wasn't the kind of thing he could find clarity in.





windclan warrior - male - 10 months - a large, dark grey tabby with yellow eyes

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♚ Hyacinthbreath can feel the suffocating feeling of eyes all around her in the moment Coldsnap mentions the Great Battle, feels her breath quicken as he mentions the split; she had friends that died in that war, too. She'd seen it right in front of her; Everest dying protecting the love of his life, Rain as he was killed in what seemed to be cold blood. The eyes that haunt her, the way Lavenderstorm's disappearance haunts her. She'd lost so many cats, lost her family in the rain that night; if anyone understands loss like Coldsnap's, its Hyacinthbreath herself. "Killing is never the solution!" She snaps at the tom then, reeling back in guilt the moment after. "Killing your subjects because.. Because they're loyal to you.." She's reminded of the Deity, of the sickening words he spoke as he revealed he poisoned the Cult. She feels like she's lying in the rain again, starving yet unable to move- unable to properly function. Her brain is racing, but she keeps on. All she knows is to keep moving. It's all she has left.

"A storm is coming, and we must help Sootstar learn to brave it. She must learn that her Clan is not her enemy. We are family. We won't always agree with each other, but harming someone is not a proper way to discipline those who swim against the tides. She is our Queen, Coldsnap. That is no mistake. I owe my very life to her. But I will not let her sit by and destroy herself and the Clan she founded just because she feels she's obligated to it." She whispers the last sentence, tail tightening around her back leg. She wished this would all end, that they could live together on the moors in peace and quiet. "The Clan recognizes Sootstar as their Queen. But they want her to be better. To think more rationally; but she doesn't have cats by her side who will speak their minds anymore. If they do, they risk demotion or worse. If we keep on like this, there will be no more moor runners or tunnelers. There will be no WindClan, except a Queen who rules over a kingdom of cats who will only lead her down a dark path." She mutters, seating herself back down.

He speaks with confusion, urging her to tell him what's right; and Hyacinthbreath can't bring herself to lie to him, he didn't deserve that. "You are no puppet, Coldsnap." Silvery ears twitch atop her head, and she finds herself speaking the words she'd been aching to hear herself. "You are your own person. It's time for you to start forming your own opinions. I suggest you start thinking about further into the future, about what you want for yourself. Do you want things to go back to how it was before Briarstar started that bloodbath of a war, which killed loved ones and friends on both sides? Stare into the eyes of your clanmates and you will find that most of them have lost people, too. We are only a Clan because we all agreed to join this Clan together. Sootstar is our Leader because she makes the tough decisions for us, for what she believes will keep us safe. Keep us strong. But that doesn't mean we are supposed to follow them blindly. We are not puppets, or pawns in this war called life, Coldsnap." She steps away from the tom, squinting up at the sky. She couldn't give a damn about the stars anymore; they'd forsaken her.

"When you've decided what you want for yourself, then you can come to me and question my decisions. I'm always here for you, Coldsnap, you're like a son to me. But I will not hold your paw through everything; especially when it involves your own self-discovery. You're your own tom, after all." She mutters softly, laying back down to rest. Whether he stayed or not was up to him, but she was sleeping under the stars tonight in her own way.​
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