private same thing over again [ buck ]

[koispots]

Theres been a lot of things happening in camp lately, enough to make her head spin, to tighten the knot in her chest until she feels like collapsing. She understands that things happen, but seeing Buck return with blood nearly everywhere- that night, she had gone to the apprentices den and silently bawled her eyes out. She doesn't like it, seeing those with injuries, especially seeing those she genuinely cares about with injuries, it makes her beyond sick. It scares her even more now that she had seen her own mother in Buck's face, the same dribble of blood from lips, she shudders at the thought.

Today she caught a fish, it wasn't great, but it wasn't bad, good enough to be deemed as a present. She feels like a puppet as she stumbles in to camp after the patrol that took her out, and her throat feels dry, and her hearts beating way too fast. Immediately she breaks off, searches for Buck, because the intrusive thoughts as she hunted was just too much, she had to see if Buck was okay, she had to. She finds her within a multicolored gaze and immediately guilt surges through her much like the very river they live in, shes outside the medicine den, and tentatively she makes her way over. She drops the fish besides Buck, avoiding her eyes, seating herself. "I- I got this, got this for you." she manages to get out, her voice shakes like leaves in a storm and inwardly she wants to cry, wants to bawl, wants to ask if shes okay. Nothing at all, nothing else comes out of her mouth, and so she sits in defeated silence, waiting for Buck to talk.

// @BUCKGAIT.
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"speech"​

 

[BUCKGAIT.]

MY NAME IS BRUTUS AND MY NAME MEANS HEAVY ✧​

she sits and waits. it is all she can do. the camp holds her prisoner once more, and she is nursing a wounded pride and the feeling of abandonment eats away at her. beesong had routinely had enough of her moping and loud, dramatic breaths of discontent. caraway visits when they can. even wolfsquall shows up time from time to make sure buck hadn't offed herself in this waiting period. but not a singular sign of lightningstone. not a hair nor whisker of the man...something about that hurt. they've been glued together by the will of cicada, but she'd like to think they were just a bit more than acquaintances. that it wasn't all for nothing. that it all meant nothing to him.

she's entirely consumed by her thoughts, missing the arrival of koipaw before a fish flops in front of her. the guilt had been at bay when she had first arrived in camp, but now flows heavily within the injured woman. she watches the distraught girl before her; heavy with her emotions and with no outlet but her. a pale gaze drops from the gift to koi, before a long sigh is released. "thank you, pretty good catch." koi's usually a breath of fresh air, but from buck's worn and bloodied appearance, she hasn't been the same. moping and never as chipper. "koi...i-i'm gonna be okay. it'll take more than twolegs to get rid of me." buck tries to reassure her, tries to offer proof of her vitality. that she won't go anywhere. it doesn't matter what the world does to her, buck always figures out how to survive.

she just hopes koi understands that.
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[koispots]

She sighs. Koi doesn't blame her. She has been through a lot, more than Koi ever would want to. "Thank you." despite the praise, she doesn't feel her cheeks heat up as usual, doesn't feel the skip in her heart and now its Koi's turn to let out an inaudible sigh. Buck likes her catch, she caught it just for her, so why, why does she still feel so worried? So scared?

I'm gonna be okay.

Her gaze hardens as she turns to look at Buck. Words of affirmation, all lies, she knows it so well from her mom. She opens her mouth to disagree but theres nothing that comes out and so she shuts it instead with pinned back ears. "...Okay." its all she can say, all she can manage to get out of her mouth. She wants to believe Buck but instead she sees her mother, a woman so strong reduced to... She purses her lips.

"How- How are you feeling?" quiet as a mouse she turns back to her, her throat is dry. Perhaps Koi would never get over the fact that her mother died, but she tries so hard to remind herself that Buck isn't her mother, tries so hard to hope that Buck would be stronger. Instead Koi vows that as long as she lives, she'll do her best to protect her, try so hard.
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"speech"​