private WE'VE CAUTERIZED THE WOUNDS || hyacinthbreath

[POLLENFUR]

╭── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╮​

She hadn't been on the patrol that had met Pitchstar at the border. She hadn't seen the snarling visage, spittle flying into Sootstar's face as he demanded to know who. Who had attacked his kin, his medicine cat, who deserved to have their life ruined over a few healing scratches?

Sootstar had been so willing to turn her out. Pollenfur had watched with haunted golden eyes as the messenger returned to camp. "Honeytwist--" she'd spoken, watching her face become steely, resolute. Something in her had hatched anew, hope -- they were leaving. They could leave. Pollenfur could travel again without guilt, because her mate had been exiled, and surely even her kin would not expect her to stay here after such a thing?

Pollenfur had been ready to talk to Honeytwist. She'd been ready to forgive her anything, anything. She did not know Bonejaw, but she seemed a cruel, aggressive she-cat, as most of ShadowClan did. Honeytwist surely had a reason for drawing her blood on a night of peace. Pollenfur was ready to accept almost anything.

"I'd have forgiven you," she says aloud to herself. She'd walking alone. The night is velvety, damp, and she can smell the crackle of ozone, see the sky light up miles away. Rain is misty on the air. It will storm, and she will be soaked to the bone, but she does not care.

She is not alive right now. Somnambulant, dream-state. Honeytwist had confessed her love, lain down her life for Pollenfur, but when the chocolate tortoiseshell had begun to follow her pawsteps, she'd said, "Don't follow me."

"What?" Pollenfur had responded, voice sharp, astounded. "What do you mean? Where are you going? Didn't we say--"

It hadn't mattered. Honeytwist had gone. She'd left Pollenfur here, and although she knows there's pain in the forsaken medicine cat's heart, she also knows she'd have been there to help it. She'd have given up everything, even her own blood kin, for a she-cat who had attacked another unprovoked.

Pollenfur feels light rain mist her fur. She shudders -- not from cold. She's as far from camp as she can get, hoping she's concealed in the shadows, the heather, the storm. She cannot face anyone right now. Honeytwist had left her, and she no longer knows what to do.

"Leave," the voice inside whispers. She stares balefully at her paws. She can barely see them through the veil of rain, the darkness. "And go where, when she will not have me?"

Once, she would have gone anywhere, anytime. Left with nothing but whimsy in her heart.

Since when is her world so small, so gray?

Pollenfur's lower jaw trembles, but she only stares into the horizon. A claw of lightning slashes the night sky. It illuminates her silhouette, catching silver on flighty tears.

@hyacinthbreath

- ,,​

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[hyacinthbreath]

When she had returned from the patrol that met Pitchstar, Hyacinthbreath was shocked. It was obvious that Pollenfur felt for Honeytwist, burned for her in a way that Hyacinthbreath would have burned for Lavenderstorm back then. How she would have laid her life, her reputation on the line just to see that pearly smile again. Crooked with mischief, always chuckling at something she had found amusing. Long, whispy tail slaps against a tree, wet with rain and cold with the winds rough play. She'd been searching for Pollenfur, unsure if the she-cat would leave right behind her mate. She wouldn't enjoy the sight, but it was confirmation. Closure.

WindClan was forever to Hyacinthbreath. She couldn't see anything else except WindClan as her home, would she have left the Clan if Lavenderstorm asked her to, though?

No, I would have chosen my Clan. She scolds herself for remaining in the past, of what could have been. She could have had a loving mate, but in turn she had made mistakes and gotten vulnerable, leading to a family she didn't know how to talk to. Kits that were hers by blood, yet knew nothing of their true heritage. It was a promise Moonshadow had delivered to her, wrapped in barbwire with a nice little bow of 'It's not your responsibility anymore' on the top.

The crackle of thunder soothes her, comforts her in the quiet of the night. Silvery fur caked to her body, revealing the scrawny litheness beneath. She looks ridiculous, she knows, but she could care less in this moment. Pollenfur might have confided in her once over her beliefs, but that didn't make them friends. Hyacinthbreath didn't think she'd earned that title, yet.

Muddy pawpads smack against the ground as she ventures through the thickening forest, the closer to the border she gets worrying her deeply. "Pollenfur?" Calls the accented voice, thick with worry. Violet hues glance around the nearby bushes, nose scrunched in an attempt to smell for the familiar she-cat. Though, the rain water and mud makes it hard to pick up the scent. "Please tell me you're okay. I know how it feels. Stars, I of all people would know." She tries to reassure, to relate for once. A situation she understood. "I know it hurts. When Lavenderstorm disappeared without a word, it felt like I had been shredded in three."​

 

[POLLENFUR]

╭── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╮​

Someone calls to her, and for a wretched moment, she's convinced it's Honeytwist, returned in the storm. She turns swiftly, but the shape moving towards her is on short legs, silver fur plastered with rain, and her eyes are deep blue rather than two-toned. Pollenfur relaxes, but misery is frank in her amber eyes. "Hyacinthbreath," she greets, dipping her head a centimeter to indicate respect. The gesture is hollow, though.

For a moment -- for a moment, she'd thought --

But it's a fool's gamble, and it will be until she allows herself to forget the exiled medicine cat. Pollenfur steps into the clearing, paws sinking into the softened earth. "I'm..." Is she okay? She supposes so. She isn't dying. She isn't starving. She isn't even alone, even though it feels that way in her heart.

The calico regards the lead warrior blankly for a moment as her words register. "I know how it feels. Stars, I of all people would know." Pollenfur's expression softens. She couldn't forget, could she? Lavenderstorm had been Hyacinthbreath's mate, and she'd disappeared without a single word. At least Honeytwist... Pollenfur's throat closes.

She whispers, "I might be in three." She bows her head, body trembling. Not from cold, or damp, but from grief. "I might have been torn soul from body, but I'm living. I'm here. I have to be here."

She waits for the other to join her, though there's no cover for them. Rain soaks them through their wind-blown pelts, but the sky is patchy, and Pollenfur swears she can see stars. She looks at them, reminded only of StarClan, of how they'd blessed Honeytwist only to have their leader drive her away.

"Why would she tell me not to go with her? Why would she leave without her children?" Pollenfur's meow is hollow. "I suppose I'm learning... I'm learning the woman I loved was someone else altogether, and I'm..." She looks at Hyacinthbreath, desperation clouding her gaze. "I'm so unhappy."

- ,,​

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[hyacinthbreath]

Hyacinthbreath, She greets her, voice solemn and grieving despite the respect that was meant by it. There was no hiding the stormclouds in her eyes, the thunder that struck when every tear fell down her soaked cheek. Hyacinth falls in beside Pollenfur, pushing herself against the molly to comfort her. Her tail, soaked and heavy, rests behind the two of them limply. She aches to wipe the tears away, but finds it useless- the rain would hide the tears, and if anyone were to have found them, they would be none the wiser.

Her ears droop with the weight of the rainwater, though she listens intently to the sorrowful voice of Pollenfur as she speaks of lost love. It was like watching herself grieve all over again, and Hyacinth didn't like it. She didn't like watching Pollen ache like this, staying out in the rain as if Honeytwist would come back.

I might have been torn soul from body, but I'm living. I'm here. I have to be here.

She frowns at the words spoken, attempted to lean her head against the taller molly's shoulder in silent support. She doesn't speak, not until Pollenfur had finished speaking. The pain that ebbed from her voice made Hyacinth wince, eyes following the molly's own to the sky. "Do you blame Them?" She asks softly, almost too afraid to hear the answer from the other.

Though, the soft question from Pollenfur makes her shuffle her paws, glancing down at a mud puddle that her paws settled in. Why would she tell me not to go with her? Why would she leave without her children? Hyacinth listened, something she was good at for some stars-forsaken reason. She didn't deserve this trust, but she knew what the molly needed was to talk. She knew she needed that back then, and Pollenfur had been her shoulder to lean on when she needed her. Hyacinth convinced herself that she was only returning the favor, being someone to support her. Nobody else could in these moments, after all. Pollenfur looks to her, as if seeking guidance, and Hyacinth looks saddened for a moment.

"We will never know why Honeytwist did what she did. That is something for her to be haunted over." Carefully, she finds herself sinking to her haunches to sit, tail flicking wet-smacking against the ground. She doesn't understand how someone could abandon their kits, leave them behind in a place like this. "Maybe one day you will see her again and ask her that question yourself. But not now." She adds, shrugging her shoulders sadly. "We like to mourn those who left us. Sometimes we ache to chase after them. But I've found.. Chasing only makes you more desperate. I searched for Lavenderstorm for two whole moons before I finally accepted that she wouldn't come back for me. For us. Do I let it consume me, or move on? I wonder.." A soft hum slipped from her lips, thoughtful in her words. Someone as kind as Pollenfur didn't deserve to feel heartbreak like this.

"Did you love her?" Hyacinthbreath asks softly, eyes of aquamarine flicking upwards to look at the woman.​

 

[POLLENFUR]

╭── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╮​

Hyacinthbreath's wet fur meets her own, and Pollenfur trembles at the contact of another's skin on her own. She looks at the smaller femme, normally half-lidded golden eyes sparkling with distraught. "Do you blame them?" The other's softly accented voice causes Pollenfur to lay her ears flat.

"How can I blame anyone but Honeytwist herself?" She lowers her head, throat tight. "No. I can't even blame her. StarClan put her in this position, put those pressures on her. Is it even reasonable to blame them, though?"

Pollenfur sighs shakily, breath pluming in the frosty air. It's cold on the moors in leaf-fall, where there's no shield from the perilous wind or rain. It's almost a comfort to her, though -- she can feel numb from the outside, and it's distracting enough to calm her.

Hyacinthbreath puts her head on Pollenfur's shoulder. She talks about Lavenderstorm, a she-cat who hasn't been seen since WindClan's formation. Pollenfur bites her lower lip. "Chasing only makes you more desperate." "Is that why... Moonshadow?" She turns her pained face to the lead warrior, shoulders heaving with the effort. "Has it consumed you? Because you're... those kits..." Moving on isn't an option for Hyacinthbreath, she thinks, but she doesn't say it. She only eyes the other with burning golden eyes.

- ,,​

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[hyacinthbreath]

She can't blame Honeytwist, and Hyacinth finds envy in that way of thinking- she wished she had been the same, put the blame in a box and forget about it. Put it to use somewhere else, somewhere it's deserved. But deep down, she still blames Lavenderstorm for leaving her behind. Abandoning her without a word, without a single touch. She'd woken up to an empty nest that morning, and her scent was faint. She'd been gone for a few hours, and had never woken Hyacinth up once.

The thought of blaming StarClan for this didn't settle well for her, perhaps it was because it was Sootstar who deemed Honeytwist exiled. At the behest of the ShadowClan Leader himself, she'd sworn that Honeytwist wouldn't return to their lands. She blinks softly as she remembers that moment, how easy it was for Sootstar to exile their medicine cat. She hadn't thought of Dandelionpaw, or how they needed Honeytwist for leafbare. No, this was a decision to tide over Pitchstar. That's all it was.

"I.. Blame Sootstar, for what happened. Though, how can I ever say that aloud to her?" Hyacinth chuckles softly, disgraced by the pitiful fear she felt when dealing with Sootstar's wrath. She could be irrational at times, sure, but the calmness she spoke with when she exiled Honeytwist only made her think of one thing: Would she kill Hyacinth that calmly, if she spoke out against her? Exile her to never be seen again?

Has it consumed you?

"Every night I dream of Lavenderstorm. I wake up, and my nest is empty." She calmly starts, voice shaky with emotion. Through gritted teeth, Hyacinth pushes back the tears that threaten to spill. "Moonshadow is my trusted friend. She was there when Lavenderstorm left. I.. I was weak, and I missed her. I missed the way she looked at me. I was more than a scarred Warrior of WindClan to her, and Moonshadow thought the same. So I let myself go, if only for one night." The molly whispers the last sentence, sapphire hues flicking upwards to Pollenfur. Expecting judgment, for her to shove her away. "When Moonshadow told me about her pregnancy, she didn't expect anything from me. I was.. I was stunned- I had done something so wrong, and now there are kits in this wretched world that I have to hide reality from." A shift in place, Hyacinth scooping up mud with her paw only to let it drop back to the ground. "I thought everything would settle down, but having a family didn't change anything. I see Lavenderstorm in Moonshadow, and that's my sin. That's for me to carry to my grave."​