⚛︎₊˚‧ He could hardly see an inch in front of him, his own tears blinding him as they continued to pour from inflamed ducts. For once, his eyes were not wide nor did they hold the weight of the entire world's terror inside of them- they were slits, and he would squeeze them shut multiple times in a repetitive motion as if he were trying to cut off the insatiable flow of liquid salt and sorrow. It didn't work, to nobodies surprise, and yet he would allow his eyelids to remain pasted shut, immovable and unseeing. He didn't allow himself to glance into the faces of passers by, nor would he stare back into the empty grey orbs that reflected his own hopelessness and the understanding that he was nothing more than what he was. There was no "could be," only...
is. And what he is was his ultimate burden, that he was
him.
Would it be enough to be someone else? If change was impossible- and it surely felt that way- then could reshaping yourself into something unrecognizable be the solution? No, it would be harder. To remake yourself from the ground up after having lived your entire life as what you are, it was just as impossible and pointless as trying to break away from everything that you ever were. The security of familiarity- even the familiarity of what one might detest- was familiarity all the same...and it bred comfort. That was all they ever did, Shadowclan...finding comfort in what they despised. Because what else was there, if it could not be altered or improved no matter how much you may wish for it? Like Starclan seemed to do, he and many others would turn a forcefully ignorant eye upon the truth of their circumstances. He did the same for his own misfortunes, as was apparent by whatever he was trying to mend or prevent when it came to Talonpaw.
Amberhaze felt Sharpshadow's body shift, his eyes finally opening to blink away the remaining streaks of tears. He still didn't look her in the eye- how could he? She was everything he wasn't, and although it was something he admired...her presence made him feel so small. Not because of the way she towered over him, or the way she stood on unwavering paws, but because her spirit seemed indestructible. It may be battered and old and broken in many places just like his tail- and yet he still carried it with him, dragging it along like a bloated corpse. It should be dead and gone, and yet...it remained. He held onto it. He hadn't given up on the miniscule chance that perhaps someday, it could be something more. That they could
all be something
more.
The older tom would try his best to comfort Amberhaze, but it seemed to slip away from him. He lamented the idea of voicing nothing but deflection straight to his face, and so he would remain silent as Sharpshadow continued to fumble over his own words in an attempt to do something-
anything- for the despondent oriental.
"Talonpaw's alive, isn't he?"
For now.
"Y-you're talking like its over already."
Isn't that all I ever do?
"Our Leaders get nine lives, Amberhaze, and we can hardly even keep them for a season."
So what should become of the rest of us, who have only one?
"Things keep happening. We can't do anything about it."
So are we just doomed to this life forever?
"But I... We try our best." Amberhaze's breath would hitch then, his claws flexing so that the ivory talons hidden beneath glinted in the dimming light overhead.
"Even though it's probably pointless... And anyone that— that really pays attention..." The pause that came after seemed to stretch on forever, and yet for possibly the first time ever, Amberhaze stood entirely still. Frozen in place and not even the slightest bit of noise escaping his pink-rimmed lips, he would only wait and listen.
"At least— At least I hope... will see you for what you try to do." As if shattering a veil, Amberhaze's ocher eyes would reset into their familiar position of being just slightly too wide for whatever normal interaction he found himself in. They bore into Sharpshadow, searching for something that he didn't say aloud. It was almost as if he were seeing him for the first time- truly
seeing him, looking with something beyond just his vision. It cut deeper than the surface, but what he saw was muddled by years of disappointment and false hope.
"...Do you...see it?" The question was nearly a whisper, and he would draw further into himself, crouching down as if the weight of the world were set upon his boney shoulders.
"I see you, you know. W-What you do...And- And have done. For all of us." Paws shifted against peaty earth, familiar terror-filled eyes beginning to trail away from the prickly figure in front of him. For a moment, he wondered if his words even meant anything, how much weight they carried. Did she even care? She didn't seem to care about anything else. But perhaps it was because nobody ever gave her the chance to. Nobody gave her a reason to. Would this be enough? That spark of hope was reignited at the prospect of the near impossible reality of Sharpshadow feeling anything other than a hollowed emptiness that ate him alive every waking moment. Amberhaze may be nothing special, but
Sharpshadow was...but he didn't even realize it. How could he, after being blind for so long?
"Sharpshadow-" Amberhaze jumped to his feet, taking an eager step forward so that his muzzle was mere inches from Sharpshadow's own- they almost collided entirely before his head reeled back before either could feel the ache of impact.
"I- I hope you know...Um...S-Shadowclan wouldn't have b-been able to...to go on. N-Not for nearly as...as long as we- we have. Not- uh- n-not without you. Y-Your guidance. Your- Your protection or...your hope." A gentle smile tugged at the corners of a twitching maw.
"And- I-I know you don't...y-you don't believe there's much left. N-Not for us. Or for yourself. But- But I-I think...you're proof that there is. The- The fact y-you, who's endured...s-so much...is still standing here d-despite it all. Um-" He felt his voice falter with a flush of embarrassment, his cheeks warming as he felt that cold, empty stare piercing through him despite his attempts to avoid it. Was he talking too much? Was this just more pointless banter from crazy Amberhaze? It was too late to take anything back now, he figured he might as well finish. Then he could chew him out and call him a fool before leaving him to do...whatever it was Amberhaze did. Continue to spiral, probably.
He sucked in a breath in an attempt to steady his growing nerves, willing his voice to remain steady and clear.
"You...are the- the hope that we- we've been looking for."
✧ ° . ⚠︎ . ° ✧
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ooc: —
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AMBERHAZE — HE/HIM ･ 20 MOONS ･ WARRIOR OF SHADOWCLAN ･ PENNED BY SLOANE
black oriental shorthair. a short but lengthy black cat with a boney build and striking ocher eyes filled with unveiled trepidation.
