𓆝 LISTEN TO STATIC ☾ LICHENSTAR

[EVENINGPAW]

BINGO EVENT - WALLEYE
@lichenstar ​

Things had been busy, busier than Eveningkit had ever known the camp to be, and she feels at least partially responsible. Her intentions had been good, clear and easy; look for Hazecloud and give the warriors time to care about the others by extension. Two birds with one stone; Eveningkit gets to feel productive and helpful, while the others get a little bit of weight taken from their shoulders. The land beyond wasn't even that scary... it's the Twolegs who made it terrifying by whisking her away without giving her the chance to protest.

Her heart twists- not for the first time today. Lichenstar visits them in the nursery, peeks at the sleeping bodies slotted so close together. Eveningkit keeps her eyes tightly shut, hopes mom won't recognize consciousness in how fast she's breathing, tries not to think about the lack of Riverpaw. Hazecloud is back and curls up around all three of them... three, because by some miracle, Eveningkit had gotten lucky and returned to her rightful place again.

Why does she feel this guilty every time she looks at her family? She did a right thing. A noble thing. Isn't sacrifice something that gets you approving looks and maybe an early ceremony?

Instead, this is what Eveningkit is left with: Horizonkit and Twinklekit's eyes look different. The former especially regards their shared Clanmates with something akin to disdain... and Eveningkit can't pretend not to understand, but it feels wholly wrong. It's not like anyone is at fault. But she is at fault for making her siblings think she's gone too, just like Riverpaw.

There is no salvation to be found. Twolegs have receded, more or less, and things will go back to normal soon enough. Except there is no triumph blooming within her chest, no victory cry to be had for even StarClan to hear. Perhaps Eveningkit will remain as she is- a kit with no mentor, no permission to leave camp ever again, no way to ever understand why her goal turned so sour.

Still, she seeks salvation. Lichenstar turns and their kinked tail ruffles the little tuft of fur between Eveningkit's ears; it's her signal to free herself of familial grasp and hurry over to her mother before she leaves.

"Mom." A voice so uncharacteristically quiet and mellow. "Are you mad at me?" Paws wrap around one of Lichentail's legs, wishing nothing more than to cuddle all their problems away. Is that even possible anymore? Once upon a time, she believed so with her whole heart.
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[lichenstar]

✦　˚ 　✧ ˚　.˚　✦ 　✦

CLAIM THE BURIAL I SEEK IN DREAMS FLOWING RIVER CEMETARY ✧

• They sleep so soundly tonight... Finally they can rest wrapped up in each other's scents and feel safe again. Pebblepaw does not have to hunker here and fill a gray-smoke void and Lichenstar does not have to struggle to find pieces of her heart to give to her children who need it so desperately. It is not for lack of love, that she withholds it... but uncertainty if there is any left to give... That with all of who she's lost have taken chunk after chunk and left so little left to share.
  
  When she decides to leave, it is out of shame more than anything... there is nothing to stop her from curling up on the other side of her kittens (who are so big now it frightens her) and dozing with them the way she did when they were hardly bigger than a single paw. She doesn't mean to brush their sleeping figures but as she steps towards the exit, a tiny voice peeps. "Mom."
  
  Her head turns to glance back at her daughter, watching her climb out from between her siblings and rush over to her- she's so tall now... already big enough to reach up and touch her mother's face without much trouble if she wanted to. Yet... still she wraps around her leg like she is that tiny, paw-sized girl... and asks with wide eyes a question that bubbles uncomfortably under the surface of their skin.
  
  Anger... it was a complicated emotion. One she didn't enjoy wallowing in for long, hated it even more when it bled into her parenting. It had been anger that had told Shellpaw she was too useless to do anything... had prompted a gnashing of a thorn-sharpened tongue tactlessly and without feeling. She tried not to think about it... truly... the betrayal that ran like fire through her veins to have heard her lilac-breathed girl wail for her missing sister. Did Eveningkit even know...? The kind of damage she'd done in her ignorance?
  
  She'd never been one to particularly good at lying... she doesn't try to now. "Yes." Her blink is slow, weighted by exhaustion just as much as her leg was weighted by a she-cat soon to be apprenticed. "I am mad." She draws in a deep breath, aware already that her answer will not be a relief, but a great wound instead... but her children needed to know their actions had consequences. That the best intentions did not matter when they left scars behind.
  
  "Come outside.. with me... we should talk..." It would be best not to reduce her silver-pointed child to tears and wake the rest of the nursery up doing so...
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[EVENINGPAW]

She wilts like a flower, petals shrinking in on themselves — except there is nowhere to go to escape Lichenstar's gaze. Eveningkit has called their attention onto herself after all. She lets her cheek warm the leg within her grasp for a moment further, before finally letting go.

"Okay." Acceptance. What else is there to do?

Eveningkit casts one final glance at the sleeping bodies of her family. Are their dreams peaceful? She hopes so; they all deserve some peace, something Lichenstar seems to lack, given the haunted look within those eyes. It's an ironic thought... she had always imagined any deputy would be over the moon to fulfill their ambitions by succeeding their leader. Her mother is different. She seemed so much more calmer under Smokestar's leadership.

The nightly chill hits her when she emerges from the nursery, shivering all over. It's impossible to keep the silence for too long... Lichenstar will explain in due time, Eveningkit is sure of it, but her chest is already expanding with an inhale that will turn into a little ramble.

"I, I didn't want anything bad to happen- not like this, I just..." she trails off, already understanding how foolish her goal had been. "I thought I could bring mama home."
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[lichenstar]

✦˚.✦˚✦˚✦˚ ✧ ˚✦˚✦˚✦.˚✦

CLAIM THE BURIAL I SEEK IN DREAMS FLOWING RIVER CEMETARY ✧

• Carefully, kitten-plush paws unwrap themselves from around her leg, ears hanging dejected at the sides of her face in a somber acceptance of the conversation to come. They wander a small distance from the warm seclusion of the nursery and though she still simmers with that anger, she won't be so cruel as to neglect her daughter to warmth of her touch. Sitting with a paw raised in gesture to come closer, to come sit and be warm in their closeness, she listens with a blank stare as Eveningkit already tries to explain herself.
  
  Her head shakes, gently, "I know you didn't..." Because what child out there was capable of that kind of maliciousness...? And what child wasn't blinded by promises of power that far exceeded the reach of their little bodies? Lichenstar had been just as much an idealist at that small age, over-eager to hunt for herself, to impress her parents....
  
  Maybe the two weren't terribly different then... and their choices were handed down to her in turn, to be repeated in blissful ignorance that they were mistakes already made once before.
  
  "My sun-drop.... if bringing back... your mother... was as simple as wanting," she lets out a small sigh, both to relieve her throat of the effort of speaking and to let frustration escape in calm collectedness, "I would've made... it happen... much faster." Sometimes great acts of bravery were the push a clan and its members needed to make hard decisions... but the kit-brained idea of heroism ignored the context of reality.
  
  "Success... comes from... team-work...." And that would be made more evident just as soon as she was old enough to see it for herself. "You have to.. trust us..." So many members of this clan were just as eager to free those captive... "What if you'd.... found a dog," she insists, "Or stumbled upon... those bears..."
  
  The story ends itself in the tight-lipped frown on her face- those tales end in tragedy. It is luck that had prevented them from becoming reality.
• about
  
  speech hex code ✧ #6368A5
  
  ooc notes ✦
  tagging ✶
  penned by tieirlys
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[EVENINGPAW]

☁

Despite it all, Eveningkit is quick to accept her mother's invitation. There is no hesitance in the way she tiptoes around a little pebble to settle right beside and under the protection of kinked fur. It is a snapshot of familial love that Eveningkit has not yet learned to be grateful for; ever so oblivious to the jealous glances of cats like Cicadaflight, seeing the stark difference of parent-and-child affections. Argument or not... Eveningkit cannot deny the endless depths of love Lichenstar offers.

None of that strips her of the defensive stance she's picked up. This is a situation she's created — not even an impulsive one per se, given her plan and anticipation from the moment the sun had risen that day. Eveningkit accepts whatever Lichenstar says, authority as a parent much more effective than that of a leader.

"That's true," she murmurs, pawing at the aforementioned pebble to avoid idleness. Lichenstar could move mountains, could carve one out of simple land, could do anything... they brought back Hazecloud even if the odds were heavily stacked against RiverClan- but this fact they hadn't known just a moon prior, shrouded in desperate uncertainty.

Then, her voice rises, an inevitability. "I do trust you!" Amber pools glisten as they stare into mother's blues, dimming only after she is sure she made her point. And... after the realization that actions just might weigh heavier than words. She trusts Lichenstar and the Clan as a whole, and yet she had still left. "Teamwork..."

Soon enough, Eveningkit would become a team player too.

The moment instills in her a certain degree of stubbornness: she already is a team player, but one that is forced to sit by the sidelines; home and away, a never-ending competition.

"Yes, but- what if you ran into a dog or a bear? You did meet a dog actually..." It is not a gentle memory. Eveningkit's voice grows desperate as she attempts to describe something so much greater than herself, paws now tearing at the grass underneath her sitting form; how does one deal with the fact that they cannot prevent every bad thing that life throws at them?
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[lichenstar]

✦˚.✦˚✦˚✦˚ ✧ ˚✦˚✦˚✦.˚✦

CLAIM THE BURIAL I SEEK IN DREAMS FLOWING RIVER CEMETARY ✧

• It takes careful, intentional practice.. to keep an even tone, a forgiving nature, and open arms. It isn't a grace she'd been afforded, had no example to look to between her parents nor her mate's... they were simply left to stumble blindly through this and hope that their children grew up feeling loved and heard. The expectations passed down to them, though not obvious now, were a rigid set of rules that defined them as the perfect warriors... they would be law-abiding... dutiful... honest... all the greatest pieces of both of their parents. That was the hope... had always been... and selfishly, Lichenstar still hopes they take after Hazecloud moreso than herself. If the only piece of her they get is baby blues and their little stripes... that'd be plenty.
  
  Eveningkit's eyes fixate on the ground like suns set on the horizon, twiddling with a pebble in shame or regret... Lichenstar isn't entirely sure. The lesson seems to slowly find its way between her ears, nestling in her head as a new important rule to adhere to. Trust and teamwork... Her outburst declares a sense of faith in her mother and the lynx point can't help but softly laugh. "I should... hope so," she purrs, pressing her nose briefly to the spritely girl's ear. "But... there's more than... just me." She could name a few clan-mates she wouldn't practically trust with the safety of her kits but... that wouldn't be helpful in this discussion. Unfortunately, she'd have to learn for herself how to tell which clan-mates were worth giving your whole self to and which ones should only see the surface.
  
  With any luck, she'd find more to share with than not. Wouldn't be subjected to the self-imposed isolation of her mother's ilk.
  
  The concern for her safety is... sweet... But there are plenty of scars that riddle her coat to prove of her survivability. She'd fought more than a couple battles and come out alive, even if battered sometimes beyond easy healing. "I've seen many... dogs in my life," she answers, pale gaze sliding towards the distance as if it might summon the monsters of her memory like firelit illusions. "I've had... practice."
  
  "You... however," she says, placing her paw firmly on top of Eveningkit's head and messing up the darkened fur there, "Are still... too young... and can't protect yourself." As fierce as she tried to act, those kitten claws would do little but anger such beasts and fan the flames of its hunger. "Things happen... it can't be... avoided forever."
• about
  
  speech hex code ✧ #6368A5
  
  ooc notes ✦
  tagging ✶
  penned by tieirlys
• ˚　　★⋆. ࿐࿔　　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.　　　　　 . ✦　　　 　˚　　　　 .
  
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