βｑοΎβοΈο½‘βｑ οΎβΎ οΎο½‘β Busy work was all Slateheart could seem to do these days to keep his mind at ease. It was strange how he held together so well during his times of peril, and seemed to crack around the edges now that the Clan had finally settled down. Without the conflict, it was too quiet and too peaceful, allowing his mind time to heal its wounds - which often required recollecting and confronting painful memories. Sometimes, it was almost too much to bear.
It was all he could do to keep his composure around others. Not even Gravelsnap had seen the true inner workings of his mind, the deep ocean filled with uncertainty and sorrowful reminders of days past. And he was content to keep it that way, even if the threat of drowning in it was near.
At the forefront of these problems was his disconnect with his Clan. Under his father's cruel ownership, he had been isolated from potential friends, expected to keep his mouth shut and focus on the task at hand; becoming a loyal soldier for Sootstar. In his anger and pain, this was easy work - he was quicker to snap at other apprentices rather than make friends, despite his deeply suppressed desire to be a normal kid, even pushing away his own brother, the 'golden child' for which he regretfully felt envy.
Lynxtooth's death marked a new era of change. He knew that moment that he was free and he could take his life into his own paws - but where? Sixteen moons spent being someone's clay to mold into whomever they please, a husk of his true self - but.. what was his true self? As an attempt to find it, he had been, noticeably, trying to reconnect with his Clanmates and find his place in the Clan ever since they took back the moors, but every attempt to socialize required forced friendliness, and every smile he wore felt completely and utterly.. fake. Nothing about it felt natural - and that is what was troubling him.
To be approached by someone else was a change, not entirely unwelcome, but a tad uncomfortable. Slateheart wears this feeling well with shifty eyes and an uncertain frown. On Sunstar's command, he allowed himself to relax, all save for the occasional flick of his tail tip. He eyes the rabbit for a moment, then Sunstar, and finds the strength to return his smile - another one that feels to be unfortunately, forced.
The golden leader speaks of his troubles, and Slateheart lowers his chin. Is it obvious? he thinks. He thought that some interactions were convincing enough to be true, like the flower-dressing with Dimmingsun and Blizzardkit, but perhaps the discomfort in others was not as subtle. Slateheart almost wants to brush off Sunstar's concern, as he would any other cat - but something about the older tom always struck him as welcoming. Like a mentor by spirit, a fatherly presence to all. "Well," the black tom cocks his head, thinking. "Where do I even start?" he jokes, dryly, followed by one of his new trademark nervous chuckles.
"It's just.. I had my place in this Clan, when my father was alive. I was his apprentice. I was going to be Sootstar's warrior. I was going to fight in their wars." It takes a moment of thought, but Slateheart soon finds it feels refreshing to put his thoughts into words, the feelings that had long since been muddled and indescribable. "It was a bad place, but it was my purpose. And now.." Green eyes flick towards the rest of the camp, which had been bustling with growth and comfort for a moon, now. Newleaf had arrived, kits had been born, flowers have grown - there was change all about them, but Slateheart has felt.. stagnant. "I'm glad to be free of them. But I've missed.. so many moons of figuring out who I am. And now.. I don't know.."
A heavy sigh escaped Slateheart's maw. "I don't.. feel like I fit into this Clan. I want to - but where do I even start? I've pushed these cats away my whole life. Am I supposed to pretend like I know them, that they know me?" It's a Clan full of strangers, to him. Most mornings that he left his den, he felt like he could have been stepping into SkyClan with how little connection he felt.
Slateheart looks back up to Sunstar, wearing the same old frown he's worn his whole life. "Do you.. know how it feels? To not belong?"
