WAIT WAIT WAIT ♡ FERNDANCE

[MIRESTAR]

"Walk with me?" Mirepurr had asked — and unlike their usual polite self, they had not waited for a proper answer before leading Ferndance out of camp. Thankfully, they are no fool; they had looked over their shoulder before making any meaningful distance, on the off-chance today's antics for Ferndance had included not listening to suggestions before she says yes. It would have been quite a joke to let Mirepurr go and hang back, amused giggle barely contained behind a paw... not today.

Today, Mirepurr hopes to take Ferndance apart, just a little bit; to wrench some of the seams apart and get a good look inside, past the humor and the lack of meaningful seriousness. She can be as fierce as any other warrior — is that fierce, but it can be easy to forget. Perhaps that is one of her greatest weapons. It is easy to get overwhelmed by someone you underestimate, as a result of what she puts on display... Mirepurr could learn a thing or two from her.

Usually this comes easy to them... but Mirepurr finds themself hesitating. How exactly should they start a conversation as sensitive as this? The nerves had not kicked in when they told Plumpaw what to do in their absence; had not compelled them to stop before approaching Ferndance. Now, she is at their heels, and there is no turning back.

Mirepurr slows their pace to fall in line with her, and picks their words carefully. "I understand if you don't want to talk about it, I just... well, I haven't asked yet because I didn't want to upset you, but I don't want to say nothing." Surely she understands. Their compassion towards their Clanmates is evident... but sometimes, it serves them better to stay silent and wait — even if there is no way time could heal the wound that a missing daughter.

Maybe we should have looked harder, they think, but Mirepurr knows that to be unfair. ShadowClan had combed through their territory and asked for those outside it to check as well. Snowypaw's disappearance is a mystery, and perhaps that is more agonizing than anything concrete.

"How are you faring, without Snowypaw?" Mirepurr refuses the urge to flinch at their own words. Ripping the bandaid off does not feel pleasant. "I... I hate that we just didn't find anything. At least we didn't find blood or anything too concerning, but... I imagine that does not help you sleep better at night."

@FERNDANCE

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[FERNDANCE]

"Ok..." Mirepurr's insistence was one she had not encountered before, not from the Deputy and not really from the clan. Forceful tones had often been ignored or made a mockery of, yet the chimera did not leave room for either. On cervine-esque limbs, the fallow tabby followed after her, sufficiently curious enough to keep up with the other. She watched as Mirepurr slowed down, her head tilted as the other tried to warn her of what was to come. "Is it the butt-sniffing?" she smiled impishly. "That's just Smogstar being silly, I don't actually sniff bu-"

How are you feeling about Snowypaw?

Ferndance's expression fell and she stopped in her tracks. "Oh... that is upsetting." Her blinks slowed and slowed, her ears once swiveled forward with confidence now settling upon the back of her skull. That pit she'd tried her best to climb out of was ready to swallow her whole again. Guilt ran its hands across her throat, unspoken clues unable to be choked out past the grip it had upon her - she didn't even know if they were truthful, she only knew of Snowypaw's plan and not whether it had succeeded. For the rest of her kittens' sakes, it could never be ushered, and Ferndance would be condemned to a torture of her own making. Even with her own part in the play, it was easy to lash out at the others for not trying to stop Snowypaw. Too easy. Staring down the Deputy, she was certain even the other had found her ire at one point or another.

"I would have preferred blood," she admitted, claws writhing in the loam. "I can't grieve or rejoice, only worry. I've never not had closure before, it's... it's..." Her emerald eyes traced the earth, the areas of mud where her attacks had split the seams. Wormwatcher had been the first cat to ask her how she was feeling, Mirepurr had been the second. Even if the conscious could appreciate the kind gestures and weep with them, the cat just wanted to bat it all away, pretending that everything was fine.

How cruel it was for the mind to wage war upon itself.

A soft admittance came. "She wasn't happy in ShadowClan." She'd always thought Shadepaw to be her mirror, but in that regards, Snowypaw may have been Ferndance's greatest reflection. A creature that could comprehend their emotions far better than she ever could, someone who did not feel compelled to act upon the whims of others and instead went to great lengths to look after themselves. If Snowypaw had made it to RiverClan, then she could be proud of her for doing what Ferndance could never.

'And even if you didn't make it... I'm still proud you're my daughter.' "I like make-believe things, they make me feel better. If I imagine her gallivanting about in the flowers with some new friends and just living as she wants to live then I don't have to think about the fact that she's gone... maybe forever. This clan is too miserable already without me making it worse." The corners of her lips tilted up in a mournful smile.
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[MIRESTAR]

Unsurprisingly, Ferndance meets their inquiry with humorous ignorance. It is as expected as the sun's rise and fall at the start and end of each day — Mirepurr feels a sting of guilt over dampening her spirits, but... truly, they ought to ask. Should have done so ages ago, even. It is the least they can do for their Clanmate.

When they see the sadness creeping into every feature of her face, Mirepurr almost reconsiders; maybe they should back off, tell her it doesn't matter (of course it does), stop her from free-falling into the pit that is no doubt there in the wake of losing offspring. Snowypaw's siblings are almost ready to be warriors, and she should be here for Ferndance to fuss over in excitement.

"I'm sorry," they say with their ears pressed to their skull, because what else is there to say? Ferndance is in a limbo — the hope that is normally something uplifting to possess now only serves to drag her down, unable to transition into properly grieving for her daughter. It is perhaps more punishing than being the one to prepare a body for vigil.

The mournful queen confesses what is arguably a prominent trait in Snowypaw- or was, rather. Mirepurr might be naive for thinking the source of her unhappiness was as simple as apprenticeship blues. "They might not be make-believe..." Choosing the right words to say is a delicate and risky endeavor. "Maybe it's not my place to say, but... I feel inclined to believe she would have visited Smogstar or Starlingheart, if she really is gone." Surely StarClan would have allowed her to do so, and spare Ferndance this never-ending battle within herself.

Mirepurr thinks of saying the truth; that they have not given up on Snowypaw just yet. Wouldn't it just add salt to injury though? Perhaps it is easier for her to believe the black-and-white she-cat only exists in her mind and heart now... that others around her are not holding out hope just as much, even to this day.

"You don't need to hide your misery for the Clan." The words tumble out of their mouth before they can really think about it, and it nearly freezes them up. "I mean... it's not like I want to tell you how to feel, of course. If it's easier- stars, of course it's not easier." Mirepurr shakes their head in an useless attempt at ridding themself of the heat born of embarrassment. "What I'm trying to say is- feel what you need to feel. I'd hope nobody dares to blame you for grieving."
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[FERNDANCE]

Mirepurr's assurance that Snowypaw wasn't dead was needed and unneeded. At least if Snowypaw had died, then she would know where the black she-cat was, that she had failed her task. It would be tragic, but she would know... she would know. If she had succeeded, she doubted RiverClan would tell her. Wordlessly, the tawny she-cat nodded.

Anxiety crept within Ferndance's gut as Mirepurr told them they didn't need to hide. She listened for a moment, slack-jawed yet attentive, before admitting something else to the Deputy. "I don't like the way they look at me when I grieve. It makes me feel... angry." She wanted to scream 'where were you before?', tell them it was too late to feel bad. But by now, all she would be doing was screaming at stars. Most who had made her feel that way had died, or withdrawn from their duties, all that remained were those who had been neutral... compliant. Was it right to be annoyed with them for it?

"My clan turned on me during my pregnancy, called me so many names, accused me of getting pregnant to avoid my duties. I'd even lost my rank. Then, when I gave birth... and Sprucepaw..." Her ears swiveled back as if struck by an unsheathed paw. "The guards, being outcast, then when Bloodpaw got injured and Chilledstar blamed me it was all... so, so much. I felt alone." Those had been the days she'd been closest to leaving her home behind along with her kittens, the days she'd first learned that words could hurt harder than any injury.

It was uncomfortable. Perhaps her discomfort had rubbed off on Snowypaw. Perhaps if she hadn't been so honest with her kittens....

No, no, they deserved honesty. It was how she was raised and how she'd wanted to raise her own. "I want to love my clan, but when I grieve now, and think about when I grieve before, all I can imagine is them casting me out again. That my grief would be too much, or too... wrong. I know I'm angry at them for not doing more to accept my daughter and to stop her from feeling so... lonely. And if I showed that, then... I wouldn't belong." She would lose what she worked so hard to rebuild. It would be her fault over again. The guilt was already a boulder upon her spine without anyone else adding more rocks atop of it. To grieve was a Sisyphean task, to grieve without knowing whether you would spend another sunrise in the home you loved? Torture.

"I know you mean well, but, there's too much bad blood to be anything but the Ferndance I want to be. It makes me happy to be that Fernie and it makes the clan happy and that's... that's all I need to move on... I think." To pretend as if everything was ok.
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[MIRESTAR]

Mirepurr is decisively not in their element here. They do not have sons nor daughters; they can only empathize with Ferndance on a surface level, the bare minimum, and not manage to dabble deep within the subject like it deserves. It is a disservice... Ferndance deserves someone who understands every bit of sensitive nuance — but they can only offer themself in the current moment. It has to be worth something. They pray it is worth anything at all.

Similarly, Mirepurr knows little about grief. They feel it, when they think of their mother; the moons and years stripped of them, the knowledge that their life would probably feel different if sickness hadn't robbed her of time with her kittens... and hadn't robbed Mirepurr of freedom during their apprenticehood. But she is alive, a non-disputed fact that Ferndance does not have the luxury of experiencing. And so, they can only nod once again in agreement — taking her word for it, for they have no right to do much else.

"I'm sorry..." Mirepurr croaks again. Their ears lower, their entire body seemingly sagging with each word Ferndance says. Is this how mothers feel when their offspring disappoint them? Mirepurr feels bitter with the knowledge that ShadowClan has not given one of their queens the support she so desperately needed.

Chilledstar had not been right in mind when they blamed Ferndance. Mirepurr still remembers the frown etched onto their own face as their leader grappled with something within their mind, barely able to name their own Clanmates. They had been swift in their dismissal of Ferndance... perhaps it was for the best, for she hadn't needed to be torn into publicly for too long.

Still. The situation had not been so black and white, was it?

Mirepurrs fears their swallow is audible. "I know it might not mean much anymore... because your daughter is already gone, and we should have changed before it came to it." Blood roars in their ears; would Ferndance find solace in their words, or slap them across the face for the audacity? "But I will try my hardest to change this Clan for the better. You do not deserve to be mocked and insulted in your grief. If it depends on me, no apprentice will feel singled out so much that they think the best option is to leave."

Saddened eyes meet Ferndance's — equally as sad, deep inside, but veiled thick as a cobweb. "For what it's worth, I like the both of you. The Ferndance you are, and the Ferndance you want to be."
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