- Nov 29, 2023
- 245
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"Why?"
The question burns when it climbs up and joins the brittle air, just as much as when it had been trapped within the walls of their lungs. Mirepurr had not dared uttered it before this... although their attempts had been flimsy, they still tried to appear as collected as possible in front of their Clanmates. They deserved as much. Panic had indeed slipped into their eyes and their voice when Lilacfur had revealed the empty wake of Smogstar... but other than that, Mirepurr could not afford to break when ShadowClan depends on them.
They always do, do they not? Depended on them when they had been apprenticed too quick, only for a new code to call out the cruelty of it; depended on them when their baby siblings needed someone to care for them; depended on them every step of the way. Mirepurr is as ingrained into ShadowClan as ShadowClan is into them.
And it is endlessly unfair.
Sometimes, Mirepurr allows themself to wallow in some self-pity. They deserve as much — they could not do so when they were a 'paw, forced to push back their own training and present in order to prioritize the future of their family. They do not regret it...
But. There is always that but, and it riddles them with guilt every time they are reminded of it.
Their mother shouldn't have had to wither away in that den. Perhaps if Bonejaw hadn't refused to care for her patients... perhaps then everything would be different, and Mirepurr would not feel so stifled now. In the same vein, are they wrong for somewhat placing blame onto their mother? Sick or not, a parent should be there for their kittens; something she had failed at miserably, leaving the responsibility to weigh on Mirepurr's too-young shoulders at the time. The decision was theirs, arguably; but the alternative, the further distancing between kin, did not come up as a choice.
And now, another abandons them. Sickness had gripped Smogstar, and for reasons unknown, he had deserted them.
He had always appeared so strong. Stoic, monotone, talks too much... but he had somehow managed to bear the loss of his mate, and then took the next step forward. Climbed the ladder; had been the puzzle piece ShadowClan was missing after Chilledstar drew their last breath. Was it all a mask? Did he not want this position that seemed to fit him so well?
Mirepurr feels crushingly alone. Even if they can push their nose into the comfort of Lilacfur's pelt, or litter Thrasherthroat's ears with complaints... they can expect no one but themself to take up the mantle next.
They remember the joy, the pride they had felt when Chilledstar asked them to join their council. They remember the absolute baffled surprise when Smogstar settled on them for next in line- deputy of ShadowClan! Terrifying. It had terrified them to the very bone, but the presence of Smogstar made it easier to bear. The knowledge that they had time to learn from him in hopes of resembling him had been soothing... but now, there is nobody to copy.
Mirepurr stares at the stale bedding now. It had not felt the warmth of warm-blooded feline in many sunrises now... and never would again, for Mirepurr would never dare to settle into Smogstar's place- not like that, anyhow.
It starts as a mere attempt — the swipe of dull claws — but then it evolves into something else. Call it stress relief or a way to take out their rarely-felt anger... nevertheless, once Mirepurr starts, they cannot put an end to their anger-fueled movements. Unsheathed talons tear at Smogstar's bedding, and with each bit of moss flying across the den, Mirepurr realizes the near-blasphemy of this is not enough to stop them. The helplessness and bitterness crescendos into a pained wail- "Why did you have to leave?"
