DON'T YOU GIVE ME UP, PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP
there is a certain way that death creeps up on you. no matter if you are expecting it, or not, you just don't know when its going to grab you. it's merciless. and it does not forget anyone. to cheat death is only to delay the inevitable. no one escaped death and the absolute bone shaking grief it left behind. no one could get away from it, even if they ran faster than a monster upon the thunderpath. it was relentless.
chilledgaze has seen a lot of it and the damaged it caused. they didn't exactly deal with it in a healthy manner, either. to grief, chilledgaze would have needed to take time away. they couldn't do that. their clan needed them. minkpaw needed them. spectermask needed them. pitchstar needed– pitchstar.
they're pulled from the warriors den by the commotion of everything, ears twitching slightly as they looked at siltpaw and granitepaw. they spoke of pitchstar, and a rogue, and how he was losing his lives over and over– just like his mother. un. his first life is lost to a traitor. a traitor and a liar. a liar and a snake. deux. the next one was lost when they were so desperate to get food that he led a patrol to the carrionplace. a rat rips his throat and he falls dead, bleeding and bleeding and bleeding. trois. the same bite is not treated properly. pitchstar never was that clean of a cat, and that certainly didn't help. it is infected and he dies... only good that comes from that is that starlingheart now knew how to properly treat them. quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf. nine. his last life is ripped from its body and he dies one final time. he has no more reserves in the well. it's gone, and so is he.
this was their fault. they had told him to go take a walk... nagged him about it. they didn't mean any harm– of course not, pitchstar was one of their best friends– they just wanted him to enjoy some time to himself. but it didn't work like that... a rogue had found him and with everyone as weak as they were, he can't properly fight back. his lives are torn from him, just like briarstar's had been. did starclan really hate them so much? why had this happened again? and why did it have to happen to him?
un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf.
nine. nine lives, nine chances, nine do-overs. and they were all gone, just like that. they blink their eyes slowly, and it's almost as if the news hasn't quite reached them. they don't realize the severity. they don't understand what this means for them, for starlingheart, for all of the briar kits that were left behind, for the clan. the clans. there was a rogue running wild... killing leaders. killing... in general. time seems to move in slow motion and with a grunt, they make their way forward.
"where? show me. take me to him."
they almost plead but they won't. not now. and they won't wait for starlingheart either. they needed to see him first. they have to get to him first, try and save him. he can't be gone. he can't be. don't be gone. don't be gone. they look over at the apprentices for a moment before just jerking their head away. they couldn't wait for them either.
un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf.
9 hours. 9 minutes. 9 seconds. it didn't matter. they were too late. this had been their fault. if they hadn't pushed– if they'd just left him be– they push out of camp, tail lashing behind them. it's not that hard to track the scents of all of them. they all come from a direction that they can follow. they're a good hunter they knew how to find what they were looking for. they'd trained forestshade to do the same. she could find anything, anywhere, and her blindness didn't stop her. chilledgaze was not going to let anything stop them, either. they continued on, nose twitching back and forth and back again. they didn't know if anyone had followed them and they didn't care either. they had no concern but their friend. their best friend. their leader.
their world stops. there is no beat, no melody. nothing is left. they are hesitant to even approach the body. it doesn't look right. he's supposed to be alive. they're supposed to be laughing at others. they are supposed to gossip about all the things they hate about the other clans. about all the stupid little things. there wouldn't be a laugh anymore. it was gone, it was gone– he was gone.
"you... you jackass! you mother-fucker! you mouse brained asshole! get up, damn it! get up! you promised! you fucking promised!"
they can't breathe. they can't. a promise broken. a heart shattered. many wouldn't miss him but they would. they always would.
"the day you become deputy, you promised me that you'd be okay. before you became deputy when we became friends– best friends– you promised me that you would never leave me! and I fucking believed you, like an idiot! you– I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have told you to go on the walk. I should have left you alone. I... should have came with you or I should have... I don't know. i don't know! just get up!"
they don't even realize that the tears have fallen down their face. they don't even realize that their chest is rising and falling way too fast. they... need to wait for starlingheart. she can fix it, right? she can save him. keep him from the claws of starclan, right? they began to pace, claws slowly coming out as they bared their teeth. they wiped away their tears angrily– only just now feeling the dampness on their cheek– tail lashing back and forth. they're on guard. they can't let anyone near his body. they can't.
you know he's gone. just stop.
a voice says, and they can't listen. they can't. they won't. he can't leave me. he promised, okay? he fucking promised.
