private A danger to herself and others | Catfishpaw

[Hazewish]

TRAVELER, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED (AND NOW YOU MUST GO) ⋆⁺₊⋆

Hazepaw still wakes up with a start most nights, breath short, heart hammering, nostrils filled with the stench of blood — a cloying memory clinging to the back of her throat. It’s been quite a few days already since the badger attack, but she can’t seem to move past it. The sight of Catfishpaw’s mangled leg haunts her.

They feel… guilty. The feeling is novel: Hazepaw is usually unapologetic in everything they do. But this time they’re acutely aware that none of this would have happened if not for their own actions. Maybe Catfish would have been out of the camp if Hazepaw hadn’t asked her along; they share this taste for truancy, at least. And maybe Catfish would have been curious about the burrow as much as they were. But they remember her voicing her hesitation about it; remember shrugging it off for the sake of discovery. Remember, worst of all, the fear gripping them at the sight of the badger — the thought, irrational, that going back to Catfish would fix this — and the realization, seconds later, that it would only make things worse.

And now Catfish might never be able to walk on that leg again, and Hazepaw did this to her.

That guilt, and the irritation born of feeling guilt (Haze is not well-versed in admitting mistakes) have kept her away from the medicine den. Not entirely, of course: Starclan itself couldn’t stop Hazepaw from visiting her wounded friend. But Cicadastar has been working her twice as hard in retribution for her actions — she’s lucky he considered the fear of a badger encounter punishment enough besides that — and it’s proven to be a good excuse to give the medicine den a wide berth. She hasn’t been fighting very hard to get away from her duties.

Luckily for them, Catfish was mostly out of it every time they did find the time to visit. At first it was the feverish pain and poppyseeds keeping her woozy and incoherent; then, simple chance made it so that the other molly was asleep whenever Hazepaw dropped by. Easier than facing her: what if she decides that after this, she would rather not be Haze’s friend at all?

She misses her friend, though. Even if facing her disappointment is a terrifying possibility… she misses talking to her.

(They’ll admit that they turned tail, a few times, before reaching the medicine den. Not because they saw that Catfish was awake and got scared, though; but because they glimpsed one or both of Catfish’s parents lingering near the opening, and wisely decided to pick their battles. She owes them no excuse.)

There’s only so long she can keep deluding herself into thinking she can avoid Catfishpaw forever, though, and she doesn’t like the thought of her being alone and bored while Haze gets to run around unimpeded by her own actions. So today, when she slips into the den after finishing her chores and finds her friend awake and seemingly clear-eyed, she resolutely doesn’t turn tail and run.

”Hi,” they say, faltering before pressing their nose to Catfish in greeting — the useless word and hesitation to crowd into her space both uncharacteristic. ”... Okay?”

[⋆]​

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[Catfishleap]

'cause my girl's made of peaches♡—————————————————
Life had become more and more coherent everyday, the sluggish brain that poppyseed and such gave her was slowly becoming one of the past and now her green eyes were sharp and lively. The medicine den was however still stuffy and dark it seemed. Ravenpaw hadn't cleared her to even just hobble out the entrance to breathe fresh air yet and the dull walls had every single detail memorized in full by the molly. She didn't think she would ever complain about camp being boring when this place still existed. It didn't help that Hazepaw hadn't really came by all that often.

She had sometimes caught the glimpse of her between her parents bodies but as soon as they were seen they were gone. It made sense, Catfish had received enough lectures from them already, she would just feel bad if Hazepaw had to deal with it too. Honestly she was glad that her parents didn't come in very often, it meant she didn't have to get an earful all the time. So, in that way she was fine with Hazepaw avoiding her. But other times she would be sitting alone, especially at night, "waiting" for Hazepaw to come in and just... be with her she supposed? Something in her craved the company of them. She wished she could ask Ravenpaw and Hazepaw if they could move into the medicine den, just for the nights. But, every time she thought about asking she felt embarrassed and stupid, she could be by herself. It was fine.

It had been one of those lonely nights the night before. Part of it had to to with waking up from a nightmare, body shivering and heart racing. Those nights of terrors were a specific lonesome. So when Hazepaw showed up that day Catfish was very grateful, even though it was too late to help with the nightmare. It didn't matter. Her eyes lit up and a large smile beamed at the grey tabby. Even though an actual greeting from them was uncommon Catfishpaw didn't really notice, she also didn't notice the hesitation at touching noses, for Catfish there was no thought of blaming Haze for what happened. Well, at least she had just equated both of them to being stupid. So there was no need for tension, just longing for her friend.

"Hey, yeah I am feeling not bad. It only really hurts now if I move it wrong or something like that." she paused for a second to just evaluate Hazepaw, "So, my guards of been keeping you away pretty good, huh?" she teased ""You've just been like training then I guess? Working?"
and soft grass in the moonlight♡—————————♡penned by WriteAboutRadish
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[Hazewish]

TRAVELER, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED (AND NOW YOU MUST GO) ⋆⁺₊⋆

Catfishpaw beams at her and it’s like a weight lifts off Hazepaw’s shoulders. Her voice washes over them like a ray of sunlight, like swimming in relief and sweetness. She’s not mad after all. It feels silly now: how could they ever believe Catfish would be anything but happy to see them? They’re best friends. They bump their head against her a little more firmly, purr kicking up in their chest as she mentions feeling… less bad than before. Circling her prone form, they take a close look at her injured leg and wince: there’s still blood gumming up her fur there, along with who knows what kind of medicinal paste. It doesn’t look as bad as it did coming out of the badger’s mouth, though, which is heartening.

She considers, for a moment, apologizing — but there are too many words there that she doesn't know how to distillate into pure meaning. It’s like she’s not sure of what she wants to say, whether she wants to apologize for not visiting, or for getting Catfish into this in the first place, or something else that she’s not aware of yet.

They’ll find a way to say all of that, eventually. But it will have to be a little longer before they find the right word. They hope Catfish doesn’t mind the wait.

At mention of work, she lets out a long sigh. ”Boring,” she bemoans. ”Lonely.” With Catfish out of commission, there’s no one to keep her company while she explores their territory. She thought it would be interesting to be on her own again, but mostly it just feels stressful and not as fun. Especially since there’s a whole part of the territory she can’t really go to now: the area surrounding the badger’s den, of course, but the part near where the loners settled as well. Even she isn’t so foolish as to go waltzing around outsiders all alone.

They curl up next to Catfish, careful not to jostle her as they seek the close contact they grew so used to — they hadn’t realized how used to leaning into her space they had gotten until they’d spent the night next to her empty nest for the first time in moons. And her teasing question didn’t go into deaf ears: they want her to know they’re here now, to make up for when they weren’t.

Jerking their chin at her, they ask, ”You?” with the same curious, lighthearted tone they use when asking Catfish about that day’s training. They doubt she has been doing anything besides sleeping and fielding her parents’ questions, but even that seems interesting after so much time apart.

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[Catfishleap]

'cause my girl's made of peaches♡—————————————————
Her green eyes stay glued to the cloudy apprentice as they evaluated the leg. It sat stiffly, but Catfish was starting to suspect it always would be at least a little bit like that, so it wasn't all that bad compared to what it once was. Right now though it was sort of fine. Which works, she was okay working with sort of fine. Actually she was quite used to it. "It will be like a big scar. Do you think it will make me look tough," she smiled "Girls like that right?" she softly joked.

She quietly laughs as her friend "rants" about their boring work, her eyes never leaving them. The idea of training, of working again, sounded pretty nice. Old tedious tasks were now fondly remembered, she wished she could go back to despising them. As much as she understood Hazepaw's frustrations she envied them. If only she could complain back about Pikesplash working her to hard. She hadn't even got to hear much about these new loners, it seemed gossip was hard to find in the medicine den. That's fine though, "Thank goodness, I was scared you might start preferring silence over my rambling." that was a fear she wasn't even quite aware she had. The idea that maybe her being away from Hazepaw would give them an epiphany, that space would make Haze not like, or want, her anymore.

But, she didn't really even know she feared that, and she sure as hell didn't register the idea at all when Hazepaw eventually settled next to her. What were fears to her when Haze was there. A content sigh left her and then it was her turn to start purring. For a moment it all felt right again. There was no incident, there was no pain, and there certainly wasn't any space between the two friends. She wanted to rest her head on their shoulder and fall asleep right there, finally having them there to guard against the nightmares. She held herself back though, why waste this visit sleeping? Instead she pondered Hazepaw's question of what she had been up too.

What had she been doing? "A lot, and I mean a lot, of talking to other cats. I've gotten to know some better that's for sure. Ravenpaw, Silverkit, Fernpaw... Troutpaw" she hesitated to list the last cat, she would hate to admit it but in the boredom of the medicine den it seemed easy to fall into a crush. Troutpaw was willing to chat with her from time to time, and well she was cute. It didn't feel right to admit that part to Hazepaw though. She couldn't say why, but she just sort of hoped the other cat wouldn't notice her hesitation, "What else?" she asked herself "Lots of sleeping." she paused "It's not always really restful though. Between my leg hurting I sometimes have nightmares and stuff." she ventured into vulnerability comfortably. Looking into Hazepaw's eyes, wanting to say that it was also harder to sleep without them but not having the guts to say it. Why did it have to be so hard to convey her wants? Probably had to do with her parents, it always did. "Oh, and of course my parents have been in and out. They really have it out for you by the way, I would stay clear of them. I get an earful about how irresponsible you are every time their in here." It felt nice to rant about her parents behavior again, she had figured that Ravenpaw wouldn't really care for the interpersonal relationships of her life so they had just sat with her. Waiting for old ears to come and hear them.
and soft grass in the moonlight♡—————————♡penned by WriteAboutRadish
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[Hazewish]

TRAVELER, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED (AND NOW YOU MUST GO) ⋆⁺₊⋆

Ah, yes, this is more like it: Catfish and her, flanks pressed together, whispering in the dark. Hazepaw leans against Catfish’s side more firmly, purring continuously in answer to her friend’s own rumbling. She smiles and nods at the mention of girls liking scars, agreeing before she’s registered the fact that Catfish is growing more comfortable with that secret they share, and then her smile grows some more. It’s true though. She’s not sure how much ‘girl’ applies to her, personally, but she does think Catfish’s scar looks kickass.

I was scared you might start preferring silence over my rambling. Hazepaw pushes their head against Catfishpaw, gently, a nudge that’s meant to convey the eyeroll that she couldn’t see with the way they’re pressed together. ”Never.” They say it firmly, but not vehemently: it feels too silly to be entirely sincere on Catfish’s part. Like, come on, how could they prefer anything to her rambling? They love her voice and her company. She’s their best friend. And she likes talking, so being tired of that would be like… getting tired of her, and Hazepaw can’t really imagine that happening. They should have come by more: they truly did miss her voice very much, the easy outpour of words and instinctive understanding of what little Hazepaw says in response.

Fortunately it seems others came by to keep her company when Hazepaw could not. It’s so weird to hear about Catfish talking to other cats: usually Haze would know, because they would have been here, because they’re never apart. They don’t know how to feel about it. They don’t know how to feel about that slight hesitation before mentioning Troutpaw, especially: it feels weird, and uncomfortable, a tightening in their stomach that makes them hesitate in return, wondering briefly if maybe Catfish would prefer to have Troutpaw there rather than Haze. But that’s absurd: she’s purring right now. That anxiety feels alien, and bad, and they straighten up and shake their head in an effort to get rid of it.

She gives Catfish’s ruff a quick lick to justify her abrupt change of position, as if she’d just noticed a strand of fur that didn’t sit right and nothing else. At the mention of pain, that half-assed grooming turns into a slight nudge of her nose in Catfishpaw’s shoulder before she meets her friend’s eyes. ”Stay tonight,” she states, brooking no argument. She may not be able to help with the pain, but she can always shake Catfish awake when she has nightmares, or they can talk when she cannot sleep: unlike other apprentices, Hazepaw doesn’t much care if her mentor cannot find her in her den in the morning.

(They’d like to see Troutpaw do that.)

And when the subject of Catfish’s parents comes up, she follows it up with a frankly unimpressed expression. They think she’s irresponsible? Let them. Too late to complain: they should have concerned themselves over their daughter’s relations sooner. She’s her friend now and they can go take a walk about it. Dredging a few more words out of their outrage, she says mulishly: ”Send my mom.”

Either of Hazepaw’s parents is twice as cool as both of Catfish’s together, and they’re sure Poppysplash and Willowroot would both be delighted to dote on the colorful molly. Poppy might even glare at her parents some and dare them to say anything, which would be great. ”Love you,” they add with feeling, knowing it to be true even without asking their moms. Knowing them, it would only take a day before they’d start to call Catfish their daughter as well.

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