sensitive topics a job that slowly kills you ( crappie )

[koispots]

She stands at the river, a river she knows so well, so well after what had happened a couple moonrises ago. Its silent, so silent that she could hear her own heart beat within her chest, staring in to the icy depths in the moonlight. It glints off the laps of the water but it feels off, and it is off, because the more she stares the more she sees the lifeless face of Peachpaw stare at her from under the water but she just can’t, can’t rip herself away from the reflection. The eyes, they no longer shine, half-shut, and the lips are tinted blue with the lack of oxygen, her fur stands on edge. The face, its morphing and she tears herself away, stepping back only to be met with something that made her scream. Its Crappie, he’s stuck under the water and they’re flailing to no avail and Koi’s throat is hoarse as she surges forwards. The water is like ice around her, nearly paralyzing her but she fights to reach her paws out to his, to grasp on but the tips of her paws only brush against theirs. Their face is contorted in fear, anger and she floats there as she watches in horror as the depths grapple them down further- Crappie disappears.

She searches, and she searches, but she needs air first and as she swims to the surface there are two paws that plant themselves firmly on her shoulders. Its a realization that the murderer came back, they’re gonna get her and Crappie next and shes fighting for her life trying to get up, but shes sinking deeper and deeper and the black edges her vision and her lungs, they’re screaming and burning and-

She wakes with a sob, eyes wide and crazed as she takes in desperate gasps of air as if she were actually under the water. She stills feels the water lapping around her pelt, the fear, she shakes and begins to cry, tears flowing like they never have before. She fights to get up on to her paws, to stand because her nest just doesn’t feel safe anymore.

They could come back at any time, the murderer. They could come back, they were gonna come back, they’ll kill everybody, they’ll hurt her and her friend.

Shes done a lot of stumbling lately and nearly trips over a sleeping body through the haze of her tears, uttering a squeak as she searches for the tortoiseshell body of Crappie. She finds them, hones in on them and as soon as she gets there she curls up, shaking, knows she’ll probably wake him but she doesn’t care, she can’t lose him, not her friend, not her friend. She places her chin on to his shoulder, weeping silently, its too much, Peachpaw shouldn’t have died, it wasn’t fair, wasn’t fair.

Life wasn’t fair. Just please don’t take my friend away from me. Shes lost too much, too much.​

"speech"​

 

[CRAPPIEPATCH]

Crappiepaw’s sleep is fitful. They are sleeping in the apprentices’ den tonight instead of in the medicine den. They would blame it on Beesong being horrible company, but that’s not true; they’re afraid of being on their own. After witnessing a fellow apprentice lying in the river, freshly dead, they’ve found themself clinging to the presence of others around them.

Their dreams come in flashes, scenes of blood and death and unnameable things. A creative mind is an asset when awake, but in sleep it seems to only create nightmares. They’ve just drifted off again after the last one when they feel something warm and soft and trembling press against their side.

Crappiepaw jolts at the touch, pure panic shooting like ice water through their veins—the killer has decided to come back and they’re the next victim—but when they glance to their side there is only a familiar pelt of white, orange, and black. "Koipaw…?" They rasp, blinking rapidly to clear their sleep-blurred vision. What are you doing here, he almost asks, but catches himself. She’s probably in his nest for the same reason he is shaking. She’d been there too, seen the horrible sight right alongside him.

Crappiepaw stares at Koipaw for a few long moments, unsure how he can comfort his friend. He wants to say that it’s okay, but it’s really not. "We’re safe," they finally manage to croak out, tilting their face down until their nose is pressed into the she-cat’s fur.
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[ FORTUNE LOVES THE BOLD ]​

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[koispots]

It's all she needs to ground herself, the sound of their voice rumbling in her chest. Shes grounded, but the tears flow with a fresh stream, paws coming to rest gently on theirs. She can't stop crying, Peachpaw was barely older than them by a few months, what if it had been them that had been out? She feels her world spin as she recalls her dream, the terrified face, maw propped open in a frozen scream, dragged to the depths. She feels the chill run deep in to her bones, nestle in her chest, she wants to throw up.

We're safe. She wishes she could believe him, she wishes and hopes that eventually she can. She doesn't have friends besides Darkpaw and Crappiepaw, the latter with whom she feels she was closer to, and if she had lost him... We're safe. She repeats his words over and over in her head like clockwork because if she doesn't then she'll forget it, forget his voice and they'll be just another body in the river.

"They're- He's-" the words catch in her throat and she forces herself to count to five in her head, ground herself once more. Their nose is buried in her fur, they're safe, they're fine, she lets some of the tension out of her shoulders, letting herself relax in to them. "He's still out there. Somewhere. Waiting." hushed, strained, hoarse, shes terrified to be quite honest. When she had first stumbled upon Riverclan, it had been a sanctuary, but now she doesn't even feel safe in her nest.

"Please- Please don't leave me." tumbles out like a waterfall, she can't bear to lose him, not to the murderer. Selfish, she's being selfish, shes- another choked sob, shes trying so hard not to completely crumble. She's strong, she's had to be strong her whole life, had to be strong for her brothers, for her mother. Now she has to be strong for Crappie, but shes breaking, breaking, faltering under the pressure to be perfect.

He's shaking, just like her, brings her back as the tears wet her cheek. Deep breaths. Riverclan is drowning, she wants to run away but shes planted her paws too far deep in to the mud to leave, and she has never been a quitter. Eyes wander back to Crappie and theres a long drawn out sigh that leaves her mouth. Possessive, she can't lose the last thing she has, but freedom, its something she needs to learn to give, to feel herself. Unchained by her past sorrows, its what she needs to work on.

Her best friend. Her best friend. Her friend, her friend. Her change in demeanor is solemn, silent, but the tears still come, they don't stop, they never do. "Do you think... think they'll catch him?" Starclan is an iffy thing in her book, she has not seen it in motion, has not seen what they have done, have not given her a reason to believe. She wants to speak more, but shes relishing the warmth that he brings and a heavy breath is the final noise that leaves her, slumping further in to their side.

We're safe. She chooses to believe him.​

"speech"​