AITA For Getting Pissed That My Co-Worker/(Friend??) Almost Died? SILVERSMOKE

[Johnnyflame]

MY WORLDS ON FIRE, HOW 'BOUT YOURS?
THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT AND I NEVER GET BORED."​

---

Just go in, ye damn coward! Johnny growled to himself, knowing full well he was acting like a fool. Every cat in the clan could see him hesitating, and it wasn't exactly a light he enjoyed being seen in. The bobtail wasn't known for second-guessing himself like this, and the fact that he was no doing it so openly was putting him on edge. Why was this so hard? He'd walked into the medicine cats den dozens of other times for cats he'd spoken to less, and this shouldn't be any different.

So why had he been pacing out here for the last five minutes like some kind of damn lurker?

He knew the answer, he just didn't like it. Fear ranked right up there with doubt when it came to things Johnnyflame hated admitting to, after all. But that's what it was, wasn't it? He was nervous, afraid that his presence would be altogether unwanted. Silversmoke had said as much once before, when they talked about recovery time before. The two leads were seemingly on the opposite end of the spectrum when it came to how they liked to spend their time getting better, one preferring isolation while the other went crazy from it.

But does he really like being alone, or is that just what he thinks he deserves?

Stupid Silversmoke and his stupid thought process. Ever since the medicine cats had confirmed the tom wasn't in immediate fear of dying, Johnny had been itching to go and visit them. The only thing holding him back was the likelihood of an argument he didn't want to have.

"'If I can't heal on my own then I don't deserve my life'- stupid cat. He better be takin' whatever the medics been shoving at him or I'm gonna hang him from Tallpine by his tail!" he huffed to himself as he continued to pace, his usual grin replaced by an annoyed scowl. He'd been in a mood ever since the incident at the Rockpile. He wanted to tear through every damn snake in the country even though the one responsible was long dead, just as he'd wanted to visit the surly silver tomcat recovering in Dawnglares den to make sure they were treating themselves right.

He couldn't tell yet if the impulses were reasonable or not, but he knew his mood wasn't going to improve unless he actually did something about it.

So, he turned and stomped his way over to the freshkill pile, snatched a fresh squirrel off the top, and then marched back over to the medicine cats den. This time however, instead of huffing and pacing out front of it while muttering to himself, he marched his ass over to the entrance and poked his head inside. He was fairly certain nobody had brought the other prey in a while, so his first order of business (side from making sure the other was still breathing) was going to be to force this squirrel down their throat so they could actually keep up their strength.

@SILVERSMOKE

---

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[SILVERSMOKE]

Few visitors had come specifically to visit the spotted tabby, something he'd found comfort in when he considered how pitiful he must've looked nearly fainting over a bite that hadn't killed him. The idea of opening himself up to easier conversations had only formed in his nest within the medicine cat's den and did not yet apply to the embarrassment he felt having all those cats dote on him at the scene of the attack. With Dawnglare's ramblings suspended during his tenure to ThunderClan and Fireflypaw busy elsewhere, the spotted tabby had become rather isolated in the den as of late, and using that time to rest free of the smells and sounds of the warrior's den had become an eden despite his predicament. Something outside had stopped him from committing to another slumber, however, and that was the sound of steps going back and forth outside. They were so erratic that the tom had feared it to be a predator at first, trying to determine whether its quarry was diseased or if the medicinal smell coming from his fur had another source. Though he did not sneak a peak at whoever sought to watch him, the tom had his guess lined up. Then, almost as soon as the pacing started, it stopped.

A single emerald eye opened, his heart buffering when it locked onto the yellow-eyed chimera staring back at him. He'd been right about whose pawsteps he had heard stomping about outside, but Silversmoke didn't know whether to be proud of his own perception or mortified that he could figure Johnnyflame out by sound alone. His head remained firmly planted upon his forepaws, his hind leg splayed out with whatever experimental poultices had been put on it to stop the poison. Too many cats had told him he was lucky, offering their reasons why the adder hadn't killed him: from it not wanting him dead, to StarClan intervention, from being too sleepy to make its bite count (though it still damned hurt). Silversmoke had accepted it with the bitter curtness of someone who couldn't escape it, but if the Daylight Warrior spoke about it, he would be sure to listen. Not knowing why he survived when others had died from such wounds was a poison in itself, one only a snake expert could answer - it was only a shame his feelings for such an adept had become complicated. Doing nothing had given him time to think, being given time to think made him realise he admired a lot of Johnnyflame's traits.

Strength and smarts all rolled up into one smiling buffoon whose taunts had become something endearing rather than irritating. Despite living with Twolegs, it was difficult not to like Johnnyflame more than he felt he could let on, perhaps because his trust in the other was more than he'd ever felt with another Daylight Warrior. The tom wouldn't leave SkyClan, it was safe to get close to him, safe to avoid the feeling of betrayal that could come with so many others. Before he lingered for too long pretending he could not see the other's features past the rays of light, Silversmoke suddenly shifted in his nest, broad strokes of his tail pushing away parts of his moss. "Do you mind? You're blocking out the sun." An invitation to come in or to leave, both with their advantages and disadvantages. Friendship demanded he stay, pride demanded he leave - with the squirrel in the other's maw, the Lead Warrior had suspicions about which one was more likely. His ears pinned back in an attempt to look offended at what he thought was a gift.

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[Johnnyflame]

MY WORLDS ON FIRE, HOW 'BOUT YOURS?
THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT AND I NEVER GET BORED."​

---

From the entrance, Johnny caught sight of his fellow lead pretty quickly- they were the only other cat in the den right now, which Silversmoke was likely grateful for. The large silver cat lay in his nest with the affected leg sprawled out and slathered with an herb poultice, and Johnny felt a small bit of tension leave him upon seeing the rise and fall of steady breaths marking the other as alive. And, if the single green eyes staring back at him was any indication- awake as well.

Johnny rolled his eyes in a mixture of annoyance and mirth, wandering farther in and dropping the prey outside the others nest. "Oh aye, I wouldn't want to interrupt your sunbathing. I suppose your delicate old bones need all the warmth they can get." he teased, though made sure to place himself well out of the way of any sunbeams that might be able to reach the other.

Was he cold? And was it because of the snake bite? Anxious eyes shifted again to the poultice, absent-mindedly pushing the squirrel toward them. Things got cold when death was upon them... but Silversmoke didn't look like he was on the verge of death.

"Eat this." he said, finally tearing his gaze away from the medicine-damp fur and nodding toward the prey. "Fireflypaw says your getting better but you still need to keep up your strength. " he tried to keep his tone light, offering a tight smile.

Don't start a fight. he warned himself. Johnny wasn't even entirely sure exactly what he was mad about. Dozens of little things that coalesced into something bigger and uncertain. Too much of a melting pot for him to ever blame it in one thing alone. He knew that Silversmoke -despite being the center of these feelings- wasn't at fault for any of it though, and so he did his best to keep it in check so it didn't show.

"On the bright side, your not missing much- things have been pretty quiet lately. No trouble on the border patrols, and I've been clearing what I can over at the rockpile to lessen the chances of someone else getting bit."

---

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[SILVERSMOKE]

"My bones?" He scoffed and rolled his eyes, almost good-natured, save for the sharpness of his tone that seemed natural more than spiteful. "I heard yours creaking from two foxlengths away. You couldn't sneak up on a shrew with those things rattling about." He blinked rapidly as the sunlight warmed his face once more, the blues and silvers of his fur brightening from the intrusion. It had been a joke at first, delivered so flatly Johnnyflame must've thought it true, but the outside world had become something of an old friend to the tom, and though he blamed it on the heat, there was a subtle flutter in his heart to being reunited with it. His leave from the medicine cat's den couldn't come soon enough, too often did he long to do his duty that he was tempted to leave early just so he could patrol. If Fireflypaw wouldn't have his head for such rebellion, then Johnnyflame would. Eyes met Johnnyflame's and found nervousness within them, if the snake expert was worried, then Silversmoke figured he was not in the clear just yet. He swallowed the budding lump within his throat and gawked down at the squirrel as if it'd offended him.

A white paw reached out towards it, prodding it tentatively. "I'll... eat later," he decided as if his pride forbade him from eating food delivered to him rather than the food he'd earned. Part of clanlife was caring for the sick when they could not care for themselves, something he'd long since accepted and encouraged, but... when it came to one's own sickness, it felt different. Silversmoke knew it was selfish to consider himself an exception to anything, but rogueish individualism had not fully left him, no matter how hard he fought against it. So often he'd claimed to want to die for his clan, only to regret putting himself in harm's way the moment someone's life was on the line. So often he'd claimed not to get involved in other clan's politics, only to feel disgust and anger at things that didn't concern SkyClan at all. The Lead Warrior pulled the squirrel closer to himself, hoping the smell of fresh prey would bring him a sense of normalcy that being left alone with his thoughts did not provide. 'So often I've claimed to not trust Daylight Warriors yet here I am, befriending one. Stars I'm a hypocrite.'

Ears flattened at the mention of the rockpile, sheepishly grateful for Johnnyflame's excursions. The silence was so heavy that Silversmoke swore he could feel it pressing down on his shoulders, gratitude a vulnerability seldom explored by one content to work alone. His eyes never left the chimera, as if trying to deduce how he should feel and what he should say - before he concluded his brooding, the words slipped out of his mouth. "Look, I'm..." 'What am I saying?' "Sorry, for being rude about you being a Daylight Warrior. So many of them leave SkyClan that it's hard to want to get to know them and... I dunno, I guess I thought cats should only be loyal to one thing, but I... guess I'm starting to realise it's not always that simple." Cats, whether they realised it or not, seemed to have multiple souls, one for each thing they were dedicated to. Blazestar had had two loyalties, one to SkyClan and one to his family. Daylight Warriors had two loyalties, one to their Twolegs and one to their Clan. Having just one soul seemed easier, preferable even, but he supposed the others would call it lonely, empty even.

He shifted his weight, flinching as the cobwebs rubbed against his thigh. The snake's fangs would scar his leg, but better a scar than death. Still, with the possibility still lingering in his head, he decided against leaving things unspoken. "I can't imagine a SkyClan without you, so don't go dying snake-killer, ok?" Ears grew hot with embarrassment, hopefully, such sentiments would not keep him up at night when it was time to sleep in his own nest.

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[Johnnyflame]

MY WORLDS ON FIRE, HOW 'BOUT YOURS?
THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT AND I NEVER GET BORED."​

---

Later. Johnny's lip curled in a disapproval at the word, already knowing what was going through the other cat's mind. Probably thinking about how much he didn’t deserve it since he hadn’t been able to catch it himself or something stupid like that. The bobtail had half a mind to cuff them right then and there for being so stubborn, and had the silver lead not still been recovering from a snakebite Johnny just might have dont it.

”Tsk. Don’t be so stubborn.” he chided instead, ”Your body needs the fuel after burning through that poison.”

There were plenty of cats who’d found themselves in the medicine cats den in the year that Johnny had been with Skyclan, but he wasn’t sure if he’d felt such a clear need for someone to just get better. And wasn’t that an irony, after the beginning they’d had? While the chimera would have never wished for a clanmate to die -even one that had apparently hated him like Silversmoke had- he couldn’t imagine sitting nest-side while the other recovered, eager to see them well,

And apparently, his feelings weren’t the only ones that’d changed.

”You- ! I don’t-!” He found himself tripping over his own words, clearly flustered by the sudden admission. He knew their overall relationship as clanmates had been improving lately, but he never would have expected it to be Silversmoke to say it out loud. ” I’m trying to be mad at you over here. How am I meant to do that when you're saying something sweet like that, you great oaf?” he huffed in faux annoyance as he reached out to lightly shove at their shoulder, but there was no mistaking the matching red that tinged their ears, or the fact that they were now fighting off the beginnings of a very pleased smirk.

”Thank you, I appreciate that. And you know I feel the same way, right? Skyclan would be emptier without you in it and I'm sorry for ever thinking you weren't worth befriending, Silversmoke- you're an amazing cat, and I would have never forgiven Starclan if they’d taken you from that snakebite.” One who deserved a lot more than they allowed themselves. ”That’s why you need to let us take care of you, and eat when someone brings you food.”

He scolded lightly, any real heat having faded under the light of the larger toms- confession? Stars, why did that word make his ears even redder?

”For what it’s worth though, you're not wrong.” he added after a moment, tone a bit more serious. ”Most daylight warriors don’t last long. And it does suck when they don’t come back.” he couldn’t help but think of Hazelbeam and their sick twoleg. He might never see her again if their paths didn’t cross in twoleg place. That was the trade off though; an extra set of paws, eyes, claws, and teeth, but one that might not come back. And yet, wasn't that every cats eventual destiny, be they kittypet or clan cat- to never come back? ”That won't happen with me though- I'll never quit Skyclan. I love this place; I love the forest, I love the cats, I love sitting here chatting your ear off. It's home.”

It’s safe, he wanted to say, I’m safe.

He shifted where he sat, wondering how his former rival?-enemy? was the one he found his self-control most tested by. Any other cat and Johnny would be in their nest grooming them by now, and yet he was very much aware of the weight in those boulder-like paws of his clanmate. As much as he was tempted to show them some kind of comfort or affection beyond just words, he was pretty confident he’d be swatted right out of the medicine cats den if he did.

---

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[SILVERSMOKE]

"I'm not being stubborn," he protested, unwittingly sounding less like a Lead Warrior and more like an apprentice. "I said I'll eat later, I'm not going to die if I wait until you're gone." Though, with how long the chimera might end up staying, the tom may end up starving in no time. It was Silversmoke who had ignited a conversation that would keep the other around, if asked, it would be so he didn't have to consume the squirrel for even longer, in actuality, it was to remove the grievous weight upon his chest. Johnnyflame stumbled and the spotted tom regretted being unable to move from his nest, adamant that he'd rather be buried in a large hole than realise how his admittance affected the other. Sun-hot ears flattened at Johnny's rebuttal, the playful shove to his shoulder causing an eye roll amidst the embarrassment. "Shut it, I'm not being sweet. I'm just being... I'm just trying to do right, there's nothing sweet about it." There was a certain vulnerability to 'sweet' that the well-described stubborn oaf could not abide by, finding it had been too long since he'd let someone call him that, too long since he'd known what it meant to be sweet... was it coincidence, then, that Johnnyflame looked like the cat that swallowed the canary?

Eyes briefly narrowed in suspicion, wondering what StarClan-awful words would come out of the chimera's mouth (teasing, teasing and more teasing, surely), before Johnnyflame returned the sentimental favour. He blinked rapidly, letting the words sink in more than he'd ever let the adder's fangs do the same. There was another blink and Silversmoke noticed his vision was blurrier, his eyes stung as if whipped by the wind. It was confusing, confusing enough for his tail to lash and for his head to spin towards the snakebite in fear it had flared - nothing had changed within the cobwebs, and his heart had been racing enough that he likely wouldn't notice a turn even if he tried. Johnny spoke of truths of Daylight Warriors and Silversmoke silently nodded along, distant in the baffled world he found himself in. "Still, to reject someone out of fear they'd leave, it's not healthy. Maybe I'm not wrong, but the way I went about it was," he huffed, hiding his face. The Lead Warrior blinked and the scar tissue upon his face grew moist. 'Are these... my tears?' He swiped a tongue along his paw and hurriedly swiped at his cheek, doing his best to conceal them before he turned back around. 'When was the last time I cried?'

Twenty-eight moons ago. Before then it had been a daily occurrence, from a sibling playing too rough to something in the outside world that had seemed too scary for a young kitten. In a tough word, such emotions hadn't been possible, but within the confounds of the den he was sure he'd grow to hate the longer he was stuck, there was safety. A different safety to what Johnnyflame felt, but safety all the same. Silversmoke's slight sniffle indicated a reaction to the squirrel tail pressed against his nose moments before (and totally nothing else), listening now with his full attention to what the other had to say.

He waited for Johnnyflame to finish listing his loves... and kept on waiting until the silence had lasted too long and Silversmoke realised the other had nothing else to say. The tom recoiled into his nest somewhat, his ears twitching in disappointment, his gaze averting out of shame for such disappointment. As uncomfortable as the air had become, he didn't want the chimera to leave, but vocalising now felt like an impossible task sent by StarClan to humble him. A good fighter could always adapt, social battles were seldom ones he could win, yet, pawing at the dead squirrel, an idea formed somewhere between the thoughts racing in his head. "You must be hungry too, using up all those thinking muscles for once," he huffed, a faint trace of a smirk on his muzzle. "Eat with me, that way, it won't be charity, it'll just be... I dunno, normal SkyClan bonding." Not normal in the slightest when it came to interactions between the two toms, but normal by SkyClan's standards - hopefully, that would be enough to wade off the guilt of accepting prey he hadn't worked for.



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[Johnnyflame]

MY WORLDS ON FIRE, HOW 'BOUT YOURS?
THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT AND I NEVER GET BORED."​

---

Tch, not being sweet his tail- well, if he’d been born with one that it. Still, he didn’t buy it for a second. Silversmoke was a very sweet cat- he’d indulged Johnny with his bouncy-ball, had walked him back to camp the day he’d gone to the vet, and now he was apologizing for being an ass and telling him not to die out there. He was just.. Sweet like a beehive was sweet; in a very sharp, potentially stingy way. You had to be willing to take a few hits in order to get to the good stuff hidden away inside, but Johnny had always had thick skin.

Besides, bees weren’t always aggressive. Sometimes, you could go right in and take the whole hive…

The idea that they were truly friends now was an exciting one to Johnny, who until that exact moment hadn’t been sure just what the other lead thought of him. He’d obviously known that things were improving simply because the last several interactions hadn’t devolved into hissing and spitting, but the odd-eyed tomcat wasn’t exactly one to voice his feelings on the regular. This, Johnny knew, was an exception to Silversmokes usual rules, and he was quite pleased to find himself as the reason behind it. And so if he noticed as the silver tabby hid his face and sniffled once or twice, he didn’t mention it or draw attention in any way.

So the silence sat.

”You must be hungry too, using up all those thinking muscles for once.”

The offer to eat together was unexpected. Not only was it something they didn’t do and not only had Silversmoke blatantly stated a willingness to bond with him over a meal, but it was well known among the regulars that Johnny didn’t eat anything that was caught for skyclan. A large breakfast at dawn, and a large dinner at dusk. If he was feeling peckish during the day he’d take a patrol or hunting party out near twolegplace and quickly pop home for a bite to eat, a benefit of his folks nest being so close to their border. That is, if he didn’t just bring a snack to stash in his nest for later. Taking from the Skyclanners when he had plenty of food easily gained at home had always left him with a bitter taste in his mouth, like he was stealing something he didn’t even need. Guilt, he supposed, which is why he rarely ate anything meant for the kill pile.

But he could make an exception for Silversmoke, shouldering a bit of that guilt himself.

”Unfair. Making me eat clan prey because you know I can’t say no to ‘normal Skyclan bonding’.” he complained playfully, already shuffling a bit closer so they could more easily share the meal. In reality, it was a no brainer. Of course he could stomach a bit of guilt if it meant helping the injured cat get over whatever mental block was keeping them from just accepting the meal on their own. ”Has Fireflypaw mentioned when you’ll be cleared for work again? Bet you’ve already decided on what your gonna do first once your out.” he chuckled.

Meticulous as he was, Johnny wouldn’t be surprised in the least if Silversmoke already had a detailed list the length of his tail on exactly what he was going to do and in what order once he was allowed out again.

---

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[SILVERSMOKE]

When his emotional state was not mentioned, and Silversmoke thought he had gotten away with it, he properly turned his head towards the Lead Warrior, squinting. "Why are you so irritating?" He huffed, unoffended, save for his own poor wording that landed him such teasing to begin with. "I can kick you out if that's what you'd prefer. It's hardly eating our prey, it's just taking a bite of what was meant for me." That... didn't sound any better, in fact, he could picture it making Johnnyflame's guilt worse. His tail lashed up a storm within his nest, ears flicking as if madly swatting away a fly. Johnnyflame or no, had it been another's prey, he doubted he'd have been as liberal with who got to consume it. Unlike many within the forest, there was an admirable healthiness to Johnnyflame's coat and build. Though the other would never know starvation, he still bore the scars of a wildcat. Johnnyflame was a SkyClanner, and a damn admirable one at that. Just... one that didn't need to eat caught food, most of the time.

"Whatever, it was a dumb argument anyways. Just... eat with me." And, Johnnyflame did, settled a distance away that was not quite comfortable, not quite uncomfortable. After Johnnyflame had pretended he was cold last leafbare, he knew what the other's fur felt like, short and soft like sheared wool. This time, he wanted to feel it of his own volition, to appreciate how well-cared for the Daylight Warrior was. But his awkward body did not budge from its nest, and, whenever the idea of getting close entered his head, he pushed it down with a bite of warm squirrel. It took a moment to register Johnnyflame's words, when he did, he was eager too answer. 'Too eager? Was I too eager? Ugh, all he's done is forgive me and bring me food and... tell me SkyClan wouldn't be the same without me. Eggshell could do the same and I doubt I'd feel this weird.'

"A half-moon, at worst. The bite wasn't that bad, just painful. It was like my whole leg was on fire." A feeling he'd not soon forget, a reminder of how awful it would have been had he been met with a more alert adder. There were plenty of reasons he had survived the encounter, all of them being luck was a shame he couldn't admit. Too much of his life had relied on earning what he had to be comfortable knowing that it was coincidence, not his own strength, that made the snake's fangs miss his veins. Silversmoke, again, missing the humour behind Johnnyflame's statement, jumped at the opportunity to explain his schedule. If heartfelt apologies and surly dismissals of prey weren't enough to promise the other that he would live, then the passion of which he spoke of his ideas would. "Yes, actually. I need to train, I can't allow any weakness in that limb, it opens up too many vulnerabilities for my enemies to exploit." A bad eye on one side, a lame leg on the other - there was only so much the Lead Warrior could pirouette around in battle before he ran out of dances to protect his weakpoints.

"Climbing will help the back leg remember its job, maybe I will ask one of the warriors to let me push them about for a little bit. After that, I'll catch up on hunting, too many birds have been wasted feeding me back to health." Tufted ears twitched at his own words and he snuck a glance towards the chimera, recalling a time when he'd been uncomfortable with such sentiment. Talking about it had felt as natural as breathing to the pragmatic tom, now, he paused, uncertain if 'wasted' was the right word. It still did not feel right, being a burden on resources, but it was never an issue he'd found with others who'd been injured. They were heroes, protecting their clan from danger, or, they were idiots who'd done something utterly mousebrained - either way, they deserved food and shelter even when they couldn't contribute... so why didn't he? The idea that it was some sort of self-loathing was a new idea, and an unpleasant one. "Were you ever told why I joined SkyClan?" He doubted Johnnyflame knew, even if the closest thing he had to kin, Crowpaw, knew little of Silversmoke outside his role as a Lead Warrior. But, perhaps the Daylight Warrior was due an explanation.
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