private all she is and ever was is compromised // confrontation

Periwinklebreeze. · Mar 12, 2023

In the aftermath of all that has happened, clear blue eyes are heavy and pained as they peer into hazel, his round face gaunt and sickly with exhaustion. all the life has been drained from him after the events of the last few days.

everything hurts so much - all the time. it's not just a physical pain lingering from his reccent injuries nor his scars - it's an all encompasing emotional turmoil too. he knows he's broken and useless and that he doesn't fit in, but he's trying so hard to change that. he thought gravelpaw knew that - thought they were friends.

"d-d-do you really th-think i don't belong-g-g-g in wind-clan?"

its always been this way, hasn't it? life's never been fair. one lashes out and starts a fight over nothing and get put into hardly more than a timeout, while another can be entirely justified in their anger and be exiled. you can dedicate your whole life to windclan and be banished the next for something that was never your fault to begin with. they're all just puppets with their queen tugging at their strings, tossed about at the mercy of her whims. he knows this, they know this.

but he'd really thought that he'd made some friends - that he was proving himself, showing that he belonged. he'd never once spoken out against sootstar, never once been disloyal. he'd been all for the raid, he'd even sat by and watched as his family was torn to shreds by their leaders decisions. and yet is seemed none of that mattered - kids were branded by their parents actions, inescapable. he would always be the child of traitors, would always be seen as weak for the things he could not help even after changing what he could. he stands up for himself, for his friends, and yet he's still somehow weak.

It hurts.

"its n-n-not my f-fault starclan m-m-made me this way! i kn-n-now i can't t-talk right, and i c-c-c-can't sleep right, and i g-g-g-g....get sick t-to easily! but i'm trying!" the words that slips past his lips sound pathetic to his own ears, hurt and pained and utterly defeated. he just wants to understand - wants to be understood. is that so wrong?

"i can't st-stand the s-sight of blood, can't st-st-stand the thought of hur-ting or k-k-kkilling s-someone - but i'm t-trying t-to learn! i'm t-t-training every day! and its n-n-not like i'm the only one st-st-strug-gling!" why doesn't anyone see? why don't they care? he doesn't mean to say as much as he does, but it comes pouring out - tumbling out without any thought. all the things he could not fully confide in his parents, in his siblings, in vulturemask or dustpaw or snailpaw, it all comes spilling out.

"why is it s-so d-d-different when it's s-s-snail-paw!" he loves his friend, truly, but it doesn't make it hurt any less to see the way he is so effortlessly accepted by the other apprentices inspite of their similiar fualts. he jsut wants to know why.

Tears spill past his lashes, his slight figure trembling with held-back sobs and anxiety."... am i really so worth-less?"

// takes place immediately after this thread; apologies in advance for his dramatic ass;
@GRAVELPAW

GRAVELSNAP · Mar 12, 2023

A familiar feeling washes over them, drenching black-patched fur in anxiety. They have found themself speechless many times before, but this is an entirely different situation. Usually their anxiety is due to cats of other clans, external factors—this time, they’re faced with something much worse. Periwinklepaw. Guilt. Their mouth opens, shuts again, and they nervously work their jaw. They’re unused to being confronted for their actions, asked for the depths behind their words. Adderkit had challenged them physically—they can’t help but think that it would be much easier if Periwinklepaw had just challenged them to a fight. Or lunged at them, aggressive and bloodthirsty for what was surely the first time in his life.

"I…" They frown, taking in the sight of tear-laden lashes, expression crumpled. Devastated. Hazel eyes flit down, gaze heavy on their own broad paws. "You don’t belong in WindClan," they say finally, eyes narrowing. It’s as though they’re speaking to a kit, the stuttering and sniffling thing that Periwinklepaw is. They can’t help but to wrinkle their nose at theie tearful clanmate’s display, so utterly out of control of his emotions. Gravelpaw has always been good at controlling their tears, controlling everything that they can.

They can’t control Periwinklepaw. They can’t make the other apprentice suddenly okay with fighting, can’t make him suddenly grow a spine. But maybe he’ll get there himself; he isn’t defenseless, he fought back against Firefang. "You’re weak. And so are your friends." Their lip curls, thinking of the way that Periwinklepaw had stepped up to face Firefang in Dazzlepaw’s defense. How Azaleapaw had thrown herself beneath the weight of Firefang’s blame. Gravelpaw never knows where they stand with most of the clan. Never knows where they stand with their father, even.

Jealousy sinks heavy claws into their lungs, and they can’t contain the growl that they let out. They bare their teeth at the taller apprentice, tail lashing behind them. "You don’t belong in WindClan, yet you fit in. You have so many friends. What makes you deserve them?"

They don’t understand it—Periwinklepaw’s own mother abandoned her clan, joined RiverClan, labeled herself a conniving traitor. And yet Periwinklepaw remains, a WindClanner despite Hyacinthbreath’s betrayal. They have friends willing to draw a full-grown warrior’s ire in defense of one another. "You should be worthless. But you aren’t." They grit out their last sentence from between clenched teeth, lifting their head to meet Periwinklepaw’s eyes.

[ DEATH OF A DREAM ]

Periwinklebreeze. · Mar 16, 2023

The words stab through him, sharp and burning like a hot knife. Because its true - he does not belong. Never has. With the facts laid bare before him, he cannot disagree, cannot find fault with that logic. perhaps if it had come from a place if hatred, perhaps if it had been nothing but lies and resentment, maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much. His entire being seems to sag, all of the fight leaving him in a single breath. "tch." the noise that leaves his lips is pained. soft paws wipe at his face blindly, a hysterical noise somewhere between a sob and a laugh slowly rising from his chest. "hah... I know. I know. "

It is not really Gravelpaw he's mad at after all. It's himself.

With a sardonic smile on his maw head tips back as though in prayer, eyes unseeing as they stare blankly off into the sky overhead. ".. i know i d-dont b-belong. and y-yeah, i d-d-dont deserve them.... b-b-but im selfish. " there is a weightiness to his words, as though they bear the full weight of the burdens placed upon the boys shoulders. "th-thanks. " the words seem to come out of nowhere, as though a switch has been flipped.

"D-don't worry. I'll t-try harder," Theres something not right about the smile that flashes gravelpaws way - something not quite right about the look of pale blue eyes. But the tom simply turns away, retreating to the medicine den as though their conversation never happened - as though everything is fine.

// out

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private all she is and ever was is compromised // confrontation

Periwinklebreeze.

— atoms and low self-esteem ❀

GRAVELSNAP

PARTING SHOT

Periwinklebreeze.

— atoms and low self-esteem ❀