- Oct 27, 2022
- 22
- 1
- 1
The world feels still, not the present, past or future. In this little den under the moors…time feels as though it has stopped.
Devoid of its usual residents, it houses a mentor and her apprentice, consequences and the failure that caused them. Her eyes are still watery, fur on her cheeks struggling to decide whether to dry or freeze, clumping all the same. This, this was where Oliveshade spent most of her time now, beside Nettlepaw, where she should’ve been for the past three moons. If she was not bugging warriors to watch training, or helping Dandelionwish gather the herbs he needed to treat those ailing and wounded…she sat here, paw over Nettlepaw, eyes picking out patterns in the gorse along the walls.
Abandonment was something she was familiar with, something she accepted as inevitable. She built walls around herself after the death of her mother, the absence of her father, built them so high that they shrouded her in darkness. She pushed everyone away, kept them far from the reaches of her heart in hopes of protecting herself. But there were holes, there was light. In her haste, there were those who squeezed past layers of brick, those she did not want to admit had found residence in her fortress. For to acknowledge it, was to acknowledge that they would one day leave.
Oh yes, abandonment was something Oliveshade was used to. Theft…theft was brand new.
Her nose fills with the stench of iron and copper, of flesh and soon to be rot as she remembers that night. Nettlepaw dragged in by Spiritpaw and Galeforce, looking like he’d already become an empty, discarded vessel, blood streaking the camp like a horrid red carpet-
She shakes her head to clear herself of the memory, pulling the apprentice closer to her, to try and ground herself in the idea that not all was lost. ”I really….I really fucked up this time.” The molly whispers, feeling that pressure in her throat again as her eyes begin to water, tears winding their way down familiar streaks. ”Stars I fucked up.” She sits up on her haunches to push away the streams of salt, cynical laughter twisting around her throat like a snake. Its filled with hate, with sarcasm, it bubbles out of her in horrible broken spurts, echoing off the walls. ”I thought if I didn’t- I thought I was-” Selfish, selfish, selfish.
She was selfish.
”Things were supposed to be different! I wasn’t supposed to be your mentor!” The tears just keep coming, the laughter just keeps coming, and with it so does her fortress. ”I didn’t know what to do when they gave you to me, me of all cats! I thought if I just ignored you, got you reassigned then maybe, maybe I wouldn’t have a chance to be a horrible figure in your life but look at what happened! I was selfish and a coward, and you suffered because of it! Because of my actions!” She can hear her father nagging about making everything about her, can hear it clashing with Weaselclaw’s affirmations that she was the one who had led him to his fate.
”If I had just gotten over myself-If I had just tried maybe you wouldn’t’ve left- If-” If, if, if, all of these what ifs that did nothing. They didn’t heal Nettlepaw’s eye, didn’t heal his ear, didn’t heal the cuts on his face that would leave a forest of scars larger than she had ever attained herself. The guilt crushes itself on top of her and she can’t breathe, snot blocking her nose but never running, ears clogging with the pressure, sobs pummeling her lungs and she can’t stop. Gulping down air doesn’t help, she can’t calm down. She feels sicker and sicker as she keeps trying to breathe, collapsing forward back onto her paws.
”I-I’m So-orry, I’m so so sorr-y.” The words come through coughs as Oliveshade chokes on the drainage. ”I wish I could go back, I wish I could make this have never happened-” The warrior stops, trying to catch a breath that is not there. It eventually comes in shaking breaths, her entire body trembling against his. ”I promise. I promise I’ll do better. I’m going to make sure you never end up like this again.”
Her mind and body act as though she is alone, as though Nettlepaw's consciousness is still far from this realm. But its not.
Devoid of its usual residents, it houses a mentor and her apprentice, consequences and the failure that caused them. Her eyes are still watery, fur on her cheeks struggling to decide whether to dry or freeze, clumping all the same. This, this was where Oliveshade spent most of her time now, beside Nettlepaw, where she should’ve been for the past three moons. If she was not bugging warriors to watch training, or helping Dandelionwish gather the herbs he needed to treat those ailing and wounded…she sat here, paw over Nettlepaw, eyes picking out patterns in the gorse along the walls.
Abandonment was something she was familiar with, something she accepted as inevitable. She built walls around herself after the death of her mother, the absence of her father, built them so high that they shrouded her in darkness. She pushed everyone away, kept them far from the reaches of her heart in hopes of protecting herself. But there were holes, there was light. In her haste, there were those who squeezed past layers of brick, those she did not want to admit had found residence in her fortress. For to acknowledge it, was to acknowledge that they would one day leave.
Oh yes, abandonment was something Oliveshade was used to. Theft…theft was brand new.
Her nose fills with the stench of iron and copper, of flesh and soon to be rot as she remembers that night. Nettlepaw dragged in by Spiritpaw and Galeforce, looking like he’d already become an empty, discarded vessel, blood streaking the camp like a horrid red carpet-
She shakes her head to clear herself of the memory, pulling the apprentice closer to her, to try and ground herself in the idea that not all was lost. ”I really….I really fucked up this time.” The molly whispers, feeling that pressure in her throat again as her eyes begin to water, tears winding their way down familiar streaks. ”Stars I fucked up.” She sits up on her haunches to push away the streams of salt, cynical laughter twisting around her throat like a snake. Its filled with hate, with sarcasm, it bubbles out of her in horrible broken spurts, echoing off the walls. ”I thought if I didn’t- I thought I was-” Selfish, selfish, selfish.
She was selfish.
”Things were supposed to be different! I wasn’t supposed to be your mentor!” The tears just keep coming, the laughter just keeps coming, and with it so does her fortress. ”I didn’t know what to do when they gave you to me, me of all cats! I thought if I just ignored you, got you reassigned then maybe, maybe I wouldn’t have a chance to be a horrible figure in your life but look at what happened! I was selfish and a coward, and you suffered because of it! Because of my actions!” She can hear her father nagging about making everything about her, can hear it clashing with Weaselclaw’s affirmations that she was the one who had led him to his fate.
”If I had just gotten over myself-If I had just tried maybe you wouldn’t’ve left- If-” If, if, if, all of these what ifs that did nothing. They didn’t heal Nettlepaw’s eye, didn’t heal his ear, didn’t heal the cuts on his face that would leave a forest of scars larger than she had ever attained herself. The guilt crushes itself on top of her and she can’t breathe, snot blocking her nose but never running, ears clogging with the pressure, sobs pummeling her lungs and she can’t stop. Gulping down air doesn’t help, she can’t calm down. She feels sicker and sicker as she keeps trying to breathe, collapsing forward back onto her paws.
”I-I’m So-orry, I’m so so sorr-y.” The words come through coughs as Oliveshade chokes on the drainage. ”I wish I could go back, I wish I could make this have never happened-” The warrior stops, trying to catch a breath that is not there. It eventually comes in shaking breaths, her entire body trembling against his. ”I promise. I promise I’ll do better. I’m going to make sure you never end up like this again.”
Her mind and body act as though she is alone, as though Nettlepaw's consciousness is still far from this realm. But its not.
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