private all we got was bruised // thundergleam

[STORMYWING]

// @THUNDERGLEAM

The slivered moon hangs high overhead, casting a faint, silver light across the ravine. It's quiet now, the chaos of earlier finally settled, but Stormywing's heart hasn't stopped its relentless pounding. She's kept her distance from Thundergleam the last several hours, allowing her to be checked over by Gentlestorm, to be cleaned up and be given time to relax. But now that she sees her sitting where she always is, staring at the stars…she can't keep her paws from shuffling against the dying grass in her approach of her. She hadn't even realized how much she needed this - needed her, Thundergleam, even just for a moment to calm her nerves and worries. She needs to know she's okay. Even with the uncertainty and frustration still brewing deep within her, Thundergleam's safety matters more than anything else.

As she draws close, her eyes catch on the dried blood that still clings to her matted fur. She guesses no one has really sat down and given her a good, thorough clean yet. The sight tugs at her heart and for a brief second, her anger softens. "You still have blood on you." It's too blunt and she flattens her ears in sudden embarrassment. It's her father's blood. Quickly, she adds on, "I…I can help you clean up." She hates the tightness in her tone, the way her emotions have been coiled like springs ever since the realization earlier that day. She hates that any of this involved the one cat she cares about most.

"Come on…I know a spot." She tears her gaze away, nudging her shoulder to guide her towards the camp entrance. Looking at her only makes her more confused, so she keeps her eyes ahead. Her mind is already swirling with too many things at once…anger, confusion, worry. She doesn't want to toss in that added emotion of something else she's not ready to name, even in all its familiarity.
​

 

[THUNDERGLEAM]

Reality had ebbed back through slowly, finding settlement within her bones. It was not as sobering as she had hoped- the light of hindsight gave little clarity. Reverie soaked the memory of tearing her Father open ... of his name, Trufflepelt. Every passing thought swayed hand in hand with stupidity. How could she not have known? Not thought ever in her life to ask his name? Not felt some of his madness dripping venomous the moment she had been told to execute the cats she was supposed to be saving?

The stars glimmered cruelly for once. There was no kindness there for her, she was sure... their chosen saviour, a murderer. For all she had strived not to be a killer- for all they had helped her stray from that path and learn the Truth, she had done so anyway. And she had done so before Him, even. Listened so blindly. So willfully.

You still have blood on you. A sweet voice, despite its matter-of-factness. Thundergleam found nothing to say- she merely looked at Stormywing with sorrowful, doubtless-pathetic eyes. She hardly recognised herself - that Stormywing could find her in the midst of this tumult was something truly wonderful, was it not? And yet, she could not bask in the warmth of it. No, no- this sun was a blazing, burning thing that blistered her skin beneath wraith-pale fur, and she could not meet it. Could not meet her eyes, her eyes...

Wordlessly, Thundergleam nodded. Help her... and she deserved no help, truly, but would do what Stormywing wished if it would make her happy. A nudge of the shoulder, and she was roaming.

The silence was thin- as they walked, Thundergleam could feel its precariousness. I know a spot, Stormywing had said ... and as they began to halt, she murmured hoarsely, "Here?" Still, her pupils dodged Stormywing's, fearing her judgement. It was not difficult, though ... Stormywing did not seem to be looking at her, either.

"Do you hate me?" she asked, suddenly. In the bitter aftertaste of her words, Thundergleam grimaced. She should not have asked. But Father hated her as he had died, she was sure. If opinions could turn so easily... ​

penned by pin ☾​

 

[STORMYWING]

Her breath catches at Thundergleam's question. Hate her? The very thought sends a jolt through her, leaving her stunned for a moment as her paws pause against the frostbitten ground. How could she think that - how could she even ask? Stormywing's jaw tightens as a swell of emotions pushes up in her chest with a ferocity.

"I could never hate you," She finally manages, resolve finding her voice as she fights down the waver. She forces herself to look at Thundergleam, to really look, despite how it makes her heart twist. Those eyes, full of so much sorrow and self-doubt, pierce through her, and she wishes desperately she could wipe away the pain she sees there. She shifts closer, her tail flicking with restless energy.

Stormywing takes a shaky breath, her gaze softening. "You did what you had to. I just...I wish you hadn't had to do it at all." Her voice drops, and she gently nudges Thundergleam's shoulder with her own, as if to offer some kind of comfort. Her eyes drift to the sluggish stream at their feet, struggling to push aside the lingering anger and confusion. None of it matters as much as Thundergleam being safe. The rest, she tells herself, they can figure out together. But as she leans down to tear away moss and soaks it in the water, she can't help but finally let herself murmur, "You really didn't know…right?" She presses the moss to the albino's flank and begins to scrub as gently as she can, holding her breath for her answer. ​

 

[THUNDERGLEAM]

If she had strength within her to hate herself more, she would never have forgiven herself for the look on Stormywing's face in that moment- soft edges hardened, made pained by her, and oh- oh, she ruined it all, lay waste to every accomplishment at her murderous paws, by invoking this! Any pain to Stormywing's heart was a crime, it was ...

I could never. You did what you had to do. It was understanding she did not believe she deserved, and had not truly been expecting- it launched her into a quietness, stunning rosy eyes and ghostly form long enough for Stormywing to move close. Her breath jittered at the other molly's compassion- she closed her eyes against tears that threatened to mount again. No, she should be... be as strong as a bone, if her sorrow might make Stormywing mournful, too.

At the nudge of her shoulders- that little touch, Thundergleam shuddered but did not shy away. Selfishly, for but a moment she allowed herself to bask in her misery, to feel a sap-slow sprawl of sympathy trickle past her nerves and flatten some newly-sharpened edges. The cold struck her flesh, and Thundergleam sighed softly, eyes still closed- she felt the buzz of Stormywing's question, felt a resistance within her heart.

Brittle paws could not act upon it, though. She yielded easily. "I swear it, I did not..." and she did not know who to swear upon. Before, it would have been Father. "I never knew his name. He was Father to me only, he ensured it." Her tail twitched. Perhaps it had been intention, to mark her nothing but a follower with welded eyes, and not his daughter at all. "I was blind, I was... foolish. Howlingstar spoke to me about him, and- and I still did not realise."​

penned by pin ☾​

 

[STORMYWING]

She pauses in her bathing then, eyes fixed on the ivory of the pelt before her. Stormywing's heart wrenches as she listens to her soft voice, aware of every shiver, every twitch, and she hates how much this is all affecting Thundergleam. None of it should be on her shoulders. She blinks and refocuses on scrubbing the moss against Thundergleam's side, her touch gentle, trying to be as soothing as her words fail to be.

"You're not foolish." She doesn't let the words come out harshly, but there's an edge of fierceness she can't quite hide. She doesn't care what anyone else might say. Thundergleam had been deceived, pushed into a situation no one should ever find themselves in. It hurts, knowing how deeply she's blaming herself for something that's so far out of her control. She'd been attacked by her own father, for StarClan's sake! The tabby presses the moss against another streak of dried blood, her molten gaze dropping to the ground. "And…I believe you." Her voice softens, her earlier resolve giving way to something more vulnerable. She struggles to find the right words but she can't just say nothing. "You're not alone in this, you know. I won't let you be…You're still here with us - with me - and that's what matters." Holding her breath, she releases her hold on the moss and inclines her head upwards slightly, hesitantly. Nose tipped to the sky, she dares to reach and gently press it against Thundergleam's velvety ear. To her, the touch say all that her words can't. She cares about her more than she can say. She'll make sure she's okay. "We'll get through this," She murmurs, breath fluttering against the fur of her ear. "You have me. I'm not going anywhere."
​

 

[THUNDERGLEAM]

Against the ebb and flow of Stormywing's reassurance, Thundergleam let loose a mirthless laugh- she held something precious beside her, knew it to her very core, now. That trust- oh, she did not deserve it. Blind as she had been, she would have shattered it- she would never have been clean of the blood, then. No craning neck to wash it away, and guilt would have sprawled like pouncing poison, killing her slowly. Or maybe it might have numbed her, turned her into a callous thing no longer recognisable.

It did not matter, now. No raze had found Stormywing's stomach, none of her blood stained Thundergleam's paws forever. Was that not all that mattered? Relief washed through her at that trust- she could do nothing but stare at Stormywing for a few moments of silence, flooded with gratitude because of it, because of her.

With me. She believed she had heard it right- and the memory of a tearstained night found her again, where she had told Stormywing I want you here with me. That desire, it pulsed in her throat- to have, to hold, to keep. It was selfish, so terribly selfish, to want her here now. To... to need her at her side, washing away blood from body and mind. "I trust you are right." Thundergleam's words came quiet and quavering, but without any pretence, pulsing thickened in her throat.

A nose to her ear, and Thundergleam's eyes fluttered. She did not flinch, did not dare move. Something still felt as if it may teeter and break, though what it was she could not say for certain. But she dared to feel a sprawling warmth through her, subtle and twinkling. "I am sure..." she sighed, forever a shaky thing. No, she did not believe she would ever be free from this gripping, choking guilt, trusting implicitly what she was being given, and feeling too inherently wrong to take it. "I will need you here with me. I want you here..." Oh, and what was she saying?

Her lips trembled again. "My dear ... my dear friend," Hesitation, she choked on it. "You have kept me tethered, I am sure. You helped free me from him. You have aided me so much already, more than you know." It was true, it was true, she would never lie. ​

penned by pin ☾​

 

[STORMYWING]

Stormywing's eyes widen as Thundergleam speaks, the fragile tremble in her voice making something ache deep within her chest. Dear friend…it's not what she feels, but it's enough. Her heart stutters in it's relentless pace and she blinks, fighting back the unfamiliar burn at the corners of her eyes. She doesn't know what to say, not when her own feelings are swirling tumultuously, not when she's so afraid of admitting how desperately she wants the albino to lean on her, how deeply she needs to be the one keeping her steady.

I want you here. "Always," She replies in a low rasp. There's no hesitation as she shifts, pressing her side closer to Thundergleam's as if to ground her, and maybe herself too. She doesn't make a sound as the other speaks. She listens intently, hanging onto every word like it's what will keep her going until the next morning. And it's while she speaks that Stormywing looks at her, takes in every feature, every slope of her snout and angle of her ears. For the first time she lets herself acknowledge just how much this cat means to her. It's terrifying, the way her heart thunders like it has once done for Iciclefang, but she lets it happen anyway, doesn't shift or move away. If Thundergleam needed her - wanted her - then nothing else could possibly get in the way of that. Because she loves her. "You've kept me tethered too," She whispers, letting her muzzle graze against the other's shoulder fur in a fleeting, tentative touch. "And as long as you need me, I'll be here."

She'll say nothing of her feelings. For now, this promise is enough, she thinks. Maybe one day she can be more forward, but right now she is content to sit here with her, clean her fur, and watch the stars. She will be anything she needs her to be.
​