ALWAYS BY MY SIDE [ ✦ ] Granitepelt

[Starlingheart]

Starlingheart has done a terrible thing. She had the option to save Heavybranch and instead she had been selfish. In her eyes, she may as well had killed him. It is not this alone that makes her gut twist with guilt, however. It is the fact that when she looks back on what she had done that she does not feel regret. She would gladly give her son or any of her children whatever they needed. No matter the cost. But still, the idea brings shame to the forefront of her mind.

At night, she no longer has the presence of her mate to find comfort in, nor does she possess the ability to curl around two out of three of her kits. Even though Flintkit is addled by sickness she still sleeps with him. She was his mother, after all. Tonight though she finds she cannot sleep. Heavybranches eyes haunt her thoughts, staring vacantly at the sky. Dead because of a direct choice made by her.

Instead she finds herself slipping away under the cover of darkness into a mostly empty camp illuminated by soft moonlight and star shine. She stops just outside the entrance of her den, tilting her head upwards so that her eyes glimmer in the soft light. So entranced she is by silver-pelt, she does not notice the shadowed form moving towards her.

// @GRANITEPELT
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[GRANITEPELT]

“Starlingheart.”

He had watched her for a long stretch of time. Granitepelt had learned as a very young apprentice how much one could learn from sitting and observing what cats do when they believe no one is looking. Starlingheart had snuck from her nest, body stiff and eyes soft with unspent grief. There’s something that’s bothering her, a burr caught in her pelt she cannot shake.

Granitepelt wants to know what it is.

“You’re troubled." To himself, he thinks, Surely the death of that old fool can’t weigh that heavy on your shoulder. Shadowy green eyes rake over her small, slight frame, the exhaustion pooled in her pale eyes. “Here. Tell me what’s bothering you.” He brushes his nose against the soft fur at her throat. “I’m here for you. Always.”

✧ INFO.

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• 
  — granitekit . granitepaw . granitepelt
  — he/him ; warrior of shadowclan
  — heterosexual ; taken by Starlingheart
  — short-haired gray tom with white and green eyes
  — “speech”, thoughts, attack
  — penned by Marquette
  — chibi by Meg

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[Starlingheart]

She is torn from her troubled thoughts by a voice that immediately brings thoughts of warmth - of safety and comfort. Her head turns so that her green eyes fall on the form of her mate as he emerges from the shadows, her name on his lips. She tries her best attempt at a smile, lips only halfway upturned at the corners. She does not offer a greeting herself, instead she sweeps her tail closer to his body, clearing a space for her mate to sit. His presence was welcomed, it always would be. "It-It seems as if you can always sense when I need you" she says with a breathy sigh and a small laugh.

She rests her chin on the top of his head for a moment, closes her eyes and just revels in his touch. She missed this, she misses him. But she knows that while this sickness runs rampant through their camp she cannot ask him to return to the medicine cats den to sleep with her and Flintkit. She would not risk him like that. "I did something terrible" she says finally, her voice little more than a whisper, afraid someone would overhear. She is surprised by how little her voice trembles in the wake of this confession. "I killed him Granitepelt" the confession of guilt comes as she pulls away from his touch and looks him in the eyes, her own gaze filling with tears. Would he think she is terrible for what she had done? "I gave- I gave Flintkit extra of the cure. I could've saved Heavy Branch- could've given him some too but I- I wasn't sure if Flintkit would recover with just one" Would one have been enough? She would never know. "And-and the worst thing is im- I dont regret my decision. I feel guilty and sad but- but I dont regret it and that makes me feel worse" a tear breaks out of the corner of each of her eyes, leaving a streak through her dark fur as she searches her mates gaze, trying to figure out how he felt about this. Would he be disgusted by her selfishness? Or would he understand that she had done what she felt she must for her kit- for their kit.

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[GRANITEPELT]

Granitepelt has always loved Starlingheart for who and what she is. To him, that is selfless, hardworking, dutiful, timid, and kind to a fault. It’s also weak, unwilling to do what is needed in order to ensure succession. His beloved mate can hardly snap a rat’s neck without upheaving her stomach’s contents. To hear she had essentially caused a cat’s death to ensure their son’s survival is nothing less than shocking. Of himself, of his littermate, he’d have expected this—of most of his Clanmates.

He has to force himself not to smile, even as she wallows in the downpour of her misery.

“Shh, my love, come here.” He lifts his head from beneath the softness of her chin and takes that position for himself, a protective gesture. He would protect her from her own foolish sorrow. “Our son will live, and that’s what matters, isn’t it? You must have figured Heavybranch has lived many lifetimes, and Flintkit has barely lived a season’s length.”

He touches the grayish-pink of his nose to her ebony cheek fur. “You don’t regret your decision because it was the right thing to do. Heavybranch would have wanted Flintkit to live.” He doesn’t know if that’s true or not; frankly, he doesn’t care. “How could StarClan expect you to put the life of an old Clanmate before your son’s?”

✧ INFO.

•  
• 
  — granitekit . granitepaw . granitepelt
  — he/him ; warrior of shadowclan
  — heterosexual ; taken by Starlingheart
  — short-haired gray tom with white and green eyes
  — “speech”, thoughts, attack
  — penned by Marquette
  — chibi by Meg

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[Starlingheart]

She is expecting shock, she is expecting horror and for him to be disgusted by her. What she had done was a terrible thing after all, trading one life for another. No cat should have that power in their paws and yet she did. All the medicine cats did. And she had been selfish with that power. Instead of judgement though he pulls her closer so that it is her cheek brushing against his gray fur. She revels in the comforting gesture and she presses close to him, her mate. She is surprised by his calm reaction but she is glad for it, glad he understood why she had done what she had. "It"-it was part of my reasoning she admits quietly, but to say it had been all of it would be a lie. "I was- I was just so scared that just one wouldn't work... He was so sick..." her voice trails off as she lets out a heavy sigh.

His nose against her cheek is another comfort, his words making her feel better instantly. What else did Heavybranch have left to give to his clan? His death ensured a young cat who would grow up and be able to hunt for and defend his clan for moons to come would get chance to do that very thing. But still... "One might have worked but I was so scared" she had not wanted to lose her son to such an awful thing. Granitepelt mentions StarClan and it makes her pull away so that she can study his green eyes, her own filled with sadness and love in equal measure "No cat should ever be expected to make such a choice" her voice is steady, certain. It had been an impossible decision, an unfair one that the only possible answer in her mind had been to do what she had done. But that should not be the way of a medicine cat. She and all the others should not be forced into such a situation ever. "I think... I don't think we should have another litter. Would... would that be alright with you? I'm-I'm happy with the family we have now and-and it would be too hard for-for me... I don't think any medicine cat should have kits, should have to be put into the position I have" Would StarClan ever agree to such a thing? Would the rest of the medicine cats? She can only hope. It would save generations from future tragedy and heartache. No mother or father could ever be asked to put others over their own children. She knows now from experience how impossible of an ask it was.

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[GRANITEPELT]

Starlingheart is distraught. It’s easy to see how hard this choice has been on her. He gazes at her with a worried veneer shimmering over his eyes before gently brushing his face against hers. “You mustn’t let this upset you anymore, love. Your health is already in jeopardy being around those… yellowcough patients.” His brow furrows. “I could not bear to lose you. Stars know I would rip this forest apart if I did.” He busses her ear with his tongue and pulls away, studying her after her proposition.

“I don’t think we should have another litter.” He thinks of the brief flashes of pride he gets when one of his sons pleases him. On the other paw, he thinks of the way the she-kit lurks, the way her near-obsidian gaze pins him to one place and draws its claws over his belly.

“I agree,” he says. Granitepelt’s reasonings are different, but they’re sound. “We are fortunate to have the three we have.” He speaks the right words, using as warm a tone of voice as he can manage with Ghostpaw hovering over his shoulder mentally. “…Are you going to tell Chilledstar about this?”

ooc ✧ 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖎𝖙'𝖘 𝖙𝖗𝖚𝖊, 𝖎 𝖍𝖚𝖗𝖙 𝖙𝖔𝖔 - 𝖗𝖊𝖒𝖊𝖒𝖇𝖊𝖗, 𝖎 𝖑𝖔𝖛𝖊𝖉 𝖞𝖔𝖚?

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•  
• 

  — granitekit . granitepaw . granitepelt
  — he/him ; warrior of shadowclan
  — heterosexual ; taken by Starlingheart
  — short-haired gray tom with white and green eyes
  — “speech”, thoughts, attack
  — penned by Marquette
  — chibi by Meg

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[Starlingheart]

She does not want to think about what she would do if she ever lost her mate. He was her rock in the storm, had always been there for her ever since they were children. They had been apprentices together under her brother, he had moved into the medicine cats den with her when her aunt had left her so that she didn't have to be alone in an empty den surrounded by ghosts of the past.

His acceptance of her decision is almost immediate and she feels so much relief she feels as if she could collapse right there in his embrace. It was nothing short of a blessing that she had him here by her side. "I really could not have asked StarClan for a more perfect mate..." she says with a small sigh, nuzzling her nose into his chest fur and closing her eyes. How she wished he would come back to the den and sleep by her side again but she understands why he wouldn't- why he couldn't. The Clan needed him to stay healthy, she needed him to stay safe.

"I will but not now... Right now I am exactly where I want to be" In the morning she would go to Chilledstar but for this moment she is reveling in the closeness of their bodies, the way black mingles with gray and his familiar scent enveloping her like a warm blanket. Here she feels protected, safe from all the troubling thoughts that usually plague her mind.

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