private AMBIVALENT AMBIENCE [♱] CHILLEDSTAR

[SHARPSHADOW]

Disasters just happened, sometimes.

Chilledstar had not been made bed - bound, the way they had been before. Starlingheart seemed to have little to do but kiss away the boo - boos tha thaven't been patched up by StarClan already. In a sick and twisted way, Chilledstar was allowed to be on their feet so quickly, only because they had died just as fast. Should she feel blessed? Thankful? Of course not, because these things shouldn't happen in the first place. It was not the night, that put them in place for their mauling. It was the marsh itself. Nothing in it cared just what time of day it was.

A party of two cats or more... then three at the minimum. Hell, Chilledstar had an entire patrol, and still died. Was Sharpshadow an unwilling soldier then, for not laying down his life for them? He had never asked to be a soldier, but he is one, anyway.

Slouched shoulders and a hunched back pilot her to her leader. He's hardly ever talked to them. Actually, properly talked to them. But that's because he thought he had no right to, no reason to. Being ShadowClan's leader is so utterly above everything he is, isn't it? it's their own foolishness that's put him as close together as they are now.

" Chilledstar, " he croaks. " You're... okay, right? " Chilledstar should simply say yes, and move along. They aren't friends. Not... really. He is a Clanmate concerned about the wellbeing of his Leader. Not personally, but...

The warrior swallows. " It's not too late to get rid of me, you know. " A glance sideward into nowhere.

// OOC: PRIV JUMPSCARE!! @CHILLEDSTAR.​

 

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

"yes i'm fine."

the leader pushes up on aching bones, stretching and popping with a grunt as they turn to look at sharpshadow. she's always been a bit of a mystery to most but not to chilledstar. so easy is it to see right through that facade of awkwardness. he fears failing like most cats do. she swears she's not good enough to be upon this counsel, and chilledstar has tried to make it known that if anyone is, it's certainly her. he doesn't say it out loud, and how could he? if those around him heard his doubts, then he may not be listened to. she would be casted away like bones of a mouse and forgotten. no one would take her authority seriously. but thst look in his eyes is unmistakable. doubt has a smell, and chilledstar knows that better than many.

his admittance, however, is surprising enough. they'd wondered if she had learned how to keep a lid on her emotions like that of her former mentor, but even that lid popped off and he found himself sobbing. crying. it was an odd sight but it was a necessary evil. emotions were not easy to stuff down but if one did it enough... they twitch their ears with a small snort as they narrow their gaze. right. they're doing something here.

"and why would i do that? do you want me to? get rid of you? because I won't. you are a lead warrior because it is what is meant for you."

they take a moment, trying to find some emotion in their tone as they speak. they don't know why it's so hard this time, but they can manage. just for a bit, they can push themself to show they cared when all they wanted to do was curl up in a ball and disappear.

"you doubt yourself entirely too much. i have faith in your abilities. smogmaw does. so why don't you? do you doubt us so much that you think us wrong for picking you?"

they tap their tail against the ground, trying to get sharpshadow to look at them.

"most cats don't see their potential. they don't see how good they are for the clan. what they do. while others think themselves too highly. get too lost in reaching for the stars. but other cats see. we observe. and i see all of my clan. and I see you, sharpshadow. you are worth a lot more to this place than you think. and I think somewhere in there,"

they tap against their temple and gesture towards her own.

"that you know it too."

———————---***ALL OF MY FEELINGS ARE GONE***———————---​

I LEFT 'EM ALL ON THE FLOOR✧ MAN WHO'S TO BLAME IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME NO MORE

•  
• — black feline with a white marking across their face, a white chin, a white right front paw, and blue eyes. chilledstar is covered in scars, the most prominent ones being the one across their face, and the one across their neck.
  — 46 moons old; ages the 3rd every month
  — they / them pronouns
  — aromantic / homosexual ; currently not looking / looking
  — child of JAGGED and RAVEN
  — shadowclan ; loyal to shadowclan ; other info if applicable
  — mildly difficult to befriend ; trusts barely anyone; trusts no one outside of shadowclan
  — "speech", thoughts, attacking
  — peaceful powerplay allowed

​

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[SHARPSHADOW]

That's good. That's what he expected. The conversation could end right now, actually. But of course he had to go and open his mouth.

There are like, a hundred reasons. But in the end he says none, because his Leader is speaking, and its not really his place. Obviously. No one wanted to be gotten rid of, even if they really should be. It's one thing to ask him that, it's another thing to say they won't, anyways. Sharpshadow blinks back at her leader. For a moment, she feels like she's an apprentice again. They and Smogmaw both did this— had this way of making her look, listen. Their lectures were something he couldn't interrupt. He wanted to be able to do the same, some day, not for lecture's sake, because he feels like then, he'll really know he's doing things right. Sharpshadow lowers his head, as if he's being scolded.

" Really? " like a kit, he asks, and it's almost enough to make him wince. What has he ever done? To deserve... faith like this. Is it the fact that he's lived this long and hasn't been killed, or ran away? Perhaps the standards really are so low— life alone is quite the gift, in ShadowClan. The fact is, they're both crazy. They could easily be wrong. It wouldn't be the first time, nor the last. I don't know why you think this way. I really, really don't. He's just... someone. Practically no one, really. Idly, silently, he shakes his head.

Chilledstar asks for his eyes, as if they weren't already way too much of his horrible world. It's a lot of words just for him. It's embarrassing.

" I'm... here. " Eventually, he says, and it's like relearning how to talk again. That was all he ever did really. Be here. He didn't really want to be, but he was, and he wouldn't leave. " That's all that I do. "

Most of the time, he felt that was all Chilledstar did themselves. But that's better than Briarstar or Pitchstar had ever done.​