AN ODE TO GRIEF ☀︎ howlingstar

[Sunfreckle]

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He'd felt strange since, wanting to be present but not feeling as if he wanted to be around any cat. It was hard to describe exactly what had changed, he didn't know if the two-legs had done something to him or if he was just struggling to come to terms with the traumatic experience of having been captured to begin with. Sunfreckle couldn't even tolerate his own mate being too close, he had hissed a few times at Rabbitnose in a very public and embarrassing way before retreating to go deal with patrols or something else, but he felt bad for it even if the blue tom accepted his apologies with his usual cheer. He hated it, he hated this sensation of not being comfortable in his own pelt anymore but above all he was scared. Admittedly, he had selfishly thought more about his own kits and family than the clan itself when he was held captive and it made him realize how much he missed just being able to focus on them.
He wanted to continue to support ThunderClan, but as the clan grew and he watched more apprentices become warriors he could not help but think that it was moving a little too fast for him. The red tabby shook his head as he padded over to the leader's den, the smile on his face genuine if not tired as he dipped his head politely to enter, "Howlingstar...you said you wanted to see me?"
They hadn't talked much since he'd come back, preparations for leafbare and the ensuing risk of what was happening with highstones and WindClan had been a priority and truthfully he was fine focusing on those things first and foremost but now he was glad for the chance to talk. Howlingstar was a cat he had always admired, even if they had bumped heads in the past more than once, she forced him to see himself for what he truly was - a warrior of ThunderClan, loyal and proud. She forced him to accept his place as he deserved and he could never be more grateful for her for it. He liked to imagine himself like her when he got to be her age, hoped sincerely he had half the wisdom, composure and grace of the black tabby when he settled into his senior years.

——— ☀︎ light the fire, let it burn on top of you ——— ☀︎ breath again beneath the flames

• @HOWLINGSTAR
• 
  
  
  Sunfreckle
  —⊰⋅ Lead Warrior of ThunderClan
  —⊰⋅ He/Him
  "SPEECH", 'THOUGHTS', ATTACK
  —⊰⋅ Large red tabby tom w/green eyes and no left foreleg.
  

​

 

[HOWLINGSTAR]

Howlingstar had been distraught the days her friend had been missing, truly believing she would never see him again. Many other clanmates had disappeared from their territory in the same manner, whisked away with a scent that abruptly ended. How many had been lucky enough to return? None, until Sunfreckle. Thank the stars, not only for her own peace of mind, but his family's and the rest of the council's. She wanted to give him time to settle back into the clan, see Berryheart, and begin to process what had happened to him, but after enough time passed she wanted to know what happened to her lead warrior.

He arrives at her den, and she welcomes him in briskly with a wave of her tail and a purred greeting. Once they've both settled onto their haunches, she gazes at him softly, a twinge of worry in her expression as she mews, "How have you been? Are you feeling alright since returning?" He had come back with the fur from his belly missing and an odd scar - it appeared clean and free from infection, but any memory of receiving such an injury alluded him. Hesitantly, she adds on, "What happened to you out there?"​

 

[Sunfreckle]

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"I don't know." And it was kind of true, he had felt so out of place since coming home and his memories of the incident were clouded in an odd fog that had enveloped him. Sunfreckle remembered the panic and feral terror of being moved from cage to cage, of gloves hands gripping him, some minor pains like porcupine quills and then waking up with an ache once more rumbling within the inside of the monster's belly before he was deposited back in the forest. It was all so sudden, so jarring, he spent his thoughts saying goodbye in his head and waiting for the end only to be freed instead. There was a lot to be felt about expecting death, preparing for it, and surviving. An odd guilt caught his heart, he wished others who had been taken like him had returned; it wasn't fair.
"I feel alright though. Berryheart said this scar is clean and there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with it." He raises a paw to his side, the fur already growing back in short red bursts of color in places. "...I'm just glad to be home."
His green eyes regarded her with warmth and an edge of exhaustion - he'd felt oddly tired since, maybe even a little irritable which was uncharacteristic of him. Since he had her attention now though, unburdened from both their duties and his recovery...

"I did...want to talk to you about something though." It took a while to decide if his feelings were a result of the traumatic ordeal and too impulsive but after several days he realized that it was just genuinely how he felt. "It has been such an honor to serve under you, to offer you council. You've taught me to value my own worth despite what I lack in and you're just..." The words are hard to convey with his own limited vocabulary, he was sure a more succinct cat would be able to. "...you're a wonderful leader, Howlingstar, but more important a great friend so I'm not afraid to be honest with you...but I feel as if I...I want to be selfish somewhat. My older kits are grown now, mentors even, living their own lives. I want to watch them, I want to spend more time with them and my younger ones, I...I don't know. I felt like I was never going to see ThunderClan again and now that I'm back I just want to focus on that. On my family, my friends..."
Sunfreckle did not intend to retire or move back to the nursery, he would become a normal warrior again and continue his duties but he would pass the duties that he once held to his fellow leads and Flycatcher. "Your council is strong as it is, I have no doubt they will support you steadily still even without me."

——— ☀︎ light the fire, let it burn on top of you ——— ☀︎ breath again beneath the flames

•  
• 
  
  
  Sunfreckle
  —⊰⋅ Lead Warrior of ThunderClan
  —⊰⋅ He/Him
  "SPEECH", 'THOUGHTS', ATTACK
  —⊰⋅ Large red tabby tom w/green eyes and no left foreleg.
  

​

 

[HOWLINGSTAR]

She smiles gently, glad to hear the scar is healing well, and like him she's just glad he is home. "I'm so glad you're home, too. You've no idea how much everyone here missed you," She mews, recalling how frightened his family had been. None of it matters now - all that matters is he is here back in the warrior's den with his mate and children.

His next words have her attention, evident in how her eyes fixate to his and her ears prick. She straightens herself and listens as he speaks. Yes, he has come so far from who he had once been. He is a warrior all of ThunderClan can be proud of, one she is proud of every day. I want to be selfish, And she begins to know where this is going. When the look of brief surprise has exited her gaze, it is replaced with soft understanding. While she will of course be disappointed to lose his voice on her council, everything he's saying makes so much sense. How could she ever deny his request to focus on his family and himself, after everything he's been through?

Her expression is gentle as she moves a paw to his larger one and rests it there. "You have honored me by giving so much to this clan and giving me advice when I needed it. I understand, my friend. I want you to rest and serve the rest of your days as a warrior with no added responsibilities. Thank you for your service to this clan." She smiles a genuine smile, fighting down any sadness she feels at this development. This is a happy occasion, not a somber one, she reminds herself. But she will miss his warmth on her council, his gentle approach. We will have to be fine without it.​