And I need somewhere to begin / Burnpaw

[ROEFLAME .]

ROEFLAME — break the air to feel the fall.
Roeflame had started that morning with the acknowledgment that she wasn’t doing okay, and she was ending it with the knowledge that she could feel herself crumbling.
It was an eerie feeling, almost hollow despite the weight that hung between her shoulders, forcing her down while the warrior was trying to gather all the pieces- scrambling to find the one that told her when everything had started to go so, so wrong.
Her shock from the entire ordeal did nothing to help, her throat still felt like ice was blocking her airway.
She’s rooted at the mouth of the medicine den, letting the fiery light of dusk blind her while she let her mind completely warp her from reality.
She feels something move beside her, distant but enough to pull her back to the present.
She blinks away from the glaring sun, wincing as black mottles her vision until the form of Burnpaw comes into focus.
His return had been a blur, she remembered saying something to him, but it was an echo in her memory.
She isn’t sure if he’s there for Berryheart or herself, but she’s grateful for his arrival anyways.
"You’ve gotta stop being my hero." She says to him, leaning her head against the entrance. She wants there to be humor in her tone, to be grateful for her friend.
Yet, she can’t muster it, and all that comes out is bittersweet regret. She looks away after she speaks, attempting to blink the emotion away from her hazy optics.
"If you hadn’t come back…" Roeflame doesn’t finish the thought, forcing herself to bite her tongue. Instead, she looks at her forepaws, brow bones furrowing together.

@BURNPAW !
"speech"

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[BURNSTORM]

To say he was here to see his uncle would be a lie. There are other reasons for his shadowed paws to lead him to ThunderClan's medicine cat den with a plump squirrel clutched firmly between his jaws. He is surprised to find her at the entrance, eyes glazed over as though she is deep in thought. He pauses for a moment, golden eyes drinking in the way the sun softly illuminates her and though she looks beautiful she also looks troubled. He wants to know what it is that is on her mind but he had never been the type to pry and so he quietly makes his way over until he is standing in front of her, placing the squirrel down on the ground between them. Before he can open his mouth to speak though words are already tumbling out of hers.

He lets out a soft laugh "Stop getting into trouble and I'll stop having to save you all the time" he teases light-heartedly. He would do the same for any one of his clanmates but he is glad it is her. He is glad that she is safe, that she is here with them and not buried in the dirt next to his uncle. His own thoughts are plagued by darkness, but in her presence he is nearly able to forget all of it. She had always had that effect on him, it's why he had liked training with her so much.

Her face changes then, she looks away and the sadness is back. It's not a look he likes on his closest friend. He wants to chase it away but he knows from personnel experience that it's something someone needed to feel in order to heal. Still, he wishes there was more that he could do to help but he doesn't know how. "Well you don't have to worry about that because I did" he says, his voice certain. He reaches out with his paw and pushes the squirrel forward "And I brought you something to eat"
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[ROEFLAME .]

ROEFLAME — break the air to feel the fall.
His advice for her to simply stop getting in trouble puts a narrow smile on her features, the corner of her maw only quirking upwards slightly.
The bundle of golden brown in her peripheral tugs her gaze back in Burnpaws direction, and she taps a paw at the empty space next to her. "Eat with me? That things almost as big as I am." Her humor is unusually dry but her offer is genuine.
If he’d accept, she’d take the first bite and gently push it back towards her friend, savoring the burst of flavor that came with the first bite of any meal.
"You’re important to me." She begins softly, her ears turning back against her head. "That scares me, though. It feels like everyone that’s important to me just-" she cuts herself off, biting her tongue just as she did before.
"I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you, or Flycatcher. Some days I feel like my grief might just… shatter me." As she speaks, Roeflame would hardly realize her head had gravitated to her paws now. Soft green optics shaded gold in the setting sun when she looks back towards the clearing again.
She hadn’t opened up to anyone since Lichenpaw, and that had made a bigger mess of things than what she started with, she hadn’t even been plagued with the grief of Ragwortpaw and Snowpath yet either.
Roeflame doesn’t mull over her words this time, the presence of Burnpaw was a comfort, despite the fear that haunted her.

"speech"

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[BURNSTORM]

She uses her paw to indicate the empty space beside her and invites him to join, an invitation his grumbling stomach is happy to accept. With a soft grunt he plops himself down next to her "If you insist, but be warned I'm hungry enough to eat a whole badger!" he jests and waits patiently for her to take the first bite before the meal is pushed his way. He too takes a bite and chews, trying his best not to take too much, wanting his friend to keep her strength up and heal swiftly.

'You're important to me' the soft words catch him off guard and his whiskers twitch. His pelt feels suddenly hot but he can't explain why. When was the last time he had admitted someone was important to him other than his family? There are only a handful of cats that come to mind. "You're important to me too" he says, his tone uncharacteristically soft. He listens quietly to her next words, understanding making him silent. He knew what it was like to lose a sibling, to lose someone close to him.

"Well the good news is I dont plan on going anywhere" he says with a soft huff "You're stuck with me whether you like it or not" its his hope that he'll be around for a good while yet, long enough to become an elder and retire so he can laze about and criticize the younger generations. He's quite for a moment more before he speaks again. "I know how you feel you know" he admits, his gaze focusing on his ebony colored paws and a sad expression crossing his face. "When Morningpaw died and my siblings left for SkyClan I thought that nothing would be right again. It felt like my whole life was crashing and burning" he had never said this out loud to anyone. For so long he had wallowed in his own grief and self-pity "And then Emberstar died and I really felt like all my dreams had ended" who else was there to teach him how to be an amazing warrior? When Emberstar had died he had been convinced he would never outlive the kittypet taunts, that he would never be anything greater then a kittypet kings son. "But then I spent all that time with you and Flycatcher and it made me have hope for the future again." Tornadopaw too but he does not admit that part out loud. What would cats think if he told them he had a friend who didn't live in ThunderClan? They would think he was just like his mother he knows. "So I know it's hard now, but maybe in time you'll also find something that gives you hope again" it is his greatest hope that she would, and if he could help he would do it. He owed her that much, at least.
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[ROEFLAME .]

ROEFLAME — break the air to feel the fall.
She listens as Burnpaw speaks, desperately seeking any comfort she could in his words.
He promises he isn’t going anywhere, he knows the pain she is feeling, he’s there. Right beside her, and Roeflame wishes he’d simply stay there, that she could know there is truth to what he says.
She voices none of this, only managing to nod along in distant understanding, something sparking in her heart when Burnpaw mentions how the time they had spent together as apprentices had helped him, trying to ignore the memory of Morningpaw, the ghost of the young apprentice that had haunted her every time the thought of Snowpath had crossed her mind.
Roeflame wonders if their together in Starclan, now. She hopes so, she hopes they had both found their peace despite the grief left in their passing.
"Can I tell you something?" Roeflame would finally ask after a heartbeat, raising her head to look at him properly again. She needed to get something off of her chest, any piece of her grief- as selfish as that was, and while the warrior would never be able to bring herself to speak about Snowpath to the other, she needed to say something. "Cinderfrost… she was Rags biological mother, Toads too. I used to be envious of that, that they had that blood connection to her- as though it would make her love me the same as them." Roeflame’s voice cracks despite her reluctance, and she shakes her head, she had never admitted that before. "Now, I know that’s just stupid, like those kids had it any better than I did." She feels her teeth begin to sink into her lip, and she stops herself. "I grew up with the gossip, the consequences of her actions- but I never knew what she did, not until recently. It wasn’t too long after that Ragwortpaw asked when her mother was coming back- if she was ever coming back, in front of a whole patrol, and some Shadowclan warriors." Roeflame pauses, letting herself take a breath.
"The day I brought them back, I made a promise, I swore to myself that I would protect them no matter what, from anything. So, I didn’t tell anyone who their mother was, only Howlingstar- but after the patrol I had no other choice than to tell both of them the truth about Cinderfrost.. and not even a quarter moon later- " Roeflames dialogue is breaking off, the ice in her throat is now pricking at her eyes, and she cannot fight the tears. "Then she’s dead, Burnpaw. She was there, right in front of me one day, and not the next- how does that even happen?" Her shoulder shake as she tries to finish her sentence, her last word cut off as she begins to sob, for the first time after her series of tragedy, she is truly crying.
"It doesn’t make sense, how was she gone so fast? How did I fail so quickly?"

"speech"

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[BURNSTORM]

Roeflame looks distracted, far off, as if she's lost in some thought. He studies her face as she nods, golden eyes filled with patience and understanding. When finally she speaks his heart nearly skips a beat. Can I tell you something? His mind starts racing, trying to puzzle out what it was that she had to say that would make her features look so troubled. "Of course" he says, his voice soft. She continues and the words she speaks are not what he was expecting.

Grief marrs her words as she speaks of her sister, the truth about Cinderfrost's kin. Ragwortpaw had been his mothers apprentice and he cannot help but wonder if she knew the truth about her ward. He would not be repeating these words to anyone though, not unless the knowledge was proven to be a threat to the clan if kept secret. She talks about how its not fair, that someone can be there one day and gone the next. How easily one's loved ones can be taken from you. It is a feeling he is, sadly, familiar with.

Tears are streaming down her face and Burnpaw cannot help the ache in his heart that he feels for the warrior before him. When he was a kit, he had believed warriors were strong, unbreakable, that once you became an adult you went through a magical change that turned you into an all-knowing being. The first time he had been proven wrong was when he had seen his mother grieve for his sister. He leans forward now, touching his nose to her cheek in a manner that feels too-gentle for it to be him who has done it but he has made such a gesture before. For his mother as she cried for her lost daughter. "It's not your fault" he says, his voice gentle but stern. It was something he had struggled with for a long while He is still processing the rest of the information, milling it about in his head and trying to make it make sense, but this he knows for certain. "Sometimes things are just meant to happen, things that are out of our control and I'm certain Ragwortpaw would not want you to spend the rest of your life beating yourself up over this. She would forgive you." He had not been as close to the gray-furred she cat, admittedly, but she had, at one time, been kind to him in a time when he had needed it. She was a kind she-cat with a big heart.
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[ROEFLAME .]

ROEFLAME — break the air to feel the fall.
After the last word is spoken, Roeflame is left with nothing to do other than to turn her head away from Burnpaw, letting the grief shake at her shoulders. She wants to stop, to be the kind to feel her emotions in silence, but with each breath she takes sticky warm tears seem to follow. Droplets cling to her eyelashes, blurring her vision while she takes her moment, but she feels Burnpaws soft gesture of comfort with clear awareness, letting her temple lean against his muzzle for a heartbeat.
It’s not your fault.
The others voice is gentle as he speaks, and if the circumstances had been different Roeflame may have questioned if it was really Burnpaw speaking. Yet, in this moment the reassurance gives her a pause, a hiccup in her throat as she struggles to look at back up towards him. Subconsciously, Roeflame looks for a spark of ingenuity in his gaze, in his demeanor. The warrior finds none, and her relief is expelled in a long, unsteady breath, finally letting herself take the solace in his words. She nods once more, but it is a short one, gradual understanding swelling in her teary-eyed optics. "I hope so. I hope she knows how much I loved her." She murmurs, eyes flickering around as her thoughts piece themselves together.
"I don’t want to fail anyone else. I don’t want to lose anymore." She is whispering now, and as though she might faint from where she is already laying, she leans against Burnpaw for silent support.
"Just…" she closes her eyes, trailing off. "Just stay with me for a little bit longer." She is being selfish when she asks this, she doesn’t want to lose her first comfort in the mess of it all just yet.
I’ll pay you back one day, I promise. Just.. don’t leave me here alone.


"speech"

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[BURNSTORM]

He understands, more than she may know he knows what it is like to lose someone, to beat yourself up over it every single day. Asking himself all the time was there something he could've done differently? If only he had been better. 'I hope she knows how much I love her' the she cat next to him says and almost without thinking he replies "She does" and then he adds "I mean I'm not Berryheart, so I don't know for certain, but I'm sure she does, you were a good sister Roeflame, still are" Now he feels like hes making a fool of himself but he has to believe it. Because if Ragwortpaw did not know then that meant there was a possibility that Morningpaw did not know either, and he did not want to, could not live with the idea that his sister had no idea how much he had loved her as well.

'I dont want to fail anyone else' isn't that a feeling he was all to familiar with as well? In his mind images of his grandmother dying before his eyes flash, his sister, his uncle. He wanted to be better for them, but also for the cats he could save in the future, like Roeflame. Burnpaw's gaze softens as he looks at her, as she asks him not to leave. "I already told you, you're stuck with me" he says, his whiskers twitching and a gentle smile making an appearance on his face. She leans into him, draws closer, and for a moment he is surprised but he does not move away, does not move at all. For a few seconds he is tense, unused to physical contact from anyone other than his family and even then it had been rare since he had become an apprentice. Not from any withholding on his families part but because of his own prickliness. But this, with her, it was nice and after a couple of moments he relaxes, even touches the top of her head with his nose and breaths in that familiar scent. Oak like the forest they are surrounded with with a hint of lavender. He finds peace in that fragrance and soon, he finds himself drifting off to sleep...
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