baby hotline ☀︎ howlingstar

[Sunfreckle]

Berryheart was truly a blessing from the stars itself, a more skilled medicine cat they could not have asked for but while a cure was discovered getting access to said cure was another story. It left him feeling wary and withdrawn more than he already had been. Sunfreckle wouldn't deny that being in the nursery another moon was something he wasn't looking forward to, but he had done it to himself and was more than a little aware of the response. His own daughter being so adamant on him passing a kit over to the queens, the murmurs he had heard wondering when he might return to his duties; the logical part of his mind told him it was fine, that he'd get right back to things when Pigeonkit was apprenticed and maybe he'd even get a new apprentice as well to help him get back into the thick of it all. But the illogical part of him was terrified of being put back out in the open, among his peers he felt quite small and inadequate and he wished desperately he had been forest born and trained in the wild so he was even a little more on level with them than what he was now. An ex-kittypet who wasn't skilled in many things and couldn't even be trusted to be a queen. That's not why Pigeonkit's adoption had been questioned, its not, he knew that, but it was the thought that kept permeating the surface of his mind constantly. Feelings were an odd thing, he could understand and rationalize something exactly as it was meant and have the foresight to acknowledge it true but the second his emotions flared up it was all but forgotten in favor of just being upset of what was essentially trivial issues.
Sunfreckle sighed, head on his lone forepaw as he gazed out into the camp and wondered briefly if he'd made a mistake. No, he knew he should've handed this kit to another queen-he knew that now. But the mistake of thinking he could be a proper clan cat at all? It was a silly, kit-like worry and he was embarrassed for having it but it was how he felt. He couldn't change that. Lamenting to Rabbitnose did nothing, he loved his mate but his adoring and unquestionable support was not what he needed.
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[Ooc]
@HOWLINGSTAR
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[HOWLINGSTAR]

She has been pondering this conversation for some time. It was going to be a difficult one to have, she knows, but it is what that must be done. When Sunfreckle announced his second pregnancy, she had been ecstatic - kits are always a blessing. A lead warrior's kits? She could not be prouder. She could never fault a cat for such a thing; to do so would be monstrous. No, she had been nothing but happy for her friend's growing family, and had even babysat his young ones from time to time.

It was when he had swooped up Pigeonkit, orphaned in the forest, and swept the child off to the nursery without a word of acknowledgment to his own leader about what he was about to do, the decision he was making...that is when she began to grow concerned. The clan has a queen, one that remains in the nursery no matter if she is rearing her own kits or not. Tansyshine's job is to take in those lost, helpless kits, to be a mother to them when they need one. Sunfreckle has a different job. He is a clan lead warrior, hand-selected for her exclusive council. And yet he had quickly made the choice to extend his stay in the nursery, putting off his duties longer than they ever needed to be.

She is a patient woman, but she is not devoid of frustration - many of her clanmates know this well. The plump tabby slips into the nursery when she knows the kits and Tansyshine are out and about playing. "Sunfreckle, may I speak with you?" She mews to the tom, already settling nearby.​

 

[Sunfreckle]

Shadows fall into the den and his head raises from his daydreaming to see the black tabby leader there, looking her usual calm self but there was a faint tension to her brow that drew it into something a little more intense than neutral. The red tom is sitting up proper then, tail still curled around sleeping kits but now set in a bit more of a respectable position than laying there while she ventured in. "Howlingstar, hello-"

Howlingstar sits as she asks, making clear the question was a polite formality rather than something genuine and he gives a strained smile in reply, "Of course." His reply too, was just to be polite, she was here to speak whether he wanted to hear it or not and he could already feel his fur prickling with dread; a small part of him had known her disapproval from the start, when she had watched him carry in Pigeonkit that first day in camp. Sunshinekit was still somewhat sick so he might end up with a companion as he waited another moon after his siblings to be apprenticed but regardless it was another moon in the nursery. Another moon from his duties. Sunfreckle wasn't stupid and neither was Howlingstar, she'd picked up he was being avoidant for some reason a she didn't even know how to begin to explain it without coming across pathetic. But for her he'd try.
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[HOWLINGSTAR]

With his agreement, she settles in, becoming comfortable on the plush milk-scented moss. She looks to him with gentle eyes, but if he searches them hard enough he will see the growing concern in them. She searches for the words to say what she is meaning to say, and finally just comes on our with it. "Do you want to be on my council?" She asks bluntly, but her voice lacks any malice, only genuine curiosity. She can think of no other reason for him to do what he had done. "Because I know plenty of other warriors who would have done anything to return to my council as quickly as possible instead of choosing to stay in the nursery even longer. Especially when we are lucky enough to have Tansyshine here." She wraps her feathery tail tightly around her form as she awaits his response, blinking her eyes slowly.​

 

[Sunfreckle]

The question is both surprising and not. He expected it but he didn't expect it so suddenly and so bluntly asked without any build up and it leaves him stammering mutely for a moment as he tried to collect his thoughts, "I...I do-I'm honored I just-I-"
He thinks about that day, the warmth of acknowledgement, the proud dip of her head as he was asked to be a lead warrior - watching as Flycatcher was made deputy and it was a memory he often revisited in his thoughts as they grew more negative with each passing moon. He sees the rest of the cats, his peers, alongside him and feels smaller and smaller the more are added. With Wolfwind joining their ranks he couldn't help but begin to ask himself why he was there. He didn't want to feel that way, but it was something he couldn't stop. The kits were not planned, but the break from the oppressive state of his own mind had been a welcome relief that was quickly crushed by the overwhelming depression he'd felt when they were finally born and it had only settled heavier and heavier since. Sunfreckle had fallen into a hole, a comfortable and safe one and he was terrified to climb back out of it and face the world.
"I feel..." He blinks, eyes burning and tired, "I'm sorry. I just...there are so many cats more worthy than me, I feel like...I feel like I'm not...I'm just..." The red tabby's tail frizzes, he feels his anxiety spiking and he swallows it down and forces himself to keep from being overly emotional; he doesn't want to wake the kits, he doesn't want to look that pathetic in front of his leader.
"...I've always wondered what I bring that another cat can't do better...it's something I've always worried about and thought about often and-" He pauses briefly, switches topics quicker, "-not...not that I'm questioning your decisions or anything I just....why me? What worth do I have...? I'm average at best when it comes to almost everything...hunting, fighting..." Nightbird, Raccoonstripe, Flamewhisker, Wolfwind, all forest born or previous loners and all with the skillset to survive and thrive and he had been struggling to be just competent from day one. "..I thought with the nursery I could...I could at least contribute...something..."
But even then he'd already known deep down that wasn't it right? Tansyshine, as Howlingstar had said, was perfectly capable of handling things here herself. Stars, if he asked she'd probably even watch Sunshinekit and Pigeonkit for him so he could rejoin the clan proper when the others were apprenticed next moon, but he was still scared. Scared of that failure always constantly at the back of his mind.

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[HOWLINGSTAR]

She listens patiently, tail-tip flicking to and fro as he gives breath to his concerns and doubts. So that was it. He had taken in Pigeonkit to purposely avoid returning to his duties, his anxiety holding him back. Her gaze softens, but when she speaks, there is laughter in her voice. "Do you think I invite cats onto my council because they're good hunters or skilled fighters?" Her eyes glint with amusement, but she isn't trying to make fun of him. Instead, she only intends to point out his flawed thinking. Physical capabilities are the least of her concerns when it comes to her lead warriors.

A white-tipped paw moves forward to rest on his lone forepaw. Green eyes grow intense as she stares at him, urging him to listen. "You bring warmth and kindness to my council, Sunfreckle. Others bring ferocity, and wit, and courage; you offer your cheerful heart and desire to protect your clan. It is why you are so dear to me as a friend, and why I trust in you to serve as one of the most respected warriors in ThunderClan."

She then pulls her paw away to settle back into her comfortable lying position, her eyes flicking about to survey the walls and ceiling of the den. "If this is what you'd rather contribute....it's an honorable duty but has its downfalls," She jests, her half-smile making clear that she is not serious. But the meaning is there. A queen cannot be a lead warrior, and if that is the life Sunfreckle wants to choose for himself for the rest of time, he would no longer be a member of her council going forward. Of course, she does not expect him to choose that. She returns her gaze to him, gentle yet assured. She knows him well enough to know he cares about his duty to his clan, as a lead warrior, too much.​

 

[Sunfreckle]

He jolts briefly at the laugh, startled by it and then immediately embarrassed by it in a way that didn't so much as hurt his feelings as it shook them up into a frenzy and forced him to reevaluate them entirely. He expected a scolding, of what he wasn't exactly sure, but this was a farcry from his expectations and it made him feel slightly worse over the fact he'd been so afraid to speak up over his worries before. Howlingstar was not a cruel or meanspirited cat, if only he could have fought his nerves down to talk long before it came to this then maybe things would be much different. Maybe he would have had the confidence to not have an entire episode during his second litter's birth...it was his own anxiety that had been his undoing and it continued to be his worst enemy.

The paw on his settles his fur back down from the frizz it had fluffed up into at the initial boisterous chuckle, he almost wants to cry with how relieved he is to hear her words, that his purpose was not to compete with his clanmates but to act as guidance in his own way; the more docile manner he'd always held himself. Thankfully for his pride, small as it was, he managed not to break down into tears but respond with a laugh of his own in turn.
"I feel...I feel ridiculous now...I should've spoken to you sooner, I'm sorry..." He blinks back the single line of tears that wanted to be free, urging them down and giving another shaky laugh as he whisks his tail around himself almost defensively to her...joke? Her joke. The look of brief displeasure that flickered across his maw in response to being a permenant queen was answer on its own but he made certain to vocalize it as well, "I will...be happy and honored to return to my duties proper and carry myself more appropriately...." A cough clears his throat, "....and not adopt another kitten."
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[HOWLINGSTAR]

Her smile broadens, and she is glad that he has been able to relieve himself of his fears. She straightens herself and responds to his confirmation with a sure nod. "I know you will be." Even if he hadn't believed it to be so, he is a good lead warrior, and she expects him to continue to do good by his clan. The corners of her mouth quirk up in a partial smile as his last comment. "Tansyshine will take on any kit that needs a queen. As soon as Pigeonkit is apprenticed, you will leave the nursery," She vocally confirms, ears twitching. The gentleness returns to her eyes as she gets to her paws and prepares to leave. "And we all look forward to having you back, my friend." Smiling, she touches her tail-tip to his shoulder before slipping out to give him his privacy, content with how the discussion went.​