baby, it's cold outside ♡♥ chilled

[Halfshade]

Her mismatched gaze lingers upon the clanrock where once Pitchstar planted his deranged paws and shouted out his news to all of ShadowClan, he was not her friend and his loss did not cut her as deeply as others but he had been a familiar face for so long that the sudden change was almost terrifying. The unknown was never merciful, the rosette tom had been consistent at least and the clan was shifting in a direction she could not even remotely guess at the future of. At least it was newleaf, they had more prey present and could slowly relax from their near starvation during the freezing winter; even as she thinks it she feels her fur bristling in silent outrage at the audacity of that kittypet Meli-whatever they had let in trying to preach to them about what was right or wrong when they had all nearly died; some had come closer than others. Geckoscreech's frail form came to mind, the sight of so many visible ribs beneath taut drawn pelts haunts her even now.
Say what you will of Pitchstar's reign, he had fought tooth and claw for his clan and even if he played favorites with his family there was no denying he had wanted only the best for ShadowClan in the end. The torbie sighs, can not rip her eyes from the stone before her even as she considers leaving to be productive, it is almost as though her paws were too heavy suddenly; if only answers for her worries were as easy as just asking. Smogmaw had been assigned a patrol and wouldn't be due back right now and she longed to lament to him her worries as a cat who had suddenly weaved his way into her heart; how silly to think she thought he an annoyance on first meeting too. Now he was her sole confident.
The sound of careful steps behind her have her ears raise up and she turns, blinking at the sudden appearance of the newly named leader standing silent as a statue at her back. Chilledstar. At least the name rolled off the tongue alright, but she still...
She still had so many misgivings and her worry lent itself to irritation. A frown crossed her expression at the silent black feline before she exhaled a sigh so weary it was a wonder she didn't drop on the spot. "...do you remember Hawktail? A pity what happened to her."

---

[Ooc]
- @CHILLEDGAZE.
​

 

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

DON'T YOU GIVE ME UP, PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP​

---

insane. that was quite literally the only word they could definitively use to describe pitchstar. he was erratic most of the time, paranoia chewed at his very insides and he barely trusted anyone. he was snappy and rude, and even impulsive. he wasn't a good leader by any sense of the word. but he was a leader. his motives couldn't be questioned because even in the midst of his insanity, he cared about his clan. he just couldn't get enough of a grasp on himself to prove it in a way that didn't always put the clan in danger. or himself. chilledgaze– now chilledstar– had tried to be a voice of reason. but how did anyone talk to a cat who already had whispers inside his head?

chilledstar wasn't prepared for leadership. they knew that as much as the next cat, and yet it didn't actually matter. they had to be a leader now, because there was no one else to be. many doubted that chilledstar could be the leader they needed. it wasn't their lack of effort that others worried about, but rather chilled's nature of... stoicism. many didn't know who chilledstar actually was, or what the hell was going on in their brain. they couldn't help that. they just didn't open up very well... pitchstar knew more about them than most. minkpaw knew practically everything and spectermask did too. but there was just things that cats didn't get to know. things that chilledstar would likely take to their grave. they couldn't help it.

as they walked on, they remained quiet. it was a talent– a very shadowclan-esque talent. they were quiet and deadly, it was so their thing. they looked at halfshade, blinking with a quiet hum. so, the oh-so-glorious molly was talking to them? and they hadn't even needed to make a fool out of themself, like they had been known to do. the mention of hawktail makes the leader's ear twitch, but their expression isn't changed.

"mhm. i remember everyone that dies. can't be helped."

they draw their tongue over their muzzle, brows furrowing ever so slightly in some sense of thought before they just breathed out.

"she wasn't... the best cat. i could probably even say that she deserved the fate she got. but that's not up to me, is it? ... why are you bringing her up? what do you really want, halfshade?"

they're voice seems a little colder when her name slinks off their tongue, but they didn't mean too much by it. they didn't hate halfshade but the much preferred when she was ignoring them. it made their interactions a lot less snippy than they would be.
​

 

[Halfshade]

"What do I really want..." She mused, glancing at them sharply but not maliciously so. She wanted a lot of things in life, some realistic and others things she knew to be impossible, but she was also a cat willing to compromise.
"I want..stability. I want ShadowClan to prosper and I worry it may not. It was barely held together under Pitchstar. I won't speak poorly of him, despite his insanity he fought tooth and claw for us to the very end. You'd be a fool to not accept he cared in his own strange way." A mad man who probably died in a confused rage or sobbing mess, the only comfort she could wager he had in his final moments was knowing he'd be reuinited with the mother he never quite finished mourning. "...you scare me."
It was a pointed comment, but not unkind-if she wanted to fling insults she would but she was not interested in petty squabbling right now and she certainly didn't think Chilledstar was either. Despite her harsh words, she was sincere. Pitchstar's ways were odd but familiar, Chilledstar's were not familiar at all. She had no idea the sort of leader she could expect of them but from what she'd seen so far she wasn't sure still. The uncertainty was frightening.
"I see you and I think there's potential to be great...burdened by the refusal to try. I see a cat who allows others to tread upon them, dust their paws on their pelt and spit in their face. I see a cat who will not fight for themselves let alone ShadowClan. I'm afraid of the other clans seeing our weakness and striking at the heart. We will not survive another blow so soon. Our third leader, while others remain on their first outside ThunderClan."
The torbie swallows hard, frowning and her gaze drifts off past the black and white feline's head to the dens behind them, the camp felt more comforting now without the snow so heavily draped across it, with a freshkill pile not mere scraps. It looks hopeful.
"If you won't fight your own battles then how can you fight ours? I don't want empty promises, I want safety." She had spent all of leaf-bare asking herself why she didn't just leave, starving alongside her clanmates and just barely getting by. It was when the frost melted and the frogs began to croak once more in the distance did she realize none of them had left. Every cat here stuck it out despite their possible deaths. She fell in love with the clan properly then. Perhaps some looked at her and thought she could easily pick up a life as a pretty kittypet and live in luxury without worry of the feral cat woes, but her dignity would not allow such a disgrace and now she had firmly cemented her loyalty. They had all fought together, overcome. She had a companion now too of all things. Halfshade wanted to live in ShadowClan for the rest of her life, but she needed to know she wasn't being foolish.
"I want a place I can raise kits without fear. I want to know if you can give me that. I want to know if you can let us not only survive but thrive..I want a leader I can pledge loyalty to without hesitation, without regret." Pitchstar did not have her loyalty fully but he had her loyalty to ShadowClan. She hadn't exactly respected him at all, but she hoped it would be different now. A leader who commanded respect was a leader one could stand behind.
​

 

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

DON'T YOU GIVE ME UP, PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP​

---

"i see."

chilledstar listened to every word that came from the she-cat's mouth, only moving to sit beside her, their tail curling around their paws neatly. she is worried about what the clan will be under their leadership, due to their constant lack of standing up for themself. it is a very honest concern, and they couldn't say they wouldn't think the same of another leader who did just that. but how did one get out of that habit? what could they do to make it easier to stand up for themselves?

it wasn't everything that led them to this. they fought with sharpened claws and glimmering teeth when it came to others. oh, they loved to fight and any reason to do it was a good one to them– but it was a hell of a lot easier to fight for someone else. when it came to themself, they spent so much time just trying to even be comfortable being themself. they only snort, though it is not at halfshade. it's themself. hawktail was brought up because she so easily had went for their weak spot– something that halfshade is honestly worried about.

"you're worried if i can actually do anything for this clan. that if someone was to catch on to my weakness... then it would mean not very good things for this place."

they are simply confirming what they already knew. their gaze doesn't even reach over to the molly. she had rights to be concerned. they were silently grateful she even said anything about it. they hadn't realized how bad it had been.

"do you want to know why i back down so easily for myself but somehow find my claws for others? because it's easier to protect someone else. it's always been that way. with my mother. with minkpaw. with pitchstar, even. i can protect others."

they only rolled their eyes.

"i know i should do better to fight for myself. but how hard is that when you feel others are right about their words? hawktail certainly was in some ways. it was a lot easier to ignore her than make a fuss. even when that cat kept calling me a she-cat-"

they shivered before just looked over at her.

"each and every time something like this happens, my mind goes to two places. silence, or murder. now how improper would it be for a deputy– or rather leader– to kill someone because they talked bad about them? i refuse to be like that."

they knew how ridiculous it sounded. but it was the easier option. talking about things was never their strong suit. they never were good at that.

"anyways, all of this... thank you for voicing your concerns. i'm working on it. if you ever catch me sulking when someone has spat towards me, feel free to hit me in the back of the head."

they huffed.

"i'm not expecting you to even believe me right now. but have a little faith. i plan to make shadowclan into the clan it is supposed to be, in spite of the hate that the stars have for us."​

 

[Halfshade]

She's genuinely surprised when Chilledstar takes a seat and seems to listen sincerely, even repeating back what they believe her intent to ensure they understood. Halfshade nods slowly in confirmation, allowing them the time to pick apart themselves to find an answer for her questions.

"Standing up for others is well and good." Naturally, it was the sign of a cat who cared but sometimes it wasn't enough to just care. Sometimes one needed to understand that the care extended to more than mere physical needs and power and that ensuring stability by protecting oneself was just as important.
"But you are just as important...there are always more options, especially now when you can make them." A leader had such power, there was nothing stopping Chilledstar from sending away cats who proved detrimental to them or ShadowClan; no one had to die unless they were a threat.
She thinks of Hawktail, wonders vaguely if the black and white feline had ever put two-and-two together on what became of that wretched thing, but she decides it best to continue playing ignorant. It wasn't like she intended to make a habit of it or anything. Hopefully.

The torbie gave a scoff to their insistence to give them a good smack on the head, but it was more a playful sound than one of genuine disgust, "Well! I hope your head is hard in that case, I am not gentle." A paw raised, she flexed her toes and turned it before miming swatting at the air as if preparing to practice bashing their new leaders skull in when necessary.
She was not entirely convinced, but somehow or another she did feel significantly less concerned. It was not a great weight so suddenly removed, but a slow trickle of it she felt alleviating bit by bit; perhaps she would be proven wrong. Time would tell.
"...that is enough for me." A rare proper smile formed across her maw, not her usually snide smirks or exaggerated grins, "Thank you. Do not forget you are not alone in this endeavor."
​