blue eyes & bloody nose [ crimson ]

[honey]

// cw: may contain future sensitive topics as the thread goes on

Skyclan, she does not know why she is dwindling here, she needs to get back to Cinder and check on her and her kits, catch prey and provide for them; theres a tug in her heart as she stands there, right on the Skyclan border. She has not crossed it, she would not risk it (everyones out for her head, and shes sure that crazed son of briarstar had told lies to everyone). Theres a puff of air that leaves her mouth as her body moves without her, settling heavily in to the ground. Back when things were simple. Back when all she had to worry about was the marsh group, how pathetic. A broken laugh leaves her lips as she clutches her head with her paws, trying to keep the thoughts out to no avail.

Being back here, it reminds her of her kids, of the position she had lost (she had only tried to drag Bone back, did no one understand, no one tried to), of Pollen, of the shattered pieces of her. She wasn't Honeytwist, medicine cat of Windclan anymore, she wasn't Fritter the pine warrior, she was Honey the utter disappointment. With nothing left to lose, and if there was a Skyclan patrol she'd let them shred her to pieces, she begins to sob, broken, keening, hurting.

If only she had done things differently.
// @CRIMSONBITE
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"speech"​

 

[Lionsnarl]

"LIFE DOESN'T DISCRIMINATE BETWEEN THE SINNERS AND THE SAINTS"​

He doesn't know why he continues to come out this far. There's nothing for him here but stale scents of other cats, cats who are nameless to him or should be left nameless. The cats of the other clans, made up of pine and marsh soldiers and their assorted merry bands of rogues and sycophants. He thinks of Sootstar then, and his claws slide out of their sheathes at the very inkling. Sootstar. Murderer. Sootstar and her...

...medicine cat.

The golden tom had not attended the last few gatherings. He didn't want to see her standing beside that thing, that callous dog that killed Haze. He didn't want to see her simper behind her mad-woman of a leader. He didn't want to search for her cornflower and golden eyes and find only disappointment if he saw nothing flicker in them when their gazes met. He didn't go. Nobody questioned him. Nobody told him.

A cry breaks his reverie. A moan of pain stippled by aching sobs. His ears flatten against his head against the sound but out of morbid curiosity, he creeps closer, and then freezes.

There. There in the moonlight, curling in on herself, was the source of his ire. She seemed almost unhinged in her wailing, nothing like the soft bon-bon girl he had known in the pine group but it was:

"Fritter."​

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[honey]

Fritter.

She almost throws up. Bile rises in her throat, it takes all she could to not run (its not like she could, shes accepted her death). Two-toned eyes, they rise to meet the voice and her blood runs cold, ears flattening against her skulls and she cant stop the tears from coming down her cheeks, can't stop the hiccups and the whimpers that fall from her lips.

"T-Tugger." her voice shakes, it shakes and she knows how pathetic she looks, something once grand gone through trials and tribulations from the stars, ultimately ending up a mess. Run, run, run. It taunts her, her own mind. She throws her head back, and through the tears, she laughs, and laughs, and shes not sure if she even feels like herself anymore.

What was she supposed to say? I got exiled, surprise! or even sorry, I left our kids back there because I was convinced I would die by now! Geez, she has really, really messed up big time, and she can't find it in her to hate anyone but herself and the very star called destiny she was given. "They- They're okay." it doesn't sound like reassurance for him, but rather herself, and for once she finally realizes how hopeless Cinder feels. They never wanted me there in the first place! Pupils narrow to pinpoint clawmarked slits and through her breakdown she feels like a rabid prey animal, closed off, no where to go. Was this the Star's very destiny for her, to be mocked? For her to live her life in misery, over and over?

"Fritter isn't my name anymore. I'm not, i'm not her. I don't deserve to be her."
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"speech"​

 

[Lionsnarl]

"LIFE DOESN'T DISCRIMINATE BETWEEN THE SINNERS AND THE SAINTS"​

They're okay. Their children. Her children. He's reminded suddenly of the night she told him she was expecting. The closeness he had felt with her. How much he loved her. Seven little kits she had taken with her, seven little kittens he would never get to meet. He doesn't even know what to say, can't even form the thoughts to make the words flow from brain to tongue.

He takes her in for a moment, her mirthless laughter, her ceaseless tears. Some part of his mind urges him forward. Go to her, comfort her, tell her -

"You left me." What comes out isn't comfort but his own hurt and betrayal. "After that battle. I lost my brother and my friend - our friends, our family. We both did awful things but you -" Cerulean and gold dart around him. She looks so scared, he shouldn't be rounding on her but his fur puffs out at the very memory. "You said you loved me and within a fucking hour, you were gone. Is that all I was worth to you? You didn't explain, you didn't -" Anger bubbles up in him, real palpable anger and he turns away, choosing to instead sink his claws into his matted chest fur to keep himself from lashing out at her.

I'm not her. I don't deserve to be her. He looks at her again, pointedly. "You chose your clan. What are you doing here now?"​

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[honey]

cw for slight suicidal ideations wooowowoowewe
He rounds her like a rabid dog and her fur stands on edge, a warning growl rumbles in her throat (why am I fighting, why am I fighting it, why, why, why). He accuses her, something she should have expected, and it takes her off guard and all of the sudden shes back to the medicine cat meeting, the day where she chose her path for once. Eyes slide to her claws and for a second she sees it, tufts of black fur, tinged with red. She nearly shrieks but she doesn't, instead she reels back.

"I DIDN'T CHOOSE ANYTHING!" her voice rips from her throat in a screech, a frenzy and in her own fantasy she feels liberated, finally getting out her anger (I don't deserve it, I don't). She stands and her fur is all bushed out, and she spits back with fury and venom. "I'm TIRED of cats saying I chose this! I didn't! I had no choice in the matter!" the tears start up again. "You don't understand, Sootstar wouldn't let me come back to Skyclan, get my things, I HAD to leave!" she bites her lip hard enough to draw blood.

Once a fool, she'd always be a fool.

"I gave up everything, I gave up the safety of our kits because I had no choice. They, the stars, I saw Marigold, I saw him, the poor boy- he told me, I-" she steps back. Her worlds crashing around her, and if the previous guilt didn't knock her off her paws, then this would. "I'm sorry, but I had no choice." she sobs, and sobs. "I would have given up everything in that moment to be the Skyclan medicine cat, just so I didn't have to raise our kits in a clan that hated my guts." she raises her chin, shes shaking. "End it, then." she reverses her step back, steps forwards instead.

How she wished she could turn back time, how she wished she could slump in to death, but she had... Salamander, she was expecting her to come back tonight.

"I could not explain. I had no time to explain. I had to fight Sootstar every step of the way and look where it got me! Exiled! I've given everything, haven't I given enough? They still look down on me. I'm looked upon as a crazed bastard!" shes so tired, so tired... Sleep, she wants sleep, she wants to curl up besides Pollen (god how she misses her, a mistake, over and over, repeated endlessly). It hurt, to see the man she forced herself to get over, to see the father of her kits.

He deserved an answer, however, and Honey just hopes that the answer she gave was enough. "I'm sorry." and so she repeats it, trying her best to calm herself. Its all she can say, for uprooting not only her life, but his and their kits.
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"speech"​

 

[Lionsnarl]

He wants to slash at her, he wants to make her feel how worthless she made him feel. He wants her to understand, he wants to curse her name and her stupid excuses and apologies. He wants to spit in her face and tell her it's not good enough, it will never be good enough, she is a liar and a traitor -

and she steps closer. They are nose to nose, bristling under the weight of each other's traumas, crumbling under the pain they've suffered. They are cracking together but so so so separately. He stiffens as she steps closer. Don't come near me, I'll hurt you, I'll-

In truth, he does nothing but search for the woman he used to know. He still longs for her, but the excuses and distance still grips him, still tears at him. He should be gentle, he should be understanding, he should -

He turns away from her. "You say you didn't have a choice, but unless those demons we call Stars possessed you and drug your living corpse, you always had a choice. And now you got yourself exiled by a murderer, congratulations! Now what happens to our children?" His anxiety spikes and he's in her face again, voice high and eyes blown out in fear.

"What now? Am I supposed to sit here and let that thing destroy my family more than she already has? You tell me you're sorry like I haven't dreamt about you every single night, like I haven't prayed to make sure my children were at least cared for, that I would live long enough to meet them at least and you come to me with an 'I'm sorry?'"

His heart jackhammers away in his chest. "I can't leave them there, they won't be another Ha-" Hot, angry tears spring up and he hisses madly in response to his body's reaction. He's shaking now, angry and anxious and terrified for the family he couldn't even have.

 

[honey]

He's in her face, he's in her face and anger sparks and hes accusing her. In a click of the moment, it all falls together, and Honey's fury is righteous in nature. "You should be glad I don't sink my teeth in to your throat." unbridled rage shows through her strained hiss, and for once, Honey knows she deserves to be respected (if i can't get that, I will do so by fear). All apologies are out the window at the flip of the switch, shes unhinged, broken, claws dig in to the ground as she stands tall, looking down on him (her size makes it easy, after all). "Get the fuck out of my face, Tugger."

Shes shaking again and murder, injury, its on her mind, oh Stars what has become of her? When did this happen, why did they let this happen? She has been pushed to her breaking point over ands over again, she can't take it, she can't, not any longer, it hurts, her chest hurts. "You- YOU!" its another outburst, screeched, torn from worn vocal chords once more. "I have been a pushover for far too long, and you're not gonna get me this time." another warning growl. Her heart feels like its beating out of her chest and blood roars in her ears."And you're saying you didn't even BOTHER to follow me to Windclan! I did my absolute best to find work arounds!" she stomps her paw like a child.

"Pollen has them. Pollen isn't going to let her hurt them. I have spent my damn life atoning for the sins I have done and by the Stars, don't add another." her paws plant firmly to the ground as her fur bristles. Everything screams at her and her mind is so loud, its all jumbled, theres screams that she cannot pinpoint. Her vision blurs in and out, if he's speaking then it has been long drowned out.

Shes truly slipped off the deep end this time.

"Their names, Marigold, Lemon, Melon. I have a son, Bumble. After screaming at me, you should be lucky I gave you their names." she speaks as if she hadn't done the same, grumbling under her breath as she steps back. "This isn't going anywhere. I- I need to get back to Salamander, shes expecting me... Shes expecting me." she forces her fur flat, breathing heavily, her voice hoarse. Her kits, she doesn't - she needs me.

Selfish, selfish, it echoes in her head over and over. I think I deserve to be selfish for once. Selfless her whole life, and this is where it got her.

"We both fucked up." she knows she has. She knows it so well, feels it in the ache of her bones.

If only, if only her thoughts would calm down, please, she couldn't think straight.
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"speech"​

 

[Lionsnarl]

"LIFE DOESN'T DISCRIMINATE BETWEEN THE SINNERS AND THE SAINTS"​

His tail thrashes back and forth and for a moment his vision flashes red - bitch! selfish, entitled cu- - she is yelling at him now, screeching and he can't think. She's loud and angry and the forest floor is blood-soaked, coating his paws, coating his tongue, he can taste the cat's sickly sweet blood on his teeth, can still feel the - he tries blinking the memory away but it only shifts and -

Deersong cowers before him, her doe-bright eyes wide with fear rather than wonder. Crimson wells up on her cheek, crimson crimson crimson crimson Crimsonbite. He is a warrior of SkyClan, breathe in, one, two - YOU! You're a fucking murderer demon devil killer killer kill her -

The ginger tom staggers back, his maw etched into a snarl, eyes blown wide. The conversation had devolved into a battleground in his own mind and though the she-cat had settled into a more defeated grumble, he can't lower his own guard. He registers the names of his children vaguely. Salamander. It's a name he knew but could not ping in his state. His own breathing catches in his throat, fire shooting through his lungs as he struggles to keep a steady supply of air. He shudders and without another word, he turns bottle-brush-tail into the underbrush, the ghosts in his vision continuing to haunt him beyond his former mate's comprehension even as he runs away from her.

<exit>​

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