private Broken hearted // Owlpaw

[SUNSPARK]

Sunpaw misses him. This day has sucked. It's been bad enough dealing with the aftermath of feeling rage, then embarrassment, then something else equally as terrible; it's bad enough that people feel the need to check up on her, with varying levels of I'm glad I'm not you written on their faces. It's bad enough that the threats of warriors and deputy and leader alike still ring in her head like a fuzzy echo of a memory- it all sucks.

And a good part of it is her fault. For once in her life she only has herself to blame for the exact way things had turned out, and she hasn't even been in complete control of her body or her mind even it has happened but it hasn't mattered. She had still intended to hit Foxtail. She had still intended to scream and tell at him. She hated him. Maybe she'd always hate him.

But it was still her fault she lost Owlpaw, and that had left a gasping wound in her chest all day. She had gone about her activities silent and sulking and avoiding everyone as often as she could. She ate her meals alone, worked alone as much as she could but somehow, this would have to change. Somehow this would be normal again and she was terrified of what that meant.

The only thing they couldn't take away was the fact they slept in the same den together. Her paws drag her, heavy, towards it at the end of the day. She's intentionally waited until late, until maybe more cats would be asleep, so that when she finally gets there and the tears in her eyes start to fall, the only cat who would get to know is Owlpaw. Because their nests are still together, and she shoves her face into his side as she collapses into her space.

// @owlpaw.

​

 

[owlcrest]

In his head, it wasn't her fault but his. He just didn't do as much as he thought. His paws weren't sore- he was just a spoiled Riverclan born apprentice. That's what his conversation felt like with Hemlockshine at least. From getting yelled at by all the leads it seemed in Riverclan, to being dragged outside of camp and yelled at by his mentor.

I already feel like shit- thanks for making it worse, Hemlockshine. But call it smart, or whatever. He just didn't speak. His energy was drained even now, as he settled in his den, tearing up his nest till it was just a mess underneath him. And the thoughts wouldn't leave.

I didn't choose to be born here. He had thought as his mentor bore into him. Hell, he didn't even choose to be born the way he was. Why couldn't he just- be like everyone else? Why couldn't he be someone Riverclan was proud of.

Act like a warrior- he could scoff. They'd be lucky if he stayed that long. So many times as he was sent to bed he wanted to just leave before Sunpaw came back. So many times, he edged his way and cast a glance out of camp, imagining what it would be like with, well, no rules. With no one. By himself.

But it was that care for Sunpaw he stayed. As his chin rested on his paws, and sleeping apprentices lay beside him, his own heart hammered in his chest. His own tears fell down his cheeks the longer Sunpaw didn't come back. Maybe she had the same idea and left. Was twolegs really that bad? He pondered.

But finally, the golden she cat pulled herself through the den, and collapsed with her own tear streaked faced, hiding it in his fur. "Sunpaw..." He murmurs, softly.

And for a moment, he considers not telling her, seeing how upset she already was, but it was as if his maw wanted to retaliate even against him. "I'm leaving. You- you should come with me. They don't need us here, they- they don't want us here." How could they?

​

 

[SUNSPARK]

He speaks so softly to hear even now, and her ears flick at the recognition of tears in his own voice. Ugh. They're both pathetic, aren't they. So stupid. They're both so stupid. If they had just shut their mouths, if she had shut her mouth, none of this would have happened. If Foxtail hadn't decided the best place to start a conversation was in front of the both of them, instead of asking her aside, none of this would have happened.

But it doesn't matter. Nothing matters right now when the first thing out of Owlpaw's mouth after her own name is that - he's leaving. Her heartbeat starts to race in her chest, a streak of panic that feels so subdued with everything else she's been feeling.

"Stupid Owl!" she says it into his fur, so it's mumbled, but she digs a paw out from under herself to lamely smack him in the side too.

Does she want to leave, after everything? There's a big part of her that wants to run away from it all - but that's not the same as wanting to leave RiverClan. She's mortified. She's hurt. She's not sure how she's ever going to live this down - she's going to go down in the books as some cat who caused one of the loudest arguments in the middle of camp and for what? Because she's a brat? Because they've been right this whole time?

...But it's the first place she promised herself could actually be home. It's the first place she's tried to make home. And sure, she's done one terrible job at it so far, but she hopes it's not impossible to call herself a RiverClanner. At least somehow. "We can't leave," she sniffs. "We're Riverclanners."
​

 

[owlcrest]

It was odd. Lichenstar had said Foxtail wanted to speak alone, but he didn't recall that at the beginning at all, just that he wanted to speak to her. And how was that alone, when Owlpaw was right there. Was he supposed to ignore the way he basically went after his friend, and accused her? How could he?

Stupid owl! And she goes to smack him, but it doesn't bring the smile to his maw as he only lowers his head in the shame he's been feeling all day. In the strange feeling of despair. Usually, he fought harder, but he didn't have the energy. His head turned away from her, flattening his ears in grief.

"Hemlockshine said I was a disappointment for being born a riverclanner. That I was wasting- that I was basically wasting everything they were teaching me. So what's the point, Sunpaw? To be a riverclanner when it means nothing when I finally do what they want me to do and work harder, just for none of it to be seen? Don't you- don't you feel hurt too, that we've worked so much harder, and- and it wasn't noticed?" He asked her, his voice dry, the frown tugging his lips before sighing.

His gaze of moss and ice would look towards her with a softness, but deep down there was only pain. He tried to hide it though, for her.

"It's all I've been thinking about today I guess. Leaving, with you. It..." His gaze drops to his nest torn apart and shredded beneath him. "Then no one can seperate us. Because, it hurts not being able to do anything with you. It's the stupidest thing they could've done. It's not a punishment, it's cruel."

​

 

[SUNSPARK]

Owl moves his head, but she's still buried in his fur so she can only guess what he's actually doing. She pushes herself closer, finding a better spot into his neck that she can push her face, because while tears exist in her eyes, no one can see her face. Becuase maybe, if she keeps pushing herself into his bubble, if she keeps him around, then he won't leave. It's a thought that has her stomach turn into a pit.

But then Owlpaw's talking, and she listens. Hemlockshine. What a grouchy pants of a cat. And he's really asking her, what's the point - what's the point? She had thought that briefly in the moments of her punishment, but it was never about being a RiverClanner. She can't say Owlpaw is wrong. They do work hard. They've been working really hard, and it's unfair that they're not being noticed for it. "You're really going to believe Hemlockshine?" she mews. "He's a jerk," she adds and maybe it does not favors to what she was just talked to about or her punishment to speak of a Clanmate in that way, but really... He wasn't a good fit for Owlpaw. She wasn't sure if he was really a fit mentor for anyone. At least with Foxtail...

Ugh, Foxtail.

She's quiet for a while, thinking through too many things at the same time that Owlpaw's question flicks in and out of her brain. "We're not the only ones that have worked hard," she has to admit it. She does. They've all been working their tails off, but, "It's not fair... but I don't care about that," maybe Owl does and that's fair but-

Her stomach turns again. He's... really thinking about it? It doesn't feel real. "...What do you think's out there, Owlpaw?" she mews slowly after a long pause. She slowly lifts her head up out of his fur to peer at him in the darkness. "It's... leafbare soon, Owl. And... being loners?" sure, she had spent most of her memorable life as a kittypet, but there was one thing she knew - "Out there... you're nothing. There's... there's no prey pile, there's no medicine cat, there's no elders telling stupid stories, there's no... no friends." It's a realization she already knew, but one she only acknowledges for real in this moment. "I don't... want to be nothing again, Owlpaw. I can't. You can't leave."
​

 

[owlcrest]

feel the rain on your skin

He took a lot to heart that he shouldn't have. Lichenstar requests in her scolding to not open his jaws, and neither does. And he won't. If she wants him to shut up, he will. He won't talk to them- he won't talk to her. And the disappointment in everyone's faces- he refused all day to even look at anyone. Because why should he? Why should he be here. Where he feels he's not wanted anymore, where he doesn't feel appreciated.

He wasn't good enough to save his mentor- and he was given Hemlockshine as a form of punishment. It made sense to him. He didn't do enough for his mentor, and even as Beefang said never do that again, he knows she was wrong. He should've done more. It should've been me, not him. He thinks sourly, frowning. But he would never voice that aloud.

Hell never voice anything aloud.

And as Sunpaw calls Hemlockshine a jerk, he doesn't say anything. Because the toms right. He was wasting everything, right? He should know better- he should be better. But he's not. He's just Owlpaw. They must forget that he's not a warrior- he's just an apprentice. They both are. And they both were trying their damnedest. But it wasn't enough.

His head curls to rest his chin on Sunpaws head, burying her face into his fur, pressing tear streaked cheeks into his neck, and he sighs. But I feel like nothing here, in my own home.

"I'll try. To stay." He says, his voice cracking in a painful way as he goes against everything he believed for the past few hours. "But the pain? The cruelty? I'll never be a warrior. They want to change me, they want to change you. I hate them. I hate Riverclan." He says bitterly, before sighing, tail pulling closer to their curled bundle. Sure it was about to be leafbare, but he could survive it. He believed in himself, he could make his own fresh kill pile. He could learn medicine. Others did it, why couldn't he?

"Not really, I'm just mad. And i, I have never felt so angry. And I don't know what to do. I never asked for this! I never wanted to be- be-," he clamped his jaws shut, gritting his teeth till he felt they could crack under the pressure like he was.

"Well never be able to see a waking day with each other. And it's Foxtails fault. Apparently, interrupting people isn't rude. Foxtail doesn't know anything." He mumbled, paws kneading more into the strewns of his nest.

"What are we supposed to do?"

​

ฅ^._.^ฅ :owl:

• 
  

  

  
  

  
  Owlpaw
  Riverclan Apprentice | Mentored by: Hemlockshine
  Gender: amab, he/him
  Personality: Little Brother Vibes, Hides pain with humor, Competitive, Loyal, Confused easy, Not the smartest tool in the shed.
  Physical: Easy | Mentally: Medium
  May start a fight | will not flee | will show mercy
  Peaceful power play allowed!
  Penned by Deidre
  ​

 

[SUNSPARK]

This mood is weird. This isn't normally how they spend their time together. Even when they're feeling down, it isn't this... stifled, this somber. They can usually still make a joke, maybe annoy the other a little bit, but something in this quiet space of the den is smothering.

Sunpaw takes a deep breath of Owlpaw's scent and tries to let it comfort her. It works, for a second. But then the second's over. I'll try. What... What? Owlpaw's voice is cracking too, and if she wasn't already staring at him she certainly would be now. Her entire nose scrunches in confusion. She... can't say that she disagrees with what he says. They are trying to change them - they want Sunpaw to be less abrasive, they want Owlpaw to listen more, but... "But... I don't..." She feels his tail, and slowly sets her chin back down on his shoulder. "I don't... always want to be this angry, Owlpaw," she murmurs softly between them. "It... hurts to be that angry. I told you that." Ugh. It's so complicated. "I don't want them to say that.. I can't have my own opinion or that... I can't say things, obviously, but..."

"I chose RiverClan. I did. Not some twoleg, not some random cat, I did." And Owlpaw's getting mad now, more mad than Sunpaw has ever seen him, and she presses her chin a little deeper against his body. "It wasn't fair," she admits. "You work hard, and you're a good RiverClanner. Cats like you."

But then there's this. Which must mean that Owl's not done the thinking to know that they'll never see a waking day with eachother until they're warriors. If they're made into warriors, or warriors on time at all. It pricks in her chest, at sore spots that have been overworked and abused today with her high-strung emotions and it suffers a sigh out of her body. She... won't tell him. Not tonight. "I don't know, Owlpaw. I really don't."

"But... you can't leave." me, she almost said. You can't leave me, but something stops her at the last second. She's not sure why, but the sentiment is the same. "You have to do more than try."​

 

[owlcrest]

feel the rain on your skin

I don't want to be this angry. He didn't see how she was angry, not at all- he felt they deserved what came of Sunpaw! He felt she was justified, considering that , that he didn't feel they were in the wrong at all! But it was the sadness in her voice.

His heart- such a different place than his mind, plead him to listen to her. Plead him to consider that she wasn't coming with... Because she chose and wanted to be here. A soft sigh escaped him, resting his chin down closer to her head- trying so hard to be supportive of her feelings too.

He can stew in anger, but he... Didn't want Sunpaw to bear witness to that anger. She deserved better. Deserved... More. And he expected an 'idiot' thrown his way, a playful tone encompassing it- but it seemed neither could bare that type of energy. But how could they? How was he expected to be like that after this?

So instead, he stewed. And he wanted to ask why, but as he opened his mouth instead, he breathed Sunpaws scent and sighed. "Okay," he said, unsure what else to say. "Okay..." He breathed quieter, his heart gripped tightly in his chest." Then... We have to show them we belong... Or something. I don't think they think that right now.. I don't know. But I'm tired after today, and, I've never felt so tired." He admitted, chewing on his cheek in a form of... Anxiety that clawed his stomach.

"I don't think you're that angry, or unjustified. I think.. the only real thing was.. trying to fight foxtail." His gaze searched the ground. Opening, shutting his mouth as he for once thought. "What... Made you that angry..?" He asked, mismatched eyes looking to her gently.

​

ฅ^._.^ฅ :owl:

• 
  

  

  
  

  
  Owlpaw
  Riverclan Apprentice | Mentored by: Hemlockshine
  Gender: amab, he/him
  Personality: Little Brother Vibes, Hides pain with humor, Competitive, Loyal, Confused easy, Not the smartest tool in the shed.
  Physical: Easy | Mentally: Medium
  May start a fight | will not flee | will show mercy
  Peaceful power play allowed!
  Penned by Deidre
  ​

 

[SUNSPARK]

Owlpaw gives in to her so easily and part of her wants to ask why. The other part is afraid to know why he would so easily just abandon his desire to leave so long as she said no. Did he understand the undertone of her words? That'd be terrifying. Or maybe he really doesn't want to leave somewhere deep down and side and she's giving him a convenient excuse not to. Who knows.

But their anger is simmering down from a boil and she finds herself nestling closer and closer, pressing herself as close as she can without literally crawling on top of her friend. It was a good thing he had already decided to move their nests together before all of this had happened. "How do we do that?" she questions, though it's generic. Tired, though. That she can agree with easily. They had made... a lot of decisions today, not all of them choice ones and even she can admit that. "You've got a big mouth, Owlpaw," she murmurs. It's meant to be a joke but she's not quite sure if it lands. He said a lot of stuff even she might not have, but he's always been more honest about his words than she is. She just picks the ugly ones. "It's... okay. They can't ban us from being warriors forever. And if they do, then... we'll revisit your idea." There's other Clans out there after all. If they intend to drag this punishment out further than the two moons it already is, even Sunpaw will have to come to question some things about her choices.

But then there's this question slowly starting to form and Sunpaw sighs. Then groans into Owlpaw's fur. Reflecting back on everything that had happened just makes her cringe. Sure she had been right, at least in some ways, but she had also been really stupid. Embarrassing. It was all so embarrassing, and she buries her face further into Owlpaw's fur before she can get the words mumbled out.

"I got... scared. I don't know," she really doesn't. So much of it now is just a blur, a wash of feelings and colors that's as soft as stepping a paw into a calm stream. It barely pushes against her, even though she knows the force that could have been behind it. "I just... saw red. I was thinking the whole time that I just needed... to get rid of him. So I could have control. That... he was taking things away from me." It sounds so kit-ish now, saying it out loud. Maybe it is. "I really... wanted to hurt him then. Isn't that awful?"​

 

[owlcrest]

feel the rain on your skin

"I Don't know. I really don't know. I wish I did but," a paw dragged to press against his head, rubbing pads against the center of his forehead. Why did thinking always hurt? And finally she does poke a jab, or something of the like, paw setting down a bit too hard and eyebrows narrowing as he rears back slightly. "Wait- what?" He asked, ears flattening. As if to test her theory, he pressed a paw around his jaws. "I do not have a big mouth! i- I," he just seems baffled before jabbing at her with a paw. "I'm trying to be serious Sunpaw. You can't just go saying that!"

He lets out a scoff, settling his muzzle back into her fur as if hiding an insecurity. "They better not. I'll, kinda be sad." He couldn't imagine going out to be a rogue with the name "owlpaw". Could he just drop it to Owl? Would he remember to?

But finally, she comes to answer. "Fear .. is a..." He searches over her fur that puffs up with the cold. "Weird thing. When I was scared, I, when my mentor- But I wasn't mad at my mentor. I wanted to, save him. And I was willing to sacrifice myself for that. Isn't that what a warrior is? Protecting your clan with your last breath, or until you grow old and crazy?" His words were as jambled as his brain was, almost going cross eyed as he searched for answers. "I can see why they're upset about that, but the rest of it? I wish we could ask why. But instead they get all- mad. And ugh. I just don't understand it!"

He shook his head. "But you're not awful, Sunpaw. And I don't, I don't like hearing you say that about yourself."

​

ฅ^._.^ฅ :owl:

• 
  

  

  
  

  
  Owlpaw
  Riverclan Apprentice | Mentored by: Hemlockshine
  Gender: amab, he/him
  Personality: Little Brother Vibes, Hides pain with humor, Competitive, Loyal, Confused easy, Not the smartest tool in the shed.
  Physical: Easy | Mentally: Medium
  May start a fight | will not flee | will show mercy
  Peaceful power play allowed!
  Penned by Deidre
  ​

 

[SUNSPARK]

"If we don't already belong, then what are we doing?" she expands. Why try then? Why fight, why survive, why keep going if they really were such outsiders? The reality is, as Sunpaw's been pondering the last few days, maybe they're not at all. But then Owlpaw's entire expression changes as she says this, and she can't help but snort."It's an expression, Owlpaw, relax," she says with a roll of her eyes, but she's also laughing a little bit too.

"Well... We have less than what, half a moon left?" she wagers with a small tilt of her head. She does at least. Next... Next meeting, that's it for her. Can she really still be hanging in the shadow of all of this when she's no longer got a 'paw attached to her name? It makes her sigh.

Fear. It does come in a lot of forms doesn't it. And as she listens to Owlpaw talk, she pushes a few stones out of her way as they walk, letting them clatter as she kicks them out of the way. "Well... That's what they tell us. And I think that's what a lot of the cats here would do. We'd die for each other. Sounds pretty heroic. Or maybe stupid, I don't know." She really doesn't have a better answer for him than that. "...I don't get it either," she concludes.

"I don't think they'll give us an answer we want," she says anyway. "And I never said I was awful, just that... what I was thinking was awful." But it's sweet of him anyway, and in her next step or two, she shifts her weight to give him a soft push with her shoulder.

"I've been... thinking that maybe I should... apologize to Foxtail. For trying to hit him. And... probably some other stuff too." She says it with length, her gaze stuck ahead as she walks alongside. It's easier to talk with Owlpaw, who won't judge anything she says or considers. Even if she has a feeling he might be kind of surprised to hear her say it. "Since we're becoming warriors soon, we're supposed to be... adults or something, right? I've been thinking that's what adults do. Apologize for stuff."​