- Sep 4, 2024
- 55
- 15
- 8
// Thank you for celebrating 50 posts of Sunpaw with me!
I'll reply if anyone wishes to interact with Sunpaw in this moment, otherwise I hope you all have been enjoying my little gremlin child so far, and I look forward to much more!
tl;dr: Sunpaw has been walking/running around the beech copse for most of the evening trying to avoid impulsive/intrusive thoughts about leaving or not belonging in RiverClan. She manifests the idea of seeing her mother, and goes after her, only to slip and fall in the mud and have SadGirl Hours about it. In a way, it's her accepting one path versus another, fighting both logic and emotion.
// // // //
Another home, displaced.
It was funny. For a long time she had thought of RiverClan as a reward. That, for being among the kittypet cats that had helped some of these warriors make it back home, she had some right to be included, because she had proven herself worthy of it. She had thought for sure that this place had become her home, that she had integrated just fine into the Clan-cat life, despite the occasional whisperings of her being a kittypet or worse. But it hadn't really sunk in, everything that had happened. Maybe it was because it was so shocking, because the loss and the misery of it was so insurmountable that she just couldn't wrap her head around it, like it was happening to someone else and not herself, not the people around her. But it was after the search patrols. After their attempts to start rebuilding themselves that... the thought can't finish itself.
Another home, torn out of her paws only this time it was still... here. It wasn't a twoleg, ripping her away from her mother; it wasn't her choice, abandoning everything on a whim in the vauge hopes it would be something better than what she had, and yet. It sits heavy in her chest, an uncertain web of feelings that she doesn't even know how to process. Is she afraid? Sad? Stressed? Angry? It doesn't feel like anything and honestly that scares her more. Normally she would feel that red hot anger over an injustice. It would drive her, even if it was too much. So why does she feel nothing right now? Why does she belong here? Why is she still here when others got swept away by the water? Why does she care? It's like her head is in two places, one where she knows the reasonably she belongs here, the other that's already preparing for the world in which she has to leave this place behind. It's not a cognizant thought in her mind, only one that makes her paws feel weird as she pads along the Beech copse.
Her body wants to move. She hasn't even attempted to sleep tonight, only walked circles around and around the outline of this strange little temporary camp they've made. She's already thwarted Owlpaw at least twice, snapped at anyone else who came close to leave her alone and let her walk, started yelling the more that they tried - she just has to move. At once point her walking turned into a light jog; then a run. Then back to walking. Repeat. The feeling prickling across her fur doesn't leave her. If anything it just gets worse, tingling until it's annoyance. A physical annoyance that she can't shake.
Her third living place in what is officially ten moons of her life. And yet it's the home that she's been the most physically and mentally aware of. When she got taken by the Twolegs, she had been a few moons shy of what was apprentice age here. Old enough to be aware but, life with the Twolegs was... stagnant. Locked up in their strange nest with no way out, a cramped space that often had her sleeping her days away with little meaning. She remembered some things about it; the strange Twolegs, the objects they used. A few rare times where she had been let out of their nest, to quickly figure out that if she wanted freedom she had to stay close, to do what she thought the Twolegs wanted. Jumping into puddles. Getting muddy - subsequently getting bathed in a strange metal tub in the Twoleg's counter. The water had been a novelty, she went back to it time and time again.
It had been familiar too. The smell of the river; it takes her even further back, to her time as a kitten. A time she barely remembers. Her mother's face is nonexistant in her head now. She doesn't even know if she had siblings. What she does remember is vague, that at this point it could be her own mind making it up, trying to fill in the blanks. But it's getting harder and harder the older she gets. Her time in RiverClan, when she joined old enough to be an apprentice - this is really the only time she's felt... alive.
Something flashes at the edge of her vision and everything in her body stops. A chill runs down her spine. "Mama?" Her chest is heaving with breaths - how long has she been walking? What time is it even? Her head swings up to the sky. Through the clearing of the trees she can see the moon, starting to climb high into the sky. She's been so wrapped in her own thoughts. In an instant decision she steps down onto her left front paw with her right; she can feel the pressure, so she's awake. So there's no way, it's just her mind playing tricks on her. And even as she can take herself through the logical line of thought, she feels her heart pounding anyway, aching; and against every ounce of her better judgement she turns, looking out towards the edges of their temporary camp.
She had seen somebody. Maybe it was just the shifting shadows of the trees, of the changing sky - the river.
If her mother was here, Sunpaw figures, it'd be at the water. Down the currents that change so much, that could take her right out of here if she wanted. And she knows - oh, she knows - that leaving the camp is a stupid idea. But her paws are tingling too badly to ignore it. She breaks the circled path she's maintained the last who knows how long and extends it outwards back towards their camp. She's not thinking, just moving. From a walk, into a jog, into a run, ignoring the burn in her muscles, chasing the shadow that she sees every time she blinks her eyes in the moonlight.
But if she really thinks about it: she doesn't remember her mom. Doesn't remember the color of her fur, doesn't remember what she smells like. Only remembers a shred of her voice, calling her name. Sunny. The ground beneath her feet is soft from the floodwaters, squishing with moisture that didn't exist just a few days earlier. The scent of wet earth fills her nose.
She's chasing a phantom.
Air gasps into her lungs when her paw catches on a slick patch in the earth. Her shoulder twists underneath her as she crashes to the earth. She tastes mud in her mouth as her face hits the ground. Her lungs are still heaving - she didn't even get that far from camp, and somehow the only thing she can do is throw her head back into the mud and laugh bitterly. "Stupid. You're so stupid," she whispers to herself, her voice choking at the end of her words. "You don't deserve to be here." She mutters it under her own breath. It's soothing to say it as she pushes herself up out of the mud. She could still leave, right now. Get away from it before it's ripped out from under her again. She hisses through her teeth, turning her laughter into breaths, grimacing as she stands up. Her shoulder's... sore, but she can put weight on it. That's a good thing, right? "You're so stupid, Sunny. What do you think you're doing? Oh yeah, leave camp again. Get in trouble, again. What a great idea." Her voice drips with sarcasm for herself, reaching for the kindling embers of something sharp in her chest. Frustration, anger, anything but sadness. Anything but fear, or guilt, or uncertainty.
She throws her gaze over her shoulder. She didn't even get more than a couple dozen yards away from the camp. Even in the dim lighting, she can still see it. She can even still see a few cats milling about in the shadows. How embarrassing - no. She won't feel that. She won't, she won't. Her gaze swings back towards what would be the river, what would have been the old camp; where her mother might have been if things were different. A place where the mud now slips through her paws and makes everything feel so unsteady. "Ugh!" she yells it, sharply, as she kicks her paw against the mud, it splatters into her face. It makes her shoulder twinge but she doesn't care. The anger feels good, it smothers everything else in her chest. Until the only thing she feels is a familiar burn.
Her third place of living in ten moons but maybe... Just maybe it's home. Her first one.
How terrifying.
I'll reply if anyone wishes to interact with Sunpaw in this moment, otherwise I hope you all have been enjoying my little gremlin child so far, and I look forward to much more!
tl;dr: Sunpaw has been walking/running around the beech copse for most of the evening trying to avoid impulsive/intrusive thoughts about leaving or not belonging in RiverClan. She manifests the idea of seeing her mother, and goes after her, only to slip and fall in the mud and have SadGirl Hours about it. In a way, it's her accepting one path versus another, fighting both logic and emotion.
// // // //
Another home, displaced.
It was funny. For a long time she had thought of RiverClan as a reward. That, for being among the kittypet cats that had helped some of these warriors make it back home, she had some right to be included, because she had proven herself worthy of it. She had thought for sure that this place had become her home, that she had integrated just fine into the Clan-cat life, despite the occasional whisperings of her being a kittypet or worse. But it hadn't really sunk in, everything that had happened. Maybe it was because it was so shocking, because the loss and the misery of it was so insurmountable that she just couldn't wrap her head around it, like it was happening to someone else and not herself, not the people around her. But it was after the search patrols. After their attempts to start rebuilding themselves that... the thought can't finish itself.
Another home, torn out of her paws only this time it was still... here. It wasn't a twoleg, ripping her away from her mother; it wasn't her choice, abandoning everything on a whim in the vauge hopes it would be something better than what she had, and yet. It sits heavy in her chest, an uncertain web of feelings that she doesn't even know how to process. Is she afraid? Sad? Stressed? Angry? It doesn't feel like anything and honestly that scares her more. Normally she would feel that red hot anger over an injustice. It would drive her, even if it was too much. So why does she feel nothing right now? Why does she belong here? Why is she still here when others got swept away by the water? Why does she care? It's like her head is in two places, one where she knows the reasonably she belongs here, the other that's already preparing for the world in which she has to leave this place behind. It's not a cognizant thought in her mind, only one that makes her paws feel weird as she pads along the Beech copse.
Her body wants to move. She hasn't even attempted to sleep tonight, only walked circles around and around the outline of this strange little temporary camp they've made. She's already thwarted Owlpaw at least twice, snapped at anyone else who came close to leave her alone and let her walk, started yelling the more that they tried - she just has to move. At once point her walking turned into a light jog; then a run. Then back to walking. Repeat. The feeling prickling across her fur doesn't leave her. If anything it just gets worse, tingling until it's annoyance. A physical annoyance that she can't shake.
Her third living place in what is officially ten moons of her life. And yet it's the home that she's been the most physically and mentally aware of. When she got taken by the Twolegs, she had been a few moons shy of what was apprentice age here. Old enough to be aware but, life with the Twolegs was... stagnant. Locked up in their strange nest with no way out, a cramped space that often had her sleeping her days away with little meaning. She remembered some things about it; the strange Twolegs, the objects they used. A few rare times where she had been let out of their nest, to quickly figure out that if she wanted freedom she had to stay close, to do what she thought the Twolegs wanted. Jumping into puddles. Getting muddy - subsequently getting bathed in a strange metal tub in the Twoleg's counter. The water had been a novelty, she went back to it time and time again.
It had been familiar too. The smell of the river; it takes her even further back, to her time as a kitten. A time she barely remembers. Her mother's face is nonexistant in her head now. She doesn't even know if she had siblings. What she does remember is vague, that at this point it could be her own mind making it up, trying to fill in the blanks. But it's getting harder and harder the older she gets. Her time in RiverClan, when she joined old enough to be an apprentice - this is really the only time she's felt... alive.
Something flashes at the edge of her vision and everything in her body stops. A chill runs down her spine. "Mama?" Her chest is heaving with breaths - how long has she been walking? What time is it even? Her head swings up to the sky. Through the clearing of the trees she can see the moon, starting to climb high into the sky. She's been so wrapped in her own thoughts. In an instant decision she steps down onto her left front paw with her right; she can feel the pressure, so she's awake. So there's no way, it's just her mind playing tricks on her. And even as she can take herself through the logical line of thought, she feels her heart pounding anyway, aching; and against every ounce of her better judgement she turns, looking out towards the edges of their temporary camp.
She had seen somebody. Maybe it was just the shifting shadows of the trees, of the changing sky - the river.
If her mother was here, Sunpaw figures, it'd be at the water. Down the currents that change so much, that could take her right out of here if she wanted. And she knows - oh, she knows - that leaving the camp is a stupid idea. But her paws are tingling too badly to ignore it. She breaks the circled path she's maintained the last who knows how long and extends it outwards back towards their camp. She's not thinking, just moving. From a walk, into a jog, into a run, ignoring the burn in her muscles, chasing the shadow that she sees every time she blinks her eyes in the moonlight.
But if she really thinks about it: she doesn't remember her mom. Doesn't remember the color of her fur, doesn't remember what she smells like. Only remembers a shred of her voice, calling her name. Sunny. The ground beneath her feet is soft from the floodwaters, squishing with moisture that didn't exist just a few days earlier. The scent of wet earth fills her nose.
She's chasing a phantom.
Air gasps into her lungs when her paw catches on a slick patch in the earth. Her shoulder twists underneath her as she crashes to the earth. She tastes mud in her mouth as her face hits the ground. Her lungs are still heaving - she didn't even get that far from camp, and somehow the only thing she can do is throw her head back into the mud and laugh bitterly. "Stupid. You're so stupid," she whispers to herself, her voice choking at the end of her words. "You don't deserve to be here." She mutters it under her own breath. It's soothing to say it as she pushes herself up out of the mud. She could still leave, right now. Get away from it before it's ripped out from under her again. She hisses through her teeth, turning her laughter into breaths, grimacing as she stands up. Her shoulder's... sore, but she can put weight on it. That's a good thing, right? "You're so stupid, Sunny. What do you think you're doing? Oh yeah, leave camp again. Get in trouble, again. What a great idea." Her voice drips with sarcasm for herself, reaching for the kindling embers of something sharp in her chest. Frustration, anger, anything but sadness. Anything but fear, or guilt, or uncertainty.
She throws her gaze over her shoulder. She didn't even get more than a couple dozen yards away from the camp. Even in the dim lighting, she can still see it. She can even still see a few cats milling about in the shadows. How embarrassing - no. She won't feel that. She won't, she won't. Her gaze swings back towards what would be the river, what would have been the old camp; where her mother might have been if things were different. A place where the mud now slips through her paws and makes everything feel so unsteady. "Ugh!" she yells it, sharply, as she kicks her paw against the mud, it splatters into her face. It makes her shoulder twinge but she doesn't care. The anger feels good, it smothers everything else in her chest. Until the only thing she feels is a familiar burn.
Her third place of living in ten moons but maybe... Just maybe it's home. Her first one.
How terrifying.
