Closing the god damn door || Amber

[talonpaw.]

He didn't want to call it avoidance. He didn't avoid anything, or anyone. He just chose simply to keep to himself. To lay there in his nest as if nothing ever happened and he was simply resting. His paws tucked underneath him, and his head held up. His one blue eye shut, and besides the scars lining his face, and the ragged stretch of wounds through his back, he looked at peace, as if he had never fought a war just a few hours ago.

He didn't squirm in pain, (it hurt, he didn't want others to know that he hurt) rather to anyone who asked, passed it off as if it was no more than a thorn in his side. Talonpaw had faced pain. He had seen fear, he had his moments where even he let to his emotions. But he never cared to cry. A tear never left his body. The boy was seen to be neutral, and the rare sighting of a rabid badger, anger flooding through him. But it was only ever momentarily.

Talonpaws one blue eye opened at the sound of someone entering the den, and a smile curled his lips, almost laughing, if he ever did that. "You don't have to look at me as if I'm a ghost- it's nothin' , amberhaze. Just some rest, and I'll be good as new." It was a promise, rolling his shoulders before tucking in closer to himself.

@Amberhaze //
​

 

[Amberhaze]

⚛︎₊˚‧ If there was one thing that was inarguable about his apprentice, it was that he was exceptionally skilled at internalizing everything that could be bothering him. He was hard to read almost to a fault, and although Amberhaze had spent enough time alongside him to be able to decipher the little things, Talonpaw was oftentimes still just as unreadable as he had been since the day they had been paired. Nevertheless, this didn't seem to effect their relationship too much, the two of them having grown considerably close within the past few moons, which although was a positive thing in theory, it meant Amberhaze's anxieties and paranoid nature was on an everlasting high. He still felt responsible for what had happened to him their first moon together despite never daring to voice it aloud- not that he really needed to, for he was sure Talonpaw suspected as much- he did not want to force his apprentice to relive something that he should never have to endure again.

And yet, he felt that familiar crushing weight as the first time as he pushed himself silently into the medicine cat's den where he had been laid to rest for monitoring, his wounds having been deemed severe enough to need extra care. The sight of his apprentice who he had sworn to protect being wrapped tightly in a mass of poultices and cobwebs and barred from moving much more than a few inches at a time making his stomach wrench with emotion. I should have been there. Why wasn't I there? He knew why, but acknowledging it aloud would surely cement his subconscious realization that he was never truly fit to care for another, especially one so promising. He had protected an apprentice that wasn't even his own as opposed to Talonpaw, who he had poured everything he could into in hopes he would become something so much greater than he ever could be. Was it all for nothing? Was Amberhaze nothing more than a waste? A waste of time, energy, and effort? Were his teachings a waste? Should Talonpaw never see a promotion, it would be nobodies fault but his own, he knew, and the idea threatened to consume him whole.

"You don't have to look at me as if I'm a ghost- it's nothin' , amberhaze. Just some rest, and I'll be good as new." Talonpaw's lighthearted jibe did well to ground him, his unnaturally stretched eyes darting upwards to focus on his awaiting apprentice who he had almost forgotten was right in front of him.

"Oh- S-Sorry. I just...wanted to- uh- check on you." He had been doing this every day, and he was sure Talonpaw had some to expect his daily presence by now, and yet he still felt the need to explain himself. He didn't want to be bothersome, but his apprentice was his responsibility, and he felt obligated to care for him in whatever ways he could. "Um...H-How are you feeling? Can I get you anything? Uh- F-Food maybe? A drink? O-Or maybe...maybe something f-for your pain? Are you...in pain?" He shot off like a firecracker as he closed the gap between them, his voice gentle but urgent as he sat at the very edge of the nest, his neck craned to stare imploringly into the eyes of his student.

✧ ° . ⚠︎ . ° ✧​

ooc Information

• ooc: —
• 

  AMBERHAZE — HE/HIM ･ 19 MOONS ･ WARRIOR OF SHADOWCLAN ･ PENNED BY SLOANE

  black oriental shorthair. a short but lengthy black cat with a boney build and striking ocher eyes filled with unveiled trepidation.

 

[talonpaw.]

Always on edge. Always uneasy, he watched the shift, in the warrior- almost as if he forgot he was even here or what he was doing. But he let Amberhaze stumble over his words, lazily beginning to chew on a bent stem of something that Marblepaw gave him for pain. More so for the fact of simply chewing to hide his own anxiety that rumbled in his belly, threatening to spill out his worries. They'd be shoved back, eye blinking languidly as Amberhaze finished.

It was obvious to Talonpaw, with each word, that his mentor blamed himself. With the frequency of visits. With the way golden eyes lingered on his scars. " 'M fine, really." He tried to encourage, though his tone fell flat, normal. "There's others that need food more than me, 'n' I'm jus' lazin' 'bout like this," he said, a sigh escaping with a fog of breath, folding his paw over the other as Amberhaze rested himself on his nest.

" 'm jus' bored. It ain't really that bad, fer all this. Treatin' me like a baby."

​

 

[Amberhaze]

⚛︎₊˚‧ Amberhaze moved closer to his apprentice, not close enough to stifle his space, but enough for him to lower his voice and still be heard. His expression softened as he glanced around, as if he were intentionally avoiding Talonpaw's indifferent gaze. He knew there was more beneath that stoic surface, so many things in his young mind left unsaid for reasons he would never relay outwardly, and yet Amberhaze didn't have it in him to coax more out of him. Do you not want me here? The thought caused a pang of anxiety to shoot through his body, his claws unsheathing instinctively in response.

The lanky oriental would remain silent as he allowed Talonpaw to continue on with his insistence of being fine, that Amberhaze should not worry, to just leave him be and tend to anyone else. But he didn't care about anyone else right now, for all he knew, the entire world was null and void in comparison to Talonpaw. And himself, for whatever reason.

"There's others that need food more than me, 'n' I'm jus' lazin' 'bout like this." Amberhaze's saucer-wide eyes darted to the sprawled figure of his apprentice at the mention of food, suddenly realizing that he should have brought some anyways. To insert himself into this space with empty jaws was unbecoming, especially when the alternative was to barrage the younger of the two with the same repetitive question of are you okay? The answer would be the same every time, and Talonpaw would never accept any handouts willingly- he was much too proud- Amberhaze should have known. He should know better.

"You um- You're a part of t-this clan just as- as much as the rest of us. And uh..." He flinched as he heard the insufferable sound of his own teetering voice. I should say something more encouraging. What could even be said? Talonpaw was stubborn, and it would take more than just words to convince him to change his mind. Shaking his head, his gaze hardened just slightly- honestly, you probably wouldn't even be able to tell unless you had Amberhaze worked out in his entirety. He willed himself to be assertive. "No. You- You will take prey. That's t-the only way you'll- um- get better. Yeah."

Talonpaw had more to say, it seemed, though by this point Amberhaze had already gotten back onto his paws with the intention of bringing back something for his apprentice to eat. " 'm jus' bored. It ain't really that bad, fer all this. Treatin' me like a baby." Amberhaze would stall for only a moment, his back turned to Talonpaw so that he was unable to see the expression of building stress and uncertainty that sat heavily within the deepened creases of his face. There would be no response from him this time, instead only the twitch of a spindly tail as his sickly looking frame slunk out of the den.

✧ ° . ⚠︎ . ° ✧​

ooc Information

• ooc: he's gonna come back don't worry <3
• 

  AMBERHAZE — HE/HIM ･ 19 MOONS ･ WARRIOR OF SHADOWCLAN ･ PENNED BY SLOANE

  black oriental shorthair. a short but lengthy black cat with a boney build and striking ocher eyes filled with unveiled trepidation.

 

[talonpaw.]

Talonpaw wanted him there. But he was so stubborn against having emotions, it affected with his relationship with his mentor. And it clearly affected it now. But Talonpaw wasn't quick with emotions. Even his mentors. Aloof to the knowledge of anxiety, even with a slight bit of his own twisting in his stomach as his mentor stood, looking down on him with saucer eyes- of worry wracking the toms limbs.

Stutters spill forward, You're a part of t-this clan just as- as much as the rest of us. And uh... And talonpaw simply lifts an eyebrow, the unscarred side lifting into a mix of curiosity at what else the other would say. The assertiveness pushed forward was unexpected and he simply flicks an ear.

But as Amberhaze turns to move, words not coming after his statement, his lips move to tug at his face in a frown. "Where are ya going now? Why are you running away?" He asked, his voice dripping with a slight venom he didn't mean to spit, but it came out so easily that his ears folded back with it in anger as he pressed paws into his nest.

"Fine, Run away! I don't care!" He said, louder than he meant as the other had already left the den. And he did care. He cared too much in this moment, but anger drowned out the care in this moment. He winced as he moved his body, curling up tightly in his nest. He could go after the other but he made it clear he didn't care.

​

 

[Amberhaze]

⚛︎₊˚‧ Talonpaw's outburst did not elude him despite the abyssal figure's lack of pause, his stride carrying him onward with resolve more intense than what could have been expected of him. The words thrown at him from within the den was a mere echo, and yet they pierced his heart like serrated claws, trapping it inside an iron grip and threatening to slice it in two. And yet he couldn't help but come to the conclusion that this was all Talonpaw should feel regarding him- his mentor who does not mentor, a teacher who cannot teach- not in the way someone of Talonpaw's skill deserved.

Instead of going to the prey pile, Amberhaze would take a sharp detour to the farthest end of camp where no cat dared to touch unless they couldn't stand to be amongst their peers- probably a place Sharpshadow visited often, he assumed- that cat couldn't handle any kind of interaction lasting over a minute. Nevertheless, he curled into the shadows and allowed the confined space to constrict him, the only sound left for him to hear being the ragged breathing from his own trembling lungs and the choke emitting out of his tightening throat. Claws gripped muddy earth as if he would blow away should he allow them to sheathe, and those full-moon eyes filled with tears that he desperately tried to blink away to no avail.

They streamed down his cheeks now, a familiar grimace contorting his already angular features so that he seemed almost aggressive. Like a predator snarling. But he was no predator- he was the prey, always the prey. He shouldn't care. I wouldn't care about me either. About anything I've done for him...which is almost nothing. What can I even offer him that can't be offered by anyone else? And done better? The next thought came without warning, and although it made him pause in his anguish he felt nauseated by it. I don't know if I want to do this anymore. Perhaps it was less of not wanting to and more that he felt as though he couldn't, but he wouldn't consider any other reason besides what was clear to him. It didn't matter anyways. He was Talonpaw's mentor, chosen to guide him into warriorhood and shape him into something more than himself, and regardless of whether or not this would become a reality, he had to see the task through to completion. They were close now, and once it was all over Amberhaze would never have to disappoint anyone else ever again.

With a final deep breath to steady himself, he would rise onto unsteady paws and make his way on shaking legs to pick out a frog- his apprentice's favorite, he knew from past observations- and made his way back into the medicine cats den with the hope that the young tom wouldn't be able to discern his earlier turmoil by his expression alone. The food was set gently at the smaller one's paws, though Amberhaze would not meet his eyes as he spoke. "Eat." A command that sounded more like a plea, his tone so soft it was almost a mumble.

✧ ° . ⚠︎ . ° ✧​

ooc Information

• ooc: —
• 

  AMBERHAZE — HE/HIM ･ 19 MOONS ･ WARRIOR OF SHADOWCLAN ･ PENNED BY SLOANE

  black oriental shorthair. a short but lengthy black cat with a boney build and striking ocher eyes filled with unveiled trepidation.

 

[talonpaw.]

Talonpaws tail flicked behind him, claws digging into the nest underneath him as he tore up the nest pile in the angst of confusion of his own emotions, of the anger that filled his thin frame, covered in poultices of his own doing. blue eye closed, and a breath escaped his muzzle. alone. he enjoyed alone, but this lonely feeling was hard to endure. abandonment, if one willed, for the seconds ticked slower, and anger filled the void more.

his gaze was cold and empty, eyes dry as he now lay on a mess of moss strewn underneath his paws, teeth gnawing and chewing on a clump of moss from the pile beneath him now. and finally, after long moments, his mentor would return. talonpaw lifted his white dipped chin slightly, blue eye not meeting ambers orange wide eyes.

Eat. The other said, and finally the blue eye lifted to lock into amber. neutrality, with a slice of anger still in its depths. But as he looked down, and blinked, he saw the brownand green skin of the frog, a ruddy pink tongue betraying his thoughts as it rasped over dry lips and sharp canines. He would reach a slender paw forward, grasping the prey in a clawed paw, before pulling it closer and replacing the moss in his mouth with a bite of the frog, slurping the meat from its leg in a non characteristic way, greedily.

He never realized his own hunger. He didn't care to. And why would amber care to, with the way he was treated. A flick of his gaze upwards to the other. "Didn't think ya was comin' back." Whether it was admittance, or a shrug of whatever, his blue eye trained onto the warrior. He didn't want to give the other so much shit. But talonpaw was never an easy one to win over.

"Thanks." For coming back. For considering me. For caring. Words that would be left unsaid with eyebrows pinched together. To him it was genuineness, but to others he'd yet to realize it would look as if he was frustrated. ​