- Jun 10, 2023
- 109
- 23
- 18
STILL DON'T KNOW MY NAME
he should be happy for them, right?they're his siblings. he should be happy for them. he usually is. he always is. he puts them first, and he makes sure they're okay first, even at his own expense. even when it hurts so bad that he swears his heart might split in two, or even when he feels so scared that they may be upset with him for wanting to be just as happy as they are. he's trying to be, he really is. he tells himself all the time, if they're happy, he's happy. that's how it has to be. crowsight and lupinesong must be happy first. they come first. they came first. when it came to feelings, he always made sure they were first. he tries with safety, too, but he's never been good at physically protecting anyone.
they come first. is that why this guilt is eating him alive? why he can't stand to even think about, or even be around, his littermates right now? everytime he looks at them, there is this tinge of something within him. he isn't quite sure why, or where it comes from, but it's not pleasant. it feels wrong and he's quick to stuff it down. he cannot rid himself of it, and thus he has chosen avoidance. from his siblings, and everyone that his siblings choose to be around. jealousy? now that's a new one, kit. never pegged you for the type to get upset about anything... except well maybe when you're sobbing over your fears.
that's what it was. jealousy. why? he doesn't know. mostly, he felt it around lupinesong. anytime she's around, he felt it more than usual. she looks at falcongaze and drowsynose feels sick to his stomach. why couldn't he just be happy her? and if not for her, which why wouldn't he be, then why couldn't he be happy for him? you liked him first, didn't you? and she took him. seems like you have every right to be upset.
he shakes his head. that's not true. she could have liked him first. and she pursued him. i just... cowered. like i always do. the voice laughs. sounds about right. you are very good at cowering. he knows. when crowsight had spoken to him about his partners, he felt happy for a while. crowsight was always so upset at the world. angry. snappy. he went out of his way to avoid family and he was just... emotional. so when the emotions are good, drowsynose can't tell him that he wants what he has. that he wants... what does he want? to be loved. that's what he's jealous of. that's what he's pining for. to be loved. to look at someone the way his siblings look at their partners. to be looked at like that, too. to not worry. to be happy. but... he can't. because the one cat he wants to be happy with is with his sister. it's not fair. and he hates feeling jealous and does not want to resent his sister so he stays away. he can't look at her with the same soft look he usually has. not when he's feeling like this. not when seeing her with falcongaze makes his heart shatter. not when he feels like he is not worthy of anything, especially around her and crowsight. he just can't. i need to go back inside.
he's done guarding for the night. someone can switch with him. he's gotta go to bed.
they come first. is that why this guilt is eating him alive? why he can't stand to even think about, or even be around, his littermates right now? everytime he looks at them, there is this tinge of something within him. he isn't quite sure why, or where it comes from, but it's not pleasant. it feels wrong and he's quick to stuff it down. he cannot rid himself of it, and thus he has chosen avoidance. from his siblings, and everyone that his siblings choose to be around. jealousy? now that's a new one, kit. never pegged you for the type to get upset about anything... except well maybe when you're sobbing over your fears.
that's what it was. jealousy. why? he doesn't know. mostly, he felt it around lupinesong. anytime she's around, he felt it more than usual. she looks at falcongaze and drowsynose feels sick to his stomach. why couldn't he just be happy her? and if not for her, which why wouldn't he be, then why couldn't he be happy for him? you liked him first, didn't you? and she took him. seems like you have every right to be upset.
he shakes his head. that's not true. she could have liked him first. and she pursued him. i just... cowered. like i always do. the voice laughs. sounds about right. you are very good at cowering. he knows. when crowsight had spoken to him about his partners, he felt happy for a while. crowsight was always so upset at the world. angry. snappy. he went out of his way to avoid family and he was just... emotional. so when the emotions are good, drowsynose can't tell him that he wants what he has. that he wants... what does he want? to be loved. that's what he's jealous of. that's what he's pining for. to be loved. to look at someone the way his siblings look at their partners. to be looked at like that, too. to not worry. to be happy. but... he can't. because the one cat he wants to be happy with is with his sister. it's not fair. and he hates feeling jealous and does not want to resent his sister so he stays away. he can't look at her with the same soft look he usually has. not when he's feeling like this. not when seeing her with falcongaze makes his heart shatter. not when he feels like he is not worthy of anything, especially around her and crowsight. he just can't. i need to go back inside.
he's done guarding for the night. someone can switch with him. he's gotta go to bed.
