DIDN'T HAVE TO SEARCH — vermilion

[COSMOSBLOOM]

He doesn't know if he should be doing this.

Doesn't know if he should be standing before a prisoner's den with a mouse between his jaws. Doesn't know if he should spare his catch for his former mentor, now held up in a rat hole for the murder of a different apprentice. Younger apprentices could use the strength the mouse would give them. Kits needed it more.

But, instead of placing his catch in the fresh-kill pile, Cosmospaw stands at a dark entrance, staring.

Why is he even here? Why did he stand waiting for the flame point, now? Why did he wait all those moons ago, only to be rewarded with disappointment and a second - and now third - mentor? Disappointment was inevitable back then, and it's inevitable now. The white tom should just turn around and forget about his former mentor.

He wasn't staying. He never would. Never wanted to in the first place.

Does he know? Does he know that Cosmospaw will be a warrior soon? His warrior ceremony is bound to a limited number of sleeps away. What once was a moment he imagined his mentor and his brother to be present at, was now imagined as empty, somber. Neither of them would see him become a warrior, would know him by the full name he'd worked so hard to earn. Blazestar would probably be too blind with grief to be proud of him.

White paws shift, and he drops the mouse at the entrance. He can just leave the mouse, and still turn away, if he wants.

He's certain his former mentor won't bother with him anyway.
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[VERMILIONSUN]

❝ we're children playing at a game, screaming that the rules aren't fair. ❞

Vermilionsun was no saint, he had sinned all his life; and nothing would change anytime soon. He would never touch a child, though; he'd never laid a paw on a kid, and his innocence would be declared soon. He knew it. Then, he could get up and leave, and never return to these wretched treelands. Return back to the stinking sewers, covered in sewage water so his scent would always be hidden. So he could become a ghost once again, to haunt the metal drainpipes and never return to the surface.

Nameless and Ferret were waiting for him. Tiny was waiting for him.

Something drops at the entrance of the den, rotting and smelling faintly of old water. Vermilionsun expects it to be Thistleback, the stalemate they crafted together solidified in stone. With his kindness, patience- Vermilion had come to respect the Lead Warrior. His paws twitch as he reaches out to grasp the mouse, claws extended from length. His paw quakes, shaking- before weakly falling to the ground. "Fuck." He curses under his breath, hot with infection. It was nearly gone, he could feel it- but the wounds still burned as if they still were. It made him shaky from the pain. "Who is there? Thistleback would have shown his face by now." He grumbles aloud, tail whipping behind him. And yet, he steps out nonetheless, aiming to lean down and pick up the mouse between his jaws.

The sight that catches his single functioning eye makes him stop in his tracks. Cosmospaw. Oh, no. Vermilion is quick to turn his gaze away, eyes narrowing as a grimace takes its place on his lips. Face scrunched up in embarrassment. "St- I mean, Cosmospaw.. Hey." He mutters awkwardly, shame igniting his fur. He couldn't do this; how could he? He was no clan cat anymore. He never was. This whole routine, it just.. Didn't suit him well. He takes a moment to look back at Cosmospaw, notices the look on his face. He stutters. "Y-You've gotten taller.. You'll be a warrior soon, huh?" He guessed, dropping the mouse back onto the ground with a huff. "..And I couldn't even be there for you when you needed me most."​

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[COSMOSBLOOM]

His former mentor sounds angry, annoyed. White paws step back, prepare to turn away and pretend none of this had happened.

"Sorry, I can--"

Can what? Can leave? Can come back later? He doesn't have time to ponder the end of his sentence, but knows if he turns away now, he won't come back.

His emergence from his prison is quick. The white tom stands face to face with the flame point - stands taller than the last time they'd come this close to one another, stands even taller than their time training together. He was just a kit, then, and now... now he's soon to be a warrior.

"Hey," he echoes, red ears twitching, nerves growing. Turn back, he urges his paws, now stood frozen, sky-hued eyes wide as he looks at his first mentor, at the scars and healing wounds that adorn him, "I uh... I brought you something to eat. I thought you would... Maybe you'd need it. I caught it myself."

He's surprised to hear his next words. A notice of how much he's grown, a realization of what was to come for Cosmospaw. Slowly, he nods his head. Stars, why did he do this, again?

"Yeah. Any day now, actually. I'll be... Cosmosfur, or Cosmoscloud, or something," he says, then sighs, gaze dropping to his paws, "If Blazestar's up for it."

He knows the leader is grieving - he hurts for the fate of Blazestar's child too - but, it feels like Blazestar's soul traveled with his kit to StarClan, sometimes; like he'd left an empty shell of himself, while he lives within the stars with her. Would it really be any day now? Or would his current mentor be too busy with his head in the stars?

"I couldn't even be there when you needed me most."

He doesn't know the half of it, Cosmospaw realizes. Doesn't know the weight that sentence carries. Doesn't know that Finch left him too, just after the flame point disappeared.

"I did need you," he tells him, "I did need you, and you left." He needed him, he needed his brother, and they both disappeared - one after another. Ran away from him and left him to navigate the pine forest on his own.

"Why? Why did you leave?" he finally asks, voice cracking with sorrow. He needs to know, needs to understand. "Why did you leave me and replace me with someone else? Was I... Was I not training good enough? I... Blazestar's been teaching me now, and I can hunt, and fight - I helped chase off a fox, and everything!" The tom sniffles, head ducking to look away.

"I waited for you, you know. You never showed up."
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[VERMILIONSUN]

❝ we're children playing at a game, screaming that the rules aren't fair. ❞

He brought something for him to eat, and even caught it himself. Vermilionsun instinctively looks down towards to the prey, rolling it over with a shaky paw to look at it. It's a clean kill, blood not leaking out like a clumsy apprentice would usually have it. He's a decent hunter. He comes to realize in thought, thankful Blazestar had spent the time to teach him what he couldn't. Vermilionsun wasn't fit to teach a cat like Cosmospaw, who had so much potential. Tiny himself wasn't even able to be a proper apprentice, Vermilion was merely teaching him how to survive in their cruel world. Guilt eats at him; was Tiny still alive? Did he get killed, or something? Or did he remain in the sewers, as Ver had commanded them to?

"It's a beautiful kill. You snapped its neck without spilling much blood." He compliments the tom's skills awkwardly, looking away once more from the red-eared tom. He mentions something about a new name, and Vermilion finds himself smiling against his own will. "Don't worry about your name. Blazestar is pretty decent at choosing them, I'd like to think." He chose his, after all. Shining like the sun, they'd say. Vermilion didn't exactly like his name as much anymore, but everyone at the sewers called him Ver anyways.

He needed him, and Vermilion wasn't there- he'd left the moment when someone from his past appeared, his brother begging him to just come home so he could take care of the group that had gathered in the sewers. He blamed his brother, on some parts- for ruining his chance of having his own life in the clans. But he had made the final choice himself to leave. Without saying goodbye, as well. "I'm sorry." He breathes out, chewing at the inside of his cheek. He considers going back inside the prison he's kept in, ending this conversation here- but then Cosmospaw asks the question he's dreaded since Deersong found him. Why did you leave me behind? "I can't justify my decision. My brother asked me to help him with a group of cats that needed it, and SkyClan was doing just fine. I didn't think people would even notice I was gone, aside from Deer herself. You'd be reassigned, given to someone who could actually take the time to focus on you.. A lot of things were going through my mind at that point, kid. Too many things."

I waited for you, you know. You never showed up.

Vermilionsun's heart breaks in that moment. He'd waited for him? "Cosmos.." He whispers softly, regretful. This kid had put his trust in him, and Vermilion had rubbed it into the dirt like it never mattered. "I know I can't make it up to you easily, if at all. You were an amazing apprentice, who got stuck with a shitty mentor like myself. And I'm sorry for that, Cosmospaw. I really am. But apologies don't fix the past." Vermilion turns his gaze away from his old apprentice once more. Blame him, that was okay. If Cosmospaw didn't go looking for him again once he left, he was fine with that- he could move on and start his own life, his own family in the future. And Vermilion would fade into the background, satisfied.

Do you ache to be forgotten? Gramps always asked him, and Vermilion never answered. Because he knew it was true. It always would be. To exist in the background, a second-string character nobody noticed. He no longer ached to belong to someplace, not like he used to. Only where he was needed, and right now, the sewer cats needed him. "You should go, I don't want Blazestar to see you hanging around me too much. Thank you for the meal, Cosmospaw." Vermilion does his best to push the tom away, to put that distance there once more. Move on, kid. Forget about me already. Asking all the questions will only hurt you more.​

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[COSMOSBLOOM]

A beautiful kill, his former mentor calls the mouse between them.

Cosmospaw wants to thank him for the compliment, wants to tell him he learned from the best but stops himself. Because, who did he learn to catch a mouse from? It couldn't have been Blazestar, a shift in his apprenticeship so late on into it. It must have been Vermilionsun, because, who else would it have been?

Or maybe... Or maybe Finchcatcher? Had his skill in hunting been passed to Cosmospaw? As if it were something to tie them together, across a border he's only just learned recently that his brother lives within?

The snow-furred tom shakes off the thought as his former mentor breathes out an apology. A sorry, something he'd been waiting to hear for far too long for too many things. At least he gets this one. An explanation follows - one that only leaves him with further questions.

"Your brother..." he starts, a frown pulling on his face. Would Cosmospaw leave SkyClan, if Finchcatcher asked him to? If he'd arrived right now? He doesn't know. Doesn't think so. Cosmospaw misses his brother, he thinks, even after everything that had happened, but, SkyClan was his home. The pine forest was more of a home to him at this point than what flame-filled memories depict as a home.

"But, couldn't he just bring them here? Blazestar would have welcomed them, wouldn't he?" Rain would have, at least, and Cosmospaw has seen plenty of new faces come and go under Blazestar's reign. So why not bring them here? They would have been safe in SkyClan.

Too many things were on his mind, that's part of Vermilionsun's excuse. He can't help the hurt he feels, how little of a piece he was in any sort of consideration in this path his mentor has taken. In the path his brother has taken. Left again and again, without a single goodbye. Maybe it was for the best.

"My brother left, you know," he finally says, words quiet. "He left after you did. I thought he died. I thought... I thought you died. And when I found out you were alive, when you said you weren't coming back... I was so upset. I wanted to never see you again, just as I wanted with Finch. But... but I don't think I'm mad anymore. Just sad."

Sad that things couldn't be the way he'd wanted. Sad that Vermilionsun and Finchcatcher couldn't stay here with him, without being unhappy themselves. But, he's been given some answers, and that eases his mind in the slightest.

"But you both... just didn't want to live in SkyClan anymore. Maybe that's my fault, that you both would rather leave and seek happiness elsewhere."

His former mentor finally urges him to leave, and Cosmospaw blinks, looking back up at his mentor. Blazestar won't care. He knows this. Vermilionsun is but an afterthought, with everything that has happened. "Is that what you want?" he asks.
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