private don't say it so // doepath

[sunshinespot]

Sunshinespot approaches their nest, expression relaxed despite the forlorn and morose feeling in his chest. He wonders, his gaze fluttering over the fawn-colored form of his mate as she kneads their bedding together, if he would've noticed the distance between them. Nothing truly changed between before and then - between the time before, where they were just friends and then... more. They were just as affectionate, maybe with more giggles littered in and purposeful, sidelong glances held for moments more. But the then and now... She still sleeps in their nest, still chats with him and laughs and holds him close. But something's different. Something's... off.

She was sick recently. He feels a churning in his gut and almost wants to blame the travelling illness for his discontent. Rarely has he felt upset with Doepath (never, he thinks, but he has never had claim to a good memory.) It feels wrong to hold to it now.

"Hey," he chirps with a softness, the same warm kindness he's shared with her since day one. He picks into the nest and drops his weight unceremoniously, fluffing up bits of dried moss and loose petals in his wake. Despite the mild distress that itches his pelt, his smile stretches across his scarred face. "D'ya..." a long pause, and his eyebrows pinch together. "Can... we talk? Y've been quiet for a little bit..." he shifts his body, leaning his head closer to hers, lowering his voice to a whisper. "It's okay y'got sick, Doe. I'm not upset," he rumbles, as if that will fix everything.

@doepath ࿔
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[doepath ࿔]

The shuffling of moss and scattered petals is an exercise in self-soothing... with each kneading of a nervous paw comes a disturbed mixture of scents that remind her of calm... of quiet, warm hours... of sleep. It settles a tremoring heart, the herds of thoughts dashing fearfully from hither and yon. Her discontentment with eating only grew more rampant with the ceaseless bouts of nausea each day... they rarely waned, except when curbed directly by the interjection of their medicine cat and his boundless knowledge. Though sightless for a long time, even now her vision feels far hazier and distant... lost somewhere between the shifting shades of the den walls and fading sunlight.

A trilled greeting calls out like an alarmed bird's warning, a beacon that something was approaching. It is far gentler and less panicked than the fluttering creature she pins his tones to. "Hello," she coos in reply, ceasing her restless fidgeting to properly settle in their nest as he plops readily at her side. It feels more cramped than it had before...

He brushes against her only teasingly in closeness but it is enough to spark a new bout of itchiness, one that lingers beneath the surface and demands to be acknowledged. He pecks at the tense line she wields like a shield between them, seeking an entrance to what guards her. In quiet whispers, almost like a secret kept, he whispers about her disturbed stomach and she feels faint.

"I didn't think you were upset with me," comes in warbled uncertainty, a gnawing anticipation now formed in opposite suggestion. Why would he mention it unless he had been mad at her? It only makes knowing more difficult, a new layer to add to her fears. "Sunshine... we should talk..." It had been his suggestion, though he didn't understand what he'd subjected himself to.

"I need you to listen," she insists, brandishing it as a weaponized boundary so he might not get the chance to form his opinion or shout at her for what must come next. It is a selfish demand. Always keen to subdue... and fawn for forgiveness after. "Remember how we kept dancing around each other... thinking we were nothing but friends? Insistent, even... anytime we were asked." It had dug sore wounds, a gaping need for denied devotion, even if she had not recognized it then... "I believed it." Because who was she to pine for love, knowing what beast had birthed her? "I... spent some time with other friends... I enjoyed their attention...."

"Gentlestorm said he knew why I was sick...." It wasn't just bad luck, a little too much proximity with someone harboring a cold they didn't know they were incubating. It was a far more intentional misstep... one hungry for adoration where deprived of depth. "It's not going to get better for awhile...." She finds herself seizing up at the final stretch though the morning haze tom has only ever shown her softness. "And everything will be different once it does...."

please dont leave me ➺ in the dark

• DOEPATH
  fourteen month old warrior of thunderclan
  she/her fawn sepia with low white and yellow eyes

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[sunshinespot]

His tail shivers as it lays around her in unbiased comfort, his head resting lazily on his paws. In truth, the tom couldn't think of a single thing Doepath could do that would upset him. Maybe their paths are forever starblessed, intertwined with one another; the princess and her doormat. He doesn't mind. She deserves support and attention and Sunshinespot is, evidently, more than willing to shower her with it.

Her fidgeting eases as he grows more comfortable beside her. Doepath's voice is unforgiving in its want to be heard - every crack, every wobble, touches his ears in a careful caress. He wants to press forward, to hold her and assuage whatever negativity that plagues her. Maybe he should've let whatever blow over rather than bringing it up at all. She says that she never thought him upset... could he have avoided this intense sadness, then, if he hadn't bothered to think to hard? He'd be a nuisance and press closer to her - "We should talk..." - if they weren't already held by the flank.

A press to listen replied to by silence and a coy twitch of his ears, his usual smile hid by the ruff of their paws. His eyes try to hold to hers, even if she sways and glances away. Sunshinespot remains relaxed, waiting, gaze simply holding to her as she unfolds her... what, secrets? She starts and there is a pang in his chest, but he decides that it is nothing of her fault. They were in agreement. Friends were all they were. Still are, he thinks, just behind their mateship. He isn't sure he'd be as happy as he was if they weren't still the same Doepath and Sunshinespot. He murmurs a hum in agreement, though as she carries on... even he cannot dull the surprise that lights in his gaze.

Other friends... He thinks, honestly, of Braveheart first. Maybe Falconheart, or Softsight, or... His tail tickles her side in continued comfort as he subdues his own sins in favor of a rare selfishness. She's being so open... it'd be unkind to take her moment, even if it was to relate. It'd be awful to share that he had been doing the same (and that... he hadn't stopped.)

He lifts his head once again with Gentlestorm's name. The mottled tom furrows his brows with confusion - his only other expression, in truth. The dots are laid out for him to connect, and pieces of him understand, but the majority of him cloud what he does and doesn't know. His maw opens finally, when she finishes speaking. "... everything will be different..."

She's scared. He's noticed this whole conversation but in her final words, he sees how she trembles. He cannot find it in him to be upset about her other "friends," about what approaches them despite determining nothing from the little scraps of information she gave him. He presses his nose to the base of her ear, easily rumbling a purr in his chest instead.

"I said forever, Doe," he reminds her softly. "Until th'stars blink out, 'm here with you... for you." He draws out from his normal, slurring cadence to ensure that he's understood. He shifts slightly, holding his cheek to hers should she allow it. "Y'don' gotta tell me everything, but I wanna know enough... so that I can be here when y'need me." He felt that good enough - he asks for no more than she's willing to give. Details are unnecessary, unwanted even. "I love you, Doe. Nothin' is changin' that, any day now."
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[doepath ࿔]

He blinks up at her with tides of new-leaf for eyes.... content, calm, steady. A consistency that the deciduous trees cannot rival... he is like the evergreens she'd sheltered under, giggling with furs of red. It's a sickening parallel, it makes her queasy all over again and she tries with some great effort to swallow it down and stay the course. The truth... the truth is important... and unavoidable. She would not be able to hide much longer, not with the way her fur sat against her sides with more shape than it used to.

It staggers her resolve... or maybe just her certainty of self... that he is so resistant to anger. Grown in a tempest, set fire at both ends... her mother had only ever been a flickering inferno, waiting for the next piece of kindling to jump to. Was she capable of that volatility? Was it something unique to her blood? Perhaps he wasn't capable, only ever held in sunlit paws of fathers that adored him. A frightening juxtaposition to confront... and with new responsibilities that may inherit that turmoil.

He reassures her, in lazy articulation that no matter the changes, he is as sturdy as the oaks that create Fourtrees. He's never proven otherwise and still she fears invisible barbs may dig into her skin soon. "I love you too," she echoes, struggling not to wail out of the self-imposed guilt that gnaws at her. She hadn't done anything to slight Sunshinespot, it hadn't been intentional but...

"I'm not sure I'm cut out for it... but I trust you... and I know you'll be.... you'll be perfect." He had been from the start. His gentleness might yet soothe the sharp, jagged edges... He could be the glue that held it all together when it started to fracture at the seams. "Sorry, I'm... I'm dragging this out, I'm just..." She draws in an abrupt huff, trying to catch herself from stammering into another bout of rambling and side-tracking. She delicately moves to rest one of her forepaws on top of his, leaning into the press of his cheek against hers to find her strength. "We're... we're going to be parents... if you'll still have me..."

She withdraws the touch of her cheek to glance anxiously to the swell of her belly where he's so cluelessly pressed himself close. Maybe it was subtle enough still he hadn't noticed but... not for her... not when it weighed down her already unsteady gait and drew her to fits of nausea. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner I've been kinda... freaked out about it." And in truth it isn't Sunshinespot she fears. It is the possibility that she has been a hound wearing the skin of a deer... and that being a mother would finally expose that.

please dont leave me ➺ in the dark

• DOEPATH
  fourteen month old warrior of thunderclan
  she/her fawn sepia with low white and yellow eyes

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