everything sucked. they hate this fucking place more than they ever have. had it not been to their undying loyalty to their clan, and the cats who actually know how to make sense, then they might have claimed kittypet blood and left. they want so badly to leave some days, they don't know what to do. but they can't leave their parents here– no matter how they're treated by them. they can't leave the young kits who are forced to witness such terrors, as the clan falls into ruin at the paws of someone so much else qualified that even they could do a better job, and they can't leave ... her.
"houndshade. come on. let's go on a walk."
they can manage to sneak out. their warriors now, and she's not the one being watched over by hawk-eyed followers of that traitor. stupid little mice following the lion to its den. idiots. all of them. she doesn't wanna talk about them. she wants to talk with her friend. they're here, now, and she doesn't want it any other way.
"are you feeling okay? you seem... stressed. you know... the entire deal of the clan aside. is there anything i can do to help?"
This isn't how Houndshade had really pictured sneaking a moment to spend time with Snagsnarl. Then again no one probably expected what Skyclaw did, if someone had anticipated that then they would be labelled as paranoid. When thinking about it she had wanted to steal a moment to talk about the excitement that warriorhood brought. Instead there was a heavy weight on her shoulders, dragging down any excitement that had been sowed after their warrior ceremonies.
They call and she follows, Houndshade believes she would follow them into pretty much anything. Holding faith that it would not end in a slaughter, not with how vehemently they seemed to dislike the current situation. A walk, she can handle a walk right now. How she yearns to just keep walking, reunite with separate clanmates or just leave ThunderClan all together.
They couldn't do that though, perfectionism ran deep into the veins of her ego. She had to see this through, stick through the clan and see everyone flourish. They had to come back stronger from this, this couldn't be forever. There was time to think about this though, that time seemed infinite. Right now they could enjoy her time with Stagsnarl.
“Of course I'm stressed” she barks in laughter, it rung hollow to her ears. There's not much to laugh about these days. How was she supposed to not be? Is it really even possible to set aside the state of the clan right now? Would she be fine if things were normal? Could things ever be normal again? Could she-
She cuts her spiralling thoughts off with a sharp breath “I thought things might be easier as a warrior, I still don't really know what I'm doing though.” Did that have more to do with the current climate of ThunderClan or rather about her lack of prowess? She smiles, it's shaky but genuine, as she bumps their shoulder against the chimera's own. “Unless you have some secret knowledge tucked away in that pretty head of yours I don't know how you can help” deflect, it's easier to just focus on the warrior next to them rather than to think about how she feels right now.
“What about you? You’ve been angrier than your normal grouchy self, can I help at all?”
they lash their tail for a moment. they're trying to get her to really listen to them for once. to hear her. to understand that none of this would ever be... easy. their life isn't meant to be. it's supposed to be hard, they realize, but that doesn't mean that it has to suck. especially not for her. doesn't she understand that she deserves everything good in the world? what? that's not... no time to think about that.
"there isn't anyone around that knows everything. howlingstar didn't and we... all looked up to her to know. it's just... not that easy. and you're still learning. you just became a warrior and so did I. we can learn together. you don't have to be perfect right now. or... ever. the way you are now is always going to be enough. if not for the clan, for me at least."
when did she become so... sappy? and with houndshade of all cats? a couple moons ago, she'd never have been so honest and sincere and kind. but things changed. cats changed. and she... never realized just how much that means until now. her gaze searches for houndshade's, finding solace and a sense of calm in pools of shimmering gold. the conversation shifts and stagsnarl knows exactly what they're doing but she decides to let them. they seem to need it.
"not necessarily. i don't think I'm anymore angry than normal. I just don't have to listen to warriors anymore because i am one. besides... you can't tell me you're not upset about all of this. we're stuck. we can't even help our clanmates who are doing right because anyone who doesn't is killed like mousenose, or maimed publicly like tybalt. or... hit like orangepaw. it pisses me off. cats like him... have no place in the world."
they shake their head. this is all too much to talk about. they hate it. they hate their clan right now.
"doesn't matter. I'm not sleeping any better as a warrior. your fault, by the way. you were supposed to help me make my nest."
It's difficult to not listen to Stagsnarl, when she calls for attention she'd be remiss to not follow it. There's hesitation but she looks to her friend, they're quick to reassure her. That they're enough, if not for the clan then at least for her. It takes a moment for those words to sink in for you?. While they don't say anything to acknowledge that, the lingering look is enough. Trying to figure out the meaning behind this, though the chimera was always a mystery to her.
“I… You're right, I guess the older warriors just make it seem so easy” she can almost hear the retort, of course they make it look easier since they've had much more experience. Even now they were struggling, so if she was kinder on herself they'd understand there really isn't a hope for them to find their footing in warriorhood yet.
“I'm not saying that I'm not angry or upset about this” there's a deep inhale as a reprieve in conversation. After taking a moment she continues “I agree, cats like him don't have a place in the world. What's going on is horrible, I just don't want you losing your cool on someone you shouldn't.” Golden eyes search a mismatched gaze in an attempt to seek a reaction. Tail curls around themself as they speak, trying to keep Stagsnarl's gaze.
“I don't want to see you upset one of them and be maimed like that. You're smarter then that Stagsnarl, please pick your battles.” There's a moment of hesitation before she moves to brush her cheek against the warriors own. Ears twitch nervously as she moves away from them, was that okay? They hope so. A paw traces a pebble on the ground, taking the time to keep distance just in case.
Laughter slips past her, they don't remember the last time laughter had came from her in this past moon. “You never asked, I'm not going to do any free labour for you mouse-brain” there's no bite to her words, the insults have turned to terms of endearment long ago. “I'm glad you're still here, it's still bad but I feel a little easier knowing you're here” she had weighed up what would truly happen if she just ran away. She couldn't leave her clan like that though, couldn't leave her family. The thought of them, of her, having to deal with this without her sounded like her worst nightmare.
"i can handle myself, houndshade. no need to worry about me. those idiots only use fear and claws as a means of control. they don't nor will they ever control me."
the anger in their words is unmistakable but they let it die down on their tongue. they shouldn't get themself so worked up over stuff like this right now, when they really just wanted to escape it all. just for a bit. just a moment to take in the sights, and finally not feel the pressure lf always needing to be better. would this moment last long? not nearly as long as either of them needed, but it would be okay for now. for now, all they need is to be here, with their friend.
"and yeah... they do make it seem so easy, don't they? totally unfair of them."
she sighs quietly, before she's caught off guard by the brush of a soft cheek against her own. her eyes widen as she nearly trips over her paws, swallowing thickly as she stares right at houndshade. did... they mean to do that? they don't know what to think anymore but there is a very loud and clear thought thrumming through her mind right now. ...oh.
"...what?"
they swear they were listening. they just got caught off guard. they shake their head, trying to steady themself before speaking up. no. they absolutely heard what she said.
"i wouldn't ever ask you. I'd expect you just to know I want you to do. that's what best friends do, isn't it? they know. so you should know."
stagsnarl twitches her whiskers before blinking with a soft hum coming from her lips. there it was again. that feeling. that deep feeling that somewhere inside she could identify. she's not sure if she's ready to admit that she's–
"i only stayed for you. my parents don't care whether i stay or go but i couldn't leave you here. or anywhere. you're stuck with me, houndshade. don't forget that."
“I'm going to worry anyways, you make it hard not to” they know she can handle herself fine and yet the fear of losing them anyways is what spurs her concern. They don't let themself dwell on the concerns for long, letting blow past them in the gentle breeze of night. She decides in this moment to remain close to them, they were here and they were breathing. So things were fine, in this moment it didn't matter that the pair of them, along with the rest of the clan, stand in a time of violent uncertainty.
The question makes her laugh again, taking a breath to speak again before being silenced by the chimera continuing to speak. Okay, Stagsnarl did hear what she said, that saved the explanation though they truly didn't mind. Houndshade's ear flicks at the mention of best friends, best friends? we're best friends? The concept is a shock to hear but she's not upset at being held in that close regard. “I'm not a mind reader Stagsnarl, you have to tell me” her tail sways behind her, brushing against fallen leaves and a stray twig as she lost herself to thought.
“I could remake your nest? That ones too small for me to come bother you anyways” that's a tactful way of putting it, right? It was no secret that the pair made a habit out of pushing the other from their nest only to end up sharing it. The admission that their parents don't care brings the frown right back to her maw. It's upsetting, to know someone as important as Stagsnarl is disregarded by those closest to them. Not Houndshade though, she couldn't ever disregard them.
“I wouldn't want anything else. You're stuck with me too, Stagsnarl.” It takes her a moment for their words to sink in. She only stayed for them… They fluster at the thought but refuse to let that be known.
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