- May 14, 2023
- 148
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⋆⁺₊ ☾ ⁺₊⋆ // cw for mentions of dysphoria & dissociation!
Swanpaw has been thinking about this for a while.
It started like a subtle nagging feeling, a growing awareness. A feeling that he is not himself. He feels that often, feels this strange detachment from his own body. Like a ghost, floating above. Outside of reality, apart from the living world.
He accepted it, long ago. He's started questioning it, as late. Who is Swanpaw, really? A spectre taking the flesh of a cat, haunting the swamps of ShadowClan. A dreamy creature ever since his kithood, back when things were easy. Sleepy and lethargic, never wanting much of anything but a nap.
He'll be a warrior soon. He'll be granted a new name. He likes his name, likes the sound of swan, the grace and the softness of it. Likes even more that it was granted by his mother. He's always wanted to be like her.
He's not the kind of cat who wants things. He doesn't want warriorhood just as he didn't want apprenticehood. He never quite knows what to do when he does want something.
He thinks of the gathering, of glossy black fur lit by moonlight. How easy it was, to slip into an easy sort of companionship. To slip into a new role, the pretty molly from another clan. It was... nice. It didn't feel as much like being someone else as it should have. It felt, truly, more like being someone else when she came back to all the cats who look at him as the deputy's lazy son.
Would he be happier, he wonders, to be that cat? The one that Lupinepaw saw? He is not Thornpaw, or Laurelpaw, or Ashenpaw. He didn't know young.
She still doesn't quite know now, either. The label of molly fits far more comfortably, but still crooked.
But Swanpaw wants, and feels now that she has wanted for a long time.
Swanpaw has been thinking about this for a while.
It started like a subtle nagging feeling, a growing awareness. A feeling that he is not himself. He feels that often, feels this strange detachment from his own body. Like a ghost, floating above. Outside of reality, apart from the living world.
He accepted it, long ago. He's started questioning it, as late. Who is Swanpaw, really? A spectre taking the flesh of a cat, haunting the swamps of ShadowClan. A dreamy creature ever since his kithood, back when things were easy. Sleepy and lethargic, never wanting much of anything but a nap.
He'll be a warrior soon. He'll be granted a new name. He likes his name, likes the sound of swan, the grace and the softness of it. Likes even more that it was granted by his mother. He's always wanted to be like her.
He's not the kind of cat who wants things. He doesn't want warriorhood just as he didn't want apprenticehood. He never quite knows what to do when he does want something.
He thinks of the gathering, of glossy black fur lit by moonlight. How easy it was, to slip into an easy sort of companionship. To slip into a new role, the pretty molly from another clan. It was... nice. It didn't feel as much like being someone else as it should have. It felt, truly, more like being someone else when she came back to all the cats who look at him as the deputy's lazy son.
Would he be happier, he wonders, to be that cat? The one that Lupinepaw saw? He is not Thornpaw, or Laurelpaw, or Ashenpaw. He didn't know young.
She still doesn't quite know now, either. The label of molly fits far more comfortably, but still crooked.
But Swanpaw wants, and feels now that she has wanted for a long time.
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"SPEECH"
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SWANPAW ☁︎ he / him, apprentice of shadowclan, ten moons.
➳ a pale, silky-furred cream tabby with droopy blue eyes.
➳ dreamy and detached, more ghost than cat. known for his perpetual sleepiness.
➳halfshadex smogmaw, littermate to applepaw, garlicpaw, & ashenpaw.
➳ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking
➳ penned by SATURNID ↛ saturnids on discord, feel free to dm for plots.