- Oct 23, 2022
- 50
- 15
- 8
BEFORE READING, PLEASE NOTE THE DISCLOSURE THAT THIS DEVELOPMENT THREAD DEALS WITH FAMILIAL LOSS, PROCESSING GRIEF AND PANIC ATTACKS, AS WELL AS UNHEALTHY COPING MECHANISMS. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO READ THIS IF THOSE THINGS WILL DISTURB YOUR MENTAL STATE, BUT SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO, PLEASE MAKE YOURSELF A COMFORTING DRINK AND SNACK, AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE CARED FOR.
The first two moons of Mushroomkit's life felt like a dream.
Every morning, for as long as her kit brain could remember, her and Cotton woke up, had breakfast with mom while dad went out hunting, and then went over to auntie Lemon's den when he came back so the two could chat. Then they'd go back for a lunch nap, and spend every afternoon playing until the sun went down. Twice a moon they would take a day's travel to their grandfather's, and play with their other aunties and their uncle Thorn. It was the third time when it all went wrong, after mom tucked them into bed that night, telling them "Tomorrow, I'll ask grandpa to tell you the story of how he and grandma met."
The cacophony Mushroomkit awoke to was not that of her jovial family and birdsong, as it had been for day after day after day, the yellow light she came face to face with was not the sun. Her body felt empty inside as she screamed in terror. Lemon came crashing in first, shouldering the badger away from them before swiping paw after paw at the creature's eyes. Vaguely, she recalls the molly calling her mother before her and Cotton were swept up and away from the battle. She remembers the protests of her grandparents as she and Cotton were bundled into their fur, the exchanges of "I love you, I'll see you soon I promise" that she, in her shocked state, could not return. The last thing she ever heard her mother say was for them to get out of there.
Though they attempted to run, a few of the more juvenile badgers decided to make sure they didn't come back at all, one of them latching its jaws onto her grandfather and nearly dragging both of them back into the den. It wasn't until auntie Dawn and uncle Thorn clawed it off of him that the four of them could run. Yet that injury was seemingly not enough, for as they tried to stop and catch their breath, the older cats unable to keep up a sprinting pace for long. They hadn't realized that they had been so thoroughly followed, a more juvenile badger trying to make sure that they never had the chance to come back. Cotton was hoisted onto her grandfather's back without much room for anyone to protest. "I am going to love you until the stars fall and the sky becomes empty, please, please do not follow me."
And then they watched in horror as grandma shoved the badger, and consequently herself, off the side of the steep, sharp rocked path they were on.
Her wonderful dream, coated in rose and dusted with gold, had burned into ashes in a single night. She isn't sure if her account of the events that unfolded is accurate, but everything from that point on is a blur. She isn't sure what time that day they had gotten to Skyclan, or why they had gone there instead of back to her home. But....for a time....she didn't need to think about those things too much. She distracted herself, opened up to different kits and apprentices with a smile on her face. She fell into a new routine, and maybe...she didn't....want to think about those things. Maybe it was easier to just pretend like it didn't happen, pretend like her grandpa didn't have a fresh new scar forming under his fur, pretend like this was just one big new dream. It could last for as long as she wanted this time. She could be friends with Fireflykit and they could go on grand adventures to find out what things Dawnglare was hiding behind those sullen blue eyes of his, she could sit with the clan and listen to her grandfather's stories as he drew them into a world one could only have imagined before, and she could forget.
You can't forget, you can't act like it never happened.
Pumpkin was family. Family was everything....but even though she was happy to see her grandfather so jovial, the mere mention of her father's name alongside 'survivors' dredged up everything she didn't want to remember. It wasn't like the dam she had built was all that strong anyway, it wouldn't've taken much to tear it down, but she can't. She can't deal with the flood of emotions that wracks her as it fully sinks in that some of her family have died. That her mom is most likely gone and she never said "I love you, I love you so much and I never want this time with you to end." She doesn't remember what her last words to her mother was, what her last words to any of them were. The idea that she may never see some of them leaves a hole in her heart so big it feels like its going to swallow her.
She wants to get away from it she has to get away she has to RUN SHE HAS TO GET OUT-
Kits are not supposed to be out of camp, she knows this, she usually isn't one to break the rules but she cannot stand this feeling. Yet running from it does not remove it from her body. Mushroomkit makes it near the river before she is pulled to a stop by her lungs screaming at her, and she realizes that she's been hyperventilating, that her nose is clogged from snot and tears are coming down her face faster than the river that flows through the territory. 'It can't it can't it cant!' The kit lets out an anguished wail that burns her throat and sticks thorns into her lungs but she doesn't care. It can't be true, its not supposed to be this way. Her panic keeps building as she keeps swallowing air until she eventually heaves water onto the ground. Her head feels light, and standing feels unsteady to her.
"I want to wake up, I want to go home!" She sobs, curling in on herself as little kit claws dig and break in the cold ground. None of what she thinks or says makes sense, but she doesn't know how to make it make sense. All she can do is babble mindlessly as she drowns in the emotions that she had kept tucked away. At some point, she dissolves into "I'm sorry", as if she could've done better, could've done anything at all to change fate. Could she really? No, but it is a wish regardless.
Its a few hours before a patrol happens upon her, but by then her tears have dried, as well as the blood on her paws from how rough she was with her claws. They scold her for leaving, ask her if she's alright after seeing her wounds. 'I dont...want to feel like this anymore.' Mushroomkit thinks distantly, dazed and tired. So she smiles at the warriors, as if she was just a kit who wanted an adventure, it doesn't quite reach her eyes anymore.
"I'm okay. Can we go home?"
The first two moons of Mushroomkit's life felt like a dream.
Every morning, for as long as her kit brain could remember, her and Cotton woke up, had breakfast with mom while dad went out hunting, and then went over to auntie Lemon's den when he came back so the two could chat. Then they'd go back for a lunch nap, and spend every afternoon playing until the sun went down. Twice a moon they would take a day's travel to their grandfather's, and play with their other aunties and their uncle Thorn. It was the third time when it all went wrong, after mom tucked them into bed that night, telling them "Tomorrow, I'll ask grandpa to tell you the story of how he and grandma met."
The cacophony Mushroomkit awoke to was not that of her jovial family and birdsong, as it had been for day after day after day, the yellow light she came face to face with was not the sun. Her body felt empty inside as she screamed in terror. Lemon came crashing in first, shouldering the badger away from them before swiping paw after paw at the creature's eyes. Vaguely, she recalls the molly calling her mother before her and Cotton were swept up and away from the battle. She remembers the protests of her grandparents as she and Cotton were bundled into their fur, the exchanges of "I love you, I'll see you soon I promise" that she, in her shocked state, could not return. The last thing she ever heard her mother say was for them to get out of there.
Though they attempted to run, a few of the more juvenile badgers decided to make sure they didn't come back at all, one of them latching its jaws onto her grandfather and nearly dragging both of them back into the den. It wasn't until auntie Dawn and uncle Thorn clawed it off of him that the four of them could run. Yet that injury was seemingly not enough, for as they tried to stop and catch their breath, the older cats unable to keep up a sprinting pace for long. They hadn't realized that they had been so thoroughly followed, a more juvenile badger trying to make sure that they never had the chance to come back. Cotton was hoisted onto her grandfather's back without much room for anyone to protest. "I am going to love you until the stars fall and the sky becomes empty, please, please do not follow me."
And then they watched in horror as grandma shoved the badger, and consequently herself, off the side of the steep, sharp rocked path they were on.
Her wonderful dream, coated in rose and dusted with gold, had burned into ashes in a single night. She isn't sure if her account of the events that unfolded is accurate, but everything from that point on is a blur. She isn't sure what time that day they had gotten to Skyclan, or why they had gone there instead of back to her home. But....for a time....she didn't need to think about those things too much. She distracted herself, opened up to different kits and apprentices with a smile on her face. She fell into a new routine, and maybe...she didn't....want to think about those things. Maybe it was easier to just pretend like it didn't happen, pretend like her grandpa didn't have a fresh new scar forming under his fur, pretend like this was just one big new dream. It could last for as long as she wanted this time. She could be friends with Fireflykit and they could go on grand adventures to find out what things Dawnglare was hiding behind those sullen blue eyes of his, she could sit with the clan and listen to her grandfather's stories as he drew them into a world one could only have imagined before, and she could forget.
You can't forget, you can't act like it never happened.
Pumpkin was family. Family was everything....but even though she was happy to see her grandfather so jovial, the mere mention of her father's name alongside 'survivors' dredged up everything she didn't want to remember. It wasn't like the dam she had built was all that strong anyway, it wouldn't've taken much to tear it down, but she can't. She can't deal with the flood of emotions that wracks her as it fully sinks in that some of her family have died. That her mom is most likely gone and she never said "I love you, I love you so much and I never want this time with you to end." She doesn't remember what her last words to her mother was, what her last words to any of them were. The idea that she may never see some of them leaves a hole in her heart so big it feels like its going to swallow her.
She wants to get away from it she has to get away she has to RUN SHE HAS TO GET OUT-
Kits are not supposed to be out of camp, she knows this, she usually isn't one to break the rules but she cannot stand this feeling. Yet running from it does not remove it from her body. Mushroomkit makes it near the river before she is pulled to a stop by her lungs screaming at her, and she realizes that she's been hyperventilating, that her nose is clogged from snot and tears are coming down her face faster than the river that flows through the territory. 'It can't it can't it cant!' The kit lets out an anguished wail that burns her throat and sticks thorns into her lungs but she doesn't care. It can't be true, its not supposed to be this way. Her panic keeps building as she keeps swallowing air until she eventually heaves water onto the ground. Her head feels light, and standing feels unsteady to her.
"I want to wake up, I want to go home!" She sobs, curling in on herself as little kit claws dig and break in the cold ground. None of what she thinks or says makes sense, but she doesn't know how to make it make sense. All she can do is babble mindlessly as she drowns in the emotions that she had kept tucked away. At some point, she dissolves into "I'm sorry", as if she could've done better, could've done anything at all to change fate. Could she really? No, but it is a wish regardless.
Its a few hours before a patrol happens upon her, but by then her tears have dried, as well as the blood on her paws from how rough she was with her claws. They scold her for leaving, ask her if she's alright after seeing her wounds. 'I dont...want to feel like this anymore.' Mushroomkit thinks distantly, dazed and tired. So she smiles at the warriors, as if she was just a kit who wanted an adventure, it doesn't quite reach her eyes anymore.
"I'm okay. Can we go home?"
ALL I CAN DO IS DREAM ─
