sensitive topics EP.2 REQUIEM AETERNAM DEO // firefly

[MUSHROOMPAW]

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[This thread deals with a whole boatload of anxiety, bringing with it some descriptions of panic attacks, and discussions of mortality. Reader discretion is advised.]

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Running, she always ended up running from her problems, from her anxiety, like running would make it go away.

The tears had started not long after her paws had carried her out of the entrance, stumbling through mud and remnant snow alike, silent crying turning into forced sobs as her lungs struggled to keep enough oxygen going to both move and panic. Despite this, she keeps going, going and going and going. Still believing that if she ran far enough it would run the world backwards, take her back to when things were simple and she didn't have to contemplate her own death.

That's what being a warrior was, living and dying by and for your clan. It just hadn't settled on her shoulders like this before, it didn't sink in that they really meant that. Growing old was a privilege that's why her grandpa and Earthsoul were so respected. You didn't just live that long being in a group that wasn't just family. You died because of another clan like Haze, whom she had been told was struck down by Sootstar, or even how Blazestar lost some of his lives, or you died over a misunderstanding like Morningpaw, or even from unknown murderers like Centipedepaw. Their afterlife even gave their leaders extra lives because it was expected that clan cats would give their lives for the sake of others.

She didn't....she didn't know if she could do that. Be like her grandma and her mom and her aunts and uncles and her best friend.

Her foot slips on the ground beneath her and she tumbles, grass and dirt flying, sticking to her fur. Its fine though, she's fine. No she's not she wants to scream, she wants everything to "Stop, Stop PLEASE-" She wants to keep running, but she doesn't know where she is anymore, heaving air through her lungs as she wails. She thinks she looks stupid, she thinks she looks so fake, but she can't- "Please I just want everything to stop!" Her voice cracks, words pushed out through her frantic attempts to breathe because her nose is clogged and it feels like her mouth isn't giving her enough air.

She doesn't even know who she's asking this of.
@Fireflypaw​

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❁⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠——⁠⁠❁ OOC ⁠❁⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—❁⁠⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠❁ INFO ⁠❁⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠——❁

• - owowowowow
• [Please ping @/Chérie if this character is needed, instead of this account]
  
  MUSHROOMKIT-MUSHROOMPAW
  5 moons, closeted afab nb [uses she/her]
  A comically small flame mink molly with some white spotting and green-tinged aqua eyes
  Mushroompaw is generally a bleeding heart of an apprentice, and combined with her suspetibility to stress, causes her to be a little more on the numb side of things now that she's an apprentice. Though she tries to be kind and bubbly to everyone she meets, the comfortable hyperactive chaos that was once given to Skyclan's members has dwindled severely in recent weeks, culminating with her apprentice ceremony not long ago. Currently she's struggling to figure out if her friendships and familial figures are worth staying in the clans for, or if she's better off refusing a life of war for one of peace.
  Speaks in yellow
  
  pixels by emptyproxy and memel0rd on DA​

 

[Fireflyglow]

Fireflypaw can hear Her voice against his ears as he runs, his mind cleared of everything except his best friend. She whispers to him that everything will be okay, that Mushroompaw needed him right now. Toughen up that bottom lip and move, run. Else she lose her way, and you with her. His eyes wide with worry, smacking into trees and through bushes until his fur is a mess with debris. His breathing is ragged, and if it weren't for the sobs of his best friend, he would have been left behind long ago. The silence eating at his ears, paranoid thoughts of what if, what if? preaching to the choir. He hasn't talked since he ran after he, never calling after her- she needed to get away, escape- Fireflypaw understood.

When she finally slows down, Mushie falls over- tripped over her own paws. He knows from the way her sobs get louder, the sound of her tiny body hitting the ground and snapping twigs beneath her paws and legs. Fireflypaw shuts his eyes then, she wails- Please, I just want everything to stop! He flinches. The seal point moves around her side ever so cautiously, until he's crouched down beside his friend. "I'm here," Fireflypaw breathes out of his nose, panting. "What hurts?" He doesn't specify what he means, doesn't know just how bad things were. Dying for ones Clan seemed so normal to him, the whole reason why he was alive was because they made sure he was protected- because Dawnglare had healed him and Chose him.

His breaths slow down finally, worrying the inside of his cheek between his molars. He can hear the distant sound of a bird's wings flapping, she asks him to make it stop. Fireflypaw hesitates, moving to face his friend and then pushes his paws to her ears- attempting to cover them. "It's just you and me, Mushie. C'mon, look at me." He meows softly, "I'll make it all stop- so please, look at me. Everything will- Everything will be okay."​

 

[MUSHROOMPAW]

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She flinches away from Fireflypaw at first, his sudden appearance and touch startling, for in her rush she had not even heard anyone coming after her. Had it been any other creature perhaps her ignorance would've been a fatal mistake, but it is Firefly, and he is safety. He blocks out the sound of the forest with his paws, pulling the thrumming of her own heartbeat to the forefront alongside his voice, grounding, calming. It does nothing to hinder her sobs, but it alleviates the hysteria, turning wails into small hiccups as she leans forward to press her face into his fluff. "I'm scared, I'm scared Fi I don't want to die. I don't want to be killed." Because that is what life has shown her is the fate of warriors and their apprentices. Though as she tries to open the dam slowly, words bubbling out at her discretion, somewhere it begins to crack around the opening, and the pressure shatters her restraint.

"Why did we come here? Why didn't grandpa go to dad? Why does everyone have to fight all the time? Why did Morning have to die? Why did Windclan have to attack us?" She doesn't expect answers, though she wants them, none of them will ever make her happy. "Fi why didn't I get a choice to be Skyclan? Why was my life decided for me?" Its not technically the truth, both of them know that she could leave any time she wanted, that no one was physically keeping her in the clan, but she lets the question slip out anyway. The pressure of her love and loyalty to those she cares for feels like the entire forest is reaching up with writhing roots to keep her there. Once those connections felt like a lifeline, and now it was as if they had become shackles.

Some small part of her, horrible and hurting, wants him to feel just as awful as she does now.​

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❁⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠——⁠⁠❁ OOC ⁠❁⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—❁⁠⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠❁ INFO ⁠❁⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠——❁

• - owowowowow
• [Please ping @/Chérie if this character is needed, instead of this account]
  
  MUSHROOMKIT-MUSHROOMPAW
  5 moons, closeted afab nb [uses she/her]
  A comically small flame mink molly with some white spotting and green-tinged aqua eyes
  Mushroompaw is generally a bleeding heart of an apprentice, and combined with her suspetibility to stress, causes her to be a little more on the numb side of things now that she's an apprentice. Though she tries to be kind and bubbly to everyone she meets, the comfortable hyperactive chaos that was once given to Skyclan's members has dwindled severely in recent weeks, culminating with her apprentice ceremony not long ago. Currently she's struggling to figure out if her friendships and familial figures are worth staying in the clans for, or if she's better off refusing a life of war for one of peace.
  Speaks in yellow
  
  pixels by emptyproxy and memel0rd on DA​

 

[Fireflyglow]

Hiccuping sobs ricochet in the child's chest as she cries into his fur, big paws helpful for once in the act of shielding her sensitive ears from overstimulation. Deafening her to the ruckus around them, natural sounds silenced in the grace of charcoal-kissed paws. He hopes the smell of mint calms her further, allows her to breathe- open up her airways enough so shallow gasps could be drawn. Grounding, calming. I'm scared, I'm scared Fi I don't want to die. I don't want to be killed. Mushie chokes out to him, the inevitable promise of death lingering behind them all at every corner. The life of a Warrior was a dangerous one, he knew. He wouldn't survive long in that role, thankful the High Priest had rescued him from such a fate. Now, he could no longer die- he was unwavering, timeless. "I know," He breathes softly, seeks to reassure. Nobody wants to die, do they? His eyes flutter open, his back to light; her face is blurry, snot and tears running down her face. And yet, she's still so pretty in her worst moments. His forehead presses to her own, dark ears flicking back against his head as a deep rumble resonates in his chest; loud purring vibrating.

Why did we come here? Why didn't grandpa go to dad? Why does everyone have to fight all the time? Why did Morning have to die? Why did Windclan have to attack us? His best friend asks, but she expects no genuine answer from the seal point. He wants to give her a good answer, wants to say it's up to StarClan and them alone to know the answer. But he's sure not even they know. How could they, if they weren't on Mother's grounds any longer? Fi why didn't I get a choice to be Skyclan? Why was my life decided for me? He wonders this himself, as he was given the choice- the realization that he was given much more freedom in life dawning on him. Mushroompaw wasn't given the chance to choose where she wanted to go, who she wanted to be; she was taken to a strange place with strange cats that worshipped strange deities in the stars that nobody but their Leader and Medicine Cat has seen. He lets her vent, sobbing all the while- though he never moves from his place of comfort. He wants to let her cry it all out; holding it all in does nobody any good, especially Mushie.

His voice cracks as he speaks, "We're.. We're only kids, Mushie." He hiccups softly, bottom lip trembling as tears well up in his own eyes. When she cries, it makes him want to cry, too. He pulls his friend closer, hugging her tightly- anything to make the feelings more bearable. He doesn't know what to say, but he knows what he can do. He can support her, be by her side through this tough moment in her life. Even if it hurts him to see her like this, especially on such a joyous day. Nobody ever thinks about what could happen if things go wrong as an apprentice, but Centipedepaw and Morningpaw's fates were still ever so fresh on everyone's mind. The guilt of accepting his baby sister's death when everyone else hadn't, it ate at him. Who was he, to begin to move on so soon? "Things will get better, Mushie.. It will. It's rough right now, hard to handle- but I know it'll get better. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow- but it will."​

 

[MUSHROOMPAW]

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"All the apprentices are only kids! Its-Its not fair!" She doesn't know what she's referring to, but in their world, anything could be used to fill in the blank. Coyotepaw being forced to navigate a raid, that light colored apprentice from Windclan shoved into being the front runner for theft, Morningpaw, Snowpaw, Centipedepaw, Figpaw- Nothing was fair even though they were all only kids. Taking up the mantle of apprentice seemed to mean being a kid or adult when it was convenient for the warriors for you to be one or the other. It felt wishy-washy at best.

She lets him surround her in his warmth, in a hug so tight anyone else would be claustrophobic, but still for all she trusts him.....she cannot believe his words. Cannot believe that things would get better because the clans were set in their ways, born from war and doomed to eternally partake in it. She did not know if she wanted that life, if her grandfather knew what he was bringing them to when he fled with the speed of moor rabbits away from both places she had called home. How could things be better when no one saw that there were problems? When their attempts to fix the problems that happened only lead to more heartbreak? She wants to say all of this to him, wants to convey the absolute despair of being stuck in a cycle that will never break no matter how hard they try-

But she doesn't. She chokes on her words, holds him tighter like he's going to leave at any moment. She's so tired, an exhaustion that sinks into her very being, it does not ease with sleep, does not ease with the crying, the wailing words of her heart lain out into the forest's song. There is a shame that wants to bury it, that shakes at the idea of going back to camp after making a scene as her temperature begins to spike under Firefly's paws. Most of the air that should've gone into her lungs is in her stomach now, adding to the nauseous feeling she gets. Some part of her says that this was always going to happen, that it was always going to end up like this and there's nothing she could've done.

Mushroompaw is still crying when she pulls back to look at her friend some moments later, though no longer heaving sobs. "Fi....can..can we stay out here for a bit? I don't...everyone's going to look at me wrong because I ruined everything. I don't want to-" 'I don't want them to look at me with those eyes.' The last part goes unsaid, her mind finding it too silly and too dramatic to say aloud, but there are no other ways she can think to word it.​

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❁⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠——⁠⁠❁ OOC ⁠❁⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—❁⁠⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠❁ INFO ⁠❁⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠——❁

• - owowowowow
• [Please ping @/Chérie if this character is needed, instead of this account]
  
  MUSHROOMKIT-MUSHROOMPAW
  5 moons, closeted afab nb [uses she/her]
  A comically small flame mink molly with some white spotting and green-tinged aqua eyes
  Mushroompaw is generally a bleeding heart of an apprentice, and combined with her suspetibility to stress, causes her to be a little more on the numb side of things now that she's an apprentice. Though she tries to be kind and bubbly to everyone she meets, the comfortable hyperactive chaos that was once given to Skyclan's members has dwindled severely in recent weeks, culminating with her apprentice ceremony not long ago. Currently she's struggling to figure out if her friendships and familial figures are worth staying in the clans for, or if she's better off refusing a life of war for one of peace.
  Speaks in yellow
  
  pixels by emptyproxy and memel0rd on DA​