private EVERYONE'S A VIP TO SOMEONE \ blazestar

[TWITCHBOLT]

Would there ever be a day on this earth when Twitchbolt didn't feel like a terrible bother in everything he did? Even in acts of kindness he felt like an awful bother; the feeling swelled within him now, and he was reminded of it with every beat of his heart. Fickle, foolish mind... he knew, knew it was childish to think this way. To- to think that other cats would find him annoying just for existing. Such ingrained feelings were difficult just to shake off, though.

He blinked, hard, poking his head into the leader's den. "Blazestar, I-" And- and then he realised what he'd done. Shoved himself in somewhere he wasn't welcome. Internally smashing his head against the nearest rock- but externally merely twitching a couple times- the brown-and-white tom hastily yanked his head back outside."Um! I... wanted to bring you prey, but- well... y'know..." He grimaced, and the rest of the excuse died in his throat.

Oh, what dictated this should be so difficult! Still, still! In standing up for himself he'd found his voice, but... sometimes it was still difficult to use it. He doubted he'd ever really be as perfect as he wished he was. "I just wanted to, to, to- to ask if you're alright," he sighed at last, still standing outside and postured as if looking at the door might make his eyes explode out of his head. "If you're better."

\ @BLAZESTAR !​

penned by pin ✧​

 

[BLAZESTAR]

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XXXXXIt had been sometime since Blazestar had had a visitor besides Dawnglare or Fireflypaw. The yellowcough had kept cats at bay, a more effective barrier than the elderberry bush arching over his den. Even as he slowly, painfully recovers, Blazestar lacks for company. Cats are busy just now fending off rogues and putting their idle paws to work in the absence of their Clanmates. Twitchbolt’s voice, though, is welcome—the Ragdoll’s ears flick forward at his lead warrior’s call. “Twitchbolt? Come in,” Blazestar says, his voice faint, as though he hasn’t the strength to use it properly.

XXXXXThe young warrior looks nervous, as though he’s somewhere he shouldn’t be. Blazestar huffs with amusement, eyes disappointedly noting the lack of prey. “You wanted to bring me prey, but there is none,” he says with a low, dry chuckle. “Now that my appetite has returned, there’s nothing to satiate it with. StarClan has a cruel sense of humor sometimes, don’t you agree?” He coughs, but it’s dry, too, with no phlegm. There’s no infection left in him—his death had cleansed his insides with fire. “Come sit with me, at least. Company will make a good distraction.”

XXXXX“I wanted to ask if you’re alright,” the young tom says. “If you’re better.” Blazestar nods slowly. “I’m not sick anymore, if that’s what you mean.” He begins to groom the thick fur about his neck and chest, a far away look in his blue eyes. “But I’m ready to get my strength back so I can start hunting for the Clan again.” He pauses, meeting Twitchbolt’s green gaze earnestly. “Thank you, for helping Silversmoke and Johnnyflame hold the Clan together in my absence.” He shifts in his nest, a low purr rumbling in his hollow chest. “Despite your differences, I trust you all implicitly.”

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[TWITCHBOLT]

The chuckle he offered Blazestar was a low one, croaked and wracked with the thought of how depressing it actually was. "It's, um- yeah. Not- not... nothing can be easy, can it?" he offered, a half smile playing on his lips. A grateful nod moved his head as he padded toward his leader, sitting by his side as instructed. As invited. Because this wasn't duty and this wasn't a favour, was it? It was different than that. Twitchbolt still couldn't believe how ingrained in his thought-process it was that everyone who kept him around just wanted something out of him.

There was still a certain air of wooziness about Blazestar, still slightly sapped of his strength- but there was clarity in his faraway gaze that Twitchbolt hadn't seen the day the leader had fallen ill. Wide eyes settled intently on the golden tom's face, and they crinkled with a slight shaky smile as he proclaimed he was excited to be back hunting again. "I hope you- you have more luck with it than the rest of us," Twitchbolt joked, though the quiver of his body dampened the charisma of it a little.

Then- Blazestar thanked him. Twitchbolt looked as bewildered as if Blazestar had dislocated his jaw with a powerful swipe. Said jaw hung ajar for a few moments, before a light switched back on behind his eyes, and he blinked tenfold in a flurry of face-spasms. "Oh, I- I, y'know- it was-" A frustrated sigh slipped out of him. "It's my job, isn't it?" he shrugged, paws kneading the ground. "All of us, we're- supposed to, y'know? No- no need to thank me. I didn't do much, anyway, it's- them, really..." Older than him, wiser than him. There was no chance he was pulling equal weight than them, no matter how much he felt like it. ​

penned by pin ✧​

 

[BLAZESTAR]

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XXXXXTwitchbolt steps into his den with trepidatious pawsteps, eyes flicking to and fro as though he’s gone somewhere he isn’t meant to. Blazestar looks at him, remembering Ravencall and Tidespin and the way they’d belittled him from kithood—he wonders how much of that has been ingrained into him now. Sympathy glows in blue eyes; he knows now how a cat’s kithood can influence so much of who they are. He thinks of Burnstorm and Moonwhisper, his fur rippling with unease, with a sadness he suddenly can’t suppress. “No, nothing can be easy,” he murmurs, offering a smile that looks oddly broken. “But if it is not StarClan’s will that it be easy, then it must be their will that we overcome it.”

XXXXXTwitchbolt says he hopes Blazestar has better luck with hunting than the rest of their Clanmates have. The Ragdoll’s mouth twitches into a more wholesome smile. “I’d better, or we’ll all go hungry at this point,” he rasps, stretching. His limbs hit both ends of his nest, the muscles burning from lack of use. “And don’t downplay all you’ve done for SkyClan, Twitchbolt.” His gaze turns serious. “It is your job, yes… it is your duty. But don’t think I don’t appreciate the work you’ve done for your Clan. For me.” His tail thumps against the earth lightly. “How has it been, truly? Did you like your taste of leadership?” He can somewhat imagine Silversmoke and Johnnyflame in his position or Orangeblossom’s position, but Twitchbolt—somehow the extent of the youngest lead warrior’s potential, though great, is still veiled to him.

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[TWITCHBOLT]

Blazestar was wise. An odd thing to observe at his big age- it felt like a childish note to take, like he was a kit staring up at someone inconceivably older than him- but his faith in StarClan was unshakeable, and the words moved Twitchbolt's head in a nod. Daisyflight had never revered StarClan that much, never spoke of their guidance and will- it was odd, now, that Twitchbolt had so much faith in them because of her. Because he knew she was up there.

His nose wrinkled with a half-hearted laugh- he hoped, genuinely, that the leader's addition to the hunting patrols would bolster their luck. Pessimism often ruled his perception, however- he'd not verbalise it. Inflicting that issue, rampant and stormy in his skull, would probably be passed as some sort of terrible cruelty. As Blazestar insisted on his thanks, though, Twitchbolt suddenly felt as if the soft water-blue of the leader's gaze was going to somehow incinerate him.

"I, um- I..." What was there to say? Would he just make himself look more like a bumbling fool, or- or would Blazestar think he was being idiotically modest in order to fish for compliments? "I- thank you," he breathed, the sigh sounding as if someone had lifted a boulder off of his chest. A thanks for a thanks.

Did you like your taste of leadership? It had not been something of which he'd dwelled on his opinion. "It was... it was..." His paws tapped erratically, as if he was attempting to chase something. A twitch of individual eyelids fluttered on his face. "It was scary. It was- stressful, it was... it felt... strange." He sighed. This was not an apt summary of his feelings, even slightly. "I think it made me realise... how much I actually care, if that makes sense. And I thought I cared before. But I was just worried, all the time! Constantly worried about everyone! And I worry all the time, but it was..."

This wasn't making him look good, was it? Measured or responsible or anything he was supposed to be. He wasn't any of that. "How do you put up with it?"​

penned by pin ✧​

 

[BLAZESTAR]

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XXXXXBlazestar acknowledges Twitchbolt’s returning thank you with the slightest incline of his head. He shifts, getting comfortable—it feels as though his bones are poking up through his pelt in some positions—and listens to Twitchbolt’s confession. Leadership, the young warrior tells him, had been stressful and strange. The Ragdoll listens patiently, his tail tip flicking loftily. Even still, his blue eyes are intense. “You’ve always cared, but being responsible for their lives makes things different, doesn’t it?” He smiles. “SkyClan became my family, but also my responsibility, the day I took over for Rain. Some of that responsibility is on your shoulders now, as a lead warrior.”

XXXXXHe almost laughs at Twitchbolt’s question. “How do you put up with it?” Blazestar blinks. “It’s not easy, that’s for sure, but I don’t put up with it so much as I… I am,” he tries to explain, laughing. The chuckle breaks up into a cough, but it eases and passes quickly. “I have been SkyClan’s leader so long that I know no other way to be. That doesn’t mean I’m perfect, and it doesn’t mean I don’t have trouble making decisions.” His expression grows marginally more serious. “But all cats in our positions have those moments. You don’t think yourself weak if you are having one—you just get through it and rejoice that you have.”

XXXXXWhat he doesn’t tell Twitchbolt is that he does think himself weak, does have moments of serious self-doubt, but they have lessened with age and experience. Blazestar wonders if someday, Twitchbolt might find that out for himself—if all of his lead warriors, in their own way, might.

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[TWITCHBOLT]

Being responsible for their lives makes things different, doesn't it? Twitchbolt had to nod. Not because it was polite- not just because it was polite, but because he wholeheartedly agreed. There was something so entirely different than simply telling off unruly apprentices or being asked for advice when needed, at beck-and-call when requested. It was responsibility, but nowhere near as lofty and sickening. Family and responsibility. It felt right, but it also felt horrifying.

It was no different than it always was, though. Everything seemed horrifying when he had been an apprentice- some things still nerved him to nausea even now. But Blazestar saying I am resonated, because- he was the same, really. He'd managed it up until this point, sometimes bristling and sometimes sobbing and sometimes saying things he regretted, but he was what he was and had not been ousted for the crime of doubt, yet. That was something. "Yeah," he murmured. It was a feeble agreement, but the word was given with the smallest dash of admiration that gave away quite how much he agreed. "It's so much, but- it feels good to, to, to do it. Once it's done."

The decision-making was the worst, Blazestar was right about that.

Doubts, trouble, they didn't make you weak. You get through it, Blazestar said, and Twitchbolt nodded with a new-bloomed fascination. SkyClan as a whole was worth caring for- it was close as kin, the hardiest Clan of them all and worth protecting for those reasons alone. But Twitchbolt couldn't deny there were some things- some cats that kept him going in particular.

"What- what helps you get through it?" Twitchbolt asked. There was no bewilderment in his tone- there was instead a spark of earnest curiosity and a crystal-clear knowledge in his voice that there must be something. His eyelid spasmed, but his lips were curved just-slightly with a smile.​

penned by pin ✧​