- Aug 18, 2022
- 702
- 185
- 43
cw: self doubt / loathing, depression, anxiety, panic attack, violence.
tldr is at the bottom !! enjoy !
they're always tired. it's not even a surprise anymore. no one looked at them differently when they dragged their paws back into camp, a look of exhaustion as they tried to give their clanmates a smile, trying to reassure them. so... why had this time felt so different? why did this exhaustion feel so differently than all the other times? they felt useless. there was so much happening that they couldn't stop, that they couldn't control and when they did... no one bothered to listen. they continued to cause problems, and make it that much harder for chilledgaze to be the deputy they were chosen to be. they didn't even want to do this anymore. they wanted to be numb again– they wanted to feel nothing. the void was a lot more comfortable than having to feel any of this. they didn't want to feel anything.
as they laid in their nest, claws gently pulling at the moss that lined it, before they just clicked their tongue roughly against the roof of their mouth, forcing themself up and walking out of the den. a cold wind swept past them, making them clench their jaw with a grunt. with a frustrated lash of their tail, they ran out of camp, paws thumping loudly against the cold hard ground, packing the snow further as they ran. they needed to get away, even if for a little bit.
as they slowed down their pace, they felt tears prick at the corner of their eyes. their tail lashed angrily behind them with a huff, as they stood still, looking around with an uncomfortably sad look on their face. they couldn't hold this down anymore. they needed to just let it go. and so they did. they collapsed to a seated position, broken sobs leaving them. their paw shakily lifted to their mouth, trying to cover the patheticness of the noises they had been making. their salted tears hadn't stopped, body quivering both from the cold and the emotions escaping them. they could barely breathe like this, but it didn't stop. they were spiraling into panic, breaths becoming ragged and heavy.
breathe, chilledgaze. breathe.
a voice echoed and instinctively, they took a breath in and out. in and out. they lowered their paw back to the ground, sniffingly with a cough. their head hurt. they'd cried and it didn't make them feel better... it only made them feel worse. had they truly that weak of a deputy? no one even listened to them. they tried their hardest but it didn't matter. betonyfrost was insane, claiming to love them and that only made them sick to their stomach. halfshade looked at them in ways that made them understand that she hadn't respected the deputy. it was a facade. smogmaw barely tolerated anyone but somehow it hurt worse when it came to them. they were so sensitive... why couldn't they just turn it off!?
with a hiss, they stood to their paws, ears flattening against their head as they paced back and forth. they won't ever respect me if i sit and coddle them! fine, then! no more! no one gets to talk to me like im some kit! i am their deputy, and they will treat me as such! they thought bitterly. they wiped their ears from their face, before turning to trek back into camp.
who knew how long they'd been gone for. they were obviously in a worse mood than they'd been when they left, but they didn't care. their ears twitched at the sound of a warrior approaching them, gaze lazily moving to them.
"where have you been? some deputy you are. leaving when we clearly need you around and-"
the warrior is cut off by chilledgaze suddenly hitting them in the face. their claws had been sheathed, and part of them wished it hadn't been. maybe blood would have been more effective.
"watch your tongue, warrior. i am your deputy. you treat me with respect and you don't get to fucking question what I'm doing. I break my fucking back every single day to make sure you have something to eat. making sure your safe. even if you just wanna sit around and lick your ass, i will not be doing the same. disrespect me once more, and we will be having you for dinner instead."
with a snort, they turned and went back into their nest, sitting and facing away from everyone. they let out a shaky breath, lazily blinking. if they wanted to be rude, they would be met with anger. however, if they decided to treat them the way they deserved, then chilledgaze would return the kindness. suck it up, chilledgaze. emotions are a weakness. you know that better than anyone.
they were a lot of things, but weak was not one of them. they only took another breath in, nose twitching. numb. they were numb again. this felt a lot better. they could at least deal with this. you're going to regret turning yourself off like this. their ear twitched with a slow blink. i know.
// tldr: chilledgaze's next development is leading them to become a little off. mostly becoming numb and stoic, except for bursts of anger in response to the anger of others.
tldr is at the bottom !! enjoy !
they're always tired. it's not even a surprise anymore. no one looked at them differently when they dragged their paws back into camp, a look of exhaustion as they tried to give their clanmates a smile, trying to reassure them. so... why had this time felt so different? why did this exhaustion feel so differently than all the other times? they felt useless. there was so much happening that they couldn't stop, that they couldn't control and when they did... no one bothered to listen. they continued to cause problems, and make it that much harder for chilledgaze to be the deputy they were chosen to be. they didn't even want to do this anymore. they wanted to be numb again– they wanted to feel nothing. the void was a lot more comfortable than having to feel any of this. they didn't want to feel anything.
as they laid in their nest, claws gently pulling at the moss that lined it, before they just clicked their tongue roughly against the roof of their mouth, forcing themself up and walking out of the den. a cold wind swept past them, making them clench their jaw with a grunt. with a frustrated lash of their tail, they ran out of camp, paws thumping loudly against the cold hard ground, packing the snow further as they ran. they needed to get away, even if for a little bit.
as they slowed down their pace, they felt tears prick at the corner of their eyes. their tail lashed angrily behind them with a huff, as they stood still, looking around with an uncomfortably sad look on their face. they couldn't hold this down anymore. they needed to just let it go. and so they did. they collapsed to a seated position, broken sobs leaving them. their paw shakily lifted to their mouth, trying to cover the patheticness of the noises they had been making. their salted tears hadn't stopped, body quivering both from the cold and the emotions escaping them. they could barely breathe like this, but it didn't stop. they were spiraling into panic, breaths becoming ragged and heavy.
breathe, chilledgaze. breathe.
a voice echoed and instinctively, they took a breath in and out. in and out. they lowered their paw back to the ground, sniffingly with a cough. their head hurt. they'd cried and it didn't make them feel better... it only made them feel worse. had they truly that weak of a deputy? no one even listened to them. they tried their hardest but it didn't matter. betonyfrost was insane, claiming to love them and that only made them sick to their stomach. halfshade looked at them in ways that made them understand that she hadn't respected the deputy. it was a facade. smogmaw barely tolerated anyone but somehow it hurt worse when it came to them. they were so sensitive... why couldn't they just turn it off!?
with a hiss, they stood to their paws, ears flattening against their head as they paced back and forth. they won't ever respect me if i sit and coddle them! fine, then! no more! no one gets to talk to me like im some kit! i am their deputy, and they will treat me as such! they thought bitterly. they wiped their ears from their face, before turning to trek back into camp.
who knew how long they'd been gone for. they were obviously in a worse mood than they'd been when they left, but they didn't care. their ears twitched at the sound of a warrior approaching them, gaze lazily moving to them.
"where have you been? some deputy you are. leaving when we clearly need you around and-"
the warrior is cut off by chilledgaze suddenly hitting them in the face. their claws had been sheathed, and part of them wished it hadn't been. maybe blood would have been more effective.
"watch your tongue, warrior. i am your deputy. you treat me with respect and you don't get to fucking question what I'm doing. I break my fucking back every single day to make sure you have something to eat. making sure your safe. even if you just wanna sit around and lick your ass, i will not be doing the same. disrespect me once more, and we will be having you for dinner instead."
with a snort, they turned and went back into their nest, sitting and facing away from everyone. they let out a shaky breath, lazily blinking. if they wanted to be rude, they would be met with anger. however, if they decided to treat them the way they deserved, then chilledgaze would return the kindness. suck it up, chilledgaze. emotions are a weakness. you know that better than anyone.
they were a lot of things, but weak was not one of them. they only took another breath in, nose twitching. numb. they were numb again. this felt a lot better. they could at least deal with this. you're going to regret turning yourself off like this. their ear twitched with a slow blink. i know.
// tldr: chilledgaze's next development is leading them to become a little off. mostly becoming numb and stoic, except for bursts of anger in response to the anger of others.
[ NOBODY ELSE MATTERS, GIRL ]
