private everything in time - silversmoke

[CROWSIGHT]

They're supposed to be training he knows that, but he's been thinking for awhile. Silversmoke is a clumsy tom when it comes to him for some reason. It's as if his own mentor is afraid of him and he's not sure why. He has been listening to Silversmoke and following his wishes most of the time. Emphasis on most of the time because there are days where he refuses to train because of how Silversmoke addresses him. Today, to his mentor it would seem as such. Crowpaw has grown and not just physically. When Silversmoke first took him in, he had to crane his neck in order to look at his mentors face. Now, he doesn't have to crane his head so much. Growth spurt aside, Crowpaw has become more fierce when it comes to battling. One would say that it would make sense since Silversmoke himself specialized in battle. The young apprentice fought rogues and received his fair share of wounds. Even though he has a lot to learn, he hopes his mentor is at least a little proud of how far he's come.

Silversmoke was trying to get him to practice, yet he remained where he was, unmoving. A blink. "Silversmoke," he mews. Then, he stares into his mentors mismatched eyes. "I have a request." It was evident that the apprentice would not be taking no as an answer nor would he wait for permission to make a request towards his mentor. "Treat me as your own son." Uhm. That was rather odd and demanding. If Silversmoke rightfully did a double take, he would not flinch. Hopefully he didn't give his mentor a heart attack, but you never know. After all, how would one react when your student demanded to be your child? There was a reason for this and he would explain why in hopes that his mentor would understand his goals and support them. Usually Crowpaw would not speak, answering in short sentences. It was not because he was uncapable of speaking more than a few words, rather he didn't want to burden those with his true thoughts. Namely those whom he once considered his mother and littermates. Now, he had none of those things. He no longer had to hold back. If I'm as weird as you say Lupinepaw, then I can't be fixed. So why bother hiding it anymore?

"When we had our first training session I realized something. You're either afraid of me or you don't know how to talk to me. I am not as fragile as you think I am and I want you to talk to me more. I admire you Silversmoke. I want to be like you and I want to make you proud. When I first saw you and said you had a funny face, I thought, I want a funny face too. That day, when you and Johnnyflame sparred, I was beyond happy that you are my mentor. You looked alive while fighting and I want to make you feel that way more. But, I feel like you don't want to be close to me. Or maybe you don't know how to be. I don't know, so I'm asking you to treat me like your son because if I'm yours maybe you would be more comfortable around me." Crowpaw would be lying to say he wasn't nervous about what Silversmoke would say. If he was rejected, then he would lose it. Silversmoke is by no means his father, he is aware of that, so he shouldn't be upset if he were to be rejected. Silversmoke is the only thing you have left. If he rejects you too, then it makes what Lupinepaw said true. In truth, if Silversmoke actually said no he would remain silent and try to forget he even tried. Every training session from this point forward he would mindlessly do as he was told and then once he was asked to rest, he would bury himself in work. Anything to do that proved he was not too broken.

Crowpaw would look down at his paws. "I know what I'm asking sounds crazy, but I want to get stronger. If you accept, I promise I won't complain too much and work harder. And when I'm strong, I'll repay you with everything I have." Even if you say no, I'll get stronger on my own. I have to. I'm sick of being weak.

// @SILVERSMOKE

 

[SILVERSMOKE]

Narrowed eyes revealed all of Silversmoke's emotions when it came to Crowpaw's training that day. He was never as difficult as Chrysalis was to listen to instructions, all the same, his fur bristled the longer that the tom's head seemed to linger in the clouds. In a way, it was to be expected, he found his own attention slipping whenever he remembered the battle and all the events that predated it, but the past was hardly an excuse to not better oneself in the present. Each consecutive command was louder and louder from the tabby, snappier too, until the young feline turned his head and said his name as if he'd seemingly had enough of being bossed around. His tail lashed in warning, he would put the other on tick duty until he was in the right headspace to concentrate, instead, Crowpaw wanted something from him. A sharp nod was offered, 'continue', then came the demand. Heavy silence engulfed the air, swallowing any semblance of frustration the Lead Warrior felt towards his wayward apprentice. When he finally spoke, his words were weak, as if cutting through the quiet was a toll greater than anything he'd faced before. "I... excuse me?"

He choked on the air he'd gulped in shock, the corners of his eyes watering as he tried to suppress his cough. How in StarClan's name was he supposed to react to that!? His heart began to thrum, louder and louder, faster and faster, until he was certain it was about to escape its boney cage and fly off to Silverpelt - at least there it would get some rest from the nonsense his clan put him through. Crowpaw began to explain and a part of it began to ground the spotted tom before the realisation set in that he had not been as subtle about his discomfort as he thought and it seemed his muscles wanted to fly away from his own body once more. "That's not..." True? But oh StarClan, it was. He liked children, but so many saw him as the fun-killer that he'd forgotten what it was like to be admired by them. Crowpaw's admittance equally warmed the Lead Warrior and shattered his psyche into a billion pieces, he would've wept for the smoke's predicament had it not directly involved himself. Crow looked down to his paws with a final offer and Silversmoke's voice was as quick as a lunging adder. "I don't want to be repayed for anything, I train apprentices for SkyClan, not to have them be indebted to me." If Crowpaw truly wanted to repay him, he would do so by being the best damn warrior of his generation.

"You make me nervous because you're unpredictable. Most cats in SkyClan are easy to understand, not you, it seems like you would argue the sky was purple if it meant someone paid attention to you." The most unpredictable thing of all? Crowpaw liking him. After Chrysaliswing's training and Silversmoke's absence from his ceremony, after his spats with Bobbie about... well, everything, he'd thought Crowpaw would've loathed him as a mentor. Instead, he seemed to relish in it, wearing it as a badge of honour in spite of his mother's wishes. 'Not that she has room to protest,' he thought to himself, 'She left them alone at a young age to go play hero.' "And wanting me to treat you like a son it's... unorthodox. How exactly do you think I would treat a son? I'm no father, and it's not like I can ask my own for advice." He was long gone, some drifter who'd seemingly slunk into his parent's life just to ruin it, then moved on when he realised the pieces were too cracked to reassemble. Crowpaw could relate, he thought, perhaps not with the same level of vitriol for a being he had never met, but there was an absence in his heart that couldn't be filled.

The Lead Warrior leaned forward, ignoring the pinch in his clavicle at the gesture. "Look," he mewed firmly, rallying his wandering thoughts as best he could. "I'll do whatever it takes for you to take training seriously, but this is a big ask. What happens if you're not satisfied with how I would treat a made-up son? Apprentices aren't exactly known for seeing eye-to-eye with warriors."
​

 

[CROWSIGHT]

Naturally he assumed his mentor would be gobsmacked by the request. He's never seen his mentor at such a loss. As if they were prey trapped within his claws. It didn't suit the silver tom. A brow would raise when Silversmoke attempted to justify himself, which was promptly given up on. There was no need to feel ashamed. It was more shameful to try and lie. To say that he had not been acting strange and that it was all in Crowpaw's head. The response he's given is expected. It was just like the silver tom to say that he refused to be repaid, but he has given a hint. The manner in which he can repay his mentor is becoming the greatest warrior that has ever lived. One that will be talked about for generations to come. His response is equally as quick "Then I'll become the best warrior." A knowing glint in his eyes could be seen. Curse one of Bobbie's children being awfully observant. In some ways Crowpaw is no different from an adder waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

An explanation is given as to why he unnerves his mentor. It is nice to finally have a name for his mentors emotions. He was worried that his apprentice feared him for some reason, not that unnerving his mentor is any better, but he'd rather take that then Silversmoke outright being terrified of him. The knowledge that he is difficult to understand is not new to him. Growing up he always had an understanding he was not normal. Cherrypaw being the first to teach him that staring for prolonged times was rude and unnerving. Even with her guidance he can't help himself from staring at cats for too long. In short, he is not displeased that his mentor has trouble figuring him out. It doesn't help either that he himself keeps silent most of the time, so what could you get from an apprentice who scarcely spoke? It amuses him the example that Silversmoke brings. Honestly that depends. More often then not it's to mess with someone after they got on my nerves. He decides not to say anything, only offering a nod in acknowledgement of Silversmoke's words.

Silversmoke has not outright rejected him yet, but the news that he too doesn't have a father around is a surprise to him. It's not like he asked his mentor about personal details, given the fact that Silversmoke seemed to keep him at a distance and imagine your own apprentice who scarcely speaks asking you question after question about you. Guess he was mistaken in assuming that Silversmoke had a reliable father figure of some sort. As far as he knew SIlversmoke was single and had no kits of his own. It would be difficult to say with full confidence that Silversmoke would do well based on his own experiences. Although, he supposes he should tell his mentor why he thinks Silversmoke would be a fine father. "I think... You would be awkward. Afraid you'll ruin them. You'll love them, but you don't know how to show it well. But, if we're the same... With having horrible fathers. Then, I think you would do everything in your power not to be him. I think that's enough. You'll be everything he wasn't." He may not know of his own father whatsoever, but he made a vow if he ever had a family of his own he wouldn't abandon them. And when they became apprentices he wouldn't let them drift away from his claws. Not like her. He would be better than his parents mark his words. He will ensure his kits and mate will never feel alone. As much as he can anyway.

There is some truth in the lead warrior's words. Apprentices and mentors aren't know for seeing eye to eye on most things. It looks like Silversmoke is actually considering it. He's not yelling at me to go clean the elders den, so this is a good thing. Despite knowing his faults, his mentor is willing. It is a big ask from his apprentice, yet he is showing concern about how their relationship would progress from here. "This is gonna sound really weird to you, but don't laugh." He shifts his paws and remains silent for a few moments before he pipes up again. "I already think of you as my dad already. No one ever told me how this apprentice and mentor thing worked. I never asked. I didn't want to be an apprentice. I wanted to be a kit forever. But, mentors aren't much different from parents. Parents are supposed to guide their kits. TeachFigu them things so they can be good adults. And mentors? They teach kids how to become the best warriors ever. How is that any different?"

Maybe that's a bizarre way to look at apprentices and mentors. However, he's seen apprentices take on the traits of their mentors. That's not to say their parents don't have some kind of influence on their growth, but apprentices spent most of their time with other apprentices and their own mentors. Who they learned from were their peers and those who were tasked with teaching them how to become fine warriors. Cherrypaw is an interesting case. She had taken on more of her mother's traits and he would watch with pain as her mother would seek her out. Not like his own. To be honest if you asked him what he shared with Bobbie he couldn't tell you. "...For what it's worth. Even though you're nervous around me for some reason, which seriously? I'm not gonna bite you or something. Maybe throw a fit when you get on my nerves because you could be a little more nicer when asking me to do something, but! I am satisfied. And I don't think I ever would be unsatisfied. Unless you suddenly give up on me, then I would be. You're not the type though. You're stubborn." I know you wouldn't give up on me. Even if I drive you crazy you will make sure I become a warrior one way or another. His mentor is proud. A lead warrior as well. It would not bode well if Crowpaw was unable to became a warrior. Blazestar would say something and his mentor's pride would take a severe blow.

Figuring they both had enough of serious business. He can't help but chuff and then grace Silversmoke with a genuine smile. A smile that was rare even to his own family. "Parents and their kits don't see eye to eye all the time either." He's sure that Silversmoke has seen even Blazestar have his moments with his own children. If even a leader struggles with parenthood, then his own mentor should be reassured. He is not alone in this plight.