private FACE DOWN ON MY PILLOW (BUCKGAIT)

[LIGHTNINGSTONE]

// @BUCKGAIT.

He's had this dream a thousand times. He watches her paddle weakly across the stream bordering their island camp, stumble onto land with dark red ooze seeping out of wounds he can't see. He trying to run to her, but no matter how fast he pushes his paws he doesn't grow closer. So he tries to shout instead, but his jaws only stretch into a soundless yowl. He's helpless, and he can't get to her. All he can do is helplessly watch more blood leave her body until it drowns her, and he's alone.

Lightningstone starts with a short gasp, head snapping up from where it had been resting across his paws. Breathing heavily, he looks beside him, seeing the stirring form of Buckgait. It's hard to tell if she's awake or not. He pushes himself to his paws and carefully steps around her. He weaves his way out of the warrior's den, the cold nipping painfully at his face. His paws immediately take him to the river, gliding through the reeds until he can sit on the pebbly shore. A heavy, steadying exhale is released. Guilty. To this day, he feels guilty for not going to her on that night. He'd only been worrying about himself. Not her, who searched for him as she bled. And now, he's lonelier than ever. He has his siblings. And he and Buckgait continue to spend time together on hunts and patrols. But they had never talked about that day in the clearing. They're so close during the days, and yet still worlds apart. Stars, his head's a mess.​

 

[BUCKGAIT.]

MY NAME IS BRUTUS AND MY NAME MEANS HEAVY ✧​

there's a strangeness with having lightning back into her life. it's joyous, with teasing and familiar jabs at each other, but it still unsettles the molly. she doesn't know whether to tear him apart, tell him she's a woman born with edges too rough and never able to take the soft things in life. that she was just a bit too much, from a wild tongue and nights that end with weeping. it isn't a life to take care of her, she can't provide in a way that other mollies can. those raised with a soft touch and a curiosity to the world, who'd be so happy to have someone care for her. not some poor wretched thing that grows frightened and volatile when shown a gentle paw. yet this need to be near him consumes her, drives her wild and desperate to find some way to ensure he is by her. that she can keep his attention. they both keep silent about his outburst and her pleading, she's thankful for it. to think about it leaves her mortified, not used to such an outburst over something she would have been so thrilled for in the earlier days.

there's a stirring next to her, not too far away and she can already place the culprit of the harsh breath. she's put their nests as close as she could, secret and quiet-like. nothing too noticeable, but something to just help the rest come easier. she only opens a bleary eye to watch him leave, only to turn it to his empty bed. still warm from his departure, and she can only think of the night when he came after her. she used to think it was all out of duty, that faux-gentleness, telling her about starclan and all that. it brings a slight comfort these days. her dear fawn watching her mother work for her forgiveness, awaiting a teary reuniting. she thinks she should thank him for it, but can't find it in herself to form the words on her tongue. she hopes he can pick it up by her restful nights.

she lags after him, with a harsh snort at the cold claiming her. buck would like to tease that he had it easier, she only left the dens during the warmer seasons, but for once she knows when to bite her tongue. when there's a slight movement to the reeds, she knows where he lay. and she follows. settling beside him and curling in on herself, desperate to retain the heat of her own bedding. eyes ahead, in case he looks at her. it was still hard to see the reflection of her in his sight. "bit cold t'be out here alone." it's all she says, doesn't know what else he wants to hear from her. doesn't know what she'd be capable to say.
​

 

[LIGHTNINGSTONE]

The reeds swish behind him, curled ears flicking back to pick up the delicate pawsteps that draw near. His head turns to see her settling beside him, as if summoned by his tortured mind. He yearns to lean towards her, feel his fur brush against her but he refrains. Physical touch is not something he's ever been used to; this feeling is new to him altogether. Yearning. Love. All without knowing if she feels the same. All without knowing why she confronted him in that clearing.

"I couldn't sleep," He mews, voice deepened by exhaustion. His mind wouldn't let him sleep. Every time his eyes close he just sees her, drowning in her own blood. He remains plagued, and he can't do anything about it. "You should be in your nest." Buckgait has no business being out so late in the night, not when her duties have become so demanding. Hazel eyes do not leave her, as if daring for her to return his gaze. How ironic, how before she had to order him to look at her, pin him to the ground to make him so do. Now, he begs for the chance to meet her eyes; when was the last time she looked at him for longer than a few heartbeats?​

 

[BUCKGAIT.]

MY NAME IS BRUTUS AND MY NAME MEANS HEAVY ✧​

he's watching her. she can feel his gaze, heavy and pleading, but she still looks onward. there is nothing out there to grab her attention, nothing besides her own fear keeping her from staring back. buck thinks she ought to apologize for something. for how she had treated him in the clearing, and now she won't look or gaze upon him. not when he's looking anyways. she is so thankful for the calm nights, where she can stare with reckless abandon. simply thinking, watching him rest. the deputy only prays that he never catches her. then, she is sure, she would flee from riverclan, dig a deep hole, and bury herself within.

"you shouldn't be giving me an order." the woman quips, a reminder of this hierarchy they find themselves in. it's still weird, sometimes buck still feels like he is her ward, that he'll continue following her around. the times are gone, the feelings aren't. buck was never truly higher than lightning, nor does she ever try to be. "maybe you should be in your nest." she's watching him from the corner of her eye, gauging his reaction.

he's still looking at her. and she simply can't take ignoring him any further. the deputy's head turns, eyes roving over the tom before settling on staring straight back. her forelimbs tense, and her mind begs for her to break the connection. unwilling to be vulnerable; to be destructible. but she's trying to be less of a coward these days. there's no more reason for her to keep running. there's nothing out there for her, a truth that's been hard to swallow the past couple of days.

the deputy pushes herself a little closer to him, still mindful not to touch him. it's simply for warmth, if he were to question it. not being of a longing to be closer; or to feel him, or anything like that. "do you want to talk about it?" she means for his lack of sleep, but leaves the question to his interpretation. there's something hanging heavy in the air, but there's so much left unsaid that she isn't sure of what it is. nor does she want to be the first to break the silence.​

 

[LIGHTNINGSTONE]

He only scoffs when she tells him he shouldn't be ordering her around, the sound likely known by her to be a lighthearted one. While he will give her the respect demanded by her station, he will not let it interfere with his care for her. If he believes she should be sleeping, then he'll say so. Lightningstone is all too aware of her adjustment. His left ear twitches, angling ever-so-slightly towards her as she shifts closer. He looks back at her and says nothing.

Do you want to talk about it?

The warrior stares at her for a moment longer, jaw clenching, brow furrowed. There is a war in his head, for he never knows what he should allow himself to say to her. Stars, he still doesn't know if it was the right move to spill how he feels about her. But she's the closest thing to a confidante he's got. Does it still count when she's the issue? He isn't sure.

"I've been having....dreams. Nightmares, I guess," He finally admits, gaze flicking back to the flowing river. Several heartbeats pass as he searches for the next words to say. He draws in a deep breath, exhales with a sigh. "I've been having them since the day you were hurt. When I didn't-" He swallows, teeth grinding as he forces a vulnerability that has never come naturally, "-I left you there." ​

 

[BUCKGAIT.]

MY NAME IS BRUTUS AND MY NAME MEANS HEAVY ✧​

there's something close to a cruel laugh stuck in her throat, lodged between being right and the need to let him talk. it's something they have to get over, she supposes. both being abandoned, and the other too afraid to do anything. the day wasn't a fond one, not in her memories. she supposes it's what she gets for playing hero. a shiny new badge of faux honor, and the scarring to remind her. the molly will always remember how she had walked into camp, far too defiant to let the patrol's hard efforts go to waste. she got some of that stolen kill, glared upon the two toms that annoyed her most and wondered, why? why did she save him? she would have been justified to let him die and rot there. he stole everything from her. holding her name above her head, ransom.

the cinammon-furred molly's ears flatten to her head, nose crinkling at the thought of it all. blood, a mixture of both her's and that damned stealer. at the time she hadn't cared about how her locks matted and the days spent cleaning. it's all she could do in that den with beesong watching her. the worst, of course, was watching lightning. him watching her, and not stepping forward.

she thickly swallows, unsure of how to start. she isn't dead, so there's nothing to be haunted about. "i-" a kong pause follows suit, careful to try and navigate this with some sort of grace. she could yell at him, berate him, make him feel horrid. but there's no longer that burning anger in her chest, it's dulled and tame. quiet. "you're here now." a gentle offer, something different than his silent treatment for her days of healing. "that...means more to me. i think you're the most pig-headed cat in this forsaken clan. i also think you're the most sensible." buck's words quiet down, hesitant to continue. her maw open, with unsure breaths. but she thinks it might be good. to talk about all this. no longer bothering willow with her woes and feelings. "and i need that more than ever, now." she wants to thank him, for simply being there. a grounding force. she's explosive, but he never falters. he shares such similar beliefs and has always been her chosen companion.

she thinks he might've been a better deputy than her. he's a better clan cat than her by far. but they're both damned idiots. and that's comforting.
​

 

[LIGHTNINGSTONE]

You're here now.

His head swiftly turns back to her, surprised. So she doesn't hold it against him. It's like a wave crashes over him, sizzling the embers that burned with guilt. He's so relieved. A sharp exhale parts his jaws in a cloud of mist. There's a part of him that wants to tell her she should be angry with him, that she shouldn't forgive him. He's no saint. He's not warrior of honor and dignity. He's not a good cat, and she deserves a better companion to trail after on hunts. But, selfishly, he says nothing, accepting that she wants him around. Because it feels good to hear her say it.

Silver jaws part again, hesitant. "I won't be going anywhere again." It's a promise. Never again will he walk away from her, especially not when she needs him most. And she even said so, that she needs him now. Lightningstone won't take the responsibility lightly. In that moment, a gray paw moves, lifted into the air and brought closer to her. It touches her leg, just above her own paw. Soft, delicate, the touch is hesitant in its doing. But it's a show of companionship; he is hers, when she needs him.​

 

[BUCKGAIT.]

MY NAME IS BRUTUS AND MY NAME MEANS HEAVY ✧​

she is still, and silent. if she should have said more, if it was enough or too much. his eyes widen, and she watches as a warm breath leaves him, the small cloud escaping into the frost-bitten air. it is rather his words that draw buck to her own nerves. he assures her of his permanent stature. she wants more than anything to believe him. she wants him more than anything. but the words she wishes to speak to him keep getting swallowed down, and she thinks of cutting their interaction short. she's been vulnerable enough, shown him his closeness to her. how much she cherishes him. but the soft underbelly remains shielded from him. she could test him, how much he had meant that he'd stay by her side. ask him if he'd stay there forever. if he would be willing to truly live with her.

her eyes are escaping him, looking for an exit before there is a stroke on her paw, and soon a light weight follows. he is touching her. and she truly doesn't know how much longer she can keep silent on this. to stay stuck in this silent limbo. if she had read him right, if he had cared for her far more than any friend should. a sharp intake of breath, debating on running. "did you mean it?" it's a slow and quiet thing, something uncharacteristic of the deputy. something small and vulnerable. "what you said...in the clearing?" she means to ask, do you want to see me more than a deputy and friend? or do you want in my life? do you want to share one together? but the words are too difficult to say. her eyes are on where they connect, and she resists the urge to throw herself closer to him and cherish his warmth. she simply wants him, in every sense of the word. she wants him as a friend, a partner, a confidant. she wants to join their nests and rest next to him. she wants him to spend his life with her. his devotion. his love. and she wants to return it.
​

 

[LIGHTNINGSTONE]

// I'm SO sorry for the delay on this!!

He blinks, unsure of what she's referring to at first. His mind is doing laps trying to figure it out, but she soon clarifies. In the clearing. The day he remembers all too well. He draws in a quick breath; he supposes he should have expected the topic to come up at some point. It had just begun to feel normal that they never discussed it.

"Every word," Lightningstone declares evenly, and he cranes his head lower to try and catch her gaze, which rests stubbornly on their touching paws. His gaze burns; he urges her to say something more. Something that gives him an answer, finally. Will his affections be returned? Does she or doesn't she feel the same way about him as he does for her? Does she care enough about him to say those words? But then he'd be a hypocrite. He'd cared about her the day he walked away from her, it was a lie for anyone to say he didn't. So the question would be...is she willing to admit it?

In silence, he waits. His paw comes to rest back on the ground, a mere mouse-length from hers. Say it. ​

 

[BUCKGAIT.]

MY NAME IS BRUTUS AND MY NAME MEANS HEAVY ✧​

every word. that is what he says, that is all he says. but his gaze further burrows into her. she could not ignore the heaviness associated with it, not if she were to even try to. she can not tear herself away from him, even if her paws twitch and beg for cowardice. the fur that travels along her spine seems tighter, and her heart is beating. out of rhythm and wild in its pursuit for something to relieve this sudden anxiety upon her. this must be what prey feels like, trapped in the eyes of a predator. yet when that fox had cornered her, it was nothing similar to this. she had no fear of the beast, she had nothing to lose.

now, it's everything. if it doesn't work...buck loses her closest companion. she loses the stable balance he brings to her. her silence must be deafening to him, she's sure. she can feel her heart pounding in her throat, and her mouth is dry. breath unsure. "i," a pause, unsure of what to really say to him. how can she tell him something so simple yet so binding? she is sure he is not to reject her, not now. but there's that fear, the vulnerability of it all. in the end, will he gut her? "want you. want you more than this. i.. " love you. but she can't say it. her voice stops itself, the body desperate to stop her from making a fool of herself. she could tell lightning everything. from how she had thought of him as nothing more than some tom in her way. how he had turned into her largest supporter, and the one she can feel most calm next to. how she misses him by her at all times. the subtle protection. the singular time in her life that a tom had brought peace to her mind.

his paw leaves her's, and in desperation, her own finds his in quick succession. a silent plead. not to leave, not to abandon her. not to leave her without his presence and touch. she hopes it's enough. she hopes she's enough.
​

 

[LIGHTNINGSTONE]

The silence is suffocating, his gaze threatening to pull away but he holds it steady. He has to know her answer. He has to know how he feels or he fears he just may crumble after so much waiting. A syllable leaves her jaws and curled ears press forward, his entire frame unconsciously leaning towards her. Say something, Lightningstone silently urges, brows knit together while he stares.

His chin tilts up when she finally speaks, his shoulders falling slack as if he's released a weight he'd been hauling around. Heart pounding, mind racing, her verbal affirmation and the touch of her paw is all the invitation he needs. He's sick of waiting. The silvery warrior shifts, closing the short distance between them and cranes his neck over her own, an attempt to cradle her head in his billowy chest. The touch sends sparks throughout his skin but he refuses to let go, not that he's finally got her in his embrace. "You have me," He utters gruffly, burying his muzzle into her scruff. "For as long as you'll have me, I'm yours, Buck." I'm not walking away again. I swear it. For as long as river carves through the land and the star burn in the sky, he will love her, all of her.​

 

[BUCKGAIT.]

MY NAME IS BRUTUS AND MY NAME MEANS HEAVY ✧​

it is within a second, she is entrapped within him. her breath halts in her chest, the body tense at the sudden contact. it's everything she had been longing for. when she had let their furs mingle lightly together during walks, how she always tried to be so close to him while sleeping, only fleeting touches and grasps. to have it within her grasp, to have him swallow her existence whole. there's a sudden burning in her eyes, and she feels almost like a kit again. how long? how long had she craved this contact?

it is nothing like she had previously. short and rough grasps to placate her complaints, to play some sort of loving couple. there was no gentleness, no love in his embrace. but lightning had been so different. his breath tickles her fur and she feels a rush flow down her spine, a sudden weakness in her that allows her to fall into him more. she doesn't want to cry, but she's damn close to it. the molly can feel his heart beating in a steady rhythm, one she had memorized throughout the moons. his breath falls even and calm, she can feel the vibrations within his chest as he speaks. if life was gentle and kind, it would connect them at the seams here.

the deputy burrows her head within his dense furs, deep breaths in some foolish attempt to calm herself down. she doesn't leave, doesn't try to escape. simply melts into him. it only felt like the right thing. she should say something, mouth opening and closing like the fish that rest in the river, and just like them, nothing falls from her maw. silence. perhaps there wasn't anything that need to be said. perhaps, this was enough for the both of them.
​