- Jun 10, 2023
- 125
- 36
- 28
STILL DON'T KNOW MY NAME
CONTENT WARNING. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK: mentions of extreme grief/loss, brief pregnancy thoughts ( in the dream ), suicidal ideation
he doesn't want to leave his nest. moons ago, they'd pushed their nests pretty close together, and now... falcongaze would never return to it. he refuses to let anyone touch it, saying he will do it himself, but he's not ready for that. not even close. he takes a piece of the moss from it and tucks it into his own, inhaling falcongaze's quickly staling scent, his claws digging into his nest. he tried to eat a bit earlier, in an attempt to try and get his mind off thr fact that falcongaze was gone, but it didn't work. he threw it up, unable to stop the anxiety thrumming throughout him. was falcongaze scared? did it hurt? was he safe now, in the stars? would he seem him again, someday? he doesn't have any answers. he probably never will– left only as a widow with a broken heart. how selfish is it of him to claim the title of widow? is it selfish at all if it's the truth?
he shakes his head, only curling around the moss, staring at it for a moment before taking a deep breath in and out. he's gotta get some sleep. anythings better than being awake and stuck with the reality that his love is never going to cuddle beside him again. not in this life time. but perhaps in the next. he closes his eyes and eventually his body simply gives, and he falls asleep.
--
"s...so tired... i can't, anymore."
he is so so tired, but the gentle nudge of the softest muzzle he's ever felt against his own makes him move his gaze back, a weak purr leaving him as he presses back against his mate.
"you can do it, drowsynose. you're doing so well... just a little longer, alright?"
his voice is so soft and comforting that drowsynose can't help but nod his head, trying his hardest to sit back up. okay. he can do this. one last push. fireflyglow presses moss to his forehead, and urges him on, and he does as hes told. one last push, and the pain is so intense, he very well might pass out, but when he is finished, he collapses his head to the ground, letting out a huff of exhaustion. his tail curls around the squeaking set of kits, and he begins to clean them all up, nudging them against his stomach so that they may keep warm and feed properly.
"oh, they look perfect... you did absolutely amazing..."
falcongaze licks drowsynose on the forehead as fireflyglow checks over each kitten before offering a smile and a brush of his muzzle against drowsynose, saying a quick congratulations before leaving the queen to his kits, and with his mate. drowsynose only turns to falcongaze who seems so happy, and drowsynose can't be any more content than he is right in this moment. in spite of the exhaustion in his bones, he's gotta name his kits.
"... five kits. five names. i think... well, you should name them."
he would name some, too, but he's so tired. and besides, he always valued falcongaze's input. they'd talked about names prior to this day, but it's different now. and wow... more than half of them look so much like falcongaze. one looks like him, and his siblings, and one looks like his mother.
"well... let's name this molly... hawkkit. she seems like a hawkkit."
drowsynose hums, gently licking the kit and purring quietly. hawkkit. fitting. his gaze moves to the one that looks the most like him.
"and... this one? what shall we name him? i was thinking... coalkit."
falcongaze nods his head.
"perfect, love. this one looks a lot like your mother. she's... deerkit. and this one, i think he should be..."
he pauses as he thinks.
"...vermilionkit."
he decides finally, and drowsynose tilts his head, before nodding his head and offering a kiss to his cheek. naming a kit after his father seemed like a logical choice. if drowsynose even liked his father, maybe he'd had done the same. but he didn't. besides, falcongaze honored the one parent that drowsynose cared about by naming a kit deerkit.
"and this last little one... she should be... eaglekit. you did talk about liking bird names... i think it's fitting."
he licks each of his kits before he settles his head down. he feels exhausted.
"i think it's perfect... and so are you, drowsynose. i love you."
"o-oh i... i love you, too, falzongaze. always. forever."
--
dreams cannot last forever. he jolts awake, frantically looking around for falcongaze, desperate to tell him about the dream he's had but he's left with the coldness that was left behind in his nest. thickly he swallows as tears well up in his eyes, a paw pressing against his stomach. he feels very empty, like something is missing. and it is. he can't even tell anyone how much he feels broken inside. his love is gone. he'll never love anyone the same, yearn for another in the same way– he will never be the same. his free paw moves to cover the whimper that leaves his mouth, forcing him to swallow it back before he simply stands up, looking around and heading right out of the warrior den, and ducking out of camp.
he simply cannot stay here. he's never felt so lost and he doesn't want to think. his tail curls around his stomach as it aches with want, with need. was this how his mother felt when she lost blazestar? only difference was... she had his kits to remind her of the leader. what does drowsynose have? memories. memories that sting so bad that he cannot help the way that, as soon as he's out of camp and out of sight from anyone, he collapses to the ground in a gut wrenching sob. he misses his mate. he always would. he wishes he was with him. in the stars. safe. with him. always with him. oart of him wishes he would have died instead... or perhaps that he would have died, too.
it's just not fair.
he doesn't want to leave his nest. moons ago, they'd pushed their nests pretty close together, and now... falcongaze would never return to it. he refuses to let anyone touch it, saying he will do it himself, but he's not ready for that. not even close. he takes a piece of the moss from it and tucks it into his own, inhaling falcongaze's quickly staling scent, his claws digging into his nest. he tried to eat a bit earlier, in an attempt to try and get his mind off thr fact that falcongaze was gone, but it didn't work. he threw it up, unable to stop the anxiety thrumming throughout him. was falcongaze scared? did it hurt? was he safe now, in the stars? would he seem him again, someday? he doesn't have any answers. he probably never will– left only as a widow with a broken heart. how selfish is it of him to claim the title of widow? is it selfish at all if it's the truth?
he shakes his head, only curling around the moss, staring at it for a moment before taking a deep breath in and out. he's gotta get some sleep. anythings better than being awake and stuck with the reality that his love is never going to cuddle beside him again. not in this life time. but perhaps in the next. he closes his eyes and eventually his body simply gives, and he falls asleep.
--
"s...so tired... i can't, anymore."
he is so so tired, but the gentle nudge of the softest muzzle he's ever felt against his own makes him move his gaze back, a weak purr leaving him as he presses back against his mate.
"you can do it, drowsynose. you're doing so well... just a little longer, alright?"
his voice is so soft and comforting that drowsynose can't help but nod his head, trying his hardest to sit back up. okay. he can do this. one last push. fireflyglow presses moss to his forehead, and urges him on, and he does as hes told. one last push, and the pain is so intense, he very well might pass out, but when he is finished, he collapses his head to the ground, letting out a huff of exhaustion. his tail curls around the squeaking set of kits, and he begins to clean them all up, nudging them against his stomach so that they may keep warm and feed properly.
"oh, they look perfect... you did absolutely amazing..."
falcongaze licks drowsynose on the forehead as fireflyglow checks over each kitten before offering a smile and a brush of his muzzle against drowsynose, saying a quick congratulations before leaving the queen to his kits, and with his mate. drowsynose only turns to falcongaze who seems so happy, and drowsynose can't be any more content than he is right in this moment. in spite of the exhaustion in his bones, he's gotta name his kits.
"... five kits. five names. i think... well, you should name them."
he would name some, too, but he's so tired. and besides, he always valued falcongaze's input. they'd talked about names prior to this day, but it's different now. and wow... more than half of them look so much like falcongaze. one looks like him, and his siblings, and one looks like his mother.
"well... let's name this molly... hawkkit. she seems like a hawkkit."
drowsynose hums, gently licking the kit and purring quietly. hawkkit. fitting. his gaze moves to the one that looks the most like him.
"and... this one? what shall we name him? i was thinking... coalkit."
falcongaze nods his head.
"perfect, love. this one looks a lot like your mother. she's... deerkit. and this one, i think he should be..."
he pauses as he thinks.
"...vermilionkit."
he decides finally, and drowsynose tilts his head, before nodding his head and offering a kiss to his cheek. naming a kit after his father seemed like a logical choice. if drowsynose even liked his father, maybe he'd had done the same. but he didn't. besides, falcongaze honored the one parent that drowsynose cared about by naming a kit deerkit.
"and this last little one... she should be... eaglekit. you did talk about liking bird names... i think it's fitting."
he licks each of his kits before he settles his head down. he feels exhausted.
"i think it's perfect... and so are you, drowsynose. i love you."
"o-oh i... i love you, too, falzongaze. always. forever."
--
dreams cannot last forever. he jolts awake, frantically looking around for falcongaze, desperate to tell him about the dream he's had but he's left with the coldness that was left behind in his nest. thickly he swallows as tears well up in his eyes, a paw pressing against his stomach. he feels very empty, like something is missing. and it is. he can't even tell anyone how much he feels broken inside. his love is gone. he'll never love anyone the same, yearn for another in the same way– he will never be the same. his free paw moves to cover the whimper that leaves his mouth, forcing him to swallow it back before he simply stands up, looking around and heading right out of the warrior den, and ducking out of camp.
he simply cannot stay here. he's never felt so lost and he doesn't want to think. his tail curls around his stomach as it aches with want, with need. was this how his mother felt when she lost blazestar? only difference was... she had his kits to remind her of the leader. what does drowsynose have? memories. memories that sting so bad that he cannot help the way that, as soon as he's out of camp and out of sight from anyone, he collapses to the ground in a gut wrenching sob. he misses his mate. he always would. he wishes he was with him. in the stars. safe. with him. always with him. oart of him wishes he would have died instead... or perhaps that he would have died, too.
it's just not fair.
