- Aug 18, 2022
- 702
- 185
- 43
they had barely slept a wink since the announcement of their promotion. they couldn't shake that feeling of imminent failure, no matter how much they had tried. they needed space. they needed to get out of this damned camp. it was way too stuffy, way too many eyes. they looked briefly over at the sleeping forms of their fellow denmates before slithering their way out, and allowing their paws to wonder aimlessly. anywhere was better than being here. anywhere.
they slowed their pace, taking in a deep breath and breathing it out. they would have done anything for their mother's comfort right now. she walked amongst the stars, but... that didn't bring them any comfort. they wanted her here. how were they supposed to do anything without her guidance? it was hard enough trying to raise their younger brother but now they had an entire clan to look after, until they day they died. sure, as a warrior they always did what they had to do but this was different. if they starved, everyone would look to chilledgaze to find solutions. anything bad that happened would be their fault, or pitchstar's- but as the deputy they were supposed to be his voice of reason. they were supposed to be his right paw... but how could they even do that if they didn't have a grasp themselves? they were so worried about screwing up. how could they even be the deputy that shadowclan needed? they needed advice. any advice.
they continued on, the sound of rustling nearby making them bare their teeth and whip around, a low growl grumbling in their throat. their claws extended, and ears pinned back threateningly before a cat emerged. immediately, chilledgaze seemed to relax, brows furrowing together.
"dad?"
they were confused. who knew how long it had been since they'd even heard from him and yet here he was... standing right there.
"oh, hey kiddo! uh- how's everything going? how's the little guy? er... mice?"
chilledgaze blinked for a moment before a frown fixed on their face, sighing.
"minkpaw. his name is minkpaw... what are you even doing here?"
"i came to visit you! you know- a little raven told me that you've become deputy of that there clan! second in command, they said. i'm proud of you, dear!"
he insisted with a smile, and chilledgaze only furrowed their brows. was he serious, right now? there was just no way that he was serious. with a roll of their eyes, they only lashed their tail behind them, looking at the piece of prey that their father had caught. without a word, they took it and brought it close to them.
"you, proud of me? right. you barely even know my name. you don't even know your sons name. the only thing you're proud of is the fact that you managed to survive without us."
"huh? that's not true at all! you know i love you both! you're my darlin' daughter, and he's my son!"
chilledgaze's gaze darkened with a hiss. they had enough of this.
"you're a fucking liar! you don't know who I am! you don't know who he is! you weren't there! you've never been there! you don't get to just pop up and fucking pretend that you care when everyone fucking knows you don't!"
he only frowned. this wasn't what he wanted. he didn't want to get into an argument with them at all.
"despite how you feel about me, you're still my daughter."
he snapped, lowering his gaze to theirs as they huffed in return.
"i'm your child because you decided to have kits with my mother. nothing more."
chilledgaze scrunched up their nose, ears twitching back and forth with an unreadable emotion in their eyes. they knew they wanted advice but they'd die before they'd ever listen to anything this tom cat had to say. he was a sorry excuse of a father and he didn't deserve to even be graced with their presence, let alone be called their dad. even calling him a father was pushing it. tears pricked at their eyes, and they tried their hardest to push them back.
"get off of my territory before i rip your fucking throat out. i don't want anything to do with you, and i don't want you near my brother, ever. if he ever decides to meet you, again, then I will find you. but you can just leave like you always do. i'm tired of waiting for you to come back as if by some miracle you'll be my dad this time."
chilledgaze can't explain it. despite all of their words... they wanted nothing more than for him to understand. to get it. to fucking be there for them, and minkpaw, but that was like asking a fish to fly. a frog to not hop. it just wasn't going to happen, and they hated how desperate they felt about it.
taking in a final deep breath, they turned to return to camp, feeling rather numb. they only hoped minkpaw didn't see them. they wouldn't be able to explain why they were crying over someone who didn't give them the time of day.
they slowed their pace, taking in a deep breath and breathing it out. they would have done anything for their mother's comfort right now. she walked amongst the stars, but... that didn't bring them any comfort. they wanted her here. how were they supposed to do anything without her guidance? it was hard enough trying to raise their younger brother but now they had an entire clan to look after, until they day they died. sure, as a warrior they always did what they had to do but this was different. if they starved, everyone would look to chilledgaze to find solutions. anything bad that happened would be their fault, or pitchstar's- but as the deputy they were supposed to be his voice of reason. they were supposed to be his right paw... but how could they even do that if they didn't have a grasp themselves? they were so worried about screwing up. how could they even be the deputy that shadowclan needed? they needed advice. any advice.
they continued on, the sound of rustling nearby making them bare their teeth and whip around, a low growl grumbling in their throat. their claws extended, and ears pinned back threateningly before a cat emerged. immediately, chilledgaze seemed to relax, brows furrowing together.
"dad?"
they were confused. who knew how long it had been since they'd even heard from him and yet here he was... standing right there.
"oh, hey kiddo! uh- how's everything going? how's the little guy? er... mice?"
chilledgaze blinked for a moment before a frown fixed on their face, sighing.
"minkpaw. his name is minkpaw... what are you even doing here?"
"i came to visit you! you know- a little raven told me that you've become deputy of that there clan! second in command, they said. i'm proud of you, dear!"
he insisted with a smile, and chilledgaze only furrowed their brows. was he serious, right now? there was just no way that he was serious. with a roll of their eyes, they only lashed their tail behind them, looking at the piece of prey that their father had caught. without a word, they took it and brought it close to them.
"you, proud of me? right. you barely even know my name. you don't even know your sons name. the only thing you're proud of is the fact that you managed to survive without us."
"huh? that's not true at all! you know i love you both! you're my darlin' daughter, and he's my son!"
chilledgaze's gaze darkened with a hiss. they had enough of this.
"you're a fucking liar! you don't know who I am! you don't know who he is! you weren't there! you've never been there! you don't get to just pop up and fucking pretend that you care when everyone fucking knows you don't!"
he only frowned. this wasn't what he wanted. he didn't want to get into an argument with them at all.
"despite how you feel about me, you're still my daughter."
he snapped, lowering his gaze to theirs as they huffed in return.
"i'm your child because you decided to have kits with my mother. nothing more."
chilledgaze scrunched up their nose, ears twitching back and forth with an unreadable emotion in their eyes. they knew they wanted advice but they'd die before they'd ever listen to anything this tom cat had to say. he was a sorry excuse of a father and he didn't deserve to even be graced with their presence, let alone be called their dad. even calling him a father was pushing it. tears pricked at their eyes, and they tried their hardest to push them back.
"get off of my territory before i rip your fucking throat out. i don't want anything to do with you, and i don't want you near my brother, ever. if he ever decides to meet you, again, then I will find you. but you can just leave like you always do. i'm tired of waiting for you to come back as if by some miracle you'll be my dad this time."
chilledgaze can't explain it. despite all of their words... they wanted nothing more than for him to understand. to get it. to fucking be there for them, and minkpaw, but that was like asking a fish to fly. a frog to not hop. it just wasn't going to happen, and they hated how desperate they felt about it.
taking in a final deep breath, they turned to return to camp, feeling rather numb. they only hoped minkpaw didn't see them. they wouldn't be able to explain why they were crying over someone who didn't give them the time of day.
[ NOBODY ELSE MATTERS, GIRL ]
