fragile ties | leopardcloud

[Snowpath]

Snowpaw does not like the Elder's den for many reasons and he now has a new one to add to the fold. The scent in here is stale as the cats, the reminder of mortality is a terrifying thing to behold and he wishes he had been asked to do anything else but come in here and clean, bring prey...
It is Leopardcloud's presence that has him more uneasy about coming and going from the place, he finds that despite his bravado and refusal to admit his wrongs in a genuine way that he still can not look in the spotted she-cats direction without feeling shame burning through him like an illness spread; she's made him sick with her stare, unwell with her words. The dappled tom remembers the way her voice broke and wishes she would die faster so he never had to hear it again, but the moment the thought crosses his mind he's infested with the sensation of guilt once more, heavy and weighted in the pit of his stomach; it feels like drowning. He should not be feeling this way, he should feel morally righteous in his path, he had called out a danger to the clan and been proven correct in his assumption; she should have no power of him but he still balks at the idea of going to the den each time. It has been only a few days when he realizes he can not avoid her any longer; the other elder's are out sunbathing while she remains next to the nests he's been tasked with cleaning out to replace with newer ones. Fresher nests. Like cleaning a smooth rock that's cracked inside. Why was he bothering, why did he have to care..
Snowpaw walked in, head instinctively lowered and tried not to meet the pale olive gaze of the molly as he moved to start scratching at the nest furthest from her, kicking it back and out like he was digging a hole in the earth and if the floor had not been so hard he might have been tempted to do so at this point because he can feel the eyes even if he is refusing to look in their direction.
Finally, the silence was too overwhelming, he wanted to be anywhere else but knew he'd just be scolded and told to go back and finish his punishment, his assigned duty. The blue tom's head lifts and snaps sharply in her direction, ears flat and golden eyes burning, "If WindClan is so awful why did you stay so long...why'd you even join?" He wasn't sure why he asked, wasn't sure why he felt he had to find some justification to continue feeling right. His body burned, his mind churned and every feeling warned him he was incorrect but he couldn't be surely...

@leopardcloud
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[leopardcloud]

It was almost a suitable punishment, making the two apprentices work around her constantly- a reminder of mortality, that a weak she-cat like her was to watch them. There was no pleasure in watching them struggle to maintain themselves around her, she knew the obvious- they were ashamed of themselves, but it seem Snowpaw stormed his own mind much more than her son did. Leopardcloud's head rolls against the ground, a whimper of pain leaving her as a wave of cold sweeps over her face. She feels her bones ache, and the agonizing pain of her bones never leave her. After that short walk to the fight, she had exhausted most of her bodily strength, leaving her weak and wheezing in the elder's den.

But she watched the dappled tom with neutral eyes, easing each breath out as to not scare him with its roughness. He begins to gather old nesting, cleaning up the den where the elders, terminally ill, retired, and disabled cats reside. It's a tense silence, but she's used to it- used to the avoidant stares of other. She was the image of Death to come, she knew- it terrified young kits who didn't understand her situation. It terrified the elders, the warriors- even Blazestar looked upon her with a sense of pity for her fate.

He asks why she left WindClan, why she stayed so long- why she'd joined SkyClan. Leopardcloud shakily settles her aching head onto her paws, humming softly. She was still angry at the little tom, but he was a naive child still- she had to remind herself of that, which is why she didn't lash out. Why would she fight a kid who knew nothing of their situation? "You know as well as I do of the rumors that spill of WindClan. Most of them are true." She wheezes out softly, sniffing away snot that threatened to bubble from her nose; dried blood caked to her nostril uncomfortably. "My mom died young from the same illness I have, you see. My family.. Coyotepaw's dad, my dad, he was cruel. He hurt them when they were barely newborns, hurt me in ways that you couldn't even imagine. Would you have kept your family in such a place, if you knew you had few days remaining left? If you knew you would be leaving them to be killed by their own family?" She asks softly, tears threatening to force themselves past grassy hues. "But.. But WindClan isn't a clan that you can just leave when you want to, Snowpaw. There are consequences for leaving. If I had told Sootstar, our father would have been informed- it was a quick path to death. Coyotepaw and Squirrelkit deserved to live a life. One that was safe." ​

 

[Snowpath]

Snowpaw has briefly forgotten his task, now standing upright properly and facing the crumpled spotted form of the she-cat as she rumbles out her story and his eyes narrows slowly as it continues because it does not line up with the one inside his head. WindClan were all savages, that much he knew, that much was confirmed but that the savagery settled within their borders as well was not something he was aware of. To him, he had viewed the moorland cats as dangers to everything not within their tall grass walls; but that they were a threat to their own sharply skewed his perspective. The blue tom's tail lashes, frustrated because this has given him nothing but more of the gnawing regret and guilt inside that threatens to spill him open and he hates it. He hates her, because he can not even pretend she's lying. There's no energy in that golden form to muster up the strength to tell lies, the young tom can feel it down to his bones that what she is saying is the truth or rather, the parts he was so adamant on seemed truthful. Snowpaw turns sharply to pace in place, ears flat and expression tight as he struggles to comprehend. He tries putting himself in her paws, as she goads him with the question and he wants to insist he would know better than her, that he would fight so viciously for his family if put in the same place but the bravado melts. It would have been a death sentence to fight, he knows that. He's not stupid, just stubborn. Leopardcloud was a cat who looked as if she was mere seconds from dropping and never moving again, there was no way someone like her could have 'fought their way out' as he so foolishly believed a possibility.
The spotted apprentice tries to cling to the last indicator he was righteous, that Coyotepaw attacked him and so was just as corrupt as all of WindClan, but...
He let's it go, nose wrinkling angrily as it slips from his claws and he feels himself lose his nerve. He wonders briefly what his own father had been like, that he never met the tom was something his mother found relief in but outside a name he knew nothing. If he'd been sired by violence, would he also raise his claws when threatened? It was hard to say. This was a little too heavy for a cat whose life consisted of simple, childish struggles and a generally comfortable and loving enviroment. His struggling mind aside, SkyClan was not cruel. As much as he was frustrated with the simplicity, it was also a blessing.
His lashing tail dropped, sweeping the ground behind him in anxious twitches and he felt his anger slowly easing off of him like a veil pulled back. Without his annoyance, he only felt the weight of a mistake made and the molly's watering green gaze only seemed to solidify that. A voice tells him to apologize, but he struggles with it and remains silent for an alarmingly long time once she had finally finished speaking. If she had told him to shut up and leave him alone he would have just considered it another reason to not trust, she didn't have to answer him; he wasn't owed this information.
"I..." He feels frozen, unsure, and for the first time in a while he's at a loss for what to say. "...I was mistaken?" It sounds like a question at first, so he tries again, shaking his head, "...I was mistaken, I'm...don't cry. I know it doesn't mean anything now, but I'm sorry."

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[leopardcloud]

A hesitance in the air, thick and anxious- Leopardcloud feels the instinctive need to shield Snowpaw then, to welcome him into her nest to rest and calm from the flurry of emotions he was going through. How did such a child become so mixed in emotion? Filled with such turmoil? She sniffles softly as he paces the elder's den, her own tail-tip flicking patiently as she watches him. She would let him simmer in his feelings, process them properly. He was a logical tom deep down, she knew- he was merely a child who hadn't experienced harsh reality yet, of what could happen in a clan where nobody was safe.

...I was mistaken? It comes out as questioning first, unsure- Leopardcloud blinks at the tom. His voice is soft as he ushers her not to cry, and she couldn't help but cry more at his own empathy. Was it a shield, then? To protect himself from seeing the world as it truly was? It was easy to call the WindClanners evil, but not all of them were- they listened to their Leader, because if they didn't, they would be cast out like bugs that didn't serve a purpose. Kits would be kept there, separated from their parents- never to see them again. Leopardcloud couldn't have been able to deal with that, deal with leaving her kits behind. These half-lies kept them safe, away from the truth that threatened to spill over at any moment. He apologizes finally, and she senses sincerity. She plucks a white flower from the crown upon her head, a gift from her beloved Coyotepaw- gently blowing it over to the little tom.

"I forgive you, but.. I'm not the person you should be apologizing to. Coyotepaw had no choice but to come here, he was only a kit himself when I brought him here. He doesn't even remember what WindClan was like." She meows softly, smiling softly to himself. "He was so small when he was a baby.. So fragile, it would have been so easy for our father to get rid of him. Coming to SkyClan was my only choice if we all wanted to survive. So I sacrificed my own safety to get them here." She finishes with a hum, ear twitching.

Guilt eats at him, and she lets the words soak in. Leopardcloud was never vengeful, never one to hold grudges- everyone had their reasoning, but the moment her child was threatened- that mother's mercy disappeared in an instant. There was no mercy for the cruel, and they would all perish before she let their little ears be graced with disgusting mistruths. "You are gifted with being born here, where the cats are kind. I don't expect you to understand everything, Snowpaw. You're a smart kid, y'know? You can find these things out for yourself. But try your best to be kind. You will make friends that will stand by your side no matter what one day, in that way. Coyotepaw is loyal to no end, but only if that loyalty is shown to him as well. He just wants to feel at home here. We all do."​

 

[Snowpath]

The emotions in here were suddenly very suffocating. He wanted yell at her to stop sympathizing, he wished she had responded to him in anger because anger was something he knew how to face; he knew how he would act in reply to rage, he did not know how to reply this quiet understanding that was almost too gentle. He was not fragile and being handled so carefully felt insulting, but at the same time he could see the cracks now even if he refused to acknowledge them. The light and downy touch of the flower flitting across the floor to his paws made him blink, liquid gold gaze hardening once more and he plucked the flora up to grip by the small stem between his teeth because he impulsively felt he had to.

Be kind. Did he have to be kind to those who didn't deserve it? Was the world owed pity? Things were a lot easier for him when he was content in his monochromatic view of things, but the gray was overtaking it and as expanseless as the sky. Snowpaw couldn't say he liked himself feeling so inept. He knew he was fortunate. He didn't hate his clan, he had a good mother, siblings who he cared for. It felt too contrived to feel grateful for things that simply were, because he did not know anything else. It almost felt like she was asking him-no, pleading for him to treat the other apprentice well, to befriend him. Briefly his thoughts snatched back to rolling across the camp and he felt the quiet fury in his chest at being caught offguard rise once more. Snowpaw didn't have friends, he had his sisters and his brother. He didn't care about the other cats his age. It had never occurred to him how pitifully alone that made him because he rather liked his solitude. Apologize to Coyotepaw. Even knowing he should, he still found himself bristling at the idea. Not wanting to make empty promises he turned and swiftly moved to leave the den, he would take the scolding for not finishing his cleaning and come back later or maybe even pawn it off on Figpaw who could be plied with promises of games and treats.
"I'll think about it." The apprentice said, not making it clear what he'd be thinking on. The apology? Or everything else. It was hard to say, but he knew he'd be dwelling on this for days and the thought that his mind would be so swiflty overtaken by such things was almost infuriating.
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