private From the start (Peonypaw)

[Badgermoon]

Badgermoon wasn't sure if he hadn't been worried enough before or if circumstances simply demanded more worry from him now. Either way, it was clear to him at least that the Clan's apprentices required some extra attention and instruction, both in the attitudinal and skill department. Of course, he couldn't - and wouldn't dream of - mentoring every apprentice himself; aside from being impossible, it was a disservice to the warriors of WindClan, who made excellent mentors. But it was his job to oversee the training of apprentices more generally, and for this reason he had inquired of Peonypaw's mentor if he could observe a training session of theirs. Happily, his request had been accepted, and the black-and-white tomcat had sat himself a fair distance away, silent and still, his yellow eyes sharp and attentive. As the session finished and Peonypaw's mentor departed to attend to some other piece of work, the deputy drifted towards the apprentice, a look of curiosity clear on his face. "Hi, Peonypaw." he greeted with a twitch of his whiskers. "Thank you for letting me observe your training. Do you have a moment or two?" it was, truth be told, more of an instruction than a true request - but he did want to show respect for his Clanmate. Just because he was older didn't mean Peonypaw's time was worthless or his wants unimportant: if the boy had pressing matters to attend to elsewhere, so be it.

@PEONYPAW​

 

[PEONYBREEZE]

✿ — A deputy's close presence in whatever you're doing for the day, specifically requested, can either mean you're in trouble or you've done something great - Peonypaw doubts he's done either of those things the last couple of days, but the uncertainty nevertheless leaves him a bit on edge.

Not that he would ever admit that to himself, let alone anybody else.

"Of course," Peonypaw dips his head in a respectful greeting once his mentor had wrapped the session up. Did he do well? He had attempted to treat this like any other time of training, act as if Badgermoon's watchful eyes were not glued to his side... who knows if he succeeded. His limbs like to betray him every now and then; lithe and graceful in most cases, usually a blessing and seldom a curse, but Peonypaw had learned he can lose control of them in high-pressure situations. He would have to get that under control to avoid embarrassing himself.

He settles beside Badgermoon who essentially towers over Peonypaw. It's his time to stare akin to a hawk, attention undivided. "Is... something the matter?"​

❝ I DON'T WANT TO RUN — JUST OVERWHELM ME ❞​

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[Badgermoon]

It was not his intention to generate anxiety in any of the apprentices, though - he had to admit - a bit of apprehension in some of their attitudes might do them good. Nevertheless, he was quick to offer an approving smile, hoping to soothe the young tom's worries before they could spiral out of control. "No, nothing's the matter." he confirmed with a small shake of his head. "You did well. You move very nimbly." he had been quite impressed by the point's agility. "Though you'll want to work on knowing where your paws are and making sure you're steady where you stand." being a rather large and broad cat himself, this came more naturally to Badgermoon - especially since he was fully-grown. "But I know it's tricky, when you're getting bigger by the day!"

Unbidden, the thought that in a few short moons his own kits would become apprentices entered his mind. The bicolor tom felt a chill down his spine at the prospect and shoved it away hastily, a twitch of his snow-capped ear being the only giveaway. "How do think feel your training is going, Peonypaw? Are you happy? Do you feel that you're learning?" the deputy paused before adding, with a gentleness that seemed sincere, albeit somewhat clumsy, "This - this isn't a test, by the way. You won't get in trouble for what you say - you can be honest with me."​

 

[PEONYBREEZE]

✿ — The now-visible rise and fall of Peonypaw's chest is the only giveaway about how Badgermoon's words reassure him; at least in the sense that no, he didn't do anything questionable, and is just simply wrapped up in the deputy's curiosity for one reason or another. An honor.

"I'm glad to hear," he voices his thoughts all the same, ghost of a smile tugging at his mouth, "I have a lot to learn about keeping myself more... balanced. I'll try to pay more attention to it."

Peonypaw's surprise is apparent in the longer stare he gives Badgermoon, eyes slightly wider than usual. His training? It is just that - training, a long path of stepping stones that he will simply have to overcome if he wants to grow into a great warrior. Nothing more, nothing less.

But...

"I suppose I wish I could be in the tunnels more." His words are carefully picked, not due to doubting Badgermoon's words about this not being a test, but rather to get his point across clearly. No mentor around anymore to listen in, but Peonypaw doesn't think this should be kept a secret; he'd say this regardless of the warrior's presence. "I know some apprentices get brought down there sooner than others because it can be daunting at first. I'm just eager to start specializing in it."

He's heard of 'paws who got so startled that they thought the walls were closing in on them, threatening to suffocate them. Peonypaw wonders how his first time would go - surely logic would be victorious instead of senseless fear.

With a pause, Peonypaw adds, "I think what I'm most lacking in is combat. It's hard to imagine having to go into real battle against the other Clans. You've been in many, right? How do you avoid getting overwhelmed and stunned?"​

❝ I DON'T WANT TO RUN — JUST OVERWHELM ME ❞​

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[Badgermoon]

Balance...Hmm! I'd like to know how to feel emotionally balanced, that's for sure. He was as steady on his paws as the next cat, but when it came to feelings...any step in an emotive direction sent his mind and heart whirling, and when that happened he made mistakes. Case in point: he and the two tunnelers whose lives he had surely changed through his own incompetence. Focus, bees-for-brains. he chided himself, twitching his whiskers as he tried to return all of his attention to Peonypaw. "I think I can understand how you'd feel that way." the bicolor tom responded after a thoughtful pause. "I personally think the tunnels sound...well, quite frankly I think they sound very frightening and unpleasant." he tipped his head back to admire the cloudless expanse of blue sky before dropping his gaze back to the younger WindClanner.

Peonypaw's question was unexpected, though not unwelcome, and he frowned as he thought it over. Truth be told, his mind glazed over when he fought: he could think of nothing but his opponent and his desire to destroy them utterly. That feels too...dramatic to say to an apprentice. he reflected, a bit ruefully. "I let the whole world shrink down to nothing but myself and my enemy." he said after a few moments. Instinctively, one paw strayed to his chest, tracing the scars Orangeblossom had left there. "I don't think about anything but battle itself: lunging, striking, dodging. Winning. Securing WindClan's security and triumph. Each step, every swipe, every whisker-twitch...I try to keep my mind on my own and my opponent's, and nothing else."​

 

[PEONYBREEZE]

✿ — The idea that the deputy himself found one of WindClan's assets to be frightening is almost food for thought, until Peonypaw reminds himself of those broad-shoulders that no doubt would trap Badgermoon inside tight walls. Better be safe than sorry - as in, better avoid it altogether than wait for a patrol of cats to pull you out and leave your dignity in those dark tunnels with it too.

Just those few words are enough to inspire Peonypaw in a way he hadn't anticipated. Everybody has their strengths and weaknesses, even Badgermoon, and in turn... even Sootstar? It's hard to imagine the leader he looks up to so much having her own shortcomings, but perhaps she just hides it well. Something Peonypaw considers trying to perfect above all else.

Peonypaw's gaze drifts to the scars that Badgermoon draws his attention to. "Winning," he echoes with a slow nod, "that makes sense. Doing it all for the Clan is a good motivator."

His musings that are meant both for himself and Badgermoon are cut short when a new question pops into his mind. "Sir, if you don't mind me asking, how did you learn to fight? You did that before the five Clans were formed, right?"​

❝ I DON'T WANT TO RUN — JUST OVERWHELM ME ❞​

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[Badgermoon]

If Peonypaw had voiced his thoughts, Badgermoon would've been quick to confirm that he had quite a few flaws. That had become increasingly obvious to him over the past few moons, which was surely a step in the right direction. Alas, the tomcat remained too complacent for his own good - but that's a story for another time. The apprentice's intuition was correct that, by and large, he thought the tunnels were scary because of how inaccessible they were to him - but he also could not imagine being so far beneath the ground, out of StarClan's sight.

"Everything a cat does can be done for the good of the Clan." he curled his dark tail around his body, a look of approval on his face at Peonypaw's responsiveness. It's good to know that some apprentices are well-behaved. "I would argue that pretty much everything should be, actually." some things in a cat's life were best left to concern themselves and their family, but truth be told, the desire to serve WindClan fueled almost his whole life. Before WindClan, after all, he hadn't had a purpose - now he did, and it felt like the easiest thing in the world to devote himself to it.

How had he learned to fight? "Yes, I did." Badgermoon nodded, his mind drifting back to the days he didn't like to think about: before the Clans. Before he had found the moor, and the moor had found him. He had never really considered his own process of learning combat skills - it had been a prerequisite for survival. "Living on your own is very difficult. It's a hard life, and you learn what you need to learn if you want to make it." his voice sounded a little distant, somehow, and his yellow eyes looked straight through Peonypaw at something no one else could see. A strange smile appeared briefly on his lips as he added, "You learn to fight, you learn to hunt, you learn to hide...and maybe sometimes you end up fighting for fun, too. Just to feel something. Just because you feel you have nothing else to do."​

 

[PEONYBREEZE]

✿ — Peonypaw nods once more to Badgermoon's words as if he had to shift his head each time something of value got added to it. Of course, he's always wanted to make WindClan proud, even when he was still just Peonykit. Being stuck in camp with your only options being dwelling on the past or tossing a mossball or two around meant he had plenty of time to simply watch his Clanmates go about their days, see who was taking their tasks seriously and who was looking to end it and laze around. It's really not Peonypaw's place to judge others for their actions or lack thereof, but he has to admit he had found himself making faces at those of the latter category.

StarClan willing he won't turn out like that. He feels the desire to do well for his Clan within himself each and every day. To ignore that would be throwing away the reason for his birth as far as he's concerned.

A thought is forming, but Peonypaw waits for Badgermoon's answer before voicing it. A good thing, too: the deputy gives him insight about what it means to be a rogue, the kind that he wouldn't have thought of alone due to having zero experience in that field.

"I can't imagine living like that," he murmurs, meaning every word. Idly, he drags one paw across the sand as he scours the camp. "No sense of community, no rules... like those drooling dogs near the Horseplace."

Peonypaw pauses before staring deep into Badgermoon's eyes. One might wonder how it's possible that his admiration for the tom has just grew, although it only shows itself in a slight glimmer in those pools of blue; not a hint of a smile. "For what it's worth, I'm glad you got to become a WindClanner. It wouldn't be the same without you."​

❝ I DON'T WANT TO RUN — JUST OVERWHELM ME ❞​

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[Badgermoon]

Badgermoon didn't miss his life before WindClan. Truthfully, he didn't think it had been much of a life at all. If anyone failed to understand his passionate love of the Clan or his intense loyalty, they needed only to realize that in Badgermoon's mind WindClan had saved him. WindClan had pulled him out of his darkest depths, and he had fallen in love with the land, with the feeling of community, with its powerful, courageous leader. He had come to understand the truth of StarClan and the majestic afterlife which awaited the faithful warrior. With everything the Clan had given him, how could he not devote himself utterly to it?

The comparison to dogs was an apt one, and Badgermoon nodded slowly, a grim smile on his face. "I hope you never experience what that's like, Peonypaw." he offered in a solemn tone. His mind drifted to the expulsion of traitors, a few moons ago, and felt a shudder across his body. Imagine abandoning your Clanmates, your leader, and StarClan itself to live...like that. Madness. "But luckily for me, those days are behind me. And I'm so proud to see the next generation of WindClanners learning and growing, becoming fine warriors of the moor." a much more Badgermoon-y expression replaced his serious look as he offered the younger tom a grin.

To his surprise, Peonypaw held his gaze, the color of cool water meeting wheat tones, and the deputy fell silent, presuming something important was about to be said. To his even greater surprise, the tunneler apprentice offered him ... a compliment? "Oh." said Badgermoon dumbly. "Well, uh - thank you. I - hm. Thank you very much." his white-tipped ears flattened briefly in something somewhere between sheepishness and gratitude, before he added, "I'm glad I got to become a WindClanner, too." he tilted his head, thinking, before venturing forward with caution.

"For what it's worth...I'm sorry about Gorserunner and Heatherfoot." WindClan's first leaf-bare had been a hard season indeed, costing Peonypaw and his siblings their parents, among many other losses. "I think you should be very proud to be their son, though. They...they were fine warriors." ​

 

[PEONYBREEZE]

✿ — Badgermoon's words settle within Peonypaw, and he knows he is lucky. Has known it well for the past few moons, of course, but it's always good to be reminded in a more... direct manner. He doubts he would manage to stay with his nerves and brain intact for long like that. One way or another, out of necessity and his instincts working overtime, he'd probably manage to fight and hunt for his survival, albeit not as gracefully as with supervision.

It's the aspect of loneliness paired with no sense of direction that'd get to him. The sky above would mean nothing, the idea of bettering yourself for the sake of others would be pointless.

The name Badgermoon - and perhaps, one day, Badgerstar - will be remembered for years upon years long after he takes his last breath, and Peonypaw doubts there's a fate more fulfilling than that in the whole wide world.

His maw shifts then, finally the ghost of a smile. Amused, because he just surprised the deputy enough to have him stammer and fumble with his words.

"Oh," Peonypaw drawls, expression wiped clean as Badgermoon strikes him with the name of his parents. He should be over it by now, he believes so with all his might, despite the fact that the loss still feels fresh and the wound it left behind is far from healed. It's his turn to chase after words. "Th...thank you, I, I appreciate it."

He does, even if the sudden reminder has knocked all breath out of him. The ground seems to be the better alternative to Badgermoon's earnest face, blurry at the edges as Peonypaw struggles with the tears that threaten to spill over if he doesn't push back against them hard enough. He should say something- it's impolite to leave Badgermoon hanging like that, but Peonypaw can't bring himself to talk.​

❝ I DON'T WANT TO RUN — JUST OVERWHELM ME ❞​

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