- Dec 14, 2022
- 396
- 66
- 28
I FIND COMFORT IN THE SOUND AND THE SHAPE OF THE HEART ⋆⁺₊⋆
//TW: Slight description of death and lots of grief + self blame
It had been a couple of days after Beesong's death, it weighed heavily upon the clan. Gloom loomed over the clan like dark heavy clouds of rain, pouring raging showers on many clanmates. It was exactly how it had been when she found her way back to her clan and exactly how it had been when she had seemingly been plopped back onto the world. Lungs heavily eased a sigh, a tall figure crouching at the riverbanks. The memories of interacting with Beesong riddled her brain, eyes heavy from emotion, staring at her expression lazily. Petalnose did make it seem like nothing happened after her breakdown at the scene, after the death of their beloved medicine cat. She carried herself as she always did, maybe even more confidently than she once had as a result of her position within the ranks. She made it seem like it was a one-time occurrence of sadness. In reality, she was just as sore as everyone and bitter. She merely made herself look like the strong cat she was, assuring her clanmates they were in safe and steady hands underneath her.
Petalnose almost felt guilty for how she felt, that she should be happy as a result of her rise to the ranks. Although, if she was happy wouldn't she be guilty of that as well? She did not know how to feel, although, luckily she knew how to act. She had to act like herself, she had to act like nothing happened. It was a defensive manner of guarding herself as well, locking her heart and feelings up in a dark cage.
She shut her eyes to ease the soreness and strain. Quickly, she fell into a light nap.
***
Thunderstorms she saw, rain wildly racing down the skies and making the territory seem faded. Lightening flashed, her memories making an image of Beesong comforting her and then their scarred face turned into another familiar face. Gentle but firm light blue eyes stared down upon her, a muscular brown tabby queen. "Go on, you're free to play with your brother. The storm has ceased. But.. don't cause any problems again, I won't save you from our colony leader's scoldings this time." she hummed, nudging her small form after her excitable brother. Mix-matched eyes rolled and she lazily strolled out of the den.
There were fond memories, memories of her sneaking out of her brother, playing with him, and causing countless scoldings from their mother. Then there was lashing of claws and snapping of teeth at each other, colony members breaking them up and pulling the two apart by their scruffs.
Doting gazes of her mother were countless, frequently telling stories of her life and other colony members. Then there were looks that were harsh and scolding towards her.
She was a spectator of her own dreams, now watching her youthful frame loom over bloodied bodies. Her brothers sides heaved upwards and then they fell one last time. His sides did not rise again and she watched herself shake his body and yell.
Then there was Echo, whom had fell to the same fate her family did. Two times she led cats to their demise. The same death. The same scene.
It's your fault. How could you make the same mistake again? These cats' blood stains your fur and you live your life trying to forget about it. They died the same way, you lead them into the grasp of death. It's your fault.
***
Petalnose shot out of her sleep, finding her paws carrying her to the burial place. Sadness washed over, sitting down in the middle of the burial place. Her family was not buried here, as they weren't alive during the formation of Riverclan but she picked an empty spot as if they were there. She sat as if she was looming over two graves. Patched tail tightly curled around her paws as she stared up at the setting sun. Soon, the stars would come out. Somber thoughts caused her fur to prickle, Is Starclan punishing me? Or was this all fake, an illusion in my mind? But if they’re not here, where are they? Or were they made up too? Where is my family? My friends!?
It’s your fault.
// @MUDPELT Tags
//TW: Slight description of death and lots of grief + self blame
It had been a couple of days after Beesong's death, it weighed heavily upon the clan. Gloom loomed over the clan like dark heavy clouds of rain, pouring raging showers on many clanmates. It was exactly how it had been when she found her way back to her clan and exactly how it had been when she had seemingly been plopped back onto the world. Lungs heavily eased a sigh, a tall figure crouching at the riverbanks. The memories of interacting with Beesong riddled her brain, eyes heavy from emotion, staring at her expression lazily. Petalnose did make it seem like nothing happened after her breakdown at the scene, after the death of their beloved medicine cat. She carried herself as she always did, maybe even more confidently than she once had as a result of her position within the ranks. She made it seem like it was a one-time occurrence of sadness. In reality, she was just as sore as everyone and bitter. She merely made herself look like the strong cat she was, assuring her clanmates they were in safe and steady hands underneath her.
Petalnose almost felt guilty for how she felt, that she should be happy as a result of her rise to the ranks. Although, if she was happy wouldn't she be guilty of that as well? She did not know how to feel, although, luckily she knew how to act. She had to act like herself, she had to act like nothing happened. It was a defensive manner of guarding herself as well, locking her heart and feelings up in a dark cage.
She shut her eyes to ease the soreness and strain. Quickly, she fell into a light nap.
***
Thunderstorms she saw, rain wildly racing down the skies and making the territory seem faded. Lightening flashed, her memories making an image of Beesong comforting her and then their scarred face turned into another familiar face. Gentle but firm light blue eyes stared down upon her, a muscular brown tabby queen. "Go on, you're free to play with your brother. The storm has ceased. But.. don't cause any problems again, I won't save you from our colony leader's scoldings this time." she hummed, nudging her small form after her excitable brother. Mix-matched eyes rolled and she lazily strolled out of the den.
There were fond memories, memories of her sneaking out of her brother, playing with him, and causing countless scoldings from their mother. Then there was lashing of claws and snapping of teeth at each other, colony members breaking them up and pulling the two apart by their scruffs.
Doting gazes of her mother were countless, frequently telling stories of her life and other colony members. Then there were looks that were harsh and scolding towards her.
She was a spectator of her own dreams, now watching her youthful frame loom over bloodied bodies. Her brothers sides heaved upwards and then they fell one last time. His sides did not rise again and she watched herself shake his body and yell.
Then there was Echo, whom had fell to the same fate her family did. Two times she led cats to their demise. The same death. The same scene.
It's your fault. How could you make the same mistake again? These cats' blood stains your fur and you live your life trying to forget about it. They died the same way, you lead them into the grasp of death. It's your fault.
***
Petalnose shot out of her sleep, finding her paws carrying her to the burial place. Sadness washed over, sitting down in the middle of the burial place. Her family was not buried here, as they weren't alive during the formation of Riverclan but she picked an empty spot as if they were there. She sat as if she was looming over two graves. Patched tail tightly curled around her paws as she stared up at the setting sun. Soon, the stars would come out. Somber thoughts caused her fur to prickle, Is Starclan punishing me? Or was this all fake, an illusion in my mind? But if they’re not here, where are they? Or were they made up too? Where is my family? My friends!?
It’s your fault.
// @MUDPELT Tags
