- Sep 15, 2022
- 157
- 27
- 28
The night is cold and clear, and Yewberry is once again left to his thoughts alone in the barn. It's cozy and warm here, but it does little to bring warmth to the cold desolation he feels inside. There is no fire inside anymore. He just wants to fall asleep and never awaken. He's ruined his life and several others, and he has come to the conclusion that the best thing he can do for his family is to die.
He's sure his kits would love to gut him for leaving, for putting targets on their backs and making their lives harder.
There's plenty of other cats who want him dead anyways. It doesn't include only Windclan anymore. Everyone wants him dead for the simple fact that he was a Windclanner. Maybe he should just give them what they want. Who will miss him, anyways? He's nothing to no one. His biggest mistake was wandering onto those moors all those moons ago. He should have never left the twolegplace, he should have found a twoleg to take care of him. At least then someone would love him and he would have a much simpler life.
Restless, he wanders outside the barn and looks to the night sky. The stars shine as always, and a ladder catches his eye in the pen that the horses roam. It reaches up to the roof of the barn, and he feels drawn to scale its height to reach the roof. Very carefully he climbs up the ladder and reaches the roof, digging his claws into the shingles and sitting on top of the window leading into the hayloft. The roof of the window looked almost like a little barn, he thought absentmindedly. From here, he could feel the gentle night breeze passing through his fur and below he could see the whole stretch of land the pen covered.
Beyond, he could see the moors bathed in moonlight, the wind making the grass sway and rustle quietly. Anyone else would have a hard time believing that savage cats roam these beautiful star kissed moors. Its beauty hides the danger that lurks within and below. He looks to the stars who twinkle silently in the night.
"I'm sorry." He murmurs. Who is he apologizing to? He's not sure anymore.
"I failed you. Will you ever forgive me for speaking when I should have just stayed quiet?" He continues. "I still love you. I never stopped loving you. You may not be mine by blood, and that's probably for the best. My blood is weak and cowardly and ends with me." He says, looking back to the moors. "I have likely cause you so much pain and trouble and if you can't forgive me, thats fine. I understand. Windclan will look for any reason to judge and look down on others, including even their own. I know this well, I was never cut out to be one of them and they knew it. Even if I didn't speak out against their queen, they'd find a reason to kill me anyways. I'm sure by now you want the same."
"I wasn't ready to be a father.... I'm sure you realized that, though." He starts again. "But your mother needed someone....And I couldn't say no, what if the clan found out? I didn't want her to get hurt. We may not have truly been mates, but I.... I still thought of you as my own." His throat began to tighten and tears began to swell in his eyes. "I remember watching you play in the snow, sliding on the ice. I remember telling you stories at night to help you fall asleep." He choked out.
A shaky breath escaped him and he cried out into the night. "AND I REMEMBER ALL THE PROMISES I MADE THAT I BROKE. I PROMISED I WOULD NEVER LEAVE YOUR SIDE AND I BROKE IT. I PROMISED I WOULD ALWAYS CHEER YOU ON, AND I BROKE IT. I PROMISED I'D NEVER LET ANYONE HURT YOU AND I BROKE IT!!!"
His cries reverberated through his small form and the cold air stung his wet cheeks. "I FAILED YOU, AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX THE DAMAGE I HAVE DONE."
He squeezes his eyes shut, forcing more tears down his cheeks. "I'm sorry for everything. I hate myself more than all of Windclan hates me combined.....I left you all in a den of snakes." He says. "I told Sootstar she will leave behind nothing but ash and soot, and I left you in that fire. There really is no forgiving what I have done. There's no fixing it."
He places a paw on the scar on his face, the one that Juniperfrost had given him. "I dare not dream that things will go back to how they used to be. I just hope that once this fire burns out....We can meet again."
He feels a little lighter after crying his heart out to the wind and stars. Slowly, he is coming to terms with his mistakes. Soon he will be able to look forward instead of backwards, and while he dare not hope for a bright future, it's at least nice to think about.
He's sure his kits would love to gut him for leaving, for putting targets on their backs and making their lives harder.
There's plenty of other cats who want him dead anyways. It doesn't include only Windclan anymore. Everyone wants him dead for the simple fact that he was a Windclanner. Maybe he should just give them what they want. Who will miss him, anyways? He's nothing to no one. His biggest mistake was wandering onto those moors all those moons ago. He should have never left the twolegplace, he should have found a twoleg to take care of him. At least then someone would love him and he would have a much simpler life.
Restless, he wanders outside the barn and looks to the night sky. The stars shine as always, and a ladder catches his eye in the pen that the horses roam. It reaches up to the roof of the barn, and he feels drawn to scale its height to reach the roof. Very carefully he climbs up the ladder and reaches the roof, digging his claws into the shingles and sitting on top of the window leading into the hayloft. The roof of the window looked almost like a little barn, he thought absentmindedly. From here, he could feel the gentle night breeze passing through his fur and below he could see the whole stretch of land the pen covered.
Beyond, he could see the moors bathed in moonlight, the wind making the grass sway and rustle quietly. Anyone else would have a hard time believing that savage cats roam these beautiful star kissed moors. Its beauty hides the danger that lurks within and below. He looks to the stars who twinkle silently in the night.
"I'm sorry." He murmurs. Who is he apologizing to? He's not sure anymore.
"I failed you. Will you ever forgive me for speaking when I should have just stayed quiet?" He continues. "I still love you. I never stopped loving you. You may not be mine by blood, and that's probably for the best. My blood is weak and cowardly and ends with me." He says, looking back to the moors. "I have likely cause you so much pain and trouble and if you can't forgive me, thats fine. I understand. Windclan will look for any reason to judge and look down on others, including even their own. I know this well, I was never cut out to be one of them and they knew it. Even if I didn't speak out against their queen, they'd find a reason to kill me anyways. I'm sure by now you want the same."
"I wasn't ready to be a father.... I'm sure you realized that, though." He starts again. "But your mother needed someone....And I couldn't say no, what if the clan found out? I didn't want her to get hurt. We may not have truly been mates, but I.... I still thought of you as my own." His throat began to tighten and tears began to swell in his eyes. "I remember watching you play in the snow, sliding on the ice. I remember telling you stories at night to help you fall asleep." He choked out.
A shaky breath escaped him and he cried out into the night. "AND I REMEMBER ALL THE PROMISES I MADE THAT I BROKE. I PROMISED I WOULD NEVER LEAVE YOUR SIDE AND I BROKE IT. I PROMISED I WOULD ALWAYS CHEER YOU ON, AND I BROKE IT. I PROMISED I'D NEVER LET ANYONE HURT YOU AND I BROKE IT!!!"
His cries reverberated through his small form and the cold air stung his wet cheeks. "I FAILED YOU, AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX THE DAMAGE I HAVE DONE."
He squeezes his eyes shut, forcing more tears down his cheeks. "I'm sorry for everything. I hate myself more than all of Windclan hates me combined.....I left you all in a den of snakes." He says. "I told Sootstar she will leave behind nothing but ash and soot, and I left you in that fire. There really is no forgiving what I have done. There's no fixing it."
He places a paw on the scar on his face, the one that Juniperfrost had given him. "I dare not dream that things will go back to how they used to be. I just hope that once this fire burns out....We can meet again."
He feels a little lighter after crying his heart out to the wind and stars. Slowly, he is coming to terms with his mistakes. Soon he will be able to look forward instead of backwards, and while he dare not hope for a bright future, it's at least nice to think about.