private Good for nothing - lichenstar

[Lilacbird]

do you wanna know how it feels ​

A small gulp, a shuffle at the entrance of lichenstars den. Her eyes warily look over to the nursery- imagining her kits forms sleeping soundly even though she couldn't see them. They were her life. She put every ounce of energy into them, every ounce of love into them. Dragonflykit had a tendency to... Need a little bit of extra attention, having to constantly stop him from shoving things in his mouth that he shouldn't. Twilightkit was curious, inquisitive about the world- owlkit was playful and silly- she wouldn't ever change them. She loved each individual in there.

She loved being a mother. But... Riverclan was constantly were growing bigger, not enough mothers could care for the orphans, soon she would be out, and it would feel as if it was all on the other queens, and she didn't really want to return from that life. She was... Better at this life. Her long coat held her back during the summer, but she knew they'd need her during the winter. She just knew though, that something in her wanted this more than anything.

Pacing back and forth, anticipating a decline before finally, softly shed breathe the leaders name. "L-lichenstar?" Perhaps she was too quiet, and the leader wouldn't hear her. Perhaps it wasn't too late to not bother her. To just turn around- but something settled her to wait.

It wasn't that she was bad at what she did, she could fish, she could swim- but she wasn't the best at it. And it scared her to train apprentices, to barely be able to pass on the skills she lacked on.

@lichenstar
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do you wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me
she/her ⋆ 30 moons old ⋆ lilac tortie with blue eyes ⋆ information

 

[lichenstar]

✦˚.✦˚✦˚✦˚ ✧ ˚✦˚✦˚✦.˚✧

CLAIM THE BURIAL I SEEK IN DREAMS FLOWING RIVER CEMETARY ✧

• Stretching her limbs in preparation to settle, she couldn't deny the way that the end of summer had flown by like a speeding hummingbird. So fast and without much incident (raccoon brawl withstanding...). If it was just her own suffering to mark the passage of time, it was a burden worth accepting. A couple stubborn licks to the fur at her chest are interrupted by the smallest peep of her name- That was most assuredly not one of her younger ones coming to check on her.
  
  The leader stands straight as is comfortable before twirling to sit in her nest, "I'm here... you can come in...." The face that peeks between the willow leaves is not one she would've expected, frankly... the pale-furred visage of a friend who'd insisted on her relaxing. How long ago had that been? It felt like a lifetime.. and many lifetimes had ended since then...
  
  "Oh... Lilacbird," there is a lilt of relief to her voice, "It's... good to see you...."
• about
  
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[Lilacbird]

do you wanna know how it feels ​

Lichenstar had heard her, the leaders voice steady and her small ears pin down to her head in swarming anxiety. Perhaps she could change the subject- Riverclan needed their warriors- but they needed strong warriors, and she was not strong. "Lichenstar," she said again, clearing her throat as to be louder. "I- I heard of... The raccoons.. yesterday, are- you resting properly? For once?" She asked, her gentle gaze drifting over the leaders already broken form, a pang in her heart pulling at the sight.

Guilt was eating at her, already, and she kneaded her paws into the dirt ground subtly. But a sigh escaped her. "I.. unfortunately have a question t-to ask you- since.. my children are d-due to become apprentices soon," she began, her head turning to the nursery, expecting their bundling energetic forms to race out any minute. Naps were becoming far and few in between, if at all. She never had a lot of time and the exhaustion showed in her features. But she had never been happier. Once she finally settled with her child's death in her arms, that is.
​

do you wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me
she/her ⋆ 30 moons old ⋆ lilac tortie with blue eyes ⋆ information

 

[lichenstar]

✦˚.✦˚✦˚✦˚ ✧ ˚✦˚✦˚✦.˚✧

CLAIM THE BURIAL I SEEK IN DREAMS FLOWING RIVER CEMETARY ✧

• The molly gives a small hum of amusement- Lilacbird has ever known just when to catch her running from a chance to relax and rest. Adorned in webbed wrappings that keep torn skin together, the pointed tabby gives a small shrug, "Properly... remains to be seen," it is mostly a joke but... it goes unspoken that duty is demanding. "Just trying... not to make it... worse for now."
  
  Ears swivel at the change of tone, the change of subject... An example of her role being the most pressing concern. The clan prayed for her good health and a long life but would always place her identity as leader above her individuality. It was an unfortunate side effect... maybe it was why Cicadastar and Smokestar's relationships felt so few and far between. To witness so much death and know you are held apart from the clan you used to share a den with. "Quite soon," she agrees, remembering when the tiny scraps had first been born. Time moved quickly... "Is there... something wrong?" What question could she possibly have about their imminent apprenticeship? Or maybe she longed for understanding from someone who'd felt the final breaths of their own child once...?
  
  The topic is uncomfortable and she isn't eager to explore it. It had been hard enough to crack Hazecloud's shell about it, much less bare her soul to Lilacbird about it.
• about
  
  speech hex code ✧ #6368A5
  
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  tagging ✶
  penned by tieirlys
• ˚　　★⋆. ࿐࿔　　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.　　　　　 . ✦　　　 　˚　　　　 .
  
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[Lilacbird]

do you wanna know how it feels ​

Lichenstar spoke, and a frown furrowed on her muzzle. "Is .. there anything that can make your nest more comfortable for you ..?" She asked, genuine in her voice. "Perhaps .. I c-can have some apprentices... Maybe, find feathers and flowers for you as well!" She offered, seeming apt to try to keep a cool tone that she does in fact care about Lichenstars state and well being. Stars, she'd probably do it if Lichenstar rejected the offer, just to have the apprentices do something fun. And maybe some could make flower crowns- but she was never good at weaving. Shed love to do it with her children, but to take them from camp is not something she ever dared to even think of. Too many dangers out there, and she only feared of their safety becoming apprentices. "And... Any th-that Moonbeam m-might find useful, she c-could have!"

With the chill of leafbare on the horizon, and the leaves slowly drifting from the branches of the trees, there would be no flowers for much longer. And she was sure moonbeam would appreciate anything she can salvage with the damage the raccoons did on Riverclans warriors.

But her head ducked a little and she shook her head. "no, nothing- wrong with them, I.. don't think. They seem happy and healthy!" She ensured. Her cheek felt raw from chewing on it, and a heavy gulp came from her throat. "it's . About me- I just, I'm... Happier, being a queen- and... I j-just-, I know we need our warriors- but.. I just... I feel, more useful, in this position..." Helping the young mothers, the poor children found lost within their borders, the future warriors to become well behaved- she was sure she would be more useful staying within the confines of the nursery.
​

do you wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me
she/her ⋆ 30 moons old ⋆ lilac tortie with blue eyes ⋆ information

 

[lichenstar]

✦˚.✦˚✦˚✦˚ ✧ ˚✦˚✦˚✦.˚✧

CLAIM THE BURIAL I SEEK IN DREAMS FLOWING RIVER CEMETARY ✧

• Lilacbird had a habit for putting aside her own needs in favor of helping others.. it was a tenderness, a sweetness to her heart that not many could maintain after so much death. So much destruction. So much displacement and fear. She was as fragile as the blooms she was named for, as light as the feathers of a bird. It hadn't struck Lichenstar just how well her name suited her.... Did their own name fit them? They never thought to ask...
  
  "I'm fine," she assures in crackling tones, trying to pull on a smile to be some amount of reassurance. Hazecloud was plenty enough of a... plucky mother hen to make sure she was tended to and lectured in equal measure. "Mmm... my reputation as a... bird lover precedes me..." Feathers are a hard prize to ignore but she doesn't encourage it further. "I'm sure Moonbeam.... would appreciate the help."
  
  They circle back to the young queen's kits and their safety... they are happy and healthy. It's all they can ever ask for. Lichenstar's own brood stands in relative comfort and liveliness... a measure of success that few parents can boast but, that remains to be seen. Maybe she would soon confront Lightningstone's grim reality and watch them fall crumble apart between her paws. Not even quite warriors... so close.
  
  But Lilacbird isn't worried for her kits, she's concerned with her purpose and pursuing her own passions... In another life, would Lichenstar had taken the same bite out of comfort? "So... you'd like to stay?" The leader shifts to tuck her paws under her chest, blinking slowly as they consider what this may mean... it is fine now, in the end of greenleaf. What was the timing on Claythorn's litter? Would they be out of the nursery by the time winter was in full swing? "You understand.... there's no changing this," the lynx point continues, "No mentoring... an apprentice... no dreams of... promotions.... You'll care for... any orphans, regardless... of where they come from."
  
  This felt most important now, with the slow unraveling of cross-clan litters that had wormed their way into RiverClan of late. After how the Ripple Colony struggled to integrate because of internal judgements...
  
  
• about
  
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[Lilacbird]

do you wanna know how it feels ​

It would never fail, her head lifting and her maw tugging In a slight frown-, the stubbornness she felt that Lichenstar would need more comfort than she'd allow herself. Perhaps, she could arrange something with Hazecloud... She was sure the molly wouldn't mind distracting Lichenstar for a few moments... When she was a bit better to move around. A forced surprise, if you will. "Hmm..." She humms softly. "She would indeed ..."

She always had concern for her kittens. A selfish greed to keep twilightkit, dragonflykit, and gentle kit by her side- in the nursery, never far out of paws grip. But that wouldn't be an easy request. She was sure she wasn't the only mother to feel this way either. "I would." Her voice was just a bit more confident this time around, a promising tone in it. Though her eyebrows pinched together a bit, ears flattening. "Lichenstar... When... Have I ever judged a character from where they came from...?" Though it was not a snapping voice, it was hesitant. She turned her head a bit, blinking softly of blue eyes that seemed a little more hurt than anything. Though... She judged dust- but he hurt her clan. She had to defend her clan against him, pregnant with their kits that he would never see.fortunately, it was a secret that no one except silverbreath knew about. For otherwise... She would be cast away in a blink of unforgiving eyes .. the anxiety gnawed if he ever came to look for them... But he wouldn't. If only she had known him better sooner....

"I have never dreamed of any p-promotion. It is not... Not what my heart longs for. I ... D-doubt I would even be helpful in a promotion..." A nervous laughter, shaking her head. The thought of Smoke star demanding they kill red water rogues on sight, the thoughts of killing others or fighting or battling- she squeezed her eyes shut. "I p-promise the ch-children would be safe, well t-taken care of. I c-can help with anything they need b-but... Apprentices? I..."

Her lips pulled back more tight, eyes lifting up to lichens own blue, carefully observing. "D-don't put even my own faith in myself to p-properly train an apprentice past swimming and fishing..." She only spoke the truth. As much as it was just her own insecurities, she fully believed she would not do well training an apprentice.
​

do you wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me
she/her ⋆ 30 moons old ⋆ lilac tortie with blue eyes ⋆ information

 

[lichenstar]

✦˚.✦˚✦˚✦˚ ✧ ˚✦˚✦˚✦.˚✧

CLAIM THE BURIAL I SEEK IN DREAMS FLOWING RIVER CEMETARY ✧

• Her mistake is realized the moment Lilacbird softly protests against her judgement... Lichenstar had not intended that to be understood as a slight against her... but that would need to be amended now with intention- "I didn't mean... it like that," she insists, "It just... needs to be said..." There are plenty of dissenters amongst her clan she couldn't reliably trust to choose kindness over prejudice and that was where the fear started from.
  
  She sighs, quietly, while the soft-hearted she-cat dives head first into her failures, rambling and stuttering over her insecurities, her certainties about her lack of worth in different areas. You aren't the best judge of that, she thinks to argue... but doesn't bother to waste her breath. Lilacbird was blinded by her own anxiety and it wouldn't go away just because the blue lynx point told her not to believe it.
  
  "You don't... have to do that," she cuts in as she trails off about training an apprentice, "You don't need to.... degrade yourself... to prove anything... Apricotflower is... a fine warrior... and still chose... this instead. It has... nothing to do... with your hunting... or fighting... or teaching. It's only about... what you want." She nods affirmatively, to herself mostly, "You understand... the terms... then I won't deny.... you from your calling.... Enjoy... your new role... You'll be great."
• about
  
  speech hex code ✧ #6368A5
  
  ooc notes ✦
  tagging ✶
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• ˚　　★⋆. ࿐࿔　　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.　　　　　 . ✦　　　 　˚　　　　 .
  
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