private Guilty, not remorseful | Catfishpaw

[Hazewish]

TRAVELER, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED (AND NOW YOU MUST GO) ⋆⁺₊⋆

It’s been forever, but finally: Catfish is out of the medicine den.

Hazepaw wasn’t actually there to welcome her back into the apprentice’s den proper — time got away from them a bit, they’ll admit. But they’re here now and they saw this really cool twoleg thingamajig that got swept by the river and trapped between rocks that they cannot wait to show Catfishpaw. It’s been so long since they got to hear her thoughts about things.

(The territory doesn’t look as interesting without her in it.)

It’s been strangely difficult to find the familiar ripples of their friend’s pelt in the camp, lately: it’s almost as if she’s been… avoiding them? But that doesn’t sound right. And eventually they do find her, and seemingly not busy, either: the sight of her brings a smile to Haze’s face. It’s good to have her back. Padding up to Catfish, they bump their head against her shoulder in welcome.

”Out?” She asks, jerking her head towards the limits of camp with a playful flick of her ear.

[⋆]​

​

 

[Catfishleap]

'cause my girl's made of peaches♡—————————————————
She wasn't busy. Training was slower nowadays due to it being mostly retraining old skills with limbs that tired much quicker than before. So she had just been around, existing. Before that was what she dreamed of, to be free of responsibility so she could go and find trouble, or as they were more commonly known, Hazepaw.

Funny how quick the tide can turn though. One perceived slight, that was all it had taken for Catfishpaw to start avoiding Hazepaw. That distance made it even harder for her to forgive them too. She was left alone, to stew in nasty feelings that left her with all sorts of insecurities. You know it actually made sense for Hazepaw to not like her anymore she would convince herself. She hadn't been feeling like herself since she was discharged from the den either, she was weak, fragile, emotional, it all just felt awful. She didn't want to deal with these feelings, so why would anyone else want to?

So, when Hazepaw found her, she didn't smile as she would've even a moon ago. Instead, she hardly notices the other cat until they have already bumped against her. A familiar action, that at one point it would have been returned without hesitation, but now she held her back. "Hey..." she sayd slowly in place of the psychical greeting. It was funny, this is what she had wanted to happen. She wanted to be asked out into the territory, and yet, it was too late.

"Oh, well actually I'm pretty busy right now," She got up to show how urgent this was "Yeah, Troutpaw needs me to like help her with some sparring practice. So it's like kinda important."

She lied, and didn't do a great job. She was still relearning how to swim and run, she wasn't sparring with anyone anytime soon. Hazepaw would know that. She hadn't really considered that the prospect was silly, but the goal of her saying it wasn't for it to make sense; it was too hurt Hazepaw. To make her feel like they had been forgotten, or even better, replaced.

"You know..." she started "You should maybe even not be sneaking out. Like at all. Mosspaw is like all bothered about it and stuff. She had to start complaining to me about it even." Their sister had said that Catfish would have the most sway over the other adolescent. In a way she had known that to be true, but only for the fact that the opposite was also true. Hazepaw could convince her to do just about anything, something that made rejecting an offer from them even harder. And yet, she had done it.
and soft grass in the moonlight♡—————————♡penned by WriteAboutRadish
​

 

[Hazewish]

TRAVELER, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED (AND NOW YOU MUST GO) ⋆⁺₊⋆

Usually, things go like this: Haze comes up with a scheme or an idea for something to do outside the camp, tell Catfish, and then they sneak out; sometimes they get caught, most of the time they don’t. Or Catfish asks to go out to clear her head or to find new accessories for her pelt or for no reason at all except that it’s fun, she tells Haze, and there they go.

The important part is this: when one asks, the other always — always follow.

Unless one is lying in the medicine den with a broken leg. That changed things, didn’t it? Catfishpaw couldn’t follow, because the last time she did she got her leg bitten for her trouble, and now… Now she doesn’t want to. She’s busy. Hazepaw didn’t even know she liked sparring that much — and now she’s doing it with Troutpaw, even though it must suck with her leg still just healed and she can probably run circles around the smaller apprentice any day anyway. There’s no way it’s more fun to spar with Trout than it is to hang out with Haze.

Unless… Unless it’s not about the sparring. Maybe they got closer while Catfish was in the medicine den and Haze was out of camp all the time because of her duties and because camp is boring. Maybe Catfish likes Troutpaw better now.

They’re about to try and convince her anyway when she brings up Mosspaw. And that’s just weird, and no fun, because since when do the two of them talk? And since when does Catfish listen to Mosspaw, and agree with her, and prefer listening to her than going out with Haze, and—

Hazepaw isn’t impulsive, usually. She doesn’t speak much but she always thinks before she does, so she never says something she doesn’t believe is true. Words are powerful. But this once, she’s… she’s hurt, and betrayed; she’s frustrated that Catfish won’t come, and that it matters so much to her even though she could just leave on her own and Catfish is her own person, anyway, she can do what she want. Even if what she wants is to hang out with Troutpaw and Moss instead.

And so she looks accusingly at Catfish and she says, without thinking: ”Bo-ring.”

[⋆]​

​

 

[Catfishleap]

'cause my girl's made of peaches♡—————————————————
She watched as Hazepaw puzzled together all that she had said. It was strange, for Catfish this was a confrontation that she had been stewing on for awhile, thinking over the ways that she was hurting while watching the other apprentice sleep peacefully across the den from her. But for Hazepaw it was a random radical change in their best friend, a change that not even Starclan could have predicted. Catfishpaw couldn't help but find herself questioning how dense her friend really was. Believing her lie and taking it with no question, the inquiry nearly fell out of her mouth too, but before it could Hazepaw finally spoke.

It didn't take a genius to figure out that for once Hazepaw hadn't thought before they spoke. A unique situation. A direct effect of this impulse was for once Catfish didn't feel comfort from their voice.

”Bo-ring.”

The long silky tail of the molly started to thrash. Her heart stopped for a second and she could feel anger bubbling inside her stomach. Her voice and thoughts escaped in such a frenzy that she couldn't stop if she wanted to, "Oh!" she exclaimed first, "I'm sorry, I'd hate for YOU to be annoyed with my stupid leg, or my stupid extra training that keeps me busy all the time. Or maybe it's that I don't really want to go out again and you get me killed instead of just mauled?" her words had started harsh but by the end they were closer to a shout, "Maybe I got boring because you visited me, like what maybe, once when I was in the medicine den? What were you doing? Training, swimming, visiting the stupid colony? Being able to see something other than the same walls every single day? That must have been hard, I'm sorry if it was boring." A few tears were starting to drop down her cheeks, she didn't want to cry but it was like an explosion. The pressure had been building for about a moon, even from when she first was in the medicine den, and now it had to leave. She had excused Hazepaw's negligence before, even assuring her friend that it was the two of their bad judgement that got her leg bit. But, if it had just been Catfish walking that night she had no doubt that the badger den would have stayed untouched.

"You... you're stupid." she said the last words riding off her rant. She wasn't sure exactly what made Haze stupid, but they had to be. Why else would they make her feel like this? It wasn't her friend that made her feel like this, it was her parents, or being alone, or whatever other failure she could see in herself that made her feel like this. It was Haze herself that would say how dumb those things were for making her feel like this.

and soft grass in the moonlight♡—————————♡penned by WriteAboutRadish
​

 

[Hazewish]

TRAVELER, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED (AND NOW YOU MUST GO) ⋆⁺₊⋆

Usually, Catfish’s voice is like a sunshower — warm rain over Haze’s back, a comforting and regular rhythm of words. But right now it’s a deluge; a rock fall; sharp shard of stone and hail digging into their heart. If there’s any warmth, it’s because they’ve drawn blood. Their fur puffs as if they’re facing another predator, another badger, rather than a soft apprentice.

It hurts because it’s true, is the thing. Catfish did get hurt because of them; it could have been much worse, but now she has to deal with the consequences. With Haze’s consequences. But Haze pins her ears back and tries to deafen herself to the veracity of her words. She doesn’t want to hear about how she didn’t visit: she knows, she remembers, she’s sorry, she got scared and then discouraged and then distracted, afterward, when she had already visited Catfish once, because there had been training and the colony cats that were so interesting. Because she hadn’t really been thinking about Catfishpaw — only that she missed her, which isn’t really the same. It’s easier to forget, to be distracted from the absence.

And now Catfish is crying.

It feels awful. They balk against the aching in their chest, frowning against sympathetic tears, backing away from Catfish. Her final mean words twist that discomfort, turning it into bitterness: they’re not stupid. It’s not idiocy that got Catfish hurt, it’s bad luck, and besides she knew about the risks, Cicadastar keeps talking about them, she didn’t mind before. Besides, they both made it out alive, right?

Even to them the argument feels weak.

Perhaps if they were less hurt they would say the right thing: that they’re sorry, they’re here now, they never meant to leave her alone and they would never want to, that they’ll help with her training if that’s what they need to do to spend time with her. But her words cut deeper than any lecture from her mentor, and she’s been spending so much time with Ravensong and other cats, and it feels — awfully, horrifically — like Catfish doesn’t like her, like she doesn’t want to be friends anymore, and Haze, like any wounded animal, reacts on instinct.

”You said it wasn’t my fault,” she accuses, more words than anyone has heard from her in moons that sound a thousand times more irrational and childish than her usual pared-down speech.

”Okay, well I—” A stumble, tongue running faster than their brain. ”Go without you. Have fun alone.”

[⋆]​

​

 

[Catfishleap]

'cause my girl's made of peaches♡—————————————————
Her ears thundered with the pounding of her heart. She was no longer a creature of reason, now she stood paws shaking and fur raising along her neck. Why was this happening? Why were either of them acting like this? It didn't matter. It only mattered that it had worked, finally her words cut through Hazepaw like a wire trap, slicing her friend open and leaving them hanging out in the open. She had vomited out all the anger and ugly that had been devouring her, and she almost couldn't stop now, it had felt like she was empty, that she had gotten rid of the anger. But, with every word Hazepaw spat out it only stocked the silver molly back up with vitriol.

As Catfishpaw listened with flattened ears it was clear she was winning this confrontation, Hazepaw squirmed like a wounded mouse, trying to talk their way out of the accusation. It wouldn't work, even trying to use more words than normal wouldn't help her case. Instead of saying anything right away though Catfish waited. Her green eyes glaring into the amber ones that looked back at her. The tears that now stained her cheek were no longer flowing but still they burned her eyes, threatening to fall, but not daring to. "You may believe every word I say, but do you really believe that? I lie Hazepaw." Her face wrinkled as she spat the words, no longer did they sound angry but instead disappointed and aggravated.

She took a step towards her other half, leaving only a hare's length between the two, now the tears dared to fall. She wanted to be this close, she wanted her friend to reach out and touch her nose, she wanted to go to bed that night with Hazepaw in the nest next to her, her whole body seemed to ache at the thought of her solitude. But, she wasn't letting this go, she was already to far in, "Go ahead." she bluntly whispers "What would be the difference, Haze? Oh no, will you not be there for me again? Go ahead and runaway, you're better at it than I am anyway." tightening that wire, strung up like Smokethroat was, she wanted her friend to thrash, to twist and struggle to try and collect their thoughts like it was a breath. It was ugly, it was petty, Hazepaw's crimes were no where near the punishment. But, why did Catfish have to feel all this? Why was Hazepaw able to get away with all of this? It wasn't fair, so she was making it fair.... even if everything in her bones hurt doing it.
and soft grass in the moonlight♡—————————♡penned by WriteAboutRadish
​

 

[Hazewish]

TRAVELER, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED (AND NOW YOU MUST GO) ⋆⁺₊⋆

Maybe it would please Catfish to see them struggle, choke on their words — but a hiccup of pride slams Hazepaw’s mouth shut once more, any attempt at verbosity trapped behind clenched teeth. Catfish’s words feel like claws raking across their heart. They want to— they don’t know what they want. Bite her, yell at her, say nothing, press their entire face in the fluff at her neck and pretend none of this is happening. Try to wait it out, like her anger is a thunderstorm they’ve been caught in rather than something ugly and true wrapping its coils around the both of them. The confusion, wanting and not knowing what to want, reaching for her and cringing away, is half of the pain. The rest is betrayal, sending them stumbling back like a physical blow.

They hate seeing her cry but right now it feels good, feels right, because they feel like crying and they don’t see why they should be the only one. They don’t see anything, actually, their sight blurred by tears they refuse to let fall.

Oh no, will you not be there for me again? Go ahead and runaway, you're better at it than I am anyway.

There’s nothing to say. There’s a thousand things she could say. She could yell; cry for real; apologize, no, beg for forgiveness; all of the above. But there isn’t an option that doesn’t hurt among the lot, and in the end…

One more time, Hazepaw cares for herself more than she does their friendship. With one last resentful glare and not a single word, she runs.

[⋆]​

​