- Jun 10, 2023
- 190
- 48
- 28
The scent of herbs once foul has become comforting. He had been here before. When Yellowcough plagued the clans. The memory brings nothing of bitterness. Thinking of a young warrior alone and afraid of what will happen to him. There was no cure after all. At the time anyway. He was given two choices, either overcome it or join the stars. It was grueling. Even more so watching Cherryblossom ignore him in favor of his sister. He still can’t let go of that betrayal. Did she not see him? He wouldn’t have minded if she wanted to speak with Lupinepaw, but at the very least she could have spoken with Crowpaw too, right? As for his mother? Disgust and rage pierce his heart.
Everyone he loved abandoned him. The only cats who showed him kindness were Silversmoke and Fireflypaw. Oh, Fireflypaw. The medicine cat apprentice never looked down on him, always willing to listen. Always so kind. Very few might know this, but his step brother had quite a sharp tongue. There were times when the medicine cat apprentice reprimanded him, but he always knew that the older tom was not doing so to make him feel insignificant. No, he was reprimanded because he was not listening. Refusing to see beyond what was in front of him, failing to understand that not everyone could handle the truth. And sometimes truth isn't what others needed, what they needed was forms of kind lies. In short, he was a rogue boat who could only bow to his helmsman none other than Fireflypaw.
Now, as he lay in his nest, watching the rising and falling of his brother’s flank… His thoughts drift to Skyclaw.
"Blazestar was never my father. He is as he has always been to me - dead. Sharing his blood means nothing to me."
At that time he felt a kinship with the enemy. Nevermind that their families were now linked and technically speaking Skyclaw was his step brother, but it was as if Skyclaw’s suffering was his own. Their feelings linked only for a split moment, before duty forced them to draw blood. Now that safe and sound, all he’s been doing is reflecting on their interaction. And perhaps it is wrong of him, but he feels no need to defend his step father’s honor. In fact, Blazestar deserves it. To be cursed from his kin and hated to the extent in which his own kin wish to rid themselves of his blood. You were so selfish. Not thinking or asking others how they felt. He is still bitter that the golden leader didn’t ask him how he felt about asking his mother to be mates. It’s not like he would’ve hissed and said no, but would it have killed Blazestar to just ask? To give him a choice? Regardless he would’ve been less than thrilled, but he was even more so frustrated because it seemed he was obligated to be happy about the matter. Sure, Blazestar might not have cared for his feelings seeing as they were not kin, but what about Fireflypaw? His own son? Did he know how his brother felt? Bother to ask? Understand the confusion and frustration he caused? He can’t forgive Blazestar for that.
Blazestar was messy. The respect he had for the tom has dwindled to say the least. Love was not a crime, but what he wouldn’t give to give his step father a good slap across the face for the problems he caused and then give him a stern talking to about his decision making. Because it just occurred to him… Did he even consider what would happen if his kits in Thunderclan learned he had more in Skyclan with my mother? How would they all feel about it? If let’s say Hollykit wanted to meet her big brothers and sisters in Thunderclan. A black paw rubs against his temple to soothe his nerves. It’s not doing much, but it’s something.
Looks like we both have… Questionable toms as fathers.
Then he thinks of those three. Hollykit, Candorkit, and Lionkit. Everyone could and perhaps have already assumed he hated them from his avoidance. The truth is this: He doesn’t hate his younger siblings. Does he love them? No. Time has passed since they were born, when he first saw their wiggling bodies crying out, but nothing has changed since then. He feels no warmth when hearing their names, seeing them around camp, or thinking of them. There is no connection. No pull towards them. An urge to gravitate towards them is not present, unlike Lupinesong or Drowsynose. He has watched his littermates interact with their younger siblings from a distance. How both greet them with smiles, how Lupinesong even bathes Hollykit from time to time, and how Drowsynose listens and converses with his younger brothers. It is as natural as breathing to them, but when Hollykit wants to converse with him it’s as if he’s drowning.
All three of them submerge him into an abyss. Of hatred towards Blazestar for dying and leaving his mother to raise kits all alone again, of jealousy towards his younger siblings for being fawned over by everyone (never feeling alone), of pride that yowls not to get close to those who have hurt him. Because that is in essence what it is. All of this is. Bobbie and Lupinesong aren’t his family anymore. They gave up on him long ago. Made him feel all alone even when surrounded by them. And when he tried to change himself, it was wrong. Did Lupinesong know the whole reason why he devoted himself to fighting was so he could be strong enough to protect them all? But… None of them saw him. His mother ran off with Blazestar. Lupinesong only enforced his notions of being broken by saying even his form of love was wrong. The kits… Hollykit, Candorkit, and Lionkit weren’t loved because they came from cats who weren’t family. Cats who hurt him for so long.
Once again, Skyclaw invades his thoughts. He had told the Thunderclanner, his brother, of their younger siblings. It was unwise to do so, he knows this. Especially given Skyclaw’s wrath towards Blazestar’s kin. However, he understands. Understands what being lied to for your whole life is like. Understands knowing something is strange and wanting the answers, answers that cats who are supposed to be your family, the ones you trust most refuse to tell you. To this day he hates the lack of information his mother has divulged about their father. For these reasons he told Skyclaw. He has a right to know. After all, they are his, no they are Blazestar’s kin as well. The news may burn now, but he’s certain if the Thunderclanner learned about the three when they became warriors and how they were linked, oh, how Skyclaw’s wrath could set the entire forest aflame. Consequences would arise, but he would never regret. All lying has ever done is hurt this family, even if it was done out of kindness. How much worse could the truth be? Where will it lead us?
Truth is ugly and fickle. Yet Crowsight still searches for the truth hidden in lies. While truth brings tears and woe, for him it brings relief and happiness. "Pathetic, just like your leader. The one before, that is." It’s an insult from his brother, but he latches onto this venom laced statement. From what he’s garnered from his brother who dwells in the oak forest, he says things with purpose. They are similar in that regard. Blunt and with meaning. And thus, he burns the words into memory along with the following, "Just feel lucky. I'm letting you off better than I did him..." These words don’t come off as a taunt. Did you meet with Blazestar? You would have had to in order to do anything with him… The question is how? He has so many questions and so few answers. Then again, it’s not like he knew the inner workings of Blazestar. Their former leader kept Skyclaw a secret and it was exposed when Skyclaw himself announced it on a patrol he was on. The very same patrol in which he insulted Fireflypaw. Blazestar was elusive. The only ones who would know more would be his own kin. Fireflypaw would be able to tell me more, but I’d have to ask Howlfire too. This is about their father, and who knows? Maybe I’m overthinking it.
Ears flick at the sound of shuffling, his head turns to a slumbering Fireflypaw. Yeah… I’ll start asking Howlfire. Before I start raising alarms. Fireflypaw, I won’t let you down. And I’m sorry for making you so worried.
Everyone he loved abandoned him. The only cats who showed him kindness were Silversmoke and Fireflypaw. Oh, Fireflypaw. The medicine cat apprentice never looked down on him, always willing to listen. Always so kind. Very few might know this, but his step brother had quite a sharp tongue. There were times when the medicine cat apprentice reprimanded him, but he always knew that the older tom was not doing so to make him feel insignificant. No, he was reprimanded because he was not listening. Refusing to see beyond what was in front of him, failing to understand that not everyone could handle the truth. And sometimes truth isn't what others needed, what they needed was forms of kind lies. In short, he was a rogue boat who could only bow to his helmsman none other than Fireflypaw.
Now, as he lay in his nest, watching the rising and falling of his brother’s flank… His thoughts drift to Skyclaw.
"Blazestar was never my father. He is as he has always been to me - dead. Sharing his blood means nothing to me."
At that time he felt a kinship with the enemy. Nevermind that their families were now linked and technically speaking Skyclaw was his step brother, but it was as if Skyclaw’s suffering was his own. Their feelings linked only for a split moment, before duty forced them to draw blood. Now that safe and sound, all he’s been doing is reflecting on their interaction. And perhaps it is wrong of him, but he feels no need to defend his step father’s honor. In fact, Blazestar deserves it. To be cursed from his kin and hated to the extent in which his own kin wish to rid themselves of his blood. You were so selfish. Not thinking or asking others how they felt. He is still bitter that the golden leader didn’t ask him how he felt about asking his mother to be mates. It’s not like he would’ve hissed and said no, but would it have killed Blazestar to just ask? To give him a choice? Regardless he would’ve been less than thrilled, but he was even more so frustrated because it seemed he was obligated to be happy about the matter. Sure, Blazestar might not have cared for his feelings seeing as they were not kin, but what about Fireflypaw? His own son? Did he know how his brother felt? Bother to ask? Understand the confusion and frustration he caused? He can’t forgive Blazestar for that.
Blazestar was messy. The respect he had for the tom has dwindled to say the least. Love was not a crime, but what he wouldn’t give to give his step father a good slap across the face for the problems he caused and then give him a stern talking to about his decision making. Because it just occurred to him… Did he even consider what would happen if his kits in Thunderclan learned he had more in Skyclan with my mother? How would they all feel about it? If let’s say Hollykit wanted to meet her big brothers and sisters in Thunderclan. A black paw rubs against his temple to soothe his nerves. It’s not doing much, but it’s something.
Looks like we both have… Questionable toms as fathers.
Then he thinks of those three. Hollykit, Candorkit, and Lionkit. Everyone could and perhaps have already assumed he hated them from his avoidance. The truth is this: He doesn’t hate his younger siblings. Does he love them? No. Time has passed since they were born, when he first saw their wiggling bodies crying out, but nothing has changed since then. He feels no warmth when hearing their names, seeing them around camp, or thinking of them. There is no connection. No pull towards them. An urge to gravitate towards them is not present, unlike Lupinesong or Drowsynose. He has watched his littermates interact with their younger siblings from a distance. How both greet them with smiles, how Lupinesong even bathes Hollykit from time to time, and how Drowsynose listens and converses with his younger brothers. It is as natural as breathing to them, but when Hollykit wants to converse with him it’s as if he’s drowning.
All three of them submerge him into an abyss. Of hatred towards Blazestar for dying and leaving his mother to raise kits all alone again, of jealousy towards his younger siblings for being fawned over by everyone (never feeling alone), of pride that yowls not to get close to those who have hurt him. Because that is in essence what it is. All of this is. Bobbie and Lupinesong aren’t his family anymore. They gave up on him long ago. Made him feel all alone even when surrounded by them. And when he tried to change himself, it was wrong. Did Lupinesong know the whole reason why he devoted himself to fighting was so he could be strong enough to protect them all? But… None of them saw him. His mother ran off with Blazestar. Lupinesong only enforced his notions of being broken by saying even his form of love was wrong. The kits… Hollykit, Candorkit, and Lionkit weren’t loved because they came from cats who weren’t family. Cats who hurt him for so long.
Once again, Skyclaw invades his thoughts. He had told the Thunderclanner, his brother, of their younger siblings. It was unwise to do so, he knows this. Especially given Skyclaw’s wrath towards Blazestar’s kin. However, he understands. Understands what being lied to for your whole life is like. Understands knowing something is strange and wanting the answers, answers that cats who are supposed to be your family, the ones you trust most refuse to tell you. To this day he hates the lack of information his mother has divulged about their father. For these reasons he told Skyclaw. He has a right to know. After all, they are his, no they are Blazestar’s kin as well. The news may burn now, but he’s certain if the Thunderclanner learned about the three when they became warriors and how they were linked, oh, how Skyclaw’s wrath could set the entire forest aflame. Consequences would arise, but he would never regret. All lying has ever done is hurt this family, even if it was done out of kindness. How much worse could the truth be? Where will it lead us?
Truth is ugly and fickle. Yet Crowsight still searches for the truth hidden in lies. While truth brings tears and woe, for him it brings relief and happiness. "Pathetic, just like your leader. The one before, that is." It’s an insult from his brother, but he latches onto this venom laced statement. From what he’s garnered from his brother who dwells in the oak forest, he says things with purpose. They are similar in that regard. Blunt and with meaning. And thus, he burns the words into memory along with the following, "Just feel lucky. I'm letting you off better than I did him..." These words don’t come off as a taunt. Did you meet with Blazestar? You would have had to in order to do anything with him… The question is how? He has so many questions and so few answers. Then again, it’s not like he knew the inner workings of Blazestar. Their former leader kept Skyclaw a secret and it was exposed when Skyclaw himself announced it on a patrol he was on. The very same patrol in which he insulted Fireflypaw. Blazestar was elusive. The only ones who would know more would be his own kin. Fireflypaw would be able to tell me more, but I’d have to ask Howlfire too. This is about their father, and who knows? Maybe I’m overthinking it.
Ears flick at the sound of shuffling, his head turns to a slumbering Fireflypaw. Yeah… I’ll start asking Howlfire. Before I start raising alarms. Fireflypaw, I won’t let you down. And I’m sorry for making you so worried.