sensitive topics Head over heels, Setting the pace | hazecatfish

[Catfishleap]

✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ you are the dancing queen ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧

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There was a point where Catfish was generally alone. Not physically but she often she was reminded that no one really knew her thoughts. Sometimes the even scarier realization was that she may also be obtuse to them, so instead of facing that truth she started to ignore it. Who needed deeper thoughts anyway? You can live in blissful ignorance, it was easy. Until the house of cards blows over... then you are left floundering. Floundering was also something that seemed hard to recover from when you didn't have yourself or anyone else.

There had been some creeping realization inside of the molly recently. These seeds that now want to grow through and out of her. That was scary because she didn't know what to do about it. What she did know however was that the river was much prettier at night when stars reflected off its surface. So after little convincing Hazepaw and her sat out looking across the water. It was nice having Hazepaw around, they were pretty cool. It probably made little sense to the rest of the clan that they had seemingly been joined at the hip for however long now. But, what Catfishpaw had found is the quietness of Hazepaw never felt lonely like the loudness of others sometimes did.

There had been a moment of silence, but Catfish was an expert at filling those up "Do you ever feel like everything is just like a little off?" she always left a tiny pause before talking again, on the off chance Haze wanted to say something before she finished her rambling "Like, I feel like my brain specifically is trying to reprogram itself. " she flopped down onto the beach and put a paw to her head as if that may either stop the confusion or bring understanding to it.​

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✧ ✧ ✧ young and sweet ✧ ✧ ✧
✧ "speech" ✧

 

[Hazewish]

TRAVELER, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED (AND NOW YOU MUST GO) ⋆⁺₊⋆

Some may believe Catfishpaw to be superficial, perhaps even vapid, but Hazepaw knows better. There’s a lot going on inside that pretty head of hers, they know it — sometimes even too much for Catfish herself to deal with it all. There are depths to her that no one has seen yet, that perhaps no one will ever see. At the heart of it, maybe that’s why they’re such good friends: Hazepaw can never resist a good mystery. And maybe Catfish recognizes a bit of herself in them too. Perhaps she sees some of her inner life reflected back. After all, there are unexplored depths to Hazepaw, too: for every new side of their friend they see, they reveal a new side of their own for her to look at.

It’s… nice. Hazepaw isn’t lacking in loving relatives, people who care for her, but Catfishpaw gets her. And she doesn’t even have to talk. So in return, she tries to do the same for the charming molly.

The night is warm, with the stars glittering above and below on the water’s surface. Nocturnal insects chirp in the distance, harmonizing with frogs hidden in the weeds. It’s just the two of them right now and it feels so pleasant to be out it doesn’t feel like breaking the rules at all. Hazepaw is lying on their side, tail swishing slightly and both their back paws tucked against Catfish’s flank. Something has been on their friend’s mind lately, so they’re waiting for her to speak up. She always does, eventually, and Hazepaw always listens.

Do you ever feel like everything is just like a little off? She pauses for a beat, as usual, but Hazepaw flicks an ear and lets her continue uninterrupted. Like, I feel like my brain specifically is trying to reprogram itself. She flops down. Hazepaw takes their paws out of the way, then presses them back against her flank once she’s settled again.

”Yes,” they reply, because they do feel like this at times. Their restlessness when everything in their life — their family, their clan, even their mentor — is so nice feels out of place, like ungratefulness, but their mind struggles like a field mouse caught between their claws: trapped and reaching for freedom. In such a loyal, isolationist clan, their drive to explore and disregard for rules leave them… out of place. Like they’re not quite right.

She ponders the question for a moment longer, thinking back on the past few days. She’s not quite sure what Catfish means, yet, but she knows it’s something different from Hazepaw’s feeling, though not radically saw.

Sitting up slightly, Haze reaches out and touches a paw to Catfish’s head, right between the ears and near Catfish’s own despondent paw.

”What?” She asks, wanting her friend to elaborate.

[⋆]​

​

 

[Catfishleap]

✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ you are the dancing queen ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧

---

Stars reflect and dance in the emerald eyes, that was another thing she had yet to fully think about, Starclan. But, tonight wasn't for that. Instead this sky was for figuring out why she was feeling so broken. The affirmation that Hazepaw also felt that strange outgrowing of yourself was comforting, "Good." she said softly. Of course she wasn't glad about her friend having similar thoughts to her own, because, well they sucked. But, it was still nice to know she wasn't being bird-brained. When her mind felt like it could drag her away it was also nice having the other cat ground her physically in the moment. The paw that was then pressed against her head next to her own gave her a second to pause,

In that second she exhaled a breath and removed her own paw from the scrambling brain, then started to actually consider what it was that had her racing. "That's the thing, I am not sure," her brows meet as she tries to think of a way to phrase her thoughts, a task she didn't think would be so hard "I feel like I am supposed to be a certain way..." the story of her parents youth smacked into her like a monster. They were maybe her age or a little older when they found each other. They have told their story multiple times, it always ends with being well respected and with their first litter. That is where their story "ends", Catfishkit was the sequel no-one was all that excited for. "I have like since I was born trying to be perfect. Trying to be the perfect daughter.".

It may be hard to believe but no one has given rules on what being the "perfect" daughter is, so it was left up to Catfish to figure that out. She had the habit of making lists on what can be done, and this was the first list. Her first objective was to become a highly skilled and valued cat, she was to be needed. The second was to not bother her parents, no crying, no problems, nothing but a quiet and happy cat. There were more steps, but they were smaller, the last rule she ever thought of though was anything but small. Become mates with an upstanding tom that her dad would be happy with, and then have a healthy litter of kits. Just like her parents... she desired to emulate what they did because that brought them pride and joy.

All of these steps had been acted on to some extent or another. All expect the last, she has been a late bloomer her parents say, because although they don't like to pay attention to her victories the shortcomings are commented on. There hasn't been a tom that she had taken a fancy to, and not for lack of trying either "And I've liked tried to be that way and it hasn't been working. Which is frustrating." so she wrote it off as simply being too consumed with her apprenticeship, like who has time for staring at boys when you could be working?

"I think there is something wrong with me... or maybe I am not trying hard enough." she thought for a second and then continued "I don't think I'm supposed to be some way, I know I am supposed to be a certain way. There is no question about it... but now... now there feels like there is a question about it." she finishes the thought and then groans, her mind racing back to being flustered at Iciclefang... there was something wrong there, she couldn't place her mind on it though. "I'm changing and I don't know why or how to stop it." She knew her words were vague, but she couldn't bring herself to actually voice the thought that was slowly weaving itself into her.

She finally drew her eyes from the stars, instead resting them on Hazepaw, wishing that her friend would suddenly speak a meeting's worth of words to her, all filled with answers and wisdom. It was a silly hope, she knew it wasn't going to happen, so instead she waited patiently for the short word, it would probably still contain an answer and wisdom.​

---

✧ ✧ ✧ young and sweet ✧ ✧ ✧
✧ "speech" ✧

 

[Hazewish]

TRAVELER, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED (AND NOW YOU MUST GO) ⋆⁺₊⋆

Hazepaw tries not to make faces while Catfish goes on about her inner turmoil. This is important. It means a lot to her. Even if Hazepaw thinks it's silly and pointless to strive for the ideal her absentee parents have set, it's not their place to make light of it. It will work or it won't; either way, it's up to Catfish whether or not to keep going along with it.

They watch their friend intently as she explains, in vague words that nonetheless communicate the full strength of her turmoil, the feelings weighing on her mind. Hazepaw considers – with the intense wistfulness of plans never to come to fruition – picking a fight with her parents for placing all these expectations on the back of their daughter and never being satisfied with the returns. They have no idea how good they have it. Don't they see the way she exhausts herself trying to meet their standards? She'd throw herself down the gorge to please them. It's infuriating. If it were up to Hazepaw, they wouldn't open their mouth ever again except to sing Catfish's praises. People who don't appreciate their friend don't get to have speaking privileges.

When Catfish says, I'm changing and I don't know why or how to stop it, Hazepaw surprises herself with the instantaneous response that falls out of her mouth: ”Good.”

Her friend turned to look at her, hopeful and patient and perturbed by her internal conflict, and it's not the reassurance she seeks or the wisdom she needs but Haze will stand by her words as she levels her friend with a serious look. She wishes she could say more – tell her to hell with your parents. She can't, though, or won't; this is Catfishpaw's call to make, not hers. She baps Catfish's head slightly instead, ruffling the soft fur between her ears before tucking her paw under herself.

”Always perfect,” they grouse gently. It's a reassurance, because Haze doesn't think she could ever be anything less than perfect even if she tried, but their tone walks the line between admirative and critical. It's taking so much out of her – when is she going to give up the ghost and do what she wants, instead? Or even admit that she wants something else?

Without looking away, they ask in a softer, questioning voice:

”Change...?"

If Catfish wishes to say more, to say it outright, they'll listen – but they won't prod further.

[⋆]​

​

 

[Catfishleap]

✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ you are the dancing queen ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧

---

She bit her lip as Hazepaw exclaimed that her changing was a positive, her heart felt like it wanted to crack open, Hazepaw was right. Catfishpaw knew it deep down, the notion that she was working herself for empty praise was deep inside her bones. But, that was just the thing, she was built on this. She had been sustained with a drip of praise, and she had strived for a stream of it since she was little, so why cut off the drip? Catfish can feel a slight burn of tears at the edges of her eyes, but she is probably just tired, she's overthinking this. Living like this was fine, it has become correct to not think about herself first. Why can't she believe Hazepaw, she want to believe that it's good. She really does want to believe it.

The paw that ruffles her head is savored, slowly she blinks as Hazepaw tells her that she is perfect, always perfect in fact. It makes her crack a grin, "Careful... you may inflate my ego too much," she laughed softly "And like look who's talking." she pushes a teasing paw against their shoulder. The two of them seemed perfect for what they wanted, maybe it wasn't what Riverclan or their parents wanted, but they were pretty good at sneaking out. And above all else, they seemed to be rather perfect company to one another.

Then a softer word of prompting is given, "Yeah... change." she appreciated that her friend was still willing to listen to what felt like her silly little turmoil. Now was the challenge of putting words to these feelings, "Well..." she paused. For once in her life she couldn't even begin to try to weave a articulate sentence. "You know... well, I mean you don't that's why you asked." if she could telepathically speak to them she would, but she couldn't, so she had to figure out something to give her friend. "I have always wanted to replicate my parents life, yeah? Well, I have been like struggling with one area in that. For the life of me, I have not been able to find any boy that seemed in the slightest way appealing, I mean in any other way than friendship." the stinging in her eyes wouldn't relent as she tried to explain her perceived failure, but a tear didn't dare to fall "Or at least I don't think the way I feel about like Fernpaw or Ravenpaw is in anyway romantic, it kind of feels weird to think of them in that way even. Which this hasn't really ever changed... but," was she really ready to make this real? To make this something that didn't just exist in her head "I think I don't like toms..." she bit her lip again before finally spitting out the last of her realization "girls..." she felt silly, it wasn't that big of a deal "And of course this isn't an issue with any other cat, it's just... I am supposed to live up to what my parents did, and a she-cat just isn't part of that..." she said the last part with a acceptance. Like she knew this was a sacrifice she was going to have to make... for no real reason.

She was almost ashamed as she admitted all this to Hazepaw, so she turned away, not wanting to see the disappointment that she knew would be in her friend's eyes. She knew the disappointment wouldn't be from her liking she-cats or anything like that, she knew it would be from the fact that it seemed like she was just trying to make herself miserable. "It's dumb, I know that... I don't know why I am doing this." she sighed into the darkness, feeling a small breeze pick up and chill her bones. ​

---

✧ ✧ ✧ young and sweet ✧ ✧ ✧
✧ "speech" ✧

 

[Hazewish]

TRAVELER, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED (AND NOW YOU MUST GO) ⋆⁺₊⋆

Patiently, attentively, Hazepaw listens as Catfishpaw stumbles through her explanation. They watch her face becoming tight, her eyes suspiciously shiny, but don’t move to comfort her — yet. They don’t want to cut her off accidentally: she deserves their full and undivided attention for as long as it takes to voice all of her thoughts.

She speaks of replicating her parents’ success; of boys and relationships. Finally she utters the dreaded word ladden with feelings: girls… Hazepaw’s intensely focused face breaks out in a smile, both relief and pride that she'd trust them with this knowledge. The smile falls a little when their friend turns away. They come closer in response, pushing against Catfish and purring in comfort and congratulation as they agree: ”Girls!”

And boys, and everything in between — they have never questioned their taste in love the way their friend does. They never had to: their mothers love each other wholeheartedly and never gave their children any reason to doubt that this unconditional love extended to them as well. Besides, Hazepaw has never cared for perfection. But Catfish does, and somehow she was taught that she has to pick between being perfect and being herself — and that won’t stand. They weren’t exaggerating when they said she was always perfect: she has so much potential, so much drive, there’s nothing she couldn’t achieve. With or without a tom.

It's dumb, I know that... I don't know why I am doing this.

This will not stand. Catfishpaw’s parents can bring her down all they want and there’s nothing Hazepaw can do about it, but she will not stand for anyone badmouthing her best friend in her presence. Not even from the best friend herself.

Letting out a small war cry, she throws themself across Catfishpaw’s back, hissing: ”Never!” as she attempts to push her paws over her mouth. Cats who talk nonsense don’t get to have speaking privileges. Staring down Catfish is awkward in this position, forcing her to twist her neck around a bit, but she gives it a valiant effort. Nothing dumb would leave the pretty molly in such a state. Clearly, this is a big deal. ”Important. Never dumb.”

Flopping down on their friend’s back, they sigh. It’s becoming increasingly clear that, no matter how much Catfish strives to be just like her parents, it’s… unlikely to happen. Worse: if it does, it’ll most likely leave her very unhappy. In her place, Hazepaw would shrug and assume it was not meant to be; but she cares, and it’s hurting her. ”Scary,” they concede. The wind picks up and they tuck their chin into the long fur around Catfish’s neck, basking in the comforting warmth. ”Different…”

Glancing at the starlight reflected on the dark river, they try to find the right words. As many as it’ll take.

”Maybe not perfect like them, but… perfect like you. Maybe better.” Giving in to their first impulse, they shrug lightly, careful not to jostle her too much. Catfish's parents' lead doesn't seem very much worth following, in their humble opinion. Maybe she should talk to their mothers instead: they're very accomplished — one of them is even a lead! they'd like to see her parents do that! — and they certainly have no hang-ups about girls liking girls. ”No rush.”

[⋆]​

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