private heat waves been fakin' me out // gravel

Periwinklebreeze. · May 1, 2023

It's been two days. Two days since he'd - since he'd done that, since he'd become what he hates most. Since he'd killed it, that fox cub. He hasn't left the medicine den, for once grateful for his sickness, grateful that the entire clan views him as sickly and that the lie that he was sleeping is so believable. He's not usually one to slack off after all, to the point where he's fainted from overwork and exhaustion - and he just... he can't right now. He can barely find the willpower to open his eyes, let alone get up and train with bluepool as though nothing happened. He knows he'll only hear the opposite of what he wants - perhaps even get congratulations or praise. But he doesn't want to hear it - any of it.

Dragging himself out of his nest on aching legs - still chaffed and sore and scabbed over from his relentless pursuit of cleaning them - he takes one wobbly step at a time. He's slept very little despite his excuses, what rest he's gotten interrupted by haunting nightmares and reflections of his actions. It is only the aching hunger growing within his belly that draws him from his hiding place - he does not want to be an inconvenience to vulturemask, so he will fetch his food himself. As he slips of the den he catches his reflection in a nearby puddle, he can't help but stare. He doesn't even recognize himself anymore. Flashes of red and claws and fangs flash before his vision and he slams his foot into the water before they can get worse, his chest beginning to heave as he pants.

Pace quickens as he heads straight for the pile, stacked fairly high with the recent influx of rabbits that newleaf has blessed them with. But when he gets there, jaws wrapping around the scruff of one of the smaller rabbits, suddenly all he can smell is death, all he can see is blood, and the thought of eating something - anything - is utterly repulsive. He drops it as though he has been bitten, scrambling backwards frantically as dizzying nausea crashes down upon him like a tidal wave. He - he needs to get away from here. He's no longer hungry.

He turns away, gaze lowered to the ground, and flees, soft paws nearly breaking into a run if not for the fact he's suddenly not alone, finding himself face to face with an all to familiar black and white tom.

// @GRAVELSNAP

GRAVELSNAP · May 2, 2023

The clan has seen no shortage of tragedies as of late, but at least the prey is plentiful. They had dreaded the warmth and the rain that they’d been told springtime would bring, but as the season progresses Gravelsnap can say with certainty that spring is their favorite season—apart from the mud, of course. An abundance of rabbits darting across the moorland means that the clan is eating well, and a well-fed clan is a powerful clan.

The true downside is that they’ve found themself busy with hunting, catching as much of the plentiful prey as possible. It leaves them little time to spend with their friends, but it’s a fair trade off for knowing that they are providing for their friends and their clan as a whole. As it is, the rabbit they’d last caught is somewhere in the prey pile, and as their gaze settles on Periwinklepaw they can’t help but to hope that their friend chooses the rabbit they had caught. They can’t tell whether the one he grabs is actually one that they’d caught themself—and Periwinklepaw drops the rabbit, anyway, just as soon as they’d picked it up, paws skittering clumsily as they back away.

The black-patched warrior is immediately worried, trotting over intending to check on Periwinklepaw. Their paws feel frozen in place, though, when they find themself looking into clear blue eyes. They’d had a plan, but whatever they were supposed to say doesn’t seem to matter that much in the moment. "Peri," they say, attempting to force down the rumbling noise that starts in their chest.

Are you okay, they very nearly ask. The words are at the tip of their tongue, to be punched out in a voice thick with concern. But they stop themself, clamp their jaw shut. It’s obvious that their friend is not okay, and they feel a familiar tightness in their chest, lungs squeezing with concern. "What’s wrong?" They step closer, craning their neck to try and get a better look at the apprentice. "Are you hurt?"

[ DEATH OF A DREAM ]

Periwinklebreeze. · May 5, 2023

Periwinklepaw almost tells him everything - almost lets the words he's so desparately holding back come spilling out like a tidal wave, heavy and clumsy. But when he looks at hazel eyes, he can only remember what snailstride had said - that firefang had ran to sootstar with his secrets in order to get more respect, in order to climb the ranks. Would gravelsnap do the same? He wants to trust him but he can't - his heart wavers, and he finds himself biting his cheek as he forces the words down. No - better safe than sorry. He already knows much more than the others - knows of his fears, of the way his mind and body seem to panic when there's blood, of the memories he can't seem to escape. Friend or not, this not something he can trust to be shared - not with him, not with anyone.

"I-i-I'm f-fine," the words barely come out, and he wants to whine - his jaw feels tense and tight to the point where its painful, spasms shooting through the soft tissue and making his eyes water. "n-n-not hurt," he says again, forcing the words up past the lump in his throat. He feels like his body is wrong - like it has a mind of its own, that it won't listen to him. Legs feel weak and he wonders if he might topple right on over, but all he can do is grimace, a half-hearted attempt at smiling. "I j-j-j-just... n-not hungry a-anym-m-more," he says, though the excuse sounds lame to his own ears. He can't stop the quiet whine that works its way up his throat, and he flinches.

He's just... so tired of this. Of the guilt and fear that follow him, haunting him like a ghost. Why can't he just be normal? If he was like the others, it wouldn't have bothered him so much - perhaps, his life would be better. No more suspicion, no more struggles, no more tests. But he's not. And he doesn't want to be, as much as he keeps pushing himself he wants nothing more than to never fight again, never see another death, never take another life. But things will only get harder from here - he is running out of time. "... c-can we j-j-just... g-g-go sit down s-somewh-where," he says, figure haunching in on itself. He just wants to forget - wants to pretend everything is normal. That everything is fine.

That he's fine.

GRAVELSNAP · May 7, 2023

Every single signal that the other cat is giving off says that they are in distress. Their words come out sounding strained, as though they’re trying to eat and speak at the same time. But—Gravelsnap just watched them recoil from that rabbit like it was crowfood. And now they let out a wretched whine as they tell him lies, excuses about not being hungry. Their stutter seems worse, now, more pronounced than it normally is. They offer a poor excuse for a smile, too, and if Gravelsnap were a lesser warrior he would be offended by his friend’s blatant lies. As it is, though, one thing becomes very clear, very quickly.

Periwinklepaw is not okay.

But they say they’re fine, insist upon it, and Gravelsnap thinks that he shouldn’t press any further. What if he messes up? What if he pushes Peri too far and they snap, leap at him like they’d lunged at Firefang? He takes a cautious step closer, attempting to decipher the best course of action. He’s coming up empty. Thankfully, the apprentice asks if they can go sit down somewhere, and he nods without thinking.

He wants his friend to be happy. He wants his friend to be comfortable. He doesn’t want to see Peri like this ever again, but it seems that trouble never ends for the younger cat. He cannot imagine being cursed with the blood of a traitor. Of course, Periwinklepaw has brought much of it upon themself, but Gravelsnap has been able to look past their mistakes. He’s trying to be a better friend, if only so Peri will try to be a better WindClanner. (Still, he reminds himself, if Periwinklepaw betrays him, turns their back on WindClan—he can do what needs to be done.)

"Yeah," he concedes with a repeated nod, and is reminded of the forgotten hare. He wonders how long it’s been since Periwinklepaw has eaten anything. He wonders if he should push it; perhaps he’ll just try again later. Maybe tomorrow he can find something smaller, more palatable for the cat who shrinks away from blood. "Where do you want to go?" He glances around, looking for a secluded space that might suit Periwinklepaw’s needs better.

[ DEATH OF A DREAM ]

Periwinklebreeze. · May 10, 2023

Gravelsnap doesn't press - doesn't push. Relief is clear to read on his face, exhaustion and panic making it harder than usual to school his expressions. Smoke tinted tail flicks back and forth for a moment - a rapid, anxious movement that continues to betray his mental state. Where to go? Clear blue gaze scans the camp - paranoia warring with comfort. To many faces, to many eavesdroppers - but under bluepools stern mentorship he cannot roam wherever he wishes. He doesn't want to see her - doesn't want to ask.

"Um.... h-how about o-over the-re?" he says finally, after taking a deep heaving breath in an attempt to calm himself further. He points towards a secluded area closer to the elders den - away from the rest of the busy camp, quiet and calm and protected so that the cranky felines aren't disturbed. It is not the saftey of the medicine den - but there are always listening ears there, and he does not wish to place such a burden upon vulturemask either.

He know he is being foolish - know that the guilt and the fear that war within his fragile body are unnecessary, are not normal, but he does not understand how to stop it. He cannot simply brush past it - the visions won't leave his mind no matter how hard he tries. So all he can do is run from it like the coward he is, distract himself with happier things. "er- h-h-how have y-your warrior d-d-duties been g-g-g-going?" he questions softly, a bit strained but genuinely curious.

GRAVELSNAP · May 12, 2023

Periwinklepaw looks around in a gesture of obvious fear, of panic, and Gravelsnap is reminded of… themself. That night when Badgermoon had curled himself around their trembling, frightened form to calm them is still clearly etched into their memory. Would their friend benefit from such an action, as well? Should I…? They shift, lifting an alabaster paw as if to step closer, but stop themself halfway. No.

The warrior moves to settle in the space that Periwinklepaw suggests, a secluded area near the elders’ den—and, thankfully, not near the nursery. Their black-pointed friend asks them in stuttering words how their warrior duties are going. Truth be told, they’re doing well in their newfound position. They hate to admit, though, that they are having trouble settling in amongst the older warriors—Firefang and Icebreath are their friends, but they’ve never paid much attention to older warriors besides their mentor. "My warrior duties?" They shrug, dark tail flicking idly. "They’re okay. It’s kind of lonely without…" Gravelsnap bites back the end of the sentence, shaking their head. Not going there.

They clear their throat and plow on, words spilling from their mouth quickly. It’s a stark contrast to their usual speech, succinct and withdrawn, and they surprise even themself with how they wish to continue speaking. "It feels like I finally belong somewhere. A warrior of WindClan—that is who I am." Their position is relatively new, but it feels as though they’ve fallen into it without issue. "How about you? If it makes you upset, you don’t have to talk about it—but I’d like to hear how your apprenticeship has been going. Is Bluepool a good mentor?" They know that their friend has had multiple mentors now, and it cannot be easy adjusting to another new one.

[ DEATH OF A DREAM ]

Periwinklebreeze. · May 18, 2023

It's nice, he thinks, to be like this - away from the world, away from his problems. Just him and his friend - though sometimes he can't help but question if it's really true. Pushing away the thought, he listens attentively instead - focusing on others has always helped to settle and ease his mind. He doesn't expect gravelsnap to say they are lonely of all things - compared to periwinklepaw, he'd always thought the young warrior to be much more social, much more at tune with windclan. He can't help but worry that if gravelsnap is struggling then - well, what will life for him be like? He doesn't question it when he cuts himself off - doesn't ask, doesn't push. "I'm g-g-glad you're h-happy," he says softly, an genuine smile on his face for the first time all day.

Head drops back in thought when the question is turned to him instead, a variety of memories and thoughts and swirling churning emotions bubbling up to the surface with just those simple words. "She... she is," he says slowly, words drifting and trailing of as he gathers his thoughts. "..sh-she... underst-stands my l-limits, I think," and yet - is any of it genuine? Is he still just a chore, a task, thrust upon her by her sister? Another responsibility she'd be glad to shake her paws of someday? He... doesn't thinks so, not anymore. "...I k-killed a fox c-cub,"

Well. That certainly hadn't been what he wanted to say - he'd been trying to avoid it after all. But... "I d-d-don't think I c-could've... b-before, i mean," he mumbles. Vulturemask alone certainly never would've spurred his actions on like this - it had been wanting to prove himself to bluepool, to sootstar, and... well, to gravelsnap. He'd wanted to show that he was a windclanner. The guilt and the nightmares that had come with it were a lot less welcome but - he' seen it, the look in the npcs eyes. I had been... pride, he thinks. Such a strange emotion to be turned his way. He thinks he understands what snailstride had meant - it was a dangerous sort of feeling, that rush.

GRAVELSNAP · May 20, 2023

Periwinklepaw smiles at him, and it’s the most right thing that’s come of this conversation. In a moment of striking honesty, he levels the younger cat with a sympathetic, genuine smile in return. "I hope it’s the same for you." He doesn’t mention his most pressing question, the question of when Periwinklepaw will become a warrior. At this rate, they will be an apprentice until they’re old and gray-muzzled. Gravelsnap can understand any hesitation from Sootstar to make either child of Hyacinthbreath a warrior; both are undeniably tainted by their mother, and the most remarkable parts of Peri’s apprenticeship have been the worst ones. Befriending Azaleapaw and Dazzlepaw, antagonizing Firefang—none of it has been good.

But now, under Bluepool’s mentorship, maybe things can be different. Peri even says that the lead warrior doesn’t push him past his limits, and Gravelsnap is glad to hear that. If he has to see the pointed apprentice sprawled out on the ground again, not responding to anything—it’s been a while since the last time it happened, but he hopes it never happens again. "I’m glad that you have a good mentor, even if it took a few tries." He tries to keep his words lighthearted, flicking an ear, but his friend’s next words throw him for a loop.

His surprise is clear on his face, mouth hanging ajar with shock. Peri killed a fox cub? That’s news to Gravelsnap—but if it’s true, then shouldn’t the apprentice be happier? Shouldn’t they be proud? Why, instead, do they seem regretful? And secondly, why hasn’t Gravelsnap been told about it yet? "That’s good," he says, dark tail flicking. "That’s one less predator to threaten the clan." One less predator to haunt his nightmares, one less reason that he needs to be constantly looking over his shoulder. "Did it feel good," he asks, because he’s curious, because he can’t help but to push. What would it feel like, to take down such a creature? He can only imagine the rush of pride, the feeling of power.

[ DEATH OF A DREAM ]

Periwinklebreeze. · May 25, 2023

Gravelsnap seems genuinely pleased by how things are going, and it certainly boosts the boys morals. But then the enevitable response comes, and he has to pause, mind running a mile a minute. Had it... felt good? With the guilt and nightmares warring within his mind, it takes longer than he'd like to actually come to an answer - and it's one that were it anyone else, perhaps he'd hesitate to admit. "... it d-did," The feeling of his heart pounding, blood rushing - of being more powerful than something, than someone. He can still feel the struggle, till taste the hot rush of blood on his tongue. It had been heady and cloying, a dizzying sort of high, and it wasn't until he'd stared down at the finished results that he'd felt ill.

Is that how his clanmates felt every day? Peri is still so certain, so sure that he could never truly be like them - could never wage war. But... his squeamishness seems to lessen by the day. Perhaps it wouldn't be so hard, he thinks, if he frames it the way his friend says - one less predator to threaten the clan. One less danger - one less enemy.

Doesn't he have enough of those already?

GRAVELSNAP · May 28, 2023

At Periwinklepaw’s response, Gravelsnap leans closer, albeit hesitantly, and bumps his shoulder against the other cat’s. It’s awkward, an action he isn’t used to, and the contact makes something in his stomach churn. But the black-pointed apprentice is his friend, and he trusts them. Maybe he still holds a bit of suspicion toward them, just as he does toward Azaleapaw and Snailstride. But Peri is different, he tells himself—mostly to make himself feel better.

The younger cat admits that it felt good. Gravelsnap wishes that it were him who’d gotten the honor of slaying a fox before it could grow up into a threat. "Good," he says, voice steely. "You’re becoming a real WindClanner." It’s high praise, coming from Gravelsnap, and it’s the truth. His friend has made progress since the conversation in which Gravelsnap told them they didn’t belong in WindClan, and killing such a predator is undoubtedly the most impressive of their achievements.

[ you put the fun into dysfunction ]

Periwinklebreeze. · Jun 6, 2023

"Good- you’re becoming a real WindClanner." The words probably shouldn't make him feel so elated, but they do. He practically preens for a moment, eyes closing happily as they bump shoulders, the faintest hint of a purr slipping out. Is this not what he'd wanted? Is this not what he'd been working so hard and so long for. Now i only he can prove himself to the rest of the clan, all his worries would be over. But.. he thinks, even if nobody else believes it, the fact that he does might just be enough. Perhaps things won't be so impossible in windclan after all.

// && this is probably a good place to end <3

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private heat waves been fakin' me out // gravel

Periwinklebreeze.

— atoms and low self-esteem ❀

GRAVELSNAP

PARTING SHOT

Periwinklebreeze.

— atoms and low self-esteem ❀

GRAVELSNAP

PARTING SHOT

Periwinklebreeze.

— atoms and low self-esteem ❀

GRAVELSNAP

PARTING SHOT

Periwinklebreeze.

— atoms and low self-esteem ❀

GRAVELSNAP

PARTING SHOT

Periwinklebreeze.

— atoms and low self-esteem ❀

GRAVELSNAP

PARTING SHOT

Periwinklebreeze.

— atoms and low self-esteem ❀