hello? is this thing on? [silversmoke]

[Johnnyflame]

MY WORLDS ON FIRE, HOW 'BOUT YOURS?
THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT AND I NEVER GET BORED."​

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OOC- retro to silver disappearance!

”Oh, come now. You’ve been here long enough, surely you’ve got a few potential mates in mind?”

The bobtail let out a light chuckle at the elder shecats words, trying to hide the slight tinge of red that coloured his ears at such a straightforward comment. When he’d come in to drop prey off he hadn’t expected to be pulled into the conversation of who the next ‘lovebirds’ would be, but he supposed there wasn’t really any harm in saying anything so long as he kept it vague.

”Well, I suppose there is one cat I wouldn’t be opposed to asking.” he admitted, ”But I don’t think they’re interested in that kind of life- not with me, at least.”

The words were spoken with a mask of a smile in place, ignoring the fact that the words stung.

”Well, don’t be so sure, dear. You’ll never know for sure if you don’t say something, and you wouldn’t want to miss out on everything you might have had, would you?”

He considered it, worry his lower lip with a fang as he seriously considered the pros against he cons.

One on paw, he could confess his feelings to Silversmoke and be rejected. Best case scenario, Silver pretended it never happened and they continued as things were. Worst case scenario, the tom never spoke to him or breathed in his direction again, destroying everything they’d made over the last several moons.

On the other paw.. What is Silversmoke accepted him? What if Johnny was allowed to share his nest, and his love, and start a family and have all the things a mate could have with the cat they loved most?

Was the happiness of what he could have, worth the risk of losing what he already held?

”I’ll think about it. You just worry about enjoying your dinner.” he said, taking his leave from the group of gossiping elders with a small smile. He had a bit of time to kill before he had to head out for his final patrol of the day and he intended to spend it cooling off in the shade- which is exactly what he did, plopping down in the cool shadows of the pine in camp and letting out a wide yawn.

@SILVERSMOKE
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[SILVERSMOKE]

Well, I suppose there is one cat I wouldn’t be opposed to asking. But I don’t think they’re interested in that kind of life- not with me, at least.

There were some things the spotted tabby was not supposed to overhear - the gossiping of loud apprentices, the trials and tribulations of birth, and now, Johnnyflame's admittance to an elder. He had been reclined in isolation on the other side of the elder's den, side pressed against the ferns as if the green plants were a loved one when the news broke. Almost immediately, panic squeezed his heart to the point of pain as if it were pressed between a Twoleg's paws, his head practically lashing in the Lead Warrior's direction. Self-doubt had made it a possibility that his love for Johnnyflame was unrequited and unobtainable, after all, he had been cruel to the Daylight Warrior for a long time, long enough for that twinge of guilt to still remain restless in his belly whenever he tried to work up the courage to take things further.

I’ll think about it. You just worry about enjoying your dinner.

'No, you can't!' He could not claim ownership over a heart as free as Johnny's, nor did he want to, but regret scored a mark upon his brain that made him stand up all too quickly as the chimera left the elders to their meal. There was so much that needed to be said before Johnnyflame found comfort in another, too much. Limbs moved before his better instincts could catch up, moving in an unsteady gait towards the Daylight Warrior. His fur, the colour equivalent to morning mist, darkened in the shade, but it did not help the warmth of urgency and embarrassment that set his ears alight. He opened his muzzle to speak to Johnnyflame, to confess, when those same finger-like tendrils on his heart wrapped around his throat instead, choking the words before they even had a chance to emerge. Silversmoke couldn't do it. He'd never thought himself a coward, but love was too great of an opponent, and, instead, he sought another topic to take its place.

Namely, just who in SkyClan did Johnny fancy? Thistleback? Dogbite? Slate? He cleared his throat and narrowed his eyes, doing his best not to portray the horror he had set upon himself. "I overheard your talk with the elders," the tom admitted. "It is a SkyClanner, isn't it?" 'StarClan... what a mousebrained question.'

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[Johnnyflame]

MY WORLDS ON FIRE, HOW 'BOUT YOURS?
THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT AND I NEVER GET BORED."​

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”Stars on a stick, Silversmoke! Make some noise next time or I’m putting a bell on you!” he chided fondly, surprised by their sudden appearance as he stepped out of the elders' den. Moreso, he was alarmed because the very cat he’d been thinking about was now right beside him, and while Johnny had said nothing that would give himself away, his heart had still lurched in unfounded panic upon noticing him.

If the small smirk he was wearing was anything to go by however, he wasn’t all that upset to have been essentially jumpscared by his own - what? Friend? He supposed that was accurate. He had never confessed his feelings to Silversmoke and the spotted tom certainly had never confessed anything to him, but it felt strange to just call them ‘friend’ when his heart wanted more. Dishonest, almost, both to himself and his fellow lead.

Would Silver even be talking to him right now if he knew the truth? It was possible his feelings could be rejected to the point where Johnny himself became something to avoid, and while the bobtail didn’t fancy himself much of a coward, a large part of him was afraid to take his chances on this bet. It could cost him everything, and he wasn’t sure he could handle losing it all.

Odder still was the question posed to him, and the bobtail had a hard time understanding what it meant. He could discern the tension in the other tom though, recognizing that whatever was meant by it, wasn’t necessarily something good.

Silversmoke was bothered by what he'd said.

What context, though? Was it jealousy over a potential rival, or disgust at the idea of him choosing someone not from the pines? If Johnny told him it was a kittypet or loner from twolegplace, would it mean something different than if he said it was a Skyclanner? Part of him wanted to push it, to press on old bruises because it was more familiar than what the other half of him was contemplating doing, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Silversmoke had just heard him admit that he wanted to take someone as a mate, and the small rush that came from having his secret so close to the surface was thrilling. .

He rolled his eyes, making sure to keep his tone light when he spoke so that the other knew he wasn't offended. They were past the point of bristling over every little comment, right? ”Don’t worry. Even if it wasn’t, you know my kits would end up here anyways.” he assured them, just in case that was part of the toms worries- Skyclan missing out on apparentices. Parenthood was a whole other chapter of the book he wanted to open, one he'd considered but hadn't dared to invest any real expectations in less he find himself disappointed. Even mentioning his theoretical kittens left his ears turning a soft shade of red. But he'd be a liar if he said he'd never thought of fluffy little bobtailed kits running around, with coats of patchwork or silver.

”But.. Aye, it is.” he confirmed, ignoring the mini-explosions of excited nerves going off in his chest at that moment. Was he really going to do this? ”One of the warriors, actually.”

He glanced toward the silver tom as he spoke, hoping to catch some kind of reaction, even if it was sheer indifference. Johnny might not be crazy enough to risk it all by just blurting it out, but maybe he could test the waters a bit and try to get a feel on things.

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[SILVERSMOKE]

His ears reeled back and promptly flattened at Johnnyflame's taunt, feeling as if the warmth to them had weighed them down. "It wasn't like I was sneaking or anything," he huffed, grimacing as he opened himself up to new accusations. The spotted tabby had just been in the right place at the right time (or, subjectively, the wrong place) and felt punished enough for it already. It was a great debate, whether it was better to know the truth and suffer or live a lie, at that moment, the Lead Warrior did not care for either side, only the side that would allow him to be swallowed into an abyss never to have to consider this again. He loved Johnnyflame too much to be possessive, but jealous that he had not gotten the chance to profess his love first? Absolutely. It was a dagger that'd torn an already conflicted heart, one that would be a likely regret for the rest of his life.

He listened to Johnnyflame speak with a sinking feeling in his stomach, his brows momentarily raised as he was taken out of the situation by sincere curiosity. My kits would end up here anyways. "Your Twoleg would allow that?" Though he doubted the Daylight Warrior would have much say in it, his tone was not accusatory or contrarian. It couldn't be, when love had made him see the chimera before him as something almost angelic, incapable of true wrong. Johnnyflame was a defiance of the pragmatism he'd worked so hard to build, but whilst he could have both a friendship and a clan, he did not see a reason to change his judgment.

Confirmation struck him like a knife and he choked on his phlegm, coughing into a paw and muttering an 'excuse me' as he tried to pass it off as something that wasn't surprise. That ruled Silversmoke out then - he wasn't a warrior, not by a technicality. He'd served under Blazestar and Orangestar's council as a Lead warrior, the distinction alone enough to cut out some of his suspects. Plenty other warriors were too young or too taken, in his haste to try and find the culprit, his brows knotted together in concentration. It shouldn't matter, every bone in his body told him it shouldn't, but his heart wanted to know if the choice was right for Johnnyflame, or it would lead to his good friend being left worse off for it.

"Why don't you tell them how you feel?" He asked, hypocrisy making his saliva taste like acid. "Hiding your love can't be healthy." Silversmoke, unfortunately, would know.
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[Johnnyflame]

MY WORLDS ON FIRE, HOW 'BOUT YOURS?
THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT AND I NEVER GET BORED."​

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The topic of kits had always been a sensitive one for Johnny. Before joining Skyclan it was one of those things he’d never really taken the time to consider. After all, Silversmoke wasn’t necessarily wrong in assuming twolegs had a say in those kinds of things when it came to kittypets. Some went to the cutter and never got the chance to have kits of their own, while others were allowed it but never got to keep the children they bore into the world. Johnny was fairly certain he’d never been altered during any of his visits to the vet, which meant that his twolegs must not have a problem with him having them, but the issue for Johnny had always been more the subject of ‘with who’ than ‘how’. Sure, one night stands existed and all that, but… if he was honest, he didn’t really want to go through it all alone. Being a first-time parent was scary enough, but to do it alone?. So he’d put it out of his mind and gone on with his life- until Skyclan.

It felt inescapable after that, a longing that grew with each new batch of kittens in the nursery, with every lovestruck couple that made their way through camp eager to grow a family of their own. Until it was hard to ignore the plain and simple truth; that he wanted that, too, even if the idea of parenthood was unknown ground that kind of scared him.

”My twolegs wouldn’t have a choice in it.” he replied stubbornly, stubbed tail giving an annoyed flick at the thought. ”I’d either take them from the nest before they were weaned or- or I’d just have them here in the nursery. If they decide they want twolegs of their own when they're older that’s fine, but.. I won’t have them missing out on a proper childhood like I did.”

It was a difficult thing to admit. Johnnys twolegs gave him everything and he would never pretend he didn’t have one of the best lives a kittypet could have, but being in Skyclan had taught him things that his humans never could. Thistleback had not been wrong in declaring that there was something things he just wouldn’t be able to get from his people, and Johnny understood that now. One of his deepest regrets was not being able to experience Skyclan from the very beginning, and after watching so many others grow up, he knew he’d missed out.

Talking about kits with Silversmoke of all cats though, was quick to turn his ears a soft shade of pink. He felt too close to the source, as if the other tom might pick up on the truth of things just because Johnny thought them.

”Why don’t you tell them how you feel? Hiding your love can’t be healthy.”

”You sound like Pineflower.” he huffed good naturedly, referencing the old shecat he’d been speaking to mere minutes prior, who’d also urged him to confess. ”I guess I’m scared.” he admitted, eyes looking anywhere but at the cat beside him. ”Never really been in a relationship before so it’s not like I’d know what I was doing. Besides, what if they reject me and find it too awkward to be near me after that? I don’t want to lose all the progress I’ve made getting close to them- they weren’t exactly easy to befriend.”

He couldn’t help the small but fond smirk that tugged at his lips, or the brief glance toward Silversmoke. Was he dropping hints here? Maybe. He hadn’t been brave enough to narrow it all the way down to lead warrior, the eligible cats too narrow to give Johnny the wiggle room to deny things if he needed to.

”Would you do it? Confess to someone you might lose, I mean. Or would you just keep it to yourself so you could have the guarantee they’d stay your friend?” he asked, a legitimate question. And stars, how ridiculous was that? Asking the cat he loved if it was worth it to tell them or not?

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