private his hands are covered in blood ➢ chilledstar

[pipitclaw !!]

Embers are deceitful in their warmth- a hushed crackling of charred wood and slowly flickering flames sing of comfort, an invitation to draw ever closer. For him it is a festering burning. Like the dilute blaze at his chest it sinks into his bones, runs like searing oil in his veins. It is sickly feeling, like he is fevered and panicked all at once. He loathes it.

This was not the smiling boy he yearned to present in wide grins, in twinkling eyes that squint just a little too much at their corners. How could he enact the will of the dead if this blinding haze drilled his vision to narrowed tunnels? He would've gone about the rest of his stomping, sulking, seething without even paying any mind to the crunch of sticks under-paw. Would've been more than ignorant of the shadows billowing into physical shape but it is not a voiceless follower (despite the fury that begs for silence).

But hunting is bountiful and before he has the time to process his frustrations, he is already full to the teeth with various slimy meals. They dangle with such barely concealed disgust from between his teeth, deposited with haphazard force that isn't truly merited. After all... what's the point of taking your anger out on something that's already dead? Something that someone will undoubtedly need to fill their belly with and could do without the dirt embedded into its sticky, cold skin.

His ears burn. He is sure it is just an overabundance of bottled energy until piercing, waning moons glint from the darkness. Instinctively, the dusty fur along his spine stands on end, littered with various leaf litter and twigs that had pulled at him in his rigid-muscled wanderings. "Do you always do that," he asks, shouldering an insincere grin back onto his face. A mask drawn down as if the brown markings hide his emotions more than anyone else's could be.

"Could frighten someone half to death with that little move... though I imagine that's half the appeal of ShadowClan's hazy territory. Are you hungry? I can offer you... a lizard... or perhaps a young rat?" He waves a paw to gesture to each in turn, flicking smoldering eyes between the offers and his leader, "You look like you aren't." And he means no harm in saying it, does not intend to imply they are a little rounder where new-leaf and inactivity in the medicine cat's den had fostered it. "Actually..." He tilts his head slightly, "I'd rather you didn't look at me like that... your gaze reeks of pity. It is unnecessary, I assure you. I am a grown tom, I just let the moment get away from me."

Their silence sits on him like a pack of fleas. Makes him itch to escape it. "Shoo, back to your nest," he chides, glancing for Starlingheart before she too rips his head off for encouraging the injured leader to leave that stinking den. "Last thing I need is more trouble. I'm doing my duties, keeping my head down... just like you expect me to," he continues, over-explaining himself into a humiliating admission of his own tumultuous emotions that barely simmer under his control.

@CHILLEDSTAR.​

 

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

DON'T YOU GIVE ME UP, PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP​

---

do they always do that? they don't know. the shadows have been apart of them for so long that they don't even realize that they're doing it anymore. he keeps talking and chilledstar doesn't say anything. their gaze flips to the prey but they don't move to grab a piece at all. he's right about that. they're not hungry. not from having eaten before but they just can't find their appetite. not when something is bothering them so much. they have to speak with him. it's unbecoming of him to be so angry. he has some right, sure. shadowclan was a bit weary to allow the sons of skunktail to join the clan but it wasn't exactly the clans fault either. not when betrayal had just been added to their chapter books.

"you think me here to scold you?"

they ask. he says that he's keeping his head down, doing his duties like chilledstar wants. of course chilledstar wants every cat to pull their weight– they can't afford cats not to– but they're learning more and more that they needed to be able to take a break to, or else they do just as pipitclaw had. and they didn't want him or anyone else to feel that familiar simmer within an overboiling pot.

"you're right. i do expect you do just that but that's because I believe you to be a very great cat, pipitclaw. I'm not upset at you for being angry. you have your reasons. but i am a bit disappointed you have had all these feelings and haven't talked to someone about it."

they take in a quick breath and let it out with a soft twitch of their ears as they sit down, gesturing for him to do the same. no one was around. they wouldn't be overheard.

"i am not looking at you with pity. i am looking at you with worry. holding back what you're feeling isn't good for you. I know I'm one to talk. call me all the names you wish about it but I care about you. if I didn't, I wouldn't have let you stay. or given you an apprentice. or even a warriors name. you're a good cat and... you remind me of me."

they don't know how to say it. they're not used to being vulnerable but they've told themself that they would always try, especially with their clan.

"i fought a lot before i became clan leader. like a lot. anytime someone said something I didn't like, or raised their voice a bit too high. i fought. I liked to. still do. if i could get away with it under the eyes of the stars, I would still fight. but... it's not a good solution for my anger. geckoscreech used to just let me rant and rave about things. its really hard without her, yes, but she was a friend to me first. if you're willing, I want to be that for you right now. talk to me. tell me what's upsetting you. I've been told I'm a decent listener."

they hoped they were at least. they are offering a paw here and they really hope pipitclaw takes it. they're worried for him. disappointed like an older sibling is, but worried above all.
​

 

[pipitclaw !!]

A scolding...

Almost unwillingly his mind flits to images of his mother. She had been a soft, even-pawed molly... generous and doting, her three boys her whole world. He'd been such an agent for trouble, thick, reddened lines each a mark of a moment he'd chosen stupidity over her advisement for carefulness... for calm. The scolding she'd given him while pressing her paws against his bleeding leg. Her voice had been tight with frustration, clipped with panic.

He'd felt guilty for it.

His eyes move away to stare at something other than icy blues, burning a hole into the thorny siding of the camp like it might actually combust. It might provide a distraction enough to let him escape as tempered words grind across his ears. The compliments might be considered heartwarming, if the circumstances did not feel so forced. A great cat, but only said now after he'd basically flipped out in front of everyone. His ear tips burn, humiliated by the pandering and reinforced only by the suggestion he should've talked to someone already.

"And who," he quips, unable to bite his sharpness behind his teeth quickly enough, "Would you deign to suggest I had done that with?" His eyes narrow to a scowl, a kit-like grumpiness settling in his bones that is not becoming of a young warrior. "A little heart to heart with daddy dearest," he asks, quirking a brow as daffodil eyes scan back to his leader. He wouldn't pretend his relationship with Skunktail was far enough along to whine about his 'big sad boy feelings.' Not like he could trust Lilacfur with this information either, not when her loyalty to her job came before her loyalty to him. Starlingheart had enough on her plate than to listen to his sob story and Magpiepaw? He'd rather chew off his own foot.

It left no sincere option left. It was a moot point to say "you should've" about anything.

But he is so caught off guard by their admission of care that the inferno twisting in his guts all but dies.

They offer an ear... and he can't find the words anymore to be angry. Chilledstar has better things to do than listen to Pipitclaw whine. The overwhelming weight of his actions sit like a badger on his chest. You should've kept your mouth shut.

"There's nothing for me to say," he supplies, tongue and teeth gnashing in his mouth like they are not apart of his consciousness anymore. They are distinctly detached, a mouthpiece that answers for a brain that demands silence. You talk plenty. It reminds him, and reminds him that talk is for show. It is for the benefit of others. Feels his claws in his minds eye grip at his frustration, strangle them like a writhing snake that needed to be controlled. Contained. Bottled and refined to pin-point accuracy only when most effective.

That was the point... of being a good fighter. That was how he did it.

"I let the moment get away from me," he repeats, sitting up a little straighter, making unflinching eye contact. "There's more cats here than I've ever had to live with... It just overwhelmed me. I'm fine. I'll apologize to Smogmaw and Lilacfur and be a good cousin to those kittens." He blinks, feels the comfort of a mask clicked back into place as the lens changes. "I won't give you reasons to worry about me Chilledstar. You have better uses of your time. Like healing," the gentle chiding returns to his voice, another more insistent redirection of attention from himself to them.

"If it gets overwhelming again, you'll be the first to know... I promise." He can't tell if he's lying to the star-dusted cat in front of him, or if he's lying to himself.​

 

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

"i am not even going to pretend like i understand the relationship between you and your father."

they don't know what's going on between the three sons and their father, but they don't care to ask either. not when their own paternal figure has caused so much agony within so little time. jealousy is not becoming of a leader but that doesn't mean they can stop themself from feeling it. skunktail cared about his kids, even if he hadn't known they existed. he's trying, isn't he? that's more than they can say for jagged. with a twitch of torn ear, they listen further, unable to stop the snort that comes from them. they're not stupid. they were not born yesterday.

"you might have gotten me with that lie of yours but you said you both would apologize to smogmaw and you wouldn't give me a reason to worry. i always worry for my clan. comes with the job."

they huffed, nose twitching as their eyes narrowed.

"and you don't really feel sorry for what you've said. you're hurting, and maybe you didn't mean to say it. but that doesn't mean you feel sorry about it. especially not to our deputy dearest."

chilledstar gently licks their fur, trying to hold back from rolling their eyes. it does little because they do anyways, tail swaying as they did so.

"don't make promises you don't intend to keep, pipitclaw. you know, you said I have better things to do than to worry but I fail to see what you mean. sure, I need to heal. however, that does not mean for one second I will ever stop worrying about the cats in my clan and unfortunately for you, you are apart of that. I've always worried about shadowclan. since it was formed. since I was given the name chilledgaze. since I became deputy, and soon after, became leader. I'm sure you're not used to being apart of a clan just yet but shadowclan has always been different."

they take but a second to breathe in and out.

"i am not gonna make you talk. but don't let it eat you alive, either. pretty sure granitepelt did the same."

———————---***ALL OF MY FEELINGS ARE GONE***———————---​

I LEFT 'EM ALL ON THE FLOOR✧ MAN WHO'S TO BLAME IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME NO MORE

•  
• — black feline with a white marking across their face, a white chin, a white right front paw, and blue eyes. chilledstar is covered in scars, the most prominent ones being the one across their face, and the one across their neck.
  — 44 moons old; ages the 3rd every month
  — they / them pronouns
  — aromantic / homosexual ; currently not looking / looking
  — child of JAGGED and RAVEN
  — shadowclan ; loyal to shadowclan ; other info if applicable
  — mildly difficult to befriend ; trusts barely anyone; trusts no one outside of shadowclan
  — "speech", thoughts, attacking
  — peaceful powerplay allowed

​

​

 

[pipitclaw !!]

He shrugs, bored, because his relationship with his father isn't really worth understanding. It's not negative, by any means, but it isn't abundant in emotional connection or gleeful reminiscence of times gone by. They know each other and care enough to make sure they mutually stay healthy and alive. For now, that was good enough. Pipitclaw had no reason to believe it wouldn't improve with time... as long as Frostbite didn't hog all of the attention.

An ear flicks to express a suppressed amusement that Chilledstar does not think him willing enough to swallow his pride to apologize to Smogmaw. Even if he didn't mean it, he understood well enough that appearances were meant to be kept and these clans valued obedience over individuality. "An unnecessary worry," he presses, "Made it far enough without much help, much less the entire force of a clan." He gestures with a lazy paw towards a body adorned in trophies of his successes, as if to prove his point that he is a fighter and always comes out on top.

"Didn't say I regretted it," the chocolate-streaked tom replies with a renewed frustration. He wasn't the type to admonish his own actions, especially not when he knew his frustrations were justified. The problem was that he'd made a fool of himself in front of everyone else. Didn't care if it pissed Smogmaw off in the slightest.

However, a surefire way to dig under his skin is to be compared to Granitepelt of all cats. He'd done more harm to Pipitclaw's bloodline than anyone else's and he'd be damned if he got lumped in with that psycho just because he chose to keep his feelings to himself when they didn't feel respected. "Don't. Compare me to him," his says it once, with a tension in his voice that suggests the next time won't be handled so politely.

"I already said I'd find you if it got to be too much... insulting me with his rancid name isn't doing much to encourage that." Their history with being a fractured clan was not his history and he'd not be suffered to have it projected upon him. He'd only ever known a loving family that relied on each other faithfully.

Their struggles were not his.

"Thank you for your concern... I think you've made your point clear."​